Parent’s Quality Time with Child is Invaluable
September 28, 2012
As a parent, you may be working away from home during the day. When you arrive home at the end of the day there is still work to be done. You may be thinking of what you have to do the next day. The time you have with a child may be minimal, compared with all of the other activities on any particular day.
It is vital, therefore, to focus on the moments that you can spend with your child. Each moment of “quality” will enhance his or her well-being. Lois, for instance, is a working mother, who spends a lot of time as a nurse in a community hospital. But she feels guilty that she doesn’t spend enough time with her four-year-old daughter, Jennifer. Lois says, regretfully, “I wish I could spend more time with Jennifer, but there isn’t lots of time left after I’m done with my housework.”
If you are like Lois, there is a feeling of “guilt” and inadequacy because you want to spend more time with your child. But it seems that it never happens. The feelings of guilt, and the desire to be with your child, make you feel you’re neglecting the child. You don’t want to continue to feel this way. It doesn’t help the child, and it is not even good for your own health and well-being. Therefore, the first step is to set a goal of spending “quality” time with your child. You can start today
Since you don’t have a lot of time, you want to do the best you can to make “quality” time: giving your child full attention in the moment, and letting the child express his or her own feelings and desires. You can begin with reading stories to the child. When you read a story, it is pivotal to get her input after you are finished. When she is about three to six, you may even want her to read the story to you in her own words, even if she can’t read all the words. Give her the chance to “read” the same story back to you. Reinforce her creative expressions.
Reading stories can be at bedtime, but it can be any time of the day that you have available. As you continue to read stories, the child will begin to love to read. This is a pleasant effect of your quality time with the child.
There are, of course, other things you can do with the child. You can play with her as time permits. There are many ways to play: make-up games, letting the child choose what she wants to play, and various games, such as Pictionary, playing with dolls, or cars. It should be fun. If the child can make choices and express herself, it can stimulate her imagination as she creates roles and characters in the play. You can guide her. But let your child “direct” the play activity.
In addition to play, you can color with your child, or use an “activity” book to do more interesting projects. There are a number of other activities that you may suggest to your child. The possibilities are endless. The important thing is that it evokes pleasure for you and your child. You will feel good about spending time with your child that has quality.
Lois discovered that she could spend more time with Jennifer—quality time. Lois felt more relaxed: “I thought I couldn’t do anything with Jennifer, but then I decided to make the time to spend with her. I started to read The Cat in the Hat and encouraged Jennifer to talk about the story.”
As a working parent, it is not easy to spend enough time with your child. There are many things you’re doing to provide the necessary resources for your family. But if you are attuned to the needs of the child and want to spend quality time with him, he will feel loved and secure.
Be Healthy and Happy in a more Holistic Way
September 23, 2012
Be Healthy and Happy
Everyone wants to be healthy, but most of us think of health only in the body–our physical self. But we need to look at being healthy in a more holistic way. It is important to improve our health not only physically, but also in mind, body, and spirit. But there is also another dimension: the social self. Being human, we also have a self that is developed in social interactions with others–beginning in the family during infancy and early childhood. To begin with, I will discuss personal growth and the social self:
Improving your Self
An important way to work on your self is to improve your ‘social self.’ You can do this by improving and enriching your relationships. It begins in the family and unfolds in relationships with others. Secure attachment in childhood is the basis of healthy relationships. But these relationships need to be nurtured and enriched throughout the aging of the individual.
In addition to improving your ‘social self’ and your relationships, you can continue to grow as an individual. There is a triangle of personal growth: enhancing the self, being proactive, and becoming resilient. ‘Growing’ as an individual will also enhance your social connections. Now I will briefly give you an overview of the four dimensions of the human being:
The Physical Self
You need to take care of your body through regular exercise and eating well. Avoiding being overweight or obese is paramount. Prevention is very important. If you can prevent physical problems it will be easier to continue to be physically healthy. This doesn’t always happen and you may have a physical condition. But you can still work at being healthy as much as you are able. Don’t give up! Continue to do the best that you can to be physically healthy.
As you improve your physical health you will feel better about yourself and have a better body image.
The Mind
It is also vital to have a healthy mind. You can do this in two ways: learning new things and coping with your feelings and emotions.
The Spirit
It is also important to meditate and become mindful. Eventually you would want to focus on a transcendent ‘reality’ that can be very comforting. Your social self can evolve into a spiritual self.
Create a Healthy Lifestyle
My book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle: Secrets of Health and Happiness, explains how you can achieve a healthy lifestyle in a more holistic way. It is crucial, therefore, to be healthy in mind, body, spirit, and the social self. When you have holistic health, you will have a healthy lifestyle in a complete sense. It will enhance the quality of your life, and bring you health and happiness. It will not only increase your longevity; you will also have a healthy and happy life. It will improve all aspects of your self, as well as your relationships with others.
Parent Needs to Ease Pressure on Child
September 17, 2012
Lucy is in seventh grade and has been failing in school. Recently she brought home a poor report card that she didn’t want to show her parents. So she kept it in her room in a drawer. Not until the school contacted the parents, did the parents discover that their daughter was doing poorly in school.
Lucy has an older brother, Jimmy, who does his school work, but is only an average student. The parents are not too concerned about him. They really don’t expect him to do well in school. “He’s doing the best he can,” said his father. Marie, the mother, doesn’t expect any more than what Jimmy is now doing.
After attending several counseling sessions, it was discovered that Lucy’s mother Marie had high expectations for herself. Even though she had a good career in the business world, she was really not satisfied with her achievements. She wanted more, but now, doesn’t feel that she will get any further than she is. Semi-consciously, she transferred her frustrations to Lucy. She expects a lot from Lucy but it never was enough. Consequently, Marie’s relationship with Lucy was non-emotional. Her love for her daughter was not expressed–but only her expectations, which was only her dissatisfaction with herself. The father, Joe, usually always acquiesced and let Marie handle any problems with Lucy. But he had a satisfying connection with Jimmy.
All the while, Lucy was reluctant to respond to her mother. She showed little interest in her mother’s expectations of her. So she didn’t make any effort in school. Her grades continued to plummet. She wasn’t doing well, but she had no desire to do better. She was an average student. But Marie couldn’t accept it. She wanted Lucy to excel, where she couldn’t. She saw herself as not accomplishing all of the things she wanted to do. She was hoping that perhaps Lucy could make up for her own shortcomings. So Marie continued to put pressure on her daughter, but Lucy just ignored her mother. It was an unhealthy pattern between mother and daughter.
After a few more months of counseling, Marie had a better understanding of herself and the need to change her relationship with Lucy. She decided not to pressure Lucy anymore. She started to find other ways to relate to her daughter. She also worked at expressing love and affection for Lucy. It was not easy to change the way she relates to her daughter, but she forced herself to be more responsive and quit pressuring her to be like her. If Marie continues to have a better relationship with her daughter, Lucy will feel free to be herself–which she will need to do when she becomes a teenager.
It is not always easy to change the way you relate to your child, but if you discern your own parenting behaviors, you may discover hidden emotions and feelings that may be at the ‘root’ of the problems. In Marie’s case it was her own deep feelings of failure and lack of accomplishment in her career. Talking and working on the problem can resolve the problem–and the child will reap the benefits.
New Challenges for a Parent in the Teenage Years
September 11, 2012
Jesssica says, “I try to spend some time with Sara but it’s not easy, now that she is a teenager. We used to do a lot things together, but now she wants to be alone or be with her friends. I try to talk to her but she doesn’t want to confide in me anymore. I feel I’m not doing a good job as a mother.”
Jessica is distraught and doesn’t feel competent as a parent. She wants to be with Sara, but Sara doesn’t show any interest in being with her. This is very disconcerting and Jessica feels she is losing her daughter.
If you are in a similar situation, or would like to have a better relationship with your teen, you musn’t give up on her. Instead, you should continue to show your child that you are as interested in her now, as you were when she was a younger child. Even though she is a teenager, she still needs your love and attention– though she may not seem to want your love. It is easy for a parent to give up and go on with his or her own interests, and gradually become more distant from the teen. But the teen actually wants your attention and love even if it’s unexpressed. At the same time, the teen is trying to find his or her identity. She just left the oasis of childhood and is now face-to-face with a new ‘world.’ So she needs to find herself during this critical time. She needs to know who she is and how she can relate to her peers–and society.
In Sara’s case, she had good relationship with her mother during early and middle childhood. This is a foundation for a good parent/teenager relationship. But the parent needs to know that the teen is at a very different level of development: She is trying to find herself in relation to peers and the family. There are different needs in adolescence compared to the early years. The parent needs to understand these different needs and relate to the child in a different way. Thus it’s vital to sit down with the teen and discern her wants and needs. Listening to the teen’s needs is crucial. Express love and give reasonable discipline when needed. Find things to do with the teen, while giving her autonomy. In contrast to the early years of childhood, there are new and different challenges during the course of adolescence.
Essentially, it’s going to take time to forge a new relationship with your teen. It will not be the same as in childhood but it can be just as rewarding for the parent and teenager. A new, healthy connection will unfold.
Facing Negative Thoughts in Depression
September 7, 2012
Margie states desperately, “I get depressed a lot and it makes it hard for me to relax. And I can’t put as much time with my four-year-old daughter. I’m taking medication for depression; it helps a little but then I get depressed again.”
Margie wants to feel better and not be depressed as much as she is. When she is with her daughter, Carrie, her mind drifts into negative thoughts. She worries about her life, her husband leaving her, and feels inadequate. Carrie tries to get her mother’s attention but Margie’s mind is somewhere else. Her negative feelings and thoughts take over her life. She thinks about how wonderful her married life was until her husband had an affair and left her. The loss of her spouse takes a toll on her mental health. She doesn’t feel like doing any work at home and “forgets’ about her daughter’s needs and wants. She sees herself as a failure: as a wife and mother. Margie constantly blames herself.
Negative thoughts can take over your life if you let it happen to you. The thoughts themselves become the new “reality” for the depressed person. So it’s important to see the thoughts as just thoughts: not real but only in your mind. To be sure, these negative thoughts have a basis in reality, from the negative experiences of the past or anxiety about the future. For Margie, it was her husband’s affair and him leaving her. She never expected this to happen. It came as a shock, because she thought she and her husband were happy.
If you are depressed like Margie, or have other types of problems that make you feel depressed, blaming yourself doesn’t help. It will only make you more depressed. Instead, take time for yourself in a quiet place and “look” at your thoughts mindfully: focusing on your thoughts and feelings with acceptance. Focus on these thoughts as they flow through your mind–and then let them slowly flow away like clouds in the sky. You can focus on one ‘cloud’ at a time as each one passes by.
In cognitive theray, you can practice changing these negative thoughts to more positive or rational ones.
The next thing you can do is to increase your social connections. Make new friends, and connect with your best friends and family. If you have a child, like Margie, connect with her and play with her. Read interesting stories to your child. Enjoy being with her. Social connections inside and outside of the family are therapeutic.
I discuss meditation, mindfulness, and depression in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle. Since depression, or even sad feelings, are pervasive in our family and society, I think it’s an important mental health issue. So it’s important to support and connect with one another.
Chronic Stress can Affect your Health
September 4, 2012
Everyone has stress now and then. Life is filled with challenges and changes, and we need to cope with them on a daily basis. For instance, there is always stress at home. Your spouse may have different needs or expectations, and you need to respond to them. If you have children, they have needs and wants that you will have to respond to every day. Your job or career will give you problems and challenges that you need to resolve. In short, every day there is normal stress that we must confront and resolve.
There is, however, chronic stress that doesn’t go away. Even when you don’t have a particular problem, just thinking about a problem brings on a stressful response. When you have a problem that can be easily solved, you may still have thoughts about it that doesn’t go away so easily. You may have worries or thoughts about the past or future but can’t do anything about them. All of these worrisome thoughts cause chronic stress.
Chronic stress causes your brain, the part in the lower part of the temporal lobe ( the hypothalamus) to stimulate the pituitary gland to produce a stress hormone (ACTH) that in turn stimulates the adrenal glands above the kidneys to make the stress hormones, cortisol and epinephrine. In chronic stress, these hormones can block arteries in the brain and cause a stroke, or block arteries going to the heart and causing a heart attack. Every one has normal stress during the course of life, but when stress becomes chronic (bad stress) it can do damage to our brain and heart. It can be fatal.
In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss how you can discover the “secrets” of health and happiness. The good news is: We can prevent chronic stress from wrecking havoc on our health.
Mother Needs time to Relax and Enjoy the Kids
September 2, 2012
Katie states, “It’s hard for me to relax because I have two preschool children who are constantly wanting attention. I wish I could relax, and even meditate, but my hectic life makes it hard.
Katie is in a dilemma. She loves her children and gives them all of the attention they need. At the same time it causes her a lot of stress. It is affecting her health and this is disturbing for her. Katie says quite anxiously, “I’ve been getting a lot of headaches lately, and my blood pressure is higher than it was in the past month.”
If you are in a situation, like Katie, you need to find time to meditate and relax. It’s not easy, of course, with two children who are very active and wanting your attention, But it’s imperative to begin to set a time to meditate. It’s best to do this when the children are in preschool, or in the evening after they’ve gone to bed. At these times, put your mind at ease away from any distractions. In this quiet time, close your eyes and focus on your breathing, inhaling and exhaling deeply and slowly. When distracting thoughts pass through your mind, let them pass by, and go away. Don’t fight it. Just let go. Return to your breathing, for about fifteen minutes. This type of meditation is a good start.
In addition to meditation, when the children are awake and want your attention, do a project with them that you and they would enjoy. For instance, it’s helpful if you can buy some story books that you and the children would relish. Read these stories to them with enthusiasm. If you do this often enough, it will be relaxing for you and the kids. Make this a regular, daily practice.
Finally, as you practice these new ways to relax, your health will improve and your life will be more enjoyable. I discuss some ways to relax and meditate in my latest book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, which you can order through my website.