In Search for a Soul Mate: A Loving partnership by Michael A. Panar
November 15, 2013
Jane says, “I had a lot of relationships, but I never could find my soul mate. Will I ever be able to have a soul mate? I’m beginning to lose hope.
Jane is like many people who don’t feel they have ever had a ‘perfect’ relationship with a soul mate. The idea of a soul mate has always been a magical concept that can’t be explained in scientific terms. It is seen as a spiritual connection that is beyond any explanation. It is felt that finding a soul mate is a destiny that has nothing to do with the world as we know it. It is purely spiritual.
Therefore, the individual has no control of finding a soul mate. It just happens. It is not coincidental. It is a spiritual event that a person has no control of. But here is good news: You can have a relationship that will realize your dreams of having a partner who is your soul mate–through a loving partnership that you can nurture day-to-day and moment-to-moment. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I explain the importance of relationships and some of the qualities of healthy relationships. You can further refer to this book on healthy relationships and a healthy lifestyle. Now I will discuss the steps towards a loving partnership:
Change Romantic Love to a Partnership
An intimate relationship usually begins with an emotional attachment to the other. You feel strongly attached to that person and can’t imagine ever separating. There is a mutual tendency to want to be with each other. Your attachment is purely emotional and you feel a deep love for that person. The attraction is strong and you want to be with him or her most of the time.
Other Reasons for getting into a Relationship
Of course, there are practical reasons that a person may get into a relationship with someone, such as: money, convenience. isolation or desperation. A person may want to get into an intimate relationship to exert control, or subconsciously wants a person to abuse or dominate.
There may be mental health problems, such as a need for a person to have control of another. For instance, the narcissist doesn’t really ‘love’ himself or herself, but needs to control someone to love him or her. Or a person with a ‘borderline personality disorder’ needs someone to vent his or her emotions. The dependent persons needs someone to be dominant. The angry person needs someone to control. There are many mental health problems and a lot of dysfunctional reasons to enter an intimate relationship. But these are not healthy reasons for entering an intimate connection with another.
From Romantic Love to a Partnership
Since an intimate relationship begins with romantic love and passion the couple becomes quickly attuned to each other. There are strong emotions that attract them to each other. The “romantic love complex” is the feelings of love and sex that encompasses passionate love. Therefore during the beginning of a relationship the couple experiences a very ‘close’ connection. But it is based on an emotional and sexual attraction. It is a passionate love based on the “romantic love complex.”
It is important to begin a relationship with such intensity, but it is short-lived– and passionate love doesn’t last too long. But for some couples it may last longer than others. It depends on how long you can keep the passion alive.
Commitment
In view of the short ‘life span’ of romantic love, it is vital that you begin to develop a love for each other that is more enduring. In doing so, you need to convert passion and romance to a loving partnership. But to do this, you need to have a commitment to that person and the relationship. A commitment is a strong desire to want to be with that person. You need to be clear about it, and feel that this is the person you want to be with.
The Path to a Partnership
With this commitment you will be able to begin a path towards a partnership. It will not be easy. There are many things you and your partner will have to do to develop your partnership. And you need to continue to sustain your desire to be with each other through good times and bad. Here are just a few basic steps to nurture your loving partnership:
1) Disclosure
Trust is important for your relationship. You need to be comfortable with that person, and be able to trust him or her. You need to ‘know’ each other in an intimate way that other people will never know. Only you and your partner will know each other emotionally and physically.
The partner will know the most personal things about you, but at the same time you will continue to be an individual. You will always be a unique person in the fullest sense, and your partner will love you more for that. Therefore, being able to be a unique person and still be able to disclose your intimate needs and feelings to the other will be in synchrony.
2) Empathy and Compassion
You and your partner need to learn communication skills. This involves being able to express your feelings with each other without projecting blame onto the other. At the same time you need to show understanding of the other’s feelings and needs with empathy and compassion. Expressing your own feelings and listening to the partner need to be a mutual undertaking by both partners.
3) Develop the Narratives
Once you and your partner have completed these two steps, you are now ready to work together to develop ‘stories’ in your connection with each other. “Stories” or narratives are the things you want to share with each other for a more enduring relationship. You will already be attuned to the needs and feelings of each other, which will be the foundation for a loving and satisfying connection with the other. But you also need to keep your communication open with each other as new needs or situations arise. As time goes on you may have to revise some of these narratives so that both of you will be satisfied. It is an ongoing process through time, although you will be doing it moment-to-moment in time.
Conclusion
As you nurture and cultivate a partnership with each other, you are creating an enduring love for each other that goes beyond the “romantic love complex” of ‘passionate love.’ You will feel the love for each other more deeply, and your relationship will continue to grow through the cycle of life. And you may have found your ‘Soul mate.’
A Holistic Approach to Prevent Dementia by Michael A. Panar
November 1, 2013
Joan is worried that she may end up with dementia as she gets older. She says, in a worrisome tone, “I know I’m only fifty, but my parents had Alzheimer’s when they were in their seventies. I’m afraid I might end up just like them.
The Genes and Alzheimer’s
Joan has a reason to be concerned about having the gene for Alzheimer’s. But even when your parents haven’t had Alzheimer’s you may be uncertain whether you will be the victim of this disease as you reach age seventy or beyond. There is still no guarantee that anyone will not have Alzheimer’s in their lifetime. There is, of course, a gene for Alzheimer’s (Apolipoprotein E (ApoE) that may predispose a person to this disease. Inheriting E4/E4 alleles (one from each parent) is a major risk factor. But who will get Alzheimer’s in later life is not clear. We do know that about half of those over seventy-five will have the disease sometime during the later years. But it’s uncertain whether you or one of your loved ones will have this terrible disease in their sixties and beyond. You may not know even if you have the test for the gene.
Therefore, it is better to have a positive goal of preventing Alzheimer’s, than to worry about it. For instance ApoE is usually involved in lipid (fat) metabolism and the transportation of cholesterol through the body. So it seems reasonable to keep your bad cholesterol (LDL) down to a normal level. Also be sure your weight is close to the normal range.
There are other types of dementia, such as vascular dementia, that results from blood clots in the brain. But some of the things that you can do to prevent or delay Alzheimer’s could prevent these other dementias. No matter where you are in life, or how old you are, it is worth the effort to work on preventing this terrible disease.
Therefore I will discuss how you can prevent Alzheimer’s, or other types of dementia, based on a holistic perspective. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I further explain a holistic path to health and happiness, through cultivating the four dimensions of the human condition: Mind, Body, Spirit, and the Social Self.
The Holistic Approach to Prevention of Dementia
First Step–The Physical Body
The physical self needs to be taken care of to get rid of the toxic effects that can harm the body. This simply means eating plenty of fruits and vegetables (the ‘greens’) and not eating an excessive amount of fatty meats such as red meat. Omega-3 fats found in cold water fish like salmon is healthy. Drinking fruit and vegetable juice, as well as teas rich in antioxidants is recommended. Eat a balanced diet, which will provide all of the necessary vitamins and minerals that you need. Vitamin E is also an efficient free radical that can remove the excess copper and iron in the brain, which make up the plaques in Alzheimer’s that tangle the neurons in the brain.
Alcohol and Smoking
It is also important to refrain from alcohol and tobacco. One glass of alcohol may not harm you, but avoid regular consumption of this drug. Alcohol can do damage to the body: It can deprive you of essential nutrients and is toxic to the brain. It can discourage eating healthy foods since alcohol can become addicting. It has an effect on your ’emotional brain’ that will have devastating effects on the nerves that carry messages in the brain and to the body. It increases the level of dopamine in the brain that is a ‘pleasure’ factor in any type of addiction.
Smoking is just as destructive, and also has addicting effects on the body. Prolonged exposure to second-hand smoke is also problematic, and should be avoided. Smoking constricts the arteries in the body and the brain, allowing blood clots to form. These effects can eventually lead to heart attacks or strokes. It is a major cause of other dementias, such as vascular dementia, but it also may contribute to Alzheimer’s.
Exercise
Exercise at a minimum of four times a week, especially brisk walking or other fast movement exercises. You may add weightlifting, push-ups, and sit-ups to your exercise program. Make sure you do this regularly. Exercise has beneficial effects on the circulation, which helps bring oxygen and glucose (sugar is changed to glucose) to the brain. Blood flow will be circulating through the body, nourishing the body and the brain. It keeps blood vessels healthy and well.
Recent studies also show that exercise promotes the generation of new nerve cells in the hippocampus, the memory and learning center of the brain.
Exercise may help you to lower your blood pressure. It is important to bring your blood pressure down, since high blood pressure increases your risk of developing dementia. Normal blood pressure is 120/70 but if it’s excessively higher than that it is risky. For instance, a systolic pressure (the heart at work) of over 140 is risky and you should keep it lower than that– ideally, close to the normal range. It is also important to know that a healthy heart is good for the brain.
Second Step–The Mind and the Emotions
Stimulate your mind with something challenging, like learning a new language. Read something that is interesting and challenging. Learn something that you pursued in the past, and seek new interests. As you learn new things your nerve cells or neurons continue to grow in the frontal cortex of the brain, and new neural pathways add-on to the pathways that you already have. Your upper part of your brain, the cortex, grows along with the growth in the neural pathways. Strengthening your mind can help prevent, or at least delay the onset of Alzheimer’s because of the increase of neural pathways in the brain.
Avoid Toxic Emotions
In addition to stimulating the mind, you need to control your ‘bad’ emotions and prevent them from taking over your mind. These toxic emotions include: anger, rage, resentments, worry and jealousy. Change your negative thoughts to more positive thoughts and refrain from toxic relationships. When you feel anger or other negative thoughts and feelings, work at changing them to more positive ones. These negative emotions can wreak havoc to your body and brain, sending stress hormones throughout, and causing damage to the brain. It is important to be calm and relaxed so the stress hormones, such as cortisone, will do no harm to your body or brain.
Third Step–The Social Self
Avoid Toxic Relationships
It is vital to cultivate positive, healthy, and loving relationships that are supportive and rewarding. Avoid those toxic relationships that can harm the brain and the body. It will engender chronic stress that can produce stress hormones for a long period of time; this can have an overwhelming, negative effect on the body and mind. Chronic stress on the brain can be devastating. The emotional brain, the amygdala (a part of the Limbic System) is on ‘high gear’ that causes neurons in the brain to become strained and vulnerable. The neural networks in the brain are compromised.
In essence, create healthy, loving connections with family, friends and others. You will not only be happy and content. You will be healthier than you were before, which makes you less vulnerable to dementia.
Fourth Step–The Spiritual Self
Spiritual growth will prevent the emotional part of the brain from leaping into ‘high gear’. As the mind/brain calms down and you live in the moment, healthy hormones are produced, such as oxytocin, which has a calming effect and reduces stress. Meditation and mindfulness are the recommended practices to make this come about, but you can also do this in a religious/spiritual way. The practice of mindfulness can become a way-of-life; and meditation can eventually come naturally.
The Nun Study
An interesting study (the Nun Study) which has been conducted for over 20 years, revealed that these Catholic nuns lived into their hundreds and had little evidence of cognitive decline. They were able to learn new things, such as a foreign language, even into their nineties. They exercised, ate healthily, prayed and lived spiritually. The findings showed low incidences of cognitive decline and dementia.
The Breath, Meditation and Prayer
The breath is basic to mindfulness: Make time to focus your attention on the breath as you breathe in and out for ten to twenty minutes at least twice a week. Meditate or pray in silence as a part of your daily life. The frontal cortex will begin to grow as shown in brain scans of subjects in various studies. Your brain will reap the benefits as you cultivate spiritual growth.
Conclusion
I discussed four steps to prevent dementia, based on the four dimensions of the human being: body, mind, spirit, and the social self. Epigenesis tells us that our experiences can affect our genes, and even change them. When you make all of these dimensions a part of your healthy lifestyle, you will be able to delay– or even prevent the onset of dementia.