I begin this discussion with case examples of stress or distress with the goal of increasing your happiness and quality of life. All things can change for the better if we live in the moments of life, with the goal of reducing the problems that can occur from moment-to-moment.
Once you have clearly and objectively Identified the source of your distress, the next step is to pave the way towards a better quality of life and happiness. Think of this as a journey that may take time and patience to achieve. Let’s begin:
Examples of Stressful Situations
Sally is under a lot of stress. She and Jerry had a good relationship six years ago when they married. But now she’s not happy andcan’t talk to Jerry about anything. When she expresses her feelings he doesn’t want to listen, which is frustrating for her. She says things are getting worse and feels like giving up.
In another case, Tim recently lost his job and can’t find a job that he enjoys. He has to find something just to survive. He worries constantly about his self-worth and the fear of not surviving the loss.
In a third case, Ben and his wife, Beth, argue a lot and it seems never-ending. The conflict is escalating and things don’t seem to be getting better. They seem to be trapped in their conflict and there isn’t a way out.
In an individual case, Marie is often depressed and her thoughts wander in hopelessness. It is difficult for Marie to be in a healthy relationship because of her chronic depression, which prevents her from meeting anyone who can give her love and comfort. In Finally, Joan is bipolar and isn’t happy with her life. She becomes over-excited and at other time depressed. Relationships are a problem since no one knows what to expect from her. Her relationships usually breakup or are in constant turmoil.
These are just a few examples of the unhappiness and discontent that occur in the daily life of many people. It almost seems like a ‘normal’ part of life. One can’t imagine life without problems or even turmoil. You can probably think about many things that occur daily that doesn’t make you happy– or even are frustrating or upsetting. It also may be problems in your relationships. In either case, it can cause you stress or discontent. It can affect your inner contentment and peace.
The Path to Inner Contentment and Happiness.
Be aware of your discontent
The first step is to look within yourself and discern what is bothering you. What are you unhappy about? Is it your thoughts or feelings? Or does it come from the outside, in your relationships with others– or with some unfortunate event in your life? Or it may be both from the inside and outside. Whatever it may be, it’s important to identify the source of your discontent.
To understand what is really bothering you it is important to be in a quiet place without distractions. Allow your mind to focus on these thoughts, with calmness. Prioritize the three most important things that you feel are causing your distress or unhappiness.
Once you have identified the cause of your discontent or unhappiness, it is important to focus your attention and awareness on those things that bothered you or were stressful. You need to see them clearly in your mind’s eye. Focus on all of the reasons for your discontent, with acceptance and without judgment of them. Observe them in the mind’s eye until you are completely aware of them. Then let them go, gently.
After you’ve done that, turn to the thoughts in your mind that made you ‘see’ these things as stressful, troublesome, or terrible. Focus on these thoughts clearly and with complete acceptance. Watch them float in your mind and look at them clearly. Turn these thoughts into a metaphor of a leaf or bubble. Let them float away or fade away as you watch them pass through your mind’s ‘eye.’ Focus your attention on these thoughts as they come and go, and then eventually dissipate into oblivion.
Watch the rising and falling of your breath after your mind is clear of the unhealthy clutter that you just witnessed. Now focus on only the breath for ten minutes with no thoughts present, but only your breath.
Nurture Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships help create inner contentment and happiness. Indeed, healthy relationships and happiness often go together: To be completely content and happy you need to be in healthy relationships. Healthy relationships also bring contentment. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss healthy relationships as crucial to a healthy “social self” and how the self needs to be in balance with mind, body and spirit. www.michaelpanar.com
Furthermore, Michael B. Frisch states in his book, “Quality of Life Therapy,” that happiness may be like a salad or a stew with different ingredients for different people. But life satisfaction is a key to happiness, and a healthy relationship is an important ingredient.
But what is a healthy relationship? This is a relationship that grows and matures. It consists of a couple (or friend) who really listens to the other. The partners always listen to the feelings and needs of the other. Love continues to grow in the relationship. Empathy and compassion for self and the other are cornerstones of this relationship. Partners are able to change for the better through the years, and they are resilient enough to strengthen their connection with each other even after struggles, crises or challenges. Partners in a healthy relationship are spiritual, and focus on the ‘possibilities’ in life and in their relationship
Conclusion
Quality of Life
It isn’t easy to have a “quality of life” that is satisfying and intrinsically rewarding. There will always be problems in life. Things won’t always go the way you would like. There will be problems in relationships over time. And there will be frustrations and disappointments over the course of life. There will be disabilities, or problems with you or your loved one’s health. We will all face losses over the course of time. But in spite of the uncertainties or difficulties in life, cultivating a “quality of life” will be rewarding and satisfying; it will make it easier to go through the challenges that will come your way. Begin today to reduce stress and enhance the quality of your life.
A Holistic Approach to Prevent Dementia by Michael A. Panar
November 1, 2013
Joan is worried that she may end up with dementia as she gets older. She says, in a worrisome tone, “I know I’m only fifty, but my parents had Alzheimer’s when they were in their seventies. I’m afraid I might end up just like them.
The Genes and Alzheimer’s
Joan has a reason to be concerned about having the gene for Alzheimer’s. But even when your parents haven’t had Alzheimer’s you may be uncertain whether you will be the victim of this disease as you reach age seventy or beyond. There is still no guarantee that anyone will not have Alzheimer’s in their lifetime. There is, of course, a gene for Alzheimer’s (Apolipoprotein E (ApoE) that may predispose a person to this disease. Inheriting E4/E4 alleles (one from each parent) is a major risk factor. But who will get Alzheimer’s in later life is not clear. We do know that about half of those over seventy-five will have the disease sometime during the later years. But it’s uncertain whether you or one of your loved ones will have this terrible disease in their sixties and beyond. You may not know even if you have the test for the gene.
Therefore, it is better to have a positive goal of preventing Alzheimer’s, than to worry about it. For instance ApoE is usually involved in lipid (fat) metabolism and the transportation of cholesterol through the body. So it seems reasonable to keep your bad cholesterol (LDL) down to a normal level. Also be sure your weight is close to the normal range.
There are other types of dementia, such as vascular dementia, that results from blood clots in the brain. But some of the things that you can do to prevent or delay Alzheimer’s could prevent these other dementias. No matter where you are in life, or how old you are, it is worth the effort to work on preventing this terrible disease.
Therefore I will discuss how you can prevent Alzheimer’s, or other types of dementia, based on a holistic perspective. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I further explain a holistic path to health and happiness, through cultivating the four dimensions of the human condition: Mind, Body, Spirit, and the Social Self.
The Holistic Approach to Prevention of Dementia
First Step–The Physical Body
The physical self needs to be taken care of to get rid of the toxic effects that can harm the body. This simply means eating plenty of fruits and vegetables (the ‘greens’) and not eating an excessive amount of fatty meats such as red meat. Omega-3 fats found in cold water fish like salmon is healthy. Drinking fruit and vegetable juice, as well as teas rich in antioxidants is recommended. Eat a balanced diet, which will provide all of the necessary vitamins and minerals that you need. Vitamin E is also an efficient free radical that can remove the excess copper and iron in the brain, which make up the plaques in Alzheimer’s that tangle the neurons in the brain.
Alcohol and Smoking
It is also important to refrain from alcohol and tobacco. One glass of alcohol may not harm you, but avoid regular consumption of this drug. Alcohol can do damage to the body: It can deprive you of essential nutrients and is toxic to the brain. It can discourage eating healthy foods since alcohol can become addicting. It has an effect on your ’emotional brain’ that will have devastating effects on the nerves that carry messages in the brain and to the body. It increases the level of dopamine in the brain that is a ‘pleasure’ factor in any type of addiction.
Smoking is just as destructive, and also has addicting effects on the body. Prolonged exposure to second-hand smoke is also problematic, and should be avoided. Smoking constricts the arteries in the body and the brain, allowing blood clots to form. These effects can eventually lead to heart attacks or strokes. It is a major cause of other dementias, such as vascular dementia, but it also may contribute to Alzheimer’s.
Exercise
Exercise at a minimum of four times a week, especially brisk walking or other fast movement exercises. You may add weightlifting, push-ups, and sit-ups to your exercise program. Make sure you do this regularly. Exercise has beneficial effects on the circulation, which helps bring oxygen and glucose (sugar is changed to glucose) to the brain. Blood flow will be circulating through the body, nourishing the body and the brain. It keeps blood vessels healthy and well.
Recent studies also show that exercise promotes the generation of new nerve cells in the hippocampus, the memory and learning center of the brain.
Exercise may help you to lower your blood pressure. It is important to bring your blood pressure down, since high blood pressure increases your risk of developing dementia. Normal blood pressure is 120/70 but if it’s excessively higher than that it is risky. For instance, a systolic pressure (the heart at work) of over 140 is risky and you should keep it lower than that– ideally, close to the normal range. It is also important to know that a healthy heart is good for the brain.
Second Step–The Mind and the Emotions
Stimulate your mind with something challenging, like learning a new language. Read something that is interesting and challenging. Learn something that you pursued in the past, and seek new interests. As you learn new things your nerve cells or neurons continue to grow in the frontal cortex of the brain, and new neural pathways add-on to the pathways that you already have. Your upper part of your brain, the cortex, grows along with the growth in the neural pathways. Strengthening your mind can help prevent, or at least delay the onset of Alzheimer’s because of the increase of neural pathways in the brain.
Avoid Toxic Emotions
In addition to stimulating the mind, you need to control your ‘bad’ emotions and prevent them from taking over your mind. These toxic emotions include: anger, rage, resentments, worry and jealousy. Change your negative thoughts to more positive thoughts and refrain from toxic relationships. When you feel anger or other negative thoughts and feelings, work at changing them to more positive ones. These negative emotions can wreak havoc to your body and brain, sending stress hormones throughout, and causing damage to the brain. It is important to be calm and relaxed so the stress hormones, such as cortisone, will do no harm to your body or brain.
Third Step–The Social Self
Avoid Toxic Relationships
It is vital to cultivate positive, healthy, and loving relationships that are supportive and rewarding. Avoid those toxic relationships that can harm the brain and the body. It will engender chronic stress that can produce stress hormones for a long period of time; this can have an overwhelming, negative effect on the body and mind. Chronic stress on the brain can be devastating. The emotional brain, the amygdala (a part of the Limbic System) is on ‘high gear’ that causes neurons in the brain to become strained and vulnerable. The neural networks in the brain are compromised.
In essence, create healthy, loving connections with family, friends and others. You will not only be happy and content. You will be healthier than you were before, which makes you less vulnerable to dementia.
Fourth Step–The Spiritual Self
Spiritual growth will prevent the emotional part of the brain from leaping into ‘high gear’. As the mind/brain calms down and you live in the moment, healthy hormones are produced, such as oxytocin, which has a calming effect and reduces stress. Meditation and mindfulness are the recommended practices to make this come about, but you can also do this in a religious/spiritual way. The practice of mindfulness can become a way-of-life; and meditation can eventually come naturally.
The Nun Study
An interesting study (the Nun Study) which has been conducted for over 20 years, revealed that these Catholic nuns lived into their hundreds and had little evidence of cognitive decline. They were able to learn new things, such as a foreign language, even into their nineties. They exercised, ate healthily, prayed and lived spiritually. The findings showed low incidences of cognitive decline and dementia.
The Breath, Meditation and Prayer
The breath is basic to mindfulness: Make time to focus your attention on the breath as you breathe in and out for ten to twenty minutes at least twice a week. Meditate or pray in silence as a part of your daily life. The frontal cortex will begin to grow as shown in brain scans of subjects in various studies. Your brain will reap the benefits as you cultivate spiritual growth.
Conclusion
I discussed four steps to prevent dementia, based on the four dimensions of the human being: body, mind, spirit, and the social self. Epigenesis tells us that our experiences can affect our genes, and even change them. When you make all of these dimensions a part of your healthy lifestyle, you will be able to delay– or even prevent the onset of dementia.
There are many problems in life that can easily make you feel stressed out and even depressed. There is also the pervasiveness of anger and frustration in everyday life. Often these realities can easily cause one to be depressed, angry, resentful, or sad. With all of these things happening you can easily feel that life isn’t worth living. Or you may just go through the motions and just do what you have to do.
These stressful situations may occur in only a part of your life: at work for instance, or be in your everyday life with family, friends, neighbors, strangers, or life itself. You may have to cope with the loss of a loved one, or feel anger toward one who betrayed you. You may have experienced a crisis in your life. Or you may have everyday problems at home, job, or with some people in your life. No matter what caused the stress it can escalate to a point of no return. You feel stuck in the stressful situation and see no way out.
Floating Thoughts
During these times of stress or crisis there is a plethora of thoughts that float through your mind. Depending on the intensity of the problem, the thoughts may continue to bombard your mind to the point of frustration. But even everyday, ordinary problems can be troublesome and continually float through your mind. These intruding thoughts can’t seem to go away. It may be frustration of something that happened to you a week ago, or a persistent anger towards a person who did something that offended you. It even may be something on the news or social media that upset you. There can be a myriad of problems in everyday life that cause you to be upset– and the thoughts continue to pass through your mind.
Pleasant Thoughts and Feelings
Pleasant thoughts will also float through your mind on many occasions: when you are having a pleasant feeling, sharing something pleasant with another, or looking forward to an enjoyable day. There are many happy, pleasant thoughts that will float through your mind during these times. Practice mindful meditation on these thoughts, as well as on any undesirable thoughts that may come to you from time-to-time. Being mindful of these pleasant thoughts will enhance your skills in mindfulness.
Practice of Mindful Meditation
Mindful meditation can help you to resolve or at least lessen these problems. You may need to attend counseling or therapy sessions to work on some of the problems. The more you are receptive to counseling, the more likely it will help you. Psychotherapy, family therapy and other types of counseling is a good resource for you to work on many of the stresses and issues that may befall you. But whether or not you attend counseling sessions, mindful meditation is something you can do any time, any day–since it can become a part of your healthy lifestyle. Better yet, mindful meditation can prevent problems from happening. It is an excellent way to have a healthy, happy, and satisfying life.
Mindful meditation or mindfulness is when you direct your attention to an experience, thought, feeling or object without expecting anything– and without judgment. For instance, when there is an unwanted thought that comes through your mind you would focus your attention on that thought. See it as a dark cloud in your mind. Then let it slowly flow away from your mind. This thought is still in your mind but you no longer can ‘see’ it. It is just away from your view. Another thought may then come in your mind. Close your eyes and see the dark cloud. Let it flow away from your view. You can practice mindful meditation on a thought, feeling or emotion. When you are not troubled by anything you can meditate on various things, such as: on your surroundings, nature, objects around you, and even other people. There are no limits to mindfulness. You can be mindful of all your experiences. It can become a way of life.
Conclusion
Mindful meditation can help you cope with the stresses in your life, the problems you may face, and unresolved relationships; this will free you from worry, anxiety and sadness. It can help you understand your mind more clearly than you ever did before. You will be able to focus on your relationships with others more clearly. You will discover new things about yourself, your mind, and your relationships. You are now on the path towards Wisdom.
LIFE CAN BE WORTH LIVING by Michael A. Panar
January 21, 2013
Anna never felt good about herself. She thought that when she became thirty she would have the good life, and have a high self-esteem. She says, “I thought I would feel better about myself at this time in my life. But I feel worse.”
Ann feels it began in her childhood. She felt her mother was not there when she needed emotional support. This did not make her react and become rebellious. Instead it made her more dependent, as she unconsciously yearned for her parents’ approval.
During her teenage years she needed her mother even more. She would try to talk to her, but she would never have the opportunity to disclose her feelings. She felt rejected.
Anna never recovered from this rejection. She craved support and love from her husband. She felt inadequate in her job as a sales person. Although she was only thirty, she felt older than her years.
Fortunately Anna was interested in coming in for counseling. She worked on her problems through cognitive therapy, where she expressed her thoughts and feelings about herself, and learned how to work on changing them to more positive and rational ones. This required high motivation and effort. And she felt better about herself after four months of counseling.
Essentially, counseling can help you to understand and change the thoughts that could be destructive to your health and well-being. Complementing therapy with meditation and mindfulness can prevent you from going back to those unhealthy thoughts. You will feel happy about yourself, and more confident at home and at work. Life will be worth living!
Resolving Distress Helps You To Enhance Your Self
November 16, 2012
Stephanie asks, “I’ve tried to meditate or relax but it’s hard for me. I have a lot of stress at work, and my two teenage kids drive me crazy. My husband works a lot and he’s not too supportive. How can I relax with all of this stress?”
Stephanie is overwhelmed with the ‘bad’ stress that she experiences every day. As she continued to talk about her problems, tears began to flow down her cheeks. “I don’t know where to start. There are too many things to worry about.”
After attending a few counseling sessions. Stephanie decided to talk with her husband, Joe. “I don’t know if you know what I’ve been going through for the last year, but I need your support, Joe. I wish you could help me with the kids, because they are getting out of control. They don’t listen to me.” Stephanie pleaded with him while tears flowed profusely from her eyes.”
Joe was taken aback, as if he didn’t know there was a problem. He had been so involved with his job at the department store where he worked that he never recognized what Stephanie was going through. But then he said, in a gentle and caring way, “I’m sorry that I didn’t know that you were having a hard time. I guess I thought you were strong and didn’t need my help. But I guess I was wrong!”
Stephanie was relieved that Joe understood her feelings and the stresses that she was going through. She was grateful that Joe cared about her feelings.
This was a new beginning for this couple. Joe was ready to take more responsibility at home. And he was able to talk to the children and set reasonable rules. This relieved a lot of stress for Stephanie. She felt more in control of her life and was now able to relax and meditate. After six months, Stephanie seemed happy with her sparkling smile. She said, happily: “I feel very relaxed today. The kids are even listening to me more than they ever did!” Now, Stephanie will be able to enhance herself in a way she’s never done before.
In one Chapter of my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss the importance of self-esteem and enhancing the self. In Stephanie’s case, she needed to resolve the distress at home before she could work on herself. As she felt more in control of her life– and have a better relationship with Joe–she would be able to work on her “self.” It will be easier for her to relax and feel at peace.
Essentially, it’s important to resolve the problems and stressors around you at home or at work. Then you will be able to enhance your self. Eventually, you will be able to be mindfully aware of the experiences in your life. Meditation will be easier, and you’ll be on your way towards a “healthy lifestyle.”
There is Hope for Depression
October 11, 2012
Stacey says, “When I’m depressed I can’t do anything. It makes me feel miserable. I don’t pay attention to my six and ten year old daughters, and I can’t do anything around the house. When I go to work at the department store, I can’t keep my mind on the job. I keep feeling incompetent at home and at work. Problems in my marriage also didn’t help.”
Negative Thoughts and Feelings
Depression occurs when you feel helpless and hopeless. You feel that everything is going wrong in your life, and you can only ‘see’ these hopeless thoughts in your mind. Soon, these negative thoughts and feelings take over your everyday life, and there is nothing else in your life. Eventually these negative thoughts become “automatic” and come to you anytime during the day, and are pervasive when you are trying to get some sleep. Your length of sleep is shortened, and you can become sleep deprived. The next day, it doesn’t get better and the automatic, negative thoughts continue through the day. Like Stacey, this prevents you from doing the things you want to do during the course of the day.
Changes in the Brain
Depression, of course, can be caused by any type of experiences in your life, such as: the death of a loved one, very low self-worth, accidents, a major crisis, health problems, heartbreak, and marital distress. These experiences can set off very sad and negative thoughts that don’t easily go away. They will also result in changes in the brain, such as lowering the neurotransmitter, serotonin–and triggering the hypothalamus to turn on the pituitary gland. Stress homones are produced from the pituitary gland (at the base of the brain)–which stimulate the adrenal glands to produce the stress hormone cortisol. Thus the proliferating, negative thoughts changes the brain and the chemistry of the body.
Marital Distress
If you have similar problems as Stacey, you are confronted with a lot of issues. But at the core of Stacey’s problem is the relationship. Over the years, Stacey’s connection with her husband, Tom, became increasingly distant. She felt alone and lonely in the marriage. Eventually this bothered her incessantly, and negative, automatic thoughts and feelings ran through her mind. It was so troubling that it affected her relationship with her children, and performance on her job. She had a lot of sleepless nights, which affected her overall health.
You may have different issues than Stacey, but the effect can be the same: having numerous negative feelings that affect you at home, work, or in the world.
Resolving the Problem
The first step is to resolve the primary problem: In Stacey’s situation she would need to discern whether the problems in the marriage can be resolved. You would need to look at your own life and know what has happened, such as low self-worth, death of a loved one, loneliness, a crisis, health problem, or adversity. It is helpful to recognize the initial event. After you’ve done this, ‘watch’ the negative thoughts or feelings running through your mind. ‘Look’ at them separately as they pass through the mind’s ‘eye.’ Learn from them and then ‘let go.’ Do this as a daily mindfulness practice. Then begin to breathe deeply, in and out, until you feel peaceful and relaxed. Practice this exercise any time during the day.
Sometimes it will be helpful to attend counseling sessions to work through the problem: Cognitive therapy sessions can help you to change your thoughts to positive or more rational ones. Couple counseling may help you and your partner to resolve issues in the relationship. Grief counseling may help you through the grieving process. Focusing on the initial event that precipitated the depression can be beneficial.
Mindful Meditation
Finally, you can work on your depressed throught on your own, through focusing and accepting these thoughts– and then letting them flow away. You can practice breathing exercises. There are other things you can do: walking meditation; mindfulness on an object in the house, or in nature; being mindful of the chores and tasks you do daily; and just being mindful (or meditate) on your own mind and thoughts–“with acceptance.”
Depression doesn’t have to be a hopeless condition or disorder. There is a way out of this seemingly fettered situation, and life can have a new meaning for you. A new beginning is at the other side of the ‘rainbow.’
New Challenges for a Parent in the Teenage Years
September 11, 2012
Jesssica says, “I try to spend some time with Sara but it’s not easy, now that she is a teenager. We used to do a lot things together, but now she wants to be alone or be with her friends. I try to talk to her but she doesn’t want to confide in me anymore. I feel I’m not doing a good job as a mother.”
Jessica is distraught and doesn’t feel competent as a parent. She wants to be with Sara, but Sara doesn’t show any interest in being with her. This is very disconcerting and Jessica feels she is losing her daughter.
If you are in a similar situation, or would like to have a better relationship with your teen, you musn’t give up on her. Instead, you should continue to show your child that you are as interested in her now, as you were when she was a younger child. Even though she is a teenager, she still needs your love and attention– though she may not seem to want your love. It is easy for a parent to give up and go on with his or her own interests, and gradually become more distant from the teen. But the teen actually wants your attention and love even if it’s unexpressed. At the same time, the teen is trying to find his or her identity. She just left the oasis of childhood and is now face-to-face with a new ‘world.’ So she needs to find herself during this critical time. She needs to know who she is and how she can relate to her peers–and society.
In Sara’s case, she had good relationship with her mother during early and middle childhood. This is a foundation for a good parent/teenager relationship. But the parent needs to know that the teen is at a very different level of development: She is trying to find herself in relation to peers and the family. There are different needs in adolescence compared to the early years. The parent needs to understand these different needs and relate to the child in a different way. Thus it’s vital to sit down with the teen and discern her wants and needs. Listening to the teen’s needs is crucial. Express love and give reasonable discipline when needed. Find things to do with the teen, while giving her autonomy. In contrast to the early years of childhood, there are new and different challenges during the course of adolescence.
Essentially, it’s going to take time to forge a new relationship with your teen. It will not be the same as in childhood but it can be just as rewarding for the parent and teenager. A new, healthy connection will unfold.
Facing Negative Thoughts in Depression
September 7, 2012
Margie states desperately, “I get depressed a lot and it makes it hard for me to relax. And I can’t put as much time with my four-year-old daughter. I’m taking medication for depression; it helps a little but then I get depressed again.”
Margie wants to feel better and not be depressed as much as she is. When she is with her daughter, Carrie, her mind drifts into negative thoughts. She worries about her life, her husband leaving her, and feels inadequate. Carrie tries to get her mother’s attention but Margie’s mind is somewhere else. Her negative feelings and thoughts take over her life. She thinks about how wonderful her married life was until her husband had an affair and left her. The loss of her spouse takes a toll on her mental health. She doesn’t feel like doing any work at home and “forgets’ about her daughter’s needs and wants. She sees herself as a failure: as a wife and mother. Margie constantly blames herself.
Negative thoughts can take over your life if you let it happen to you. The thoughts themselves become the new “reality” for the depressed person. So it’s important to see the thoughts as just thoughts: not real but only in your mind. To be sure, these negative thoughts have a basis in reality, from the negative experiences of the past or anxiety about the future. For Margie, it was her husband’s affair and him leaving her. She never expected this to happen. It came as a shock, because she thought she and her husband were happy.
If you are depressed like Margie, or have other types of problems that make you feel depressed, blaming yourself doesn’t help. It will only make you more depressed. Instead, take time for yourself in a quiet place and “look” at your thoughts mindfully: focusing on your thoughts and feelings with acceptance. Focus on these thoughts as they flow through your mind–and then let them slowly flow away like clouds in the sky. You can focus on one ‘cloud’ at a time as each one passes by.
In cognitive theray, you can practice changing these negative thoughts to more positive or rational ones.
The next thing you can do is to increase your social connections. Make new friends, and connect with your best friends and family. If you have a child, like Margie, connect with her and play with her. Read interesting stories to your child. Enjoy being with her. Social connections inside and outside of the family are therapeutic.
I discuss meditation, mindfulness, and depression in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle. Since depression, or even sad feelings, are pervasive in our family and society, I think it’s an important mental health issue. So it’s important to support and connect with one another.
A Pre-teen’s Search for Identity
August 25, 2012
Adolescence is a difficult time for both parents and the teenager, so it is important that communication is clear and empathic. The teen is experiencing changes, both physically and psychologically, and the parents need to be attuned to what is happening to their son or daughter. But if the parents are open to understanding their teen’s inner needs and feelings, it will be easier to have good communication with him or her.
Many changes occur at this time and it really begins before adolescence, during the pre-teen or ‘tween’ period at about 11 or 12 years old. The child begins to see ‘self’ as an individual in his or her own way. She sees herself more clearly as an individual apart from other members of her family, and different from her peers. It is a new discovery that seems to come from nowhere. This new discovery of ‘self’ can be exhilarating or depressing. If the child can perceive it as a positive discovery, self-esteem will be enhanced and she will feel good about herself. It will make her feel good and her self-worth and self-image will be resilient.
It is important at this time that family life is stable, and communication with the child continues to be positive in the home. If there is any conflict she will subjectively feel responsible for the chaos in the home. If the parents don’t talk with their tween, or talk to her in a negative way, she will perceive it as an affront on her. She will usually blame herself for the confusion in the home, since she is centered on her own self and identity.
When the tween becomes a teenager at 13 she will have more difficulty in finding herself. Identity will be affected. It will be difficult to have a clear sense of identity. She will not know who she is. She will look in the mirror and not really know who she is. But she will continue to search for an answer.
Tommy’s Aggressive Behavior
In one case example,Tommy, age 12, wants to be close to his father, John. But his dad is always busy working or associating with his peers. When he comes home from work he is in a bad mood and gets angry at Tommy for his uncontrollable behavior. Tommy wants his dad’s attention and goes to any means to get it. So he becomes defiant and misbehaves. His aggressiveness increases John’s yelling and criticism. Tommy only becomes more rebellious.
In this situation, Tommy is craving for his father’s attention. He needs John to validate his identity. But John becomes emotionally reactive, which doesn’t solve the problem, or meet Tommy’s needs.
After a while, John became aware of his handling of the problem. He discovered that he can’t take his problems at work home with him. He needs to leave these problems at work and resolve it in that situation. More importantly, John has to schedule his time with his friends and not let it interfere with time spent with his son. These problems will not easily be resolved, but with a commitment to a better relationship, there is a solution.
Essentially for a tween to have a healthy image of self, the parent’s relationship with the child is crucial. It is important for the parent to be attuned to the child’s needs while reinforcing a healthy identity.
Breathe to Release Tension
August 22, 2012
Deep breathing is one of the best and easiest ways to enhance your relaxation and relieve tension. It’s helpful to set a time each day to do this exercise– “breath counting.” You can also do the exercise when you feel “stressed out” or feel a lot of inner tension. The purpose of the exercise is to induce the “relaxation response.” So let’s begin:
1. Sit or lie in a comfortable position with your arms and legs stretched out, as you sit with your spine straight.
2. Breathe deeply into your abdomen. Pause before you exhale.
3. As you exhale, count “one” to yourself. As you continue to inhale and exhale, count “Two…three…four…five on each exhalation.
4. Continue to count to sets of four or five as you exhale; do this for at least five minutes.
5. Notice your breathing gradually slowing, your entire body relaxing, and your mind becoming calm as you practice this meditation.
If you haven’t practiced breathing in this way, it may seem difficult at first, but as it becomes a part of your lifestyle it will be easier and even enjoyable. It will help you to cope with the tensions in everyday life.