Unexpected Changes in a Marriage Over Time by Michael A. Panar
August 22, 2018
Marriage in the beginning
Bob was married to Cindy for about four years and they were happy together. They shared many things together with a lot of happy times. Their love became stronger every year and they felt very much in love. It was a marriage made in Heaven, they felt.
But after four years things changed. They no loner felt the same for each other. Cindy became more distant from Bob. She would do her own thing and she was happy being by herself. She began to have other interests with women she could share her interests with. She was still faithful to her marriage and wanted children, and she did enjoy being with Bob. But each day the couple became more distant from each other. Cindy would do her own thing and Bob went to work and was very tired when he came home. When he did come home he didn’t say much to Cindy. He would eat the meal that Cindy cooked without saying a word and then would go to the Living Room to watch television. Very Little was said during that time. It was quiet but not peaceful.
Cindy was continuing to create distance between her and Bob, and this gave her some comfort. She didn’t feel the love that she once felt for him. But she wasn’t happy and became more sad and distant from Bob. She wasn’t happy at home. She would try to find comfort in her friends. But even though she liked being with her friends it wasn’t enjoyable as it used to be. But she still reached out to them for companionship. It temporarily relieved her sad mood and her loneliness in the marriage.
Bob Turns to Alcohol
Bob also changed from his feelings of love for Cindy. He no longer felt the same for her. His love for Cindy was once very strong and he wanted to be with her as much as possible. Recently When he came home from his job as a bus driver he wouldn’t say much and avoided being close to Cindy.
Cindy would just say a few words and would go to her room and read a magazine. There was silence in the room. Bob didn’t say much and would just ignore her.
Cindy often cried alone in the room and hoped that things would change in the marriage. She really loved Bob and they once had a very close relationship with each other. For some reason she never thought that their relationship would get this bad. Now she is unhappy in the marriage that she was once happy with.
Bob felt the same way. He never thought his marriage to Cindy would ever get this bad. He didn’t want this to happen to their marriage like this. But he turned to alcohol to give himself relief. He made some new friends when he went to the Bar and this gave him temporary relief from the problems at home. But when he came home from his escape from a dying marriage it was the same thing: Cindy would go to her room after she cooked dinner and Bob would go to his own room. There was silence in the night.
While Bob would escape with alcohol, Cindy would cry herself to sleep and the following day seek comfort from her women friends as much as she could.
A Closer Look at the Marriage
The couple were married for five years and it seemed to be a happy relationship in the beginning. They had dreams of a happy marriage with children in their lives. But communication between them was becoming more negative and distant. The closeness in their marriage dissipated without their awareness.
The couple began to grow further apart and there were a lot of silent times. But both Cindy
and Bob were unhappy. Bob kept a distance and soothed his mind with alcohol, which gave him only temporary relief from the unhappiness in the marriage. Cindy felt lonely at home, but only found temporary relief when she was with her women friends. The distance between the couple widened to the point that the problems between them became irreconcilable.
A marriage needs to be nurtured to prevent a problem like the marriage of Cindy and Bob. The first step is to talk with each other and disclose one’s feelings to the other. A couple would also need to talk about positive things in the relationship and share one’s desires and dreams.
It is also crucial to have full disclosure with each other to maintain the closeness with each other. And it’s important to emphasize positive communication and listen to each other’s needs and desires. Depending on friends or alcohol instead of working together as a couple only increases the emotional distance from each other.
Couple Make a New Commitment to Each Other
In conclusion, even though the marriage is in trouble it is still possible to resolve the problems in the relationship if there is a desire and a new commitment for each other. In this case the couple agreed to work on their relationship because they still love each other. Accepting therapy is the beginning of a new and positive change in the life of this couple if they make a commitment together.
Towards more Healthy Parenting by Michael A. Panar
July 20, 2018
Jamie was a well behaved child at thirteen, and her parents had high expectations for her. Her father, Steve, was strict and expected her to make high grades in school. Her mother, Monica, was rather indifferent and didn’t express her feelings, leaving it up to the father.
Jamie was expected to do perfectly in school and her “B” grades were not enough. When she came home with a “B” grade Steve would raise his voice and told her to study more. Jamie was afraid that he would become even more angry or violent.
Jamie could not respond because she feared her father would become even more angry. She couldn’t explain why she got a “B” in her report card. In her mind she thought Steve would be satisfied with her grades. But in her heart she felt he would only punish her and tell her to study. He was never satisfied with her efforts, she felt.
Steve said, “I’m sick of your attitude, Jamie! How do you expect to get into college with this attitude!” his face turning red.
Jamie’s mother, Monica, didn’t say anything out of fear that it would cause an argument, or end in violence. Positive communication between her parents were non-existent. But Jamie needed a more positive family life that would be more emotionally supportive. And Jamie needed her mother’s love and support more than ever.
Jamie’s parents didn’t say much to each other. When they did talk to each other it ended in a loud argument. Steve had a temper and when he was angry both Jamie and her mother were afraid to say anything. Healthy communication was impossible. The family atmosphere was negative and and in need of loving care.
If Jamie’s mother had feelings or emotions that were repressed or suppressed, and never expressed openly. It would only add to the conflict, and emotions would get out of control. Problems wouldn’t be resolved. The relationship between Monica and Steve was lacking in love and compassion.
Jamie felt she couldn’t talk about how she feels. She wanted to say how she is really trying in school and wants to have good grades. But she couldn’t express her feelings. She never disclosed her feelings and became more frustrated. She even didn’t like herself any more. She was sad afraid and kept all of her feelings inside.
Jamie wanted to talk to her father, but was afraid to express her feelings to him, fearing that he would yell or become violent. She gave up on her mother who was wrapped up in her own feelings of discontent. She had no one to talk to except her brother who was six years older, but wasn’t interested in getting involved.
A few months went by and the family was stuck with the problem. There wasn’t any change and Steve became more frustrated and angry. Steve concluded that Jamie was not doing well in school and there wasn’t any hope for her. When Jamie’s brother talked to her he would become even more angry. He would continue to lose his temper, and Jamie shed tears that made him even more angry.
Monica became more depressed and emotionally withdrew from the family and Jamie.
This made Steve even more upset with her. But he would only turn his anger on Jamie, who was not doing better in school.
Conclusion and Assessment of the Family
Jamie is in the first year of high school and she was looking forward to making new friends during her first year. She also was beginning to like school more than ever and wanted to make good grades. But she felt alienated and distant from her father. Jamie wanted his his support and confidence. But, instead, she became afraid of him and worried that he would become violent. She wanted support from her mother but her mother was too depressed to be supportive and loving.
This family expressed dismissive behavior in their relationship with their daughter. There was also a lack of love and support. Dismissive behavior was mostly manifested by the father who never acknowledged his daughter’s feelings and her desire to succeed in school. Family therapy would be recommended to change the pathological dynamics of the family.
Steve gets angry a lot and doesn’t know how to control his emotions. “I try to control my anger but there is always something that makes me mad. Recently a friend of mine didn’t call me and I was very angry. I felt like calling him and telling him how I feel. But then I was able to stop before picking up the phone. It was really hard to do.”
Steve said that he was always upset when his father never understood him. He felt his father never loved him. “I still feel angry to this day. My dad never really cared about me. This is how I felt, and I’m still mad about it even to this day.”
When Steve felt out-of-control he would drink a bottle of beer and then another. This seemed to relieve his emotions. But it only returned and he found something else to be angry about. And then he had vivid images of his father’s ire towards him. He felt unloved and desperately needed his father’s love. But now as an adult he felt it was hopeless and he would always feel this way. His anger seemed to have control over him.
Anger affects Job
Steve has a good paying job driving a truck. He is a good worker but often loses his temper when a co-worker aggravates him. Sometimes he got into an argument that could easily get out-of-control. “I really need this job,” Steve said. “And I need the money!” But his job was in jeopardy every time he became angry.
In a fit of anger Steve raised his voice: “The only way I can solve this problem is to take a few drinks. This calms me down and I can be friendly with the other workers.”
However, Steve understood this was not the best solution. The only thing his drinking does is to suppress his emotions of anger. It doesn’t take it away. His anger is suppressed until another day. But he is still angry inside with angry thoughts running through his mind. And when these angry thoughts come out again it becomes worse than before. Eventually he understood that the anger doesn’t just go away. It only festers until it ‘explodes.’ It becomes a “dance of anger.”
Further Insight into His Emotions
In therapy, Steve began to look at his emotions more closely. He began to understand how his thoughts and feelings affect his behavior. It all began in his family when his father expressed anger towards him. At that time he couldn’t control the situation. He was a child who felt helpless. He couldn’t express his feelings to his father because of his father’s anger. He was afraid, although he never admitted that he was fearful of his father. Steve said, “I couldn’t tell my dad how I felt. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway. And I guess I was afraid.”
As an adult he had problems in his relationships. He would often lose his temper when he disagreed with his partner. He had one relationship after another. He became more frustrated. He desperately wanted a satisfying relationship but it never happened. He became angry with himself and gave up looking for a date with anyone. His anger was more within, and became more directed towards himself.
Attachment Problem
As a consequence of his father’s chronic anger and rejection of Steve. He lacked secure attachment in his childhood. His father was in control and never expressed any love for him. His mother was silent and was afraid to say anything, fearful that it would cause an argument.
Steve’s father was dismissive of him. Besides not showing affection for his son, he dismissed his son’s feelings. Steve was not permitted to express how he felt. His feelings didn’t matter. As an adult, Steve never accepted other people’s feelings. This caused problems in his relationships and friendships. He tried one relationship after another. Or he would soothe himself with alcohol which only numbed him.
Steve Seeks Therapy
Steve was never interested in therapy. He always pictured himself as an independent person who can solve his own problems. But he was so unhappy that he knew he had to resolve his problems in his relationships. He always hoped that he could love someone and have a relationship made in “heaven.” Eventually he decided to change his life for the better.
He called for an appointment and discussed his problems of anger– and the things that sets him off. He dealt with his problems of insecure attachment and his father’s behavior He tended to dismiss a partner’s feelings and emotions, which often caused trouble in his relationships. Often he thought he was right and the partner was wrong. His anger escalated until his partner couldn’t take it anymore.
Steve said when he became angry it tended to escalate beyond his control. This was the beginning of the end of a relationship. But he always blamed the partner for his anger. The anger became perpetual and he couldn’t turn off his emotions. It became a “dance of anger” in his relationships. After the dissolution of every relationship he felt loneliness and regret.
Emotions Behind the Anger
As Steve discussed his feelings and emotions he began to understand his thoughts of resentment, and feelings towards his father. These emotions didn’t go away once he became an adult. It just festered within. He began misusing alcohol but it didn’t help him. His anger continued to come back to haunt him. Alcohol seemed to be the solution, but it was only covering up the pain that he felt as a child, and now as an adult. But now there is good news: Steve wants to solve his problems with his suppressed feelings of the past, and problems in his relationships. He is on the ‘road’ to recovery.
Depression, the Family, and Social Support
August 2, 2016
Depression in the family has a negative effect on family relationships, as well as on each person in the family. It is difficult for family members who are not depressed to cope with the depressed person who is afflicted with feelings of deep sadness. Often the depressed member is unable to function, doesn’t want to relate to anyone, and spends a lot of time away from other family members. The depressed person is also not able to participate in activities outside the home, and often doesn’t want to socialize with anyone outside of the family.
Symptoms of Depression
According to the the DSM-5 (the Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association) depression is a mood disorder with symptoms of a loss of pleasure, appetite and weight, as well as having trouble sleeping. They frequently feel sad, angry or depressed. They are always tired and can’t concentrate. Some may feel worthless, and at worse, may feel guilty. In severe cases the depressed person may have thoughts of suicide, and may even act on these suicidal thoughts.
Medication is often prescribed, but there needs to be other ways to cope with the depressed moods that don’t seem to go away. There needs to be support and love from friends and family. Above all, family members need to be patient and supportive. The patient must feel accepted by friends, family, and health professionals. The depressed mood involves a loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time.
SOCIAL SUPPORT
In essence, the depressed mood is a chronic feeling of rejection, loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time. Other symptoms may include: loss of appetite and weight. More than three-fourths of depressed people report a lack of sleep. Or patients may eat and sleep more often. They complain of fatigue or being tired frequently. Many depressed individuals keep to themselves and only want to be alone.
Therefore, family support is crucial at this time, and if there is a partner, spouse or other family member, it is vital that this person be supportive of the depressed person. I can’t overstate the importance of support from family members that is often lacking. It is the closest people in the life of the depressed member who are vitally important at this time. Love, support and kindness is the best treatment for a family member who is not motivated or is in a depressed mood. Loving-Kindness is the quintessential prescription for depression.
SECURE ATTACHMENT
It is likely that a very sad or depressed person had an insecure childhood. This individual never received the love and support from her parents or other significant others. Once the insecure person reaches adulthood he or she lacks the resilience to cope well with stressful situations.
Parents are crucial in providing secure attachment for the child from birth to adolescence. Parents need to be responsive to the needs of the child. They need to give unconditional love and acceptance. They need to be attuned to the needs and feelings of their child. Over the course of infancy, childhood and the teenage years the child will feel good about self, and be become an emotionally secure adult.
Case Example–Marie
In one case example, Marie was abused as a child by an uncle when she was in grade school. She wasn’t able to express her feelings or talk about the abuse to her parents. So she kept it inside even though it was bothering her. Her grades in elementary school were lower than usual, causing the teachers to complain to her parents. They yelled at Marie and blamed her for her poor grades. Marie was afraid and didn’t express her feelings to them. Her father became angry, and threatened to punish her if she continued to get poor grades. She didn’t get the support from her parents, which she really needed at that time. It affected her schoolwork and her grades continued to go down. But she continued to go to school, even though she was quiet and kept her feelings inside.
Marie’s Later Years
After Marie barely made it and graduated from high school, she began to know some of her peers who had access to drugs. She became influenced by the new peer and drug culture where many of her friends were on drugs. She first tried marijuana and then began to take more addicting and dangerous drugs. She began to have relationships with young men who were not considerate of women and only wanted casual sexual relations. Her relationships ended quickly only to go into another unstable relationship.
During Marie’s young adulthood when she was in her middle twenties and thirties she began to drink alcohol and even began to try heroin. This gave her temporary pleasure, which only ended in sad or depressed thoughts. Her depression worsened and her doctor prescribed antidepressants. Along with her depression she was addicted to alcohol. Her depression worsened and it was difficult for her to get a job or engage in a healthy social life. She lived alone but had intimate relations with a man who left her as soon as he got what they wanted.
A year later she became close to her daughter, but she wasn’t able to care for her. She placed her in the care of relatives. She went to another town and lived alone and depressed.
Depression and Life Satisfaction
Undoubtedly deep, chronic sadness or depression has serious consequences for the depressed person and the family. In Marie’s case she felt no meaning in her life and she didn’t see herself as worthwhile. Her self-esteem was chronically low and her depression worsened. She isolated herself from friends and family. She wasn’t happy with her life or herself.
Others need to be understanding and show empathy (not pity) for the depressed person. She or he needs to feel accepted by family, friends and others. Social support is important at this time in the depressed person’s life.
We can’t deny the imbalance in the brain that can affect the degree of depression. For instance, the neurotransmitter, serotonin, is in short supply–and the balance of neurons and neurotransmitters can have a devastating effect, which only increases the depressive symptoms. Some medication may be needed to make it more bearable for the patient.
However, the social and family conditions that I have mentioned play a major role in the causes, prevention, and outlook for depression.
In conclusion, parents need to be attuned to the needs of the child. They need to give love and support to the child from early childhood to the end of adolescence. This will have a positive effect on the young child’s development and prepare her for healthy development in adulthood.
Understanding the Cause of Avoidance in Marriage by Michael A. Panar
November 9, 2015
“I feel we are drifting apart from each other,” Daniel said.
Daniel was surprised to hear Cindy admit that there was a problem in their marriage. He thought everything was all right since she never complained before. He wasn’t happy in the marriage himself. He thought about it, but when he didn’t feel close to Cindy he would go to another room and read the same newspaper that he read in the morning. This is how he dealt with the underlying marital problem. He wanted to talk to Cindy, but it was easier to avoid her.
One Sunday morning, however, Daniel felt unhappy and wondered what he is doing in such an unhappy marriage. He thought it was not about Cindy. It was about the children, Stevie, 5 and Cherry, 8. He couldn’t imagine abandoning the children. But everything was becoming unbearable, including getting up in the morning and finding Cindy unresponsive to his needs.
Daniel said, “Our communication over the last couple of years have been nonexistent. We never said much together or even argue. I would make it worse by not talking to Cindy and avoiding her when I came home from work. But she didn’t seem to mind me avoiding her. She didn’t talk to me much either. We both were apart from each other even when we had dinner as a family.”
Cindy responded, “I guess I was as bad as Dan. I was unhappy but I never really told him how I felt. I felt frustrated. Dan never helped out much with our kids. I had to discipline them when they were misbehaving and he never seemed to care. He never wanted to talk to me and kept to himself. I was lonely but he never tried to comfort me, even when he knew I was depressed.”
Both Cindy and Daniel acknowledged withdrawal from each other. Neither spouse was happy in the marriage. But they couldn’t talk to each other. Daniel even withdrew from the children. He couldn’t relate to them. Cherry tried to get on his father’s lap but he just pushed her aside and said he was busy.
Cindy felt she had to give some attention to the children, because she had to provide for their basic needs. But she had problems in relating to Stevie and Cherry, unless they persisted in trying to get her attention. In the meantime, Cindy did what she had to do to provide for their needs.
Cindy felt resentful of not getting any help from Daniel. This made her very angry, but she kept her feelings inside. She couldn’t express her needs or feelings to him. But this festered even more in her mind, which caused her further stress. Daniel seemed to be unaware of Cindy’s discontent. He assumed that being a mother she could handle the problems with the children.
As these problems became more entrenched in their relationship both spouses withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy was lacking and there wasn’t any emotional support. Daniel would do some work around the house and Cindy became depressed. Neither were happy in the relationship.
Stevie and Cherry were being fed, but their emotional needs weren’t meant. Stevie became more difficult to handle. He would have more frequent tantrums, which tested the parents’ patience. Daniel became angrier and put Stevie in a lot of time-outs. He tested his dad’s patience with even louder tantrums.
In the meantime, Cindy became more depressed and wanted to be alone. Her communication with Daniel became almost non-existent. Daniel comforted’ himself with various projects around the house. The couple continued to avoid each other.
Avoidance and Anxious Attachment
Daniel’s Early Years
In this case, both Daniel and Cindy had insecure attachment from their own childhood, the avoidant type. For instance, Daniel’s father did not relate to him. His father often showed no love and he would often be too busy to relate to Daniel. When his father showed some interest he was impatient with him, and didn’t want to relate to him in a loving way. He would often lose his temper and Daniel would be afraid to say anything to him. This avoidance and anger continued through his childhood and adolescence.
Daniel’s mother didn’t show love to him. He often wanted support from his mother but he couldn’t turn to her for love or support. He had no one to turn to.
Cindy’s Early Years
Cindy needed the love and support from her mother, but she was too depressed to give her daughter any attention. Her thoughts would often ruminate in negative and sad ways. She was too busy thinking of the bad things in her own life, rather than paying attention to Cindy. Cindy needed support from her mother but it wasn’t available for her.
When Cindy tried to talk to her dad, he often lose his temper and expected her to help her mother with the household tasks. Cindy felt rejected and unloved.
Marriage and Family
Both Cindy and Daniel experienced rejection and avoidance during their childhood. Although they had different experiences they both were “anxiously attached.” This anxious attachment was then carried over into their own marriage and family. They even were avoiding each other without feeling a need for support from the other. They had no one to turn to. They needed each other’s love and support. Their anxious, avoidant behavior was entrenched and seemed the ‘normal’ type of behavior.
The Solution
The solution to this couple’s problems seemed to be difficult, if not impossible. There was no desire to solve the problems since they would have to change their stance in life and overcome their avoidant behaviors. Cindy would need to overcome her depression and change her ways of approaching Daniel. Avoiding Daniel only made matters worse. Communication became impossible. And she was not happy with her life.
Daniel had to be more loving and supportive of Cindy. He also needed to resolve his “anxious-avoidant” attachment and try to reach out to Cindy. He would need to be more family oriented and show interest in the children. He and Cindy would need to be involved with the children and enjoy this experience together.
There is a lot of work to do, but this couple can overcome some of their problems of anxious, avoidant attachment, and become more involved in their relationship–and in parenting. This is not an easy task, but it is possible to solve some of their problems of the past and to move forward into the future. There is always hope.
A Summary: A followup
In couple and individual sessions, the couple was able to work through their problems. They began to speak and listen to each other. Intimacy was enhanced. In family sessions they were involved in sessions with the children. Their intimacy and connection to each other and the children became more satisfying. The problems of avoidance and anxious attachment will not completely go away, but their relationship will continue to improve. Their love will grow more deeper and spiritually.