There is an implicit desire to find a loving partner and soul mate, whether you are presently dating, engaged, living together, or married for many years. There seems to be an innate desire to have a soul mate who will be your faithful companion for life. Even in this technological age, where spirituality is not the centerpiece of the culture, there is a spiritual longing for a soul mate.
It usually begins when you fall in love with the partner. Romantic love enchants you to feel emotionally attached to the other. The emotions of romantic love are captivating and intense. These feelings engender the perception of an enduring happiness. But it is a fanciful creation.
During steady dating and courtship the romantic feelings “tell” you that this is the “right” person for you. The intense feelings of romantic love seem real. The idealization of romantic love emotionally enmeshes you with your partner.
For instance, Jennifer was dating Tim for the past two years. From the beginning she fell madly in love with him. The feelings she had confirmed in her mind that Tim was the right man for her. “We did everything together, and we were very attracted to each other. I felt one with Tim. Without him I was lonely.”
“I felt the same way,” Tim said. “Without Jenny, I felt incomplete.”
Romantic feelings make you feel you found the right person. And you would be “incomplete” without the partner. Indeed, some sociologists call these feelings the “romantic love complex.” The feelings of romantic love are the basis of staying in a relationship. Being in love is the reason to get married or deciding to live together.
Social scientists have found that romantic love replaces kinship and family as a way to find your partner. In the past, parents had more control in the mate selection process. But as the parents’ authority declined the partners were free to choose their own partners. Romantic love became the “reason” to marry.
Jennifer and Tim had these feelings for each other. After three years of marriage, Jennifer could not imagine that the love she had for Tim would ever dissipate. “I loved Tim very much. There was never a doubt in my mind that he was the one for me.”
Tim felt the same way: “I still love her, but everything changed after three years of marriage. Jenny changed. She doesn’t respond to my needs anymore.”
“I still love Tim,” Jennifer says, “but I don’t feel the same way. He avoids me all the time, and I’m alone most of the time. The close communication we had is no longer there.”
For Jennifer and Tim, romantic love had waned, and the feelings they had for each other had evanesced after three years of marriage.
Indeed, a recent study reported that the “seven year itch” is no longer true. Instead, even after three years of marriage the feelings of romantic love seem to wane for many couples.
In short, romantic love is not enough to sustain a relationship, or to find your soul mate. But the emotions of romantic love are intense and mesmerizing. It’s easy to depend on it. “Falling in love” seems to be a natural process with biochemical effects. And it is an integral part of modern culture.
However, if you want to find a loving partner, or your soul mate, you need to go through six steps to accomplish this goal. Romantic love would still be a crucial part of your relationship. But to find your soul mate you need to do more. If you go through these steps you will increase your chances of finding your soul mate. These steps are consistent with sociologist Ira Reiss’s “Wheel Theory of Love.” Reiss elaborated on the stages of love that include rapport, mutual disclosure, fulfillment of each other’s needs, mutual dependency, and fulfillment of personality needs. It is really more than “stages”; it is like a “wheel” where there is a mutual interaction; and it continues to move in a circular motion as long as the partners communicate with each other.
The Six Steps
Nurture a Friendship
Become friends: As you enter steady dating or courtship you need to become friends, apart from the romantic feelings. Positive communication is the beginning of a friendship. Talk to each other about your interests and activities. Share feelings with each other. Feel comfortable with the other person as you talk about your feelings and desires. Emphasize the positive in your communication with each other.
Susan and Steve started their courtship in this way. Susan, for instance, felt comfortable in talking with Steve. “We worked at the same place and always looked forward to having coffee breaks together. And when we sat down together we could easily talk to each other about anything. It was all positive.”
Steve felt the same way: “I decided to talk to her about my dreams and desires. And she would listen to me. We were tuned into each other.”
Talk About Worries and Concerns
In addition to communicating positive feelings and desires (and forming a friendship) you need to feel that you can easily talk to each other about worries and concerns. You would be able to share these feelings.
Susan said, “I could easily talk to Steve about my fears. When I had a health problem I could talk to him and he showed compassion”
“She listened to my anxieties about my job,” Steve said. “I felt insecure in my job and I could easily talk to Susan about it. She understood my feelings.”
Communicate Without Blame or Criticism
When you talk with each other, don’t criticize or blame, but listen empathically to the other person. This is one of the qualities of Susan and Steve’s relationship: They were able to understand what the partner was saying, and were able to put themselves in the other’s place.
Empathy is the quality of really putting yourself in the other’s position: to really “experience” the partner’s feelings and emotions. At the same time, you are a ‘separate’ individual from the partner. Empathic listening would be a pivotal part of your communication with each other.
Cultivate Trust in the Relationship
It is also vital to cultivate trust in your relationship When there is trust you can easily confide in the other. Of course when you trust the partner you make yourself vulnerable. But this is not a problem for couples who have a mutual trust in the other. When you trust the partner, you feel more comfortable in disclosing your deepest feelings.
In another case, Kim and Dan’s marriage expressed an illusion of trust, since there wasn’t a mutual understanding. It was assumed that the partners would be faithful to each other. But Dan didn’t really accept the importance of trust in the relationship.
Nurture Intimacy
Once you have accomplished these initial steps you will be well on your way of becoming intimate.
Susan and Steve were successful in achieving intimacy in their marriage. Steve says, “I always felt comfortable in sharing my thoughts with Susan. She always understands, even if it’s something she doesn’t agree on.”
“I feel the same way,” Susan says. “I think the longer we are together the more intimate we are. I feel very close to Steve, and I hope it’ll always be that way.”
Intimacy is the disclosure of feelings in the relationship. Both partners are able to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. Intimacy includes sexual feelings and satisfaction, but it is much more than the physical dimension. It involves thoughts, feelings and emotions. There is a complete understanding and desire to know the partner. Yet there is always a mystery about the other person and the desire to know more about him or her. The “mystery” will always be there through years into the relationship.
Conclusion: The Spiritual Connection
As you ‘work’ on the five steps in your quest to build a loving partnership it is important to always focus on the spiritual connection. The spiritual connection is the sixth step, but it envelops the first five steps. At the same time you need to accomplish the five steps before you can achieve a more complete, spiritual connection.
Spirituality in the relationship expresses an all-giving love that is completely unselfish. It is not the romantic love of passion, but a love that is mature and compassionate. It is understanding and empathic. It is the mutual feeling of a genuine connection with each other. It is not an unrequited love It is a genuine love.
Passion and romantic love can still be a part of your marriage or relationship, but romantic love needs to be complemented with genuine love. The latter is the love you need to cultivate for life. It is an enduring love. It is the love that will bring you closer to finding your soul mate.
Once you and your partner master the ‘six’ steps you will avoid the pitfalls in your relationship. Therapist John Gottman described the pitfalls as destructive patterns in relationships. These destructive patterns are the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Distressed and unhappy couples express these patterns in their relationships. But after the six steps became a part of your relationship you will not have an “apocalypse.” You will have a loving partner and soul mate.
Listening Begins in the Family
It is in the family that you can learn to listen to another’s thoughts and feelings. Parents need to cultivate this skill from early childhood through adolescence–and they need to be role models. Parents can’t just tell the child to listen; they need to show it in their own behavior. They need to listen to the child’s needs, according to the developmental age of the child. So it’s important that the parent understands something about human behavior and child development. Parents also need to continue to practice on their own listening skills. It won’t be perfect. But it is a challenge that can be achieved.
The Art of Listening
Jennifer never learned to listen to another person. During her childhood she was often ignored and felt worthless. She says, “My parents never really paid attention to me. I think I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family. I had to do my own thing since my parents never showed me any love. I always felt bad about myself.”
Eventually Jennifer did her ‘own thing’ and was drawn into drugs and alcohol. Of course, Jennifer’s case is extreme, but this demonstrates the importance of listening in family life–beginning with the parents. Most of us, however, can always improve our listening skills. We can always become better listeners by becoming more empathic, and learning the skills needed be be better listeners. Essentially, listening is an art that can be further nurtured and cultivated.
Therefore every person will have differing skills in listening. Some may be able to do it well. Others, partly because of what they learned in childhood and adolescence, may have some difficulties in expressing empathetic listening. Still others may have a more difficult time, like Jennifer, in learning to listen well. But no matter where you are along this scale, you can always improve your listening skills. You can always be a better listener.
The first step is to understand your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Anger and depression, for instance, prevents you from listening well to another person. When you are angry there is inner tensions of the body, inner irritation and even disgust, which eventually make you “explode” in a fit of anger. At this moment you are unable to be calm enough to listen to that individual. The emotion of anger is controlling you.
In the same way depression is upsetting you so much that you don’t want to listen to another. You are so absorbed in self-blame or worry that you are unable to pay attention to another person. The emotions of being depressed is all consuming that you can’t focus on anything else.
In essence, it is important to ‘listen’ to your own thoughts and feelings, whether you are angry, depressed, or unable to listen for other reasons. Understanding the feelings beneath your emotions is an important step in controlling your own emotions, and being able to listen to a friend, work partner, acquaintance, your partner or spouse.
Once you are able to reflect on your feelings and emotions, you will be able to develop your skills in listening. Here are some of the steps in listening and speaking:
Steps in Learning to Listen and Speak
1) Practice with a family member, or someone you know well. Let the other person express his or her feelings, while you just listen carefully, without interrupting. When the other person is done speaking, look directly into that person’s eyes with the intention of understanding the feelings that were just expressed.
2) The next step is to reflect back those feelings that were expressed. Reflect while using your own words, and with the intention of trying to understand the thoughts and feelings conveyed. Never express your own thoughts and feelings at this stage.
3) At this point, stop and wait for the person to confirm that you are correct in your reflection.
4) If you have listened to the satisfaction of the listener, it is now your turn to express your feelings to that person, doing the same thing. You are now the speaker or expresser. Express your own feelings and desires without blaming the other person (who is now the listener).
You can practice these skills as often as you want, while letting the other person do the same. You can also practice it with other people as the situation requires. But remember, the parties involved must be willing to do this as a practice session. There also has to be a mutual caring for each other.
Learning these skills in the beginning will seem artificial, but as it becomes a normal pattern of relating, listening in this way will seem as natural as a gentle breeze.
Mindfulness and the Art of Listening
If you want to be a good listener, and have healthier relationship, mindfulness practice will help you. In my book, Create a Healthy Style (www.michaelpanar.com) I discuss in two chapters the ‘secrets’ of developing healthy relationships. In the book I also discuss meditation, mindfulness, loving-kindness and self-compassion. Mindfulness and spiritual growth can further enhance your listening skills.
I believe as you become more spiritual and practice self-compassion and compassion for another you will feel at one with your partner or friend. As you do this it is more likely that the other person will want to listen to you. In the Buddhist tradition, in addition to compassion (which is not pity but caring for the other), Loving-Kindness to yourself and the other person will strengthen your bond together. It will take practice, but as it becomes a part of you and your connection to the other, your spiritual bond will grow.
It is important, therefore, to be attuned to the needs and feelings of your partner or friend, and complement it with a spiritual connection. The rays of love will flow through one another.
Conclusion
Even though you didn’t have a childhood that was loving or safe it is still possible to cultivate your listening skills, and improve your relationships. You can further enhance your connections with your partner or friend through a spiritual connection that would enrich your social bond to a more spiritual level. It may be more difficult depending on the degree of your “secure attachment” in your childhood and adolescence. But don’t give up. Practice listening and enhance your spirituality. Eventually, the light of your love will be manifested in your relationships.