Unexpected Changes in a Marriage Over Time by Michael A. Panar
August 22, 2018
Marriage in the beginning
Bob was married to Cindy for about four years and they were happy together. They shared many things together with a lot of happy times. Their love became stronger every year and they felt very much in love. It was a marriage made in Heaven, they felt.
But after four years things changed. They no loner felt the same for each other. Cindy became more distant from Bob. She would do her own thing and she was happy being by herself. She began to have other interests with women she could share her interests with. She was still faithful to her marriage and wanted children, and she did enjoy being with Bob. But each day the couple became more distant from each other. Cindy would do her own thing and Bob went to work and was very tired when he came home. When he did come home he didn’t say much to Cindy. He would eat the meal that Cindy cooked without saying a word and then would go to the Living Room to watch television. Very Little was said during that time. It was quiet but not peaceful.
Cindy was continuing to create distance between her and Bob, and this gave her some comfort. She didn’t feel the love that she once felt for him. But she wasn’t happy and became more sad and distant from Bob. She wasn’t happy at home. She would try to find comfort in her friends. But even though she liked being with her friends it wasn’t enjoyable as it used to be. But she still reached out to them for companionship. It temporarily relieved her sad mood and her loneliness in the marriage.
Bob Turns to Alcohol
Bob also changed from his feelings of love for Cindy. He no longer felt the same for her. His love for Cindy was once very strong and he wanted to be with her as much as possible. Recently When he came home from his job as a bus driver he wouldn’t say much and avoided being close to Cindy.
Cindy would just say a few words and would go to her room and read a magazine. There was silence in the room. Bob didn’t say much and would just ignore her.
Cindy often cried alone in the room and hoped that things would change in the marriage. She really loved Bob and they once had a very close relationship with each other. For some reason she never thought that their relationship would get this bad. Now she is unhappy in the marriage that she was once happy with.
Bob felt the same way. He never thought his marriage to Cindy would ever get this bad. He didn’t want this to happen to their marriage like this. But he turned to alcohol to give himself relief. He made some new friends when he went to the Bar and this gave him temporary relief from the problems at home. But when he came home from his escape from a dying marriage it was the same thing: Cindy would go to her room after she cooked dinner and Bob would go to his own room. There was silence in the night.
While Bob would escape with alcohol, Cindy would cry herself to sleep and the following day seek comfort from her women friends as much as she could.
A Closer Look at the Marriage
The couple were married for five years and it seemed to be a happy relationship in the beginning. They had dreams of a happy marriage with children in their lives. But communication between them was becoming more negative and distant. The closeness in their marriage dissipated without their awareness.
The couple began to grow further apart and there were a lot of silent times. But both Cindy
and Bob were unhappy. Bob kept a distance and soothed his mind with alcohol, which gave him only temporary relief from the unhappiness in the marriage. Cindy felt lonely at home, but only found temporary relief when she was with her women friends. The distance between the couple widened to the point that the problems between them became irreconcilable.
A marriage needs to be nurtured to prevent a problem like the marriage of Cindy and Bob. The first step is to talk with each other and disclose one’s feelings to the other. A couple would also need to talk about positive things in the relationship and share one’s desires and dreams.
It is also crucial to have full disclosure with each other to maintain the closeness with each other. And it’s important to emphasize positive communication and listen to each other’s needs and desires. Depending on friends or alcohol instead of working together as a couple only increases the emotional distance from each other.
Couple Make a New Commitment to Each Other
In conclusion, even though the marriage is in trouble it is still possible to resolve the problems in the relationship if there is a desire and a new commitment for each other. In this case the couple agreed to work on their relationship because they still love each other. Accepting therapy is the beginning of a new and positive change in the life of this couple if they make a commitment together.
Understanding the Cause of Avoidance in Marriage by Michael A. Panar
November 9, 2015
“I feel we are drifting apart from each other,” Daniel said.
Daniel was surprised to hear Cindy admit that there was a problem in their marriage. He thought everything was all right since she never complained before. He wasn’t happy in the marriage himself. He thought about it, but when he didn’t feel close to Cindy he would go to another room and read the same newspaper that he read in the morning. This is how he dealt with the underlying marital problem. He wanted to talk to Cindy, but it was easier to avoid her.
One Sunday morning, however, Daniel felt unhappy and wondered what he is doing in such an unhappy marriage. He thought it was not about Cindy. It was about the children, Stevie, 5 and Cherry, 8. He couldn’t imagine abandoning the children. But everything was becoming unbearable, including getting up in the morning and finding Cindy unresponsive to his needs.
Daniel said, “Our communication over the last couple of years have been nonexistent. We never said much together or even argue. I would make it worse by not talking to Cindy and avoiding her when I came home from work. But she didn’t seem to mind me avoiding her. She didn’t talk to me much either. We both were apart from each other even when we had dinner as a family.”
Cindy responded, “I guess I was as bad as Dan. I was unhappy but I never really told him how I felt. I felt frustrated. Dan never helped out much with our kids. I had to discipline them when they were misbehaving and he never seemed to care. He never wanted to talk to me and kept to himself. I was lonely but he never tried to comfort me, even when he knew I was depressed.”
Both Cindy and Daniel acknowledged withdrawal from each other. Neither spouse was happy in the marriage. But they couldn’t talk to each other. Daniel even withdrew from the children. He couldn’t relate to them. Cherry tried to get on his father’s lap but he just pushed her aside and said he was busy.
Cindy felt she had to give some attention to the children, because she had to provide for their basic needs. But she had problems in relating to Stevie and Cherry, unless they persisted in trying to get her attention. In the meantime, Cindy did what she had to do to provide for their needs.
Cindy felt resentful of not getting any help from Daniel. This made her very angry, but she kept her feelings inside. She couldn’t express her needs or feelings to him. But this festered even more in her mind, which caused her further stress. Daniel seemed to be unaware of Cindy’s discontent. He assumed that being a mother she could handle the problems with the children.
As these problems became more entrenched in their relationship both spouses withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy was lacking and there wasn’t any emotional support. Daniel would do some work around the house and Cindy became depressed. Neither were happy in the relationship.
Stevie and Cherry were being fed, but their emotional needs weren’t meant. Stevie became more difficult to handle. He would have more frequent tantrums, which tested the parents’ patience. Daniel became angrier and put Stevie in a lot of time-outs. He tested his dad’s patience with even louder tantrums.
In the meantime, Cindy became more depressed and wanted to be alone. Her communication with Daniel became almost non-existent. Daniel comforted’ himself with various projects around the house. The couple continued to avoid each other.
Avoidance and Anxious Attachment
Daniel’s Early Years
In this case, both Daniel and Cindy had insecure attachment from their own childhood, the avoidant type. For instance, Daniel’s father did not relate to him. His father often showed no love and he would often be too busy to relate to Daniel. When his father showed some interest he was impatient with him, and didn’t want to relate to him in a loving way. He would often lose his temper and Daniel would be afraid to say anything to him. This avoidance and anger continued through his childhood and adolescence.
Daniel’s mother didn’t show love to him. He often wanted support from his mother but he couldn’t turn to her for love or support. He had no one to turn to.
Cindy’s Early Years
Cindy needed the love and support from her mother, but she was too depressed to give her daughter any attention. Her thoughts would often ruminate in negative and sad ways. She was too busy thinking of the bad things in her own life, rather than paying attention to Cindy. Cindy needed support from her mother but it wasn’t available for her.
When Cindy tried to talk to her dad, he often lose his temper and expected her to help her mother with the household tasks. Cindy felt rejected and unloved.
Marriage and Family
Both Cindy and Daniel experienced rejection and avoidance during their childhood. Although they had different experiences they both were “anxiously attached.” This anxious attachment was then carried over into their own marriage and family. They even were avoiding each other without feeling a need for support from the other. They had no one to turn to. They needed each other’s love and support. Their anxious, avoidant behavior was entrenched and seemed the ‘normal’ type of behavior.
The Solution
The solution to this couple’s problems seemed to be difficult, if not impossible. There was no desire to solve the problems since they would have to change their stance in life and overcome their avoidant behaviors. Cindy would need to overcome her depression and change her ways of approaching Daniel. Avoiding Daniel only made matters worse. Communication became impossible. And she was not happy with her life.
Daniel had to be more loving and supportive of Cindy. He also needed to resolve his “anxious-avoidant” attachment and try to reach out to Cindy. He would need to be more family oriented and show interest in the children. He and Cindy would need to be involved with the children and enjoy this experience together.
There is a lot of work to do, but this couple can overcome some of their problems of anxious, avoidant attachment, and become more involved in their relationship–and in parenting. This is not an easy task, but it is possible to solve some of their problems of the past and to move forward into the future. There is always hope.
A Summary: A followup
In couple and individual sessions, the couple was able to work through their problems. They began to speak and listen to each other. Intimacy was enhanced. In family sessions they were involved in sessions with the children. Their intimacy and connection to each other and the children became more satisfying. The problems of avoidance and anxious attachment will not completely go away, but their relationship will continue to improve. Their love will grow more deeper and spiritually.