Taking the Stress Out of Christmas by Michael A. Panar
December 15, 2012
Marie says, “There is so much to do in December and I feel a lot of stress. I can’t relax. I know that I should be happy before Christmas but I’m busy shopping. And my three kids, who are in second, third and fifth grade are driving me crazy. How can I relax before I go out of my mind?”
Marie is just one case example of the overwhelming stress that one can have during this time of the year. There seems to be no time to relax and the amount of stress seems to be piling up constantly. There is a feeling of a lack of control. As a person loses control, the more stress he or she will feel.
During this time of year we want to be happy and ‘jolly.’ We want to prepare for one of the greatest Holidays of the year. We expect to be happy, not only for religious reasons, but because it ia a special Holiday for the children. And we want the best for them. Children are anxious about Christmas and are expecting gifts at this time. Adults are looking forward to the holiday and the gifts for their loved ones and friends. Family rituals abound during this time. Expectations are high. It is a time of joy from year-to-year for everyone.
But because of these efforts during the holiday season, and the high expectations, there can be a lot of stress. You may not be able to do all of the things you set out to do. Thoughts and feelings may become negative. Your expectations for satisfying others may not be met. And after the holidays there may be various thoughts: “It didn’t work the way that I expected,” “I thought he’d be happy with the gift,” “I feel tired from all this effort,” “It could’ve been better.” There can be many types of feelings and thoughts before and after the holidays.
For some people, there can be a big let-down at the end of the holidays, and depression can set in. For others they may be susceptible to a type of ‘depression’ called Seasonal Affective Disorder, which usually occurs after the holidays during January and February.
The good news is: You can do something about Christmas, to make it a more joyful and fulfilling time. It doesn’t have to be a disappointment or depressing time. There are some things you can do to avoid the risk of sadness, depression, let-down, or even disappointment:
Since expectations are high during this time of the year, the first step is to lower them to more realistic levels. When you give a gift, do it from your heart. Do it out-of-love, not wondering how the person will react to your gift. Don’t shop frantically, making you anxious and stressed-out. Enjoy each experience of buying and wrapping the gifts in a spirit of mindful meditation, moment-by-moment.
Buy gifts and other things according to the realities of your budget. This will help you not to worry afterward about your financial problems.
Enjoy time with family and friends, but make some time for yourself to be alone and contemplate. You need to balance your time with others and time for yourself.
Make time to relax and meditate. You deserve some time to do relaxation techniques and mindful meditation. Do a Progressive Relaxation exercise, tensing and relaxing each muscle of the body from head-to-toe. Do this exercise while breathing deeply, in-and-out.
Focus on the religious and spiritual reason for the season, and practice on what you are comfortable with. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss spiritual health, and how it is important to your total health–of mind, body, spirit, and your social relationships. You can use this approach during Christmas and into the new year.
These are just some of the ways that you can take the stress out of Chistmas. It doesn’t have to be a let-down or make you feel that it wasn’t good enough. It can be a happy and healthy time for you, your family, and friends. It can help you to begin the New Year with satisfaction and new hope.
Toward a Healthier Life as We Age
November 28, 2012
Aging begins at birth and continues through the later years. But we don’t usually think of aging during the younger years. It is only during middle age that we are aware of our own aging, such as the unwanted changes in our skin and loss of hair. As we look into the mirror we become more cognizant of our own aging. But even as we see the changes, we deny it to ourselves by using various kinds of makeup and moisturizers. As we look for all of the changes that seem to occur quite frequently during this time, we desperately search for a ‘solution.’
Therefore, it seems that we are continuing to search for the elusive “fountain of youth.” It is a fantasy that seems to be the miraculous cure for our aging bodies. So we try a variety of ways to hopefully eliminate or at least disguise the reality of aging. At the extreme end, we may take botox or have plastic surgery. Or, at the least, we take all kinds of supplements to forestall or ‘stop’ the aging process. But no matter what we do, evidence of aging continues to haunt us. We may conceal it for awhile. However, as we look at ourselves and our reduced energies, the reality is not pleasant.
In spite of all of these fears and anxieties about aging, we can reframe our thinking about aging. As we get older we can continue to be healthy. As we become healthier, we will achieve a more positive view of aging. It doesn’t have to be an inevitable decline, but rather, a continuing growth to a healthy life. We will be more satisfied with our life and actually look forward to getting older.
There are many things we can do to age healthily, and feel better about ourselves:
Exercise
The first step is to exercise intensely for about thirty minutes a day. Make sure you combine aerobic and weight-lifting as an important part of your program. Exercise will improve the circulation of blood and give you a healthy heart and brain. You will also feel good and refreshed after exercising. Of course, consult with your physician if you have a physical condition. Do the best that you can, and increase the intensity of the exercise as you are able.
Stimulate the Mind
Stimulating the mind will make your brain healthier. Nerve cells or neurons will continue to grow, even as you grow older. You may be able to prevent or delay the onset of Alzeimer’s disease or other types of dementia. Your brain will continue to ‘grow’ as you age. You also will have a better self-image and self-esteem.
Discover New Projects
You don’t have to do the same things as you grow older. There can be new projects and possibilities. Try something new that you’ve never done before. Find a new hobby that you enjoy. Go back to school. Do a creative art project or write a book. The possibilities are limitless, but it has to be an interesting and stimulating activity that you will enjoy.
Practice Mindfulness
Although meditation and mindfulness is important at all ages, during the later years it is even more essential to practice mindfulness in all of the things that you do. Mindfulness is focusing on your experiences with acceptance and without expectations. Judgment is suspended, and you can perceive anything from moment-to-moment. You can get a more clear view of the reality around you, whether it is a relationship, object, or the beauty of nature. It is difficult at first, but with practice you will become more skillful with the ‘art’ of mindfulness.
I discuss “healthy aging” in a chapter of my latest book, “Create a Healthy Lifestyle: ‘Secrets’ of Health and Happiness.” I explain in further detail the path towards healthy aging, with some case examples. The crucial point is that you can become healthier as you grow older, beginning at Middle Age through the older years. But it’s important to begin today, no matter what your age is today. Enjoy the journey!
Resolving Distress Helps You To Enhance Your Self
November 16, 2012
Stephanie asks, “I’ve tried to meditate or relax but it’s hard for me. I have a lot of stress at work, and my two teenage kids drive me crazy. My husband works a lot and he’s not too supportive. How can I relax with all of this stress?”
Stephanie is overwhelmed with the ‘bad’ stress that she experiences every day. As she continued to talk about her problems, tears began to flow down her cheeks. “I don’t know where to start. There are too many things to worry about.”
After attending a few counseling sessions. Stephanie decided to talk with her husband, Joe. “I don’t know if you know what I’ve been going through for the last year, but I need your support, Joe. I wish you could help me with the kids, because they are getting out of control. They don’t listen to me.” Stephanie pleaded with him while tears flowed profusely from her eyes.”
Joe was taken aback, as if he didn’t know there was a problem. He had been so involved with his job at the department store where he worked that he never recognized what Stephanie was going through. But then he said, in a gentle and caring way, “I’m sorry that I didn’t know that you were having a hard time. I guess I thought you were strong and didn’t need my help. But I guess I was wrong!”
Stephanie was relieved that Joe understood her feelings and the stresses that she was going through. She was grateful that Joe cared about her feelings.
This was a new beginning for this couple. Joe was ready to take more responsibility at home. And he was able to talk to the children and set reasonable rules. This relieved a lot of stress for Stephanie. She felt more in control of her life and was now able to relax and meditate. After six months, Stephanie seemed happy with her sparkling smile. She said, happily: “I feel very relaxed today. The kids are even listening to me more than they ever did!” Now, Stephanie will be able to enhance herself in a way she’s never done before.
In one Chapter of my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss the importance of self-esteem and enhancing the self. In Stephanie’s case, she needed to resolve the distress at home before she could work on herself. As she felt more in control of her life– and have a better relationship with Joe–she would be able to work on her “self.” It will be easier for her to relax and feel at peace.
Essentially, it’s important to resolve the problems and stressors around you at home or at work. Then you will be able to enhance your self. Eventually, you will be able to be mindfully aware of the experiences in your life. Meditation will be easier, and you’ll be on your way towards a “healthy lifestyle.”
Discover a New “You” and Become More Resilient
November 5, 2012
Stacie says, “I would like to have a better relationship, but every time I’m serious with a man it falls apart. How could I have a good relationship with someone?
Stacie just turned twenty-two and she doesn’t feel good about herself. She says, “I never thought much about myself. I wanted to go to college but I never tried. I’m working as a waitress, but I don’t find it satisfying. I have to work or I wouldn’t have any money to live on.” Stacie’s early experiences were also disappointing: “I always felt excluded in my family. I felt my sister had anything she wanted. And recently my last three relationships didn’t work. I always blamed myself when things didn’t work out for me.”
Stacie’s experience of failure occurred through her childhood and adolescence. She had more negative than positive experiences. These experiences affected her self-esteem and resilience. Each bad experience was devastating for her. And she blamed herself when things didn’t work out like she wanted. Each failure made it more likely that she would fail again. Each failure negatively reinforced her feelings that nothing would work. This caused her to be depressed, and she blamed herself for her failures. This set her up for further failures, and an increasing loss of resilience.
If you have similar problems, like Stacie, you would need to work on these issues that stopped you from moving on, or coping with negative experiences in life. Each failure can reinforce your feelings of hopelessness, or blaming yourself for any failures you may encounter. Even small failures may be magnified and make you feel that you will ‘fail’ again. Resilience will continue to spiral downward. It will become a vicious cycle of ‘failure,’ self-blame, and more sadness.
Stacy withdrew in a depressive state of hopelessness. This changed the chemistry of her brain–and stress hormones over-flowed in her body. She would get tired easily and couldn’t do any physical exercises. She couldn’t do anything at home, and was unable to concentrate when she tried to sit down and read. Her thoughts were replete with self-pity and helplessness.
If you are in a similar situation, it is important to confront your negative thoughts and emotions. This may be difficult to do on your own. You may need to talk with a supportive counselor who can help you sort through the negative thoughts and feelings.
Some of you may be able to tackle this problem on your own. You can read my book, “Create a Healthy Lifestyle” that helps you to be healthy and happy in a holistic way. Focus on how you feel about yourself, and the source of those inadequate feelings about self. Take care of your physical and spiritual health. And discover some of the positive and satifying things you can do today. Change will not come quickly. The negative thoughts and feelings will keep trying to intrude on your mind and perceptions. But continue to do the “baby steps” of working on each thought at a time. Gradually you will feel better about yourself and be motivated to do things you couldn’t do when you were depressed such as: getting into a new relationship, going to college, pursuing the things you always wanted to do, and enjoying the wonderful things in life.
As you become less depressed, or sad, you will discover a new “you.” You will become more resilient and able to cope with the difficult challenges that life may give you. Your resilience will continue to grow. Life will be more rewarding.
The Child Needs Love and Discipline to Feel Safe and Secure
October 22, 2012
Mary Ann states, “I’m planning to be a parent, and I heard a lot about what a good parent should be. Some people think a parent should be a strong disciplinarian. Others say you should give love and not emphasize the discipline. The different ideas of parenting are confusing to me.”
Both positions are correct if they are together. Competent parenting includes love and discipline. Family research has shown that “authoritative” parenting is the most effective approach. It involves discipline and love that complement each other.
When you discipline your child, you need to be consistent and firm–but not harsh. You should be able to explain to the child the type of discipline you are giving, and the reason for it. It should be explained and talked about, but not yelled about.
In addition, physical punishment really is not as effective as taking away some of the things the child wants—or saying “no” to an activity the child desires. Physical punishment may even cause a backlash: The child learns that violence is appropriate. So it is important to use other forms of discipline: such as withholding something the child wants, or using a more positive approach of providing appropriate rewards for good behavior.
Along with consistent and reasonable discipline, the child needs nurturing. The child needs to know that you love and accept her. The love needs to be expressed directly to the child. An example is Teddy’s father, Joe, who is a very strict disciplinarian. Joe says, “I was brought up in a strict home. My father was in control of the house and everyone had to listen to him. If I violated his rules he would be angry and hit me. He wasn’t abusive. He just wanted me to listen.”
Joe carried out this same discipline in his own family. “I’m not going to let Teddy get away with anything. He’s thirteen and starting to ‘act out.’ I’m not going to put up with that!”
Teddy’s behavior hasn’t changed, but in front of his father he seems well-behaved. When his father is not home he hits his younger brother and yells at his mother. He is also starting to misbehave in school. His school grades have plummeted and the teachers are starting to lose patience. But fear of his father has increased. When he is with his father he seems docile.
In this situation Joe believes in harsh punishment. He will resort to physical punishment when necessary. But Teddy listens to his father when he is present, but in his absence he reacts angrily. Teddy’s fear of his father is effective in controlling his behavior, as long as Joe is present.
In this example, Joe is an “authoritarian” parent, a parent who believes and enacts harsh punishments. This type of parent can’t express loving feelings to the child. The child is surrounded by rules. The parent may love the child but it’s not expressed. And the child is in constant fear. The child may suppress his “bad” behavior in front of the parent, but in other surroundings he will unleash his anger towards other
Therefore the best approach is to provide love and nurturing from the time the child is an infant through adolescence; this will cultivate a secure attachment for the child. Her self-esteem and self-confidence would be enhanced.
Essentially, providing love and discipline (authoritative parenting) is a healthy parenting stance. Love and discipline are clearly expressed to your child. Positive discipline– or providing suitable rewards for good behavior–is a crucial ingredient. You will help your child feel safe and secure–providing secure attachment. The child will reap the benefits, even into adulthood.
There is Hope for Depression
October 11, 2012
Stacey says, “When I’m depressed I can’t do anything. It makes me feel miserable. I don’t pay attention to my six and ten year old daughters, and I can’t do anything around the house. When I go to work at the department store, I can’t keep my mind on the job. I keep feeling incompetent at home and at work. Problems in my marriage also didn’t help.”
Negative Thoughts and Feelings
Depression occurs when you feel helpless and hopeless. You feel that everything is going wrong in your life, and you can only ‘see’ these hopeless thoughts in your mind. Soon, these negative thoughts and feelings take over your everyday life, and there is nothing else in your life. Eventually these negative thoughts become “automatic” and come to you anytime during the day, and are pervasive when you are trying to get some sleep. Your length of sleep is shortened, and you can become sleep deprived. The next day, it doesn’t get better and the automatic, negative thoughts continue through the day. Like Stacey, this prevents you from doing the things you want to do during the course of the day.
Changes in the Brain
Depression, of course, can be caused by any type of experiences in your life, such as: the death of a loved one, very low self-worth, accidents, a major crisis, health problems, heartbreak, and marital distress. These experiences can set off very sad and negative thoughts that don’t easily go away. They will also result in changes in the brain, such as lowering the neurotransmitter, serotonin–and triggering the hypothalamus to turn on the pituitary gland. Stress homones are produced from the pituitary gland (at the base of the brain)–which stimulate the adrenal glands to produce the stress hormone cortisol. Thus the proliferating, negative thoughts changes the brain and the chemistry of the body.
Marital Distress
If you have similar problems as Stacey, you are confronted with a lot of issues. But at the core of Stacey’s problem is the relationship. Over the years, Stacey’s connection with her husband, Tom, became increasingly distant. She felt alone and lonely in the marriage. Eventually this bothered her incessantly, and negative, automatic thoughts and feelings ran through her mind. It was so troubling that it affected her relationship with her children, and performance on her job. She had a lot of sleepless nights, which affected her overall health.
You may have different issues than Stacey, but the effect can be the same: having numerous negative feelings that affect you at home, work, or in the world.
Resolving the Problem
The first step is to resolve the primary problem: In Stacey’s situation she would need to discern whether the problems in the marriage can be resolved. You would need to look at your own life and know what has happened, such as low self-worth, death of a loved one, loneliness, a crisis, health problem, or adversity. It is helpful to recognize the initial event. After you’ve done this, ‘watch’ the negative thoughts or feelings running through your mind. ‘Look’ at them separately as they pass through the mind’s ‘eye.’ Learn from them and then ‘let go.’ Do this as a daily mindfulness practice. Then begin to breathe deeply, in and out, until you feel peaceful and relaxed. Practice this exercise any time during the day.
Sometimes it will be helpful to attend counseling sessions to work through the problem: Cognitive therapy sessions can help you to change your thoughts to positive or more rational ones. Couple counseling may help you and your partner to resolve issues in the relationship. Grief counseling may help you through the grieving process. Focusing on the initial event that precipitated the depression can be beneficial.
Mindful Meditation
Finally, you can work on your depressed throught on your own, through focusing and accepting these thoughts– and then letting them flow away. You can practice breathing exercises. There are other things you can do: walking meditation; mindfulness on an object in the house, or in nature; being mindful of the chores and tasks you do daily; and just being mindful (or meditate) on your own mind and thoughts–“with acceptance.”
Depression doesn’t have to be a hopeless condition or disorder. There is a way out of this seemingly fettered situation, and life can have a new meaning for you. A new beginning is at the other side of the ‘rainbow.’
Parent’s Quality Time with Child is Invaluable
September 28, 2012
As a parent, you may be working away from home during the day. When you arrive home at the end of the day there is still work to be done. You may be thinking of what you have to do the next day. The time you have with a child may be minimal, compared with all of the other activities on any particular day.
It is vital, therefore, to focus on the moments that you can spend with your child. Each moment of “quality” will enhance his or her well-being. Lois, for instance, is a working mother, who spends a lot of time as a nurse in a community hospital. But she feels guilty that she doesn’t spend enough time with her four-year-old daughter, Jennifer. Lois says, regretfully, “I wish I could spend more time with Jennifer, but there isn’t lots of time left after I’m done with my housework.”
If you are like Lois, there is a feeling of “guilt” and inadequacy because you want to spend more time with your child. But it seems that it never happens. The feelings of guilt, and the desire to be with your child, make you feel you’re neglecting the child. You don’t want to continue to feel this way. It doesn’t help the child, and it is not even good for your own health and well-being. Therefore, the first step is to set a goal of spending “quality” time with your child. You can start today
Since you don’t have a lot of time, you want to do the best you can to make “quality” time: giving your child full attention in the moment, and letting the child express his or her own feelings and desires. You can begin with reading stories to the child. When you read a story, it is pivotal to get her input after you are finished. When she is about three to six, you may even want her to read the story to you in her own words, even if she can’t read all the words. Give her the chance to “read” the same story back to you. Reinforce her creative expressions.
Reading stories can be at bedtime, but it can be any time of the day that you have available. As you continue to read stories, the child will begin to love to read. This is a pleasant effect of your quality time with the child.
There are, of course, other things you can do with the child. You can play with her as time permits. There are many ways to play: make-up games, letting the child choose what she wants to play, and various games, such as Pictionary, playing with dolls, or cars. It should be fun. If the child can make choices and express herself, it can stimulate her imagination as she creates roles and characters in the play. You can guide her. But let your child “direct” the play activity.
In addition to play, you can color with your child, or use an “activity” book to do more interesting projects. There are a number of other activities that you may suggest to your child. The possibilities are endless. The important thing is that it evokes pleasure for you and your child. You will feel good about spending time with your child that has quality.
Lois discovered that she could spend more time with Jennifer—quality time. Lois felt more relaxed: “I thought I couldn’t do anything with Jennifer, but then I decided to make the time to spend with her. I started to read The Cat in the Hat and encouraged Jennifer to talk about the story.”
As a working parent, it is not easy to spend enough time with your child. There are many things you’re doing to provide the necessary resources for your family. But if you are attuned to the needs of the child and want to spend quality time with him, he will feel loved and secure.
Be Healthy and Happy in a more Holistic Way
September 23, 2012
Be Healthy and Happy
Everyone wants to be healthy, but most of us think of health only in the body–our physical self. But we need to look at being healthy in a more holistic way. It is important to improve our health not only physically, but also in mind, body, and spirit. But there is also another dimension: the social self. Being human, we also have a self that is developed in social interactions with others–beginning in the family during infancy and early childhood. To begin with, I will discuss personal growth and the social self:
Improving your Self
An important way to work on your self is to improve your ‘social self.’ You can do this by improving and enriching your relationships. It begins in the family and unfolds in relationships with others. Secure attachment in childhood is the basis of healthy relationships. But these relationships need to be nurtured and enriched throughout the aging of the individual.
In addition to improving your ‘social self’ and your relationships, you can continue to grow as an individual. There is a triangle of personal growth: enhancing the self, being proactive, and becoming resilient. ‘Growing’ as an individual will also enhance your social connections. Now I will briefly give you an overview of the four dimensions of the human being:
The Physical Self
You need to take care of your body through regular exercise and eating well. Avoiding being overweight or obese is paramount. Prevention is very important. If you can prevent physical problems it will be easier to continue to be physically healthy. This doesn’t always happen and you may have a physical condition. But you can still work at being healthy as much as you are able. Don’t give up! Continue to do the best that you can to be physically healthy.
As you improve your physical health you will feel better about yourself and have a better body image.
The Mind
It is also vital to have a healthy mind. You can do this in two ways: learning new things and coping with your feelings and emotions.
The Spirit
It is also important to meditate and become mindful. Eventually you would want to focus on a transcendent ‘reality’ that can be very comforting. Your social self can evolve into a spiritual self.
Create a Healthy Lifestyle
My book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle: Secrets of Health and Happiness, explains how you can achieve a healthy lifestyle in a more holistic way. It is crucial, therefore, to be healthy in mind, body, spirit, and the social self. When you have holistic health, you will have a healthy lifestyle in a complete sense. It will enhance the quality of your life, and bring you health and happiness. It will not only increase your longevity; you will also have a healthy and happy life. It will improve all aspects of your self, as well as your relationships with others.
Parent Needs to Ease Pressure on Child
September 17, 2012
Lucy is in seventh grade and has been failing in school. Recently she brought home a poor report card that she didn’t want to show her parents. So she kept it in her room in a drawer. Not until the school contacted the parents, did the parents discover that their daughter was doing poorly in school.
Lucy has an older brother, Jimmy, who does his school work, but is only an average student. The parents are not too concerned about him. They really don’t expect him to do well in school. “He’s doing the best he can,” said his father. Marie, the mother, doesn’t expect any more than what Jimmy is now doing.
After attending several counseling sessions, it was discovered that Lucy’s mother Marie had high expectations for herself. Even though she had a good career in the business world, she was really not satisfied with her achievements. She wanted more, but now, doesn’t feel that she will get any further than she is. Semi-consciously, she transferred her frustrations to Lucy. She expects a lot from Lucy but it never was enough. Consequently, Marie’s relationship with Lucy was non-emotional. Her love for her daughter was not expressed–but only her expectations, which was only her dissatisfaction with herself. The father, Joe, usually always acquiesced and let Marie handle any problems with Lucy. But he had a satisfying connection with Jimmy.
All the while, Lucy was reluctant to respond to her mother. She showed little interest in her mother’s expectations of her. So she didn’t make any effort in school. Her grades continued to plummet. She wasn’t doing well, but she had no desire to do better. She was an average student. But Marie couldn’t accept it. She wanted Lucy to excel, where she couldn’t. She saw herself as not accomplishing all of the things she wanted to do. She was hoping that perhaps Lucy could make up for her own shortcomings. So Marie continued to put pressure on her daughter, but Lucy just ignored her mother. It was an unhealthy pattern between mother and daughter.
After a few more months of counseling, Marie had a better understanding of herself and the need to change her relationship with Lucy. She decided not to pressure Lucy anymore. She started to find other ways to relate to her daughter. She also worked at expressing love and affection for Lucy. It was not easy to change the way she relates to her daughter, but she forced herself to be more responsive and quit pressuring her to be like her. If Marie continues to have a better relationship with her daughter, Lucy will feel free to be herself–which she will need to do when she becomes a teenager.
It is not always easy to change the way you relate to your child, but if you discern your own parenting behaviors, you may discover hidden emotions and feelings that may be at the ‘root’ of the problems. In Marie’s case it was her own deep feelings of failure and lack of accomplishment in her career. Talking and working on the problem can resolve the problem–and the child will reap the benefits.
New Challenges for a Parent in the Teenage Years
September 11, 2012
Jesssica says, “I try to spend some time with Sara but it’s not easy, now that she is a teenager. We used to do a lot things together, but now she wants to be alone or be with her friends. I try to talk to her but she doesn’t want to confide in me anymore. I feel I’m not doing a good job as a mother.”
Jessica is distraught and doesn’t feel competent as a parent. She wants to be with Sara, but Sara doesn’t show any interest in being with her. This is very disconcerting and Jessica feels she is losing her daughter.
If you are in a similar situation, or would like to have a better relationship with your teen, you musn’t give up on her. Instead, you should continue to show your child that you are as interested in her now, as you were when she was a younger child. Even though she is a teenager, she still needs your love and attention– though she may not seem to want your love. It is easy for a parent to give up and go on with his or her own interests, and gradually become more distant from the teen. But the teen actually wants your attention and love even if it’s unexpressed. At the same time, the teen is trying to find his or her identity. She just left the oasis of childhood and is now face-to-face with a new ‘world.’ So she needs to find herself during this critical time. She needs to know who she is and how she can relate to her peers–and society.
In Sara’s case, she had good relationship with her mother during early and middle childhood. This is a foundation for a good parent/teenager relationship. But the parent needs to know that the teen is at a very different level of development: She is trying to find herself in relation to peers and the family. There are different needs in adolescence compared to the early years. The parent needs to understand these different needs and relate to the child in a different way. Thus it’s vital to sit down with the teen and discern her wants and needs. Listening to the teen’s needs is crucial. Express love and give reasonable discipline when needed. Find things to do with the teen, while giving her autonomy. In contrast to the early years of childhood, there are new and different challenges during the course of adolescence.
Essentially, it’s going to take time to forge a new relationship with your teen. It will not be the same as in childhood but it can be just as rewarding for the parent and teenager. A new, healthy connection will unfold.