Towards more Healthy Parenting by Michael A. Panar

July 20, 2018

Jamie was a well behaved child at thirteen, and her parents had high expectations for her. Her father, Steve, was strict and expected her to make high grades in school. Her mother, Monica, was rather indifferent and didn’t express her feelings, leaving it up to the father.

Jamie was expected to do perfectly in school and her “B” grades were not enough. When she came home with a “B” grade Steve would raise his voice and told her to study more. Jamie was afraid that he would become even more angry or violent.

Jamie could not respond because she feared her father would become even more angry. She couldn’t explain why she got a “B” in her report card. In her mind she thought Steve would be satisfied with her grades.  But in her heart she felt he would only punish her and tell her to study. He was never satisfied with her efforts, she felt.

Steve said, “I’m sick of your attitude, Jamie! How do you expect to get into college with this attitude!” his face turning red.

Jamie’s mother, Monica, didn’t say anything out of fear that it would cause an argument, or end in violence. Positive communication between her parents were non-existent. But Jamie needed a more positive family life that would be more emotionally supportive. And Jamie needed her mother’s love and support more than ever.

Jamie’s parents didn’t say much to each other. When they did talk to each other it ended in a loud argument. Steve had a temper and when he was angry both Jamie and her mother were afraid to say anything. Healthy communication was impossible. The family atmosphere was negative and and in need of loving care.

If Jamie’s mother had feelings or emotions that were repressed or suppressed, and never expressed openly. It would only add to the conflict, and emotions would get out of control. Problems wouldn’t be resolved. The relationship between Monica and Steve was lacking in love and compassion.

Jamie felt she couldn’t talk about how she feels. She wanted to say how she is really trying in school and wants to have good grades. But she couldn’t express her feelings. She never disclosed her feelings and became more frustrated. She even didn’t like herself any more. She was sad afraid and kept all of her feelings inside.

Jamie wanted to talk to her father, but was afraid to express her feelings to him, fearing that he would yell or become violent. She gave up on her mother who was wrapped up in her own feelings of discontent. She had no one to talk to except her brother who was six years older,  but wasn’t interested in getting involved.

A few months went by and the family was stuck with the problem. There wasn’t any change and Steve became more frustrated and angry. Steve concluded that Jamie was not doing well in school and there wasn’t any hope for her. When Jamie’s brother talked to her he would become even more angry. He would continue to lose his temper, and Jamie shed tears that made him even more angry.

Monica became more depressed and emotionally withdrew from the family and Jamie.
This made Steve even more upset with her. But he would only turn his anger on Jamie, who was not doing better in school.

Conclusion and Assessment of the Family

Jamie is in the first year of high school and she was looking forward to making new friends during her first year. She also was beginning to like school more than ever and wanted to make good grades. But she felt alienated and distant from her father. Jamie wanted his his support and confidence. But, instead, she became afraid of him and worried that he would become violent. She wanted support from her mother but her mother was too depressed to be supportive and loving.

This family expressed dismissive behavior in their relationship with their daughter. There was also a lack of love and support. Dismissive behavior was mostly manifested by the father who never acknowledged his daughter’s feelings and her desire to succeed in school. Family therapy would be recommended to change the pathological dynamics of the family.

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Filed in Depression, Dismissive behavior, emotions of anger, family, Insecure Attachment
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Healthy Communication can Relieve Depression by Michael A. Panar

March 31, 2017

Causes of Depression

Everyone may experience depressive feelings, but when it begins to have a disabling effect it may be a symptom of clinical depression. Dr. Aaron Beck, a pioneer in depression research, discovered that thoughts and feelings can affect your emotions and behavior. This can occur in three ways: First, a husband or wife may conclude that the other partner doesn’t care when she or he wants to be more active in the community or isn’t responsive. The partner takes it as a personal affront and concludes that the other person really doesn’t care. Secondly, if a wife (or husband) observes that her spouse doesn’t want to talk to her one day, she may feel that he’ll always be that way. The third factor is when a spouse thinks about all of the negative things in the marriage, and minimizes any of the positive qualities in the relationship. These kinds of thoughts, therefore, has the potential to cause sad or depressive feelings; but when it is profound it can be a symptom of depression.

Negative thoughts can make you depressed. But it also can occur as a relationship pattern: Problems in the relationship cause negative thoughts, which eventually lead to depressed feelings, or at worse, clinical depression. Clinical depression can alter the brain chemistry that may require medication as well as individual or family therapy.

Marian feels Lonely and Depressed

Marian, 27, for instance, was married for five years She thought she would be happy, but soon discovered that her marriage wasn’t satisfying. Her expectations for marriage were high: She wanted a husband who would be loving and responsive to her needs. But after five years of marriage she felt alone. She focused on her loneliness. There was no connection between her and Sam as she thought it was at the beginning of the marriage.

This loneliness prompted her to talk to Sam. Marian said, pleadingly, “Sam, what is happening to us? We’re not as close as we once were. And you’re never there for me.”

Sam shrugged it off. “We’re busy and we don’t have much time to do things. That’s the way life is!” Sam turned on his sports station without looking at Marian.

This wasn’t comforting for Marian as tears flowed down her eyes. Sam’s remarks made her feel even more frustrated and hopeless. She and Sam became more distant from each other. Sam did what he wanted to do, and Marian withdrew further into her depression.

Marian felt she could not have a child under these circumstances.  She became less responsive to Sam’s needs. There was increasing conflict in the relationship. She often blamed herself for the problems in the marriage. This only exacerbated the problem and she became more depressed.

When a person is depressed there is a cascade of negative thoughts that can overwhelm you. The negative thoughts become relentless and it seems impossible to stop. Marian was having a lot of hopeless thoughts that became overwhelming for her.

Marian went to her family doctor who gave her an antidepressant. After taking the medication she felt less anxious, but she still was lonely and dissatisfied in the marriage. Every time Sam came home from work there was chronic tension. Marian couldn’t talk to Sam when he expressed anger and criticism. There seemed to be no solution to the problem.

Psychologist Wilson McDermut at William Paterson University (and other family researchers) report that there is a relationship between depression and family dysfunction. Families with a depressed member often experience family dysfunction or marital distress. For Marian, it was marital dissatisfaction and distress that caused her to feel depressed.

Criticism and Depression

Family researchers have also found that excessive criticism or emotional over-involvement in the family can induce relapse in depressed patients. Criticism and emotional over-involvement are also a part of the family environment of depressed persons. In Marian’s situation, as she became more depressed, Sam became more critical and distant from her. When he criticized her it caused an emotional over-involvement of chronic conflict and tension. Then Sam withdrew into the ‘world’ of his friends that escalated her loneliness and depression.

Couple Therapy Begins

Fortunately, Marian called for an appointment for counseling. When I first saw her she didn’t want to talk about her problems. But as she began to trust me, after several sessions, she began to express her feelings. She agreed to talk to Sam and then asked him to come in for couple counseling. The next week Sam reluctantly entered the session. At the start of counseling he blamed Marian for all of the problems in the marriage. But since both spouses were unhappy with their relationship a new narrative unfolded. Sam began to understand that Marian wanted to have a better relationship with him. He realized that his avoidance made Marian more lonely and depressed. This was the beginning of working towards a mutually satisfying  marriage. If the couple continues to work on their relationship both spouses can be happy, and ‘depression’ would no longer be needed.

 

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Depression, the Family, and Social Support

August 2, 2016

Depression in the family has a negative effect on family relationships, as well as on each person in the family. It is difficult for family members who are not depressed to cope with the depressed person who is afflicted with feelings of deep sadness. Often the depressed member is unable to function, doesn’t want to relate to anyone, and spends a lot of time away from other family members. The depressed person is also not able to participate in activities outside the home, and often doesn’t want to socialize with anyone outside of the family.

Symptoms of Depression

According to the the DSM-5 (the Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association) depression is a mood disorder with symptoms of a loss of pleasure, appetite and weight, as well as having trouble sleeping. They frequently feel sad, angry or depressed. They are always tired and can’t concentrate. Some may feel worthless, and at worse, may feel guilty. In severe cases the depressed person may have thoughts of suicide, and may even act on these suicidal thoughts.

Medication is often prescribed, but there needs to be other ways to cope with the depressed moods that don’t seem to go away. There needs to be support and love from friends and family. Above all, family members need to be patient and supportive. The patient must feel accepted by friends, family, and health professionals. The depressed mood involves a loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time.

SOCIAL SUPPORT

In essence, the depressed mood is a chronic feeling of rejection, loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time. Other symptoms may include: loss of appetite and weight. More than three-fourths of depressed people report a lack of sleep. Or patients may eat and sleep more often. They complain of fatigue or being tired frequently. Many depressed individuals keep to themselves and only want to be alone.

Therefore, family support is crucial at this time, and if there is a partner, spouse or other family member, it is vital that this person be supportive of the depressed person.  I can’t overstate the importance of support from family members that is often lacking. It is the closest people in the life of the depressed member who are vitally important at this time. Love, support and kindness is the best treatment for a family member who is not motivated or is in a depressed mood. Loving-Kindness is the quintessential prescription for depression.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

It is likely that a very sad or depressed person had an insecure childhood. This individual never received the love and support from her parents or other significant others.  Once the insecure person reaches adulthood he or she lacks the resilience to cope well with stressful situations.

Parents are crucial in providing secure attachment for the child from birth to adolescence. Parents need to be responsive to the needs of the child. They need to give unconditional love and acceptance. They need to be attuned to the needs and feelings of their child. Over the course of infancy, childhood and the teenage years the child will feel good about self, and be become an emotionally secure adult.

Case Example–Marie

In one case example, Marie was abused as a child by an uncle when she was in grade school. She wasn’t able to express her feelings or talk about the abuse to her parents. So she kept it inside even though it was bothering her. Her grades in elementary school were lower than usual, causing the teachers to complain to her parents. They yelled at Marie and blamed her for her poor grades. Marie was afraid and didn’t express her feelings to them. Her father became angry, and threatened to punish her if she continued to get poor grades. She didn’t get the support from her parents, which she really needed at that time. It affected her schoolwork and her grades continued to go down. But she continued to go to school, even though she was quiet and kept her feelings inside.

Marie’s Later Years

After Marie barely made it and graduated from high school, she began to know some of her peers who had access to drugs. She became influenced by the new peer and drug culture where many of her friends were on drugs. She first tried marijuana and then began to take more addicting and dangerous drugs. She began to have relationships with young men who were not considerate of women and only wanted casual sexual relations. Her relationships ended quickly only to go into another unstable relationship.

During Marie’s young adulthood when she was in her middle twenties and thirties she began to drink alcohol and even began to try heroin. This gave her temporary pleasure, which only ended in sad or depressed thoughts. Her depression worsened and her doctor prescribed antidepressants. Along with her depression she was addicted to alcohol. Her depression worsened and it was difficult for her to get a job or engage in a healthy social life. She lived alone but had intimate relations with a man who left her as soon as he got what they wanted.

A year later she became close to her daughter, but she wasn’t able to care for her. She placed her in the care of relatives. She went to another town and lived alone and depressed.

Depression and Life Satisfaction

Undoubtedly deep, chronic sadness or depression has serious consequences for the depressed person and the family. In Marie’s case she felt no meaning in her life and she didn’t see herself as worthwhile. Her self-esteem was chronically low and her depression worsened. She isolated herself from friends and family. She wasn’t happy with her life or herself.

Others need to be understanding and show empathy (not pity) for the depressed person. She or he needs to feel accepted by family, friends and others. Social support is important at this time in the depressed person’s life.

We can’t deny the imbalance in the brain that can affect the degree of depression. For instance, the neurotransmitter, serotonin, is in short supply–and the balance of neurons and neurotransmitters can have a devastating effect, which only increases the depressive symptoms. Some medication may be needed to make it more bearable for the patient.

However, the social and family conditions that I have mentioned play a major role in the causes, prevention, and outlook for depression.

In conclusion, parents need to be attuned to the needs of the child. They need to give love and support to the child from early childhood to the end of adolescence. This will have a positive effect on the young child’s development and prepare her for healthy development in adulthood.

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Mother’s Coping with Separation and Child Rearing

July 22, 2015

Susan became depressed after her husband told her the truth of his infidelity, and decided to live with the other woman. She says, wiping the tears from her eyes, “Jack had an affair for two years and then decided to leave our two children, ages two and four. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve been depressed when he told me that he’s been having an affair for two years. How can he do this to me and the kids!” She couldn’t talk anymore as the tears began to flow from her eyes, without stopping.

She was looking for support and comfort from me as I handed her a tissue to wipe her tears away. But she still couldn’t stop crying. I reflected her feelings in my own words, as well as giving her emotional support. She felt some comfort and left the session to pick her children at the bus stop.

I continued to see Susan as often as possible in the beginning. She needed to continue to meet the children’s needs and help them through this difficult time. Susan still needed to work through her feelings and cope with the separation. Susan also had to get through her depression, which was affecting her ability to take care of her children.

The Nature of the Depression

There are many causes of depression: Sometimes it occurs from problems in early childhood when the depressed person was abused, even sexually, as a child. There may have been conflict, fighting and arguments in the childhood home. Parents may not have been loving and accepting of the young child. Secure attachment would not have been cultivated in the young child, which continued into adolescence. In other cases, depression can be a problem in the brain of the depressed person, with a deficiency of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. However, this chemistry in the brain can even happen in response to the social environment.

Susan’s Depression

Susan’s depression was not caused by childhood trauma. She had marital problems for some time up to the time when Jack decided to leave her. She was already depressed during the two years of his infidelity. Jack  was never there for her and seldom helped with the children.

Susan wasn’t happy that her husband wasn’t available for her or the children. She couldn’t express her feelings of discontent out-of-fear that Jack would react in anger. But she needed to express her feelings. Keeping it inside made her more depressed. Her depressed thoughts and feelings activated her emotional brain, which stimulated the pituitary gland to permit her adrenal gland to release the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline (or epinephrine and norepinephrine). Depression also lowers the level of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. The problem for Susan was the stress caused by her depression, which was chronic and exacerbating her symptoms.

Type of Depression

The type of depression that Susan has is not yet clinical depression, unless it worsens and fits the criteria of the DSM-5 (Diagnosis and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder). For instance, at least five symptoms are required according to the DSM-5. These symptoms include: low mood, loss of interest, fatigue, sleeplessness, low self-esteem, loss of appetite and agitation. Susan did experience problems with sleep, low self-esteem, and low mood. These symptoms were a direct reaction to Jack’s affair, and him leaving her.

 Susan’s Therapy Experience

One day Susan was thinking about the problem and she decided to come in to see me. I was delighted to meet Susan. She really had a scintillating personality. We shook hands and she expressed gratitude that she wanted to cope with the problem better than she had. After we greeted each other she sat down and talked about all of the problems she had with Jack. Then she talked about her children, Carrie, 2 and Todd, 4. Susan said, “Carrie and Todd were always well behaved but it got worse after I learned about Jack’s affair. I lost interest in them and usually didn’t respond to their needs. Their behavior got worse and I couldn’t handle them anymore. And I got even more depressed. Jack completely ignored me until he left. I was devastated.”

Susan’s greater awareness

As Susan continued to express her thoughts she became more aware of her feelings. She got in touch with her inner self and her resistance to change. She wanted things the way they were. Change was not an option. She hoped that Jack’s affair  would never had happened. Her feelings of being a mother were no longer there.

Susan began to work on her thoughts and feelings. She wrote down her thoughts and feelings through the week. She began to become more aware of how her thoughts controlled her feelings and behavior. These were discussed in session in more depth.

She began to feel more like a loving mother and was pleased with her more positive approach to parenting. Susan agreed to bring her children into several sessions. Some of these sessions involved Play Therapy and Susan became more aware of Carrie and Todd’s feelings through their words and actions in play. She gained more insights into the children’s minds through play. This was a positive change for Susan and her children.

As Susan became more aware of the problem, and became more confident as a parent, she was ready to turn the chapter in her life.

 

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Filed in Depression, Healthy Lifestyle, Parent and Child, relationships
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