Mother’s Coping with Separation and Child Rearing
July 22, 2015
Susan became depressed after her husband told her the truth of his infidelity, and decided to live with the other woman. She says, wiping the tears from her eyes, “Jack had an affair for two years and then decided to leave our two children, ages two and four. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve been depressed when he told me that he’s been having an affair for two years. How can he do this to me and the kids!” She couldn’t talk anymore as the tears began to flow from her eyes, without stopping.
She was looking for support and comfort from me as I handed her a tissue to wipe her tears away. But she still couldn’t stop crying. I reflected her feelings in my own words, as well as giving her emotional support. She felt some comfort and left the session to pick her children at the bus stop.
I continued to see Susan as often as possible in the beginning. She needed to continue to meet the children’s needs and help them through this difficult time. Susan still needed to work through her feelings and cope with the separation. Susan also had to get through her depression, which was affecting her ability to take care of her children.
The Nature of the Depression
There are many causes of depression: Sometimes it occurs from problems in early childhood when the depressed person was abused, even sexually, as a child. There may have been conflict, fighting and arguments in the childhood home. Parents may not have been loving and accepting of the young child. Secure attachment would not have been cultivated in the young child, which continued into adolescence. In other cases, depression can be a problem in the brain of the depressed person, with a deficiency of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. However, this chemistry in the brain can even happen in response to the social environment.
Susan’s Depression
Susan’s depression was not caused by childhood trauma. She had marital problems for some time up to the time when Jack decided to leave her. She was already depressed during the two years of his infidelity. Jack was never there for her and seldom helped with the children.
Susan wasn’t happy that her husband wasn’t available for her or the children. She couldn’t express her feelings of discontent out-of-fear that Jack would react in anger. But she needed to express her feelings. Keeping it inside made her more depressed. Her depressed thoughts and feelings activated her emotional brain, which stimulated the pituitary gland to permit her adrenal gland to release the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline (or epinephrine and norepinephrine). Depression also lowers the level of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. The problem for Susan was the stress caused by her depression, which was chronic and exacerbating her symptoms.
Type of Depression
The type of depression that Susan has is not yet clinical depression, unless it worsens and fits the criteria of the DSM-5 (Diagnosis and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder). For instance, at least five symptoms are required according to the DSM-5. These symptoms include: low mood, loss of interest, fatigue, sleeplessness, low self-esteem, loss of appetite and agitation. Susan did experience problems with sleep, low self-esteem, and low mood. These symptoms were a direct reaction to Jack’s affair, and him leaving her.
Susan’s Therapy Experience
One day Susan was thinking about the problem and she decided to come in to see me. I was delighted to meet Susan. She really had a scintillating personality. We shook hands and she expressed gratitude that she wanted to cope with the problem better than she had. After we greeted each other she sat down and talked about all of the problems she had with Jack. Then she talked about her children, Carrie, 2 and Todd, 4. Susan said, “Carrie and Todd were always well behaved but it got worse after I learned about Jack’s affair. I lost interest in them and usually didn’t respond to their needs. Their behavior got worse and I couldn’t handle them anymore. And I got even more depressed. Jack completely ignored me until he left. I was devastated.”
Susan’s greater awareness
As Susan continued to express her thoughts she became more aware of her feelings. She got in touch with her inner self and her resistance to change. She wanted things the way they were. Change was not an option. She hoped that Jack’s affair would never had happened. Her feelings of being a mother were no longer there.
Susan began to work on her thoughts and feelings. She wrote down her thoughts and feelings through the week. She began to become more aware of how her thoughts controlled her feelings and behavior. These were discussed in session in more depth.
She began to feel more like a loving mother and was pleased with her more positive approach to parenting. Susan agreed to bring her children into several sessions. Some of these sessions involved Play Therapy and Susan became more aware of Carrie and Todd’s feelings through their words and actions in play. She gained more insights into the children’s minds through play. This was a positive change for Susan and her children.
As Susan became more aware of the problem, and became more confident as a parent, she was ready to turn the chapter in her life.
A child’s need for love and security
October 17, 2014
The child needs to trust a parent or a primary caretaker from birth to about one-years-old. But it’s not met unless the parent is consistent in loving and taking taking care of the child’s needs. This love the parent gives to the infant needs to be an unconditional love. Essentially the need for secure attachment begins in infancy.
As the parent provides for the physical needs of the child (breast feeding and providing for other needs) the parent provides love in various ways: loving gestures, touch, smiles, and singing to the child.
Touch is a basic way of providing love in tangible ways. Embracing the infant, and gently touching her (him) is a salient expression of love:
When the infant experiences these loving expressions, she begins to feel free to explore the world around her. When she feels the need to have loving contact she readily comes back to the parent. Receiving love becomes a part of the child’s self and feelings of acceptance.
Developing basic trust is only the beginning of a child’s inner security. Social psychologist, Erik Erickson, set this first development from birth to about two years of age. But the individual, through adulthood, struggles with this basic need. Therefore the benefits of trust and the need for it continues through the development of the individual. As the individual feels that he or she can trust, there is the mastery of hope. Hope is a positive feeling that helps the individual to continue to explore and then to come back to a loving relationship.
Trust when School Begins
As the child reaches other developmental milestones, she still needs to know that she is loved. During the preschool years, she needs the assurance that the parent will never falter in the rendering of trust.
When the child begins school, she needs the reassurance of a loving, accepting parent even more. The child meets other children and needs to be able to communicate with peers. The trust that she feels will carry over into her peer relationships and she will be able to take risks and accept friendship from others. Her inner confidence will be apparent and she will be able to be friendly and open to new friendships. She will be sociable and be willing to explore new friendships. She will feel confident in herself and in other’s.
The school-age child needs to be able to trust in all of the areas of his or her life. This includes being able to be aware of the parents continuing, unconditional love. She will be confident that she can always return to her parents for love and support. Even during difficult times she will be able to trust the parents–that they will always be there for her. These positive feelings will give the child trust and hope.
Trust in Adolescence
The need to trust is carried over into adolescence, when the teen needs to further explore the ‘outside’ world. Peer groups become even more important for the teen. The need to be accepted by others is paramount and close friendships help to build self-esteem. It is important at this time to bond with at least one or two close friends. Feeling accepted by others is salient at this time. Acceptance will enhance the teen’s self-image and self-worth. Basic trust needs to be crystalized before the teen can form a more ‘solid’ identity.
The teen still needs the love and support from his or her parents. Secure attachment must continue through adolescence. Parents are still important. The teen will always feel confident that the parents will always be there when needed–and at the same time being comfortable in going back to his or her friends and other peers. There is a ‘back-and-forth’ movement from home to peers, and peers to home. As long as the teen has this basic trust there will be optimal development. The teen will feel a sense of hope and confidence, and will more easily find a healthy identity.
Entering Young Adulthood
Beginning around eighteen-years-old the teenager is ready to enter into a new stage of life: adulthood. It may begin with college or entering the job market. Young adulthood is in the twenties and thirties, until the middle years of the forties and fifties. But each person may perceive the stage of their life in different way.
If all goes well, and the individual achieved a sense of trust and hope, he or she will be ready for the daunting tasks of adulthood: Establishing a family, which may include children coming into the home; getting a good job; financial security; and having a successful marriage and family relationship.
TRUST IN ADULTHOOD
Jane and Allen had a beautiful wedding and now were planning their life together, but the couple couldn’t trust each other. Their relationship began with love and passion, and they were happy during the first year of their marriage. However, beginning in the second year of their marriage they became distant from each other. The romance and passion seemed to be gone. They didn’t have those romantic feelings anymore. Jane was pregnant with their first child, but Allen wasn’t excited about it. Jane seemed to distance herself from him and there was an unpleasant silence in the home.
Jane and Allen didn’t argue with each other, but the “trust’ that they did have for each other wasn’t there. In other cases the lack of trust expresses anger, bitterness and jealousy. Distrust can express itself in various ways. In these situations there is a lot of anger, jealousy, and even violence.
In still other cases the individual may have problems in trusting another. The person may have difficulty in forming friendships. He or she may feel insecure and not confident in pursuing goals, assertiveness, and getting into intimate relationships.
In essence, the adult needs to continue to have healthy relationships through adulthood. The basic trust that was formed in the earlier years of life needs to be reinforce through adulthood and older age. It doesn’t stop in infancy, childhood or adolescence. Trust needs to be nurtured through a lifetime.
Secure and loving attachment for the child can occur when parents become attuned to the needs of the child. There is a “dance of attunement” when the parent is completely in sync with the child, and they become as one. The parent is connected with the child in such a way that the child feels the parent really understands him or her.
In addition to the parent’s relationship with the child, the relationship of the parents expresses love for each other. Their communication is clear and affectionate. There are more positive and loving exchanges between the parents. There is an overt and covert expression of love for each other and for the child. The atmosphere in the home is loving and accepting–an ‘echo’ that radiates through the ‘threads’ of the family relationship.
I will begin with a case example of Melinda’s family:
Case Example: Melinda
Melinda states, “I want to have the best for my children but my husband but we are always arguing, and I think it’s bad for the kids. Tim thinks I’m spoiling the kids, but I’m the only parent who’s there for them. He always want to see his friends, instead of being home with me and the kids. I tell him how I feel but he’s always defensive, and we get into a bigger argument.” Melinda couldn’t talk any longer as tears poured unrelentingly down her cheeks.
In the family situation, Melinda says that her son,Todd, age 8, is misbehaving in school, and there are many complaints from his teachers. Todd doesn’t pay attention to them as he shows little interest in school. And he constantly teases another classmate beside him. Her daughter, Sara, often doesn’t want to go to school. She pretends she is sick but there is no clear, physical problem. Problems with the children are escalated as Melinda and her husband continue to argue about the children.
If these toxic relationships continue in Melinda’s family there will be a further psychological gap between the parents and the children. The problems will continue, and the mental, physical and spiritual health of the family will be in jeopardy.
Nurturing Secure and Loving Attachment for The Child
In this section I will discuss ways to resolve problems of attachment and preventing inadequate attachment from occurring in the first place:
Parents Need to Work Together
When two parents are in the home they need to coordinate together their approach for the children. In Melinda’s case she needs to talk to her husband about the problems and to ask him for his support. Tim was willing to work with Melinda, and they began to talk with each other about their concerns. They agreed to contact the school together, and approach their children with loving concern; they also were willing to come in for family therapy. They learned to work together and approach their children with loving concern rather than using a more punitive approach.
A single parent may have more difficulty in resolving these problems, perhaps because of the lack of support. Or having the complete burden of parenting on yourself. However, restoring a more supportive and loving connection with the child will help him or her to feel safe and secure. You may also have the support of grandparents, or a partner who is living with you. The important thing is to approach the problem in a loving and supportive way. And more importantly, restore a loving and caring relationship with the child that has been lacking for some time.
Secure Attachment begins in Early Childhood.
It is best to begin cultivating secure attachment in the child from early childhood through adolescence. It is never too late, however, to restore some degree of attachment in later childhood. But it is even better to begin from early childhood through adolescence. The child will feel secure and loved from the beginning– and it can evolve to a more emotionally healthy development later in his or her life.
Communication with the Child
Clear communication with the young child is crucial during early development. It begins with sending clear, loving messages to your child. Make sure the child receives the message of ‘love.’ You can easily do this by listening to your child’s needs and feelings, and discern whether the child feels your love. Being attuned to your child’s needs and feelings will help you to receive positive feedback. In addition, a good way of communicating is reading stories with your child. It will not only enhance reading skills, but it will enrich the child’s connection with the parents. As the child is able to read on his own, he can read the stories back to you, rather than you reading all the words.
Providing Discipline
Parents can’t escape the reality that there will be times when the child will need to be disciplined. But what is the best way to discipline. Often parents become angry or upset with the child when he or she misbehaves. Parents may become angry or even ignore the child. Of course this is not the best way to discipline the child, and will often make things worse.
So what is the best way to discipline the child. Studies have shown that combining discipline with love is the best way: “Authoritative” parenting. This type of discipline is not harsh or punitive. The parent teaches the child to listen, through providing rewards (tokens) or withdrawal of things the child has or wants. No matter what type of discipline you give, the child still ‘knows’ your love.
Playing with Your Child
Playing with your child is also important: Let your child ‘direct’ the play session using her imagination as she (or he) plays with stuffed animals, trains, cars, or dolls in the play session. As the child plays, let her be in ‘charge’ of the play while you reflect back what she is doing in the session. As the child becomes older she or he will have different ways of playing based on development. The important thing is to reflect and let the child use his or her imagination as you continue to be supportive–and play as the child ‘directs.’
Sending Messages of ‘love’
It is also important to communicate clearly to your child the love and confidence you have in him or her. Always make sure you are sending clear, loving messages verbally or in action. The child can sense your feelings and moods. It can be negative or positive. But if you send clear messages of your acceptance and love, in attunement with the child needs, it will be easier for him or her to feel loved and secure.
Loving Attachment through the Years
As I discuss in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, loving attachment needs to be consistent over the days, weeks and years. It is not enough to do it at one point in the child’s development and then change your pattern of interaction. You would need to focus your attention on what you are doing–being consistent and building an even better relationship with the child. Secure, loving attachment needs to continue, without interruption, from early childhood to late adolescence. The child will then feel loved and accepted during the course of childhood, adolescence, and eventually into young adulthood. The child’s future will be promising. Loving and secure attachment will be her legacy.
Jane says, “I always believed a parent should spank a child for misbehaving, but I don’t think it’s right. My husband, Jim, says I shouldn’t spank Todd, who will turn eleven in October. We always argue about this, and it’s causing me stress.”
Discuss Discipline with the Other Parent
Frequently, parents will disagree on the type of discipline that is appropriate for a child. Therefore it’s important that you and your partner talk about this even before a child is born. Listen to each other and understand how the other partner feels about it. Then both of you should look up the current research on the appropriate discipline. On another day, you and the other parent should talk and listen to each other again. Hopefully you will come to a mutually agreed decision through listening and exploring the current recommendations from your research.
The first step is to be willing to talk about this issue together, although you may disagree. Talking and listening, while looking at the current evidence, is a healthy way of relating with each other. It prevents quarrels that often get out-of-control. And hopefully it will lead to a mutually satisfying agreement. Of course, the final decision depends on the flexibility of the parents, and the willingness to change one’s point-of-view based on the evidence.
The Parents’ Own Background
Difficulties, however, can arise if one parent was abused as a child or witnessed a lot of arguments between his or her parents, especially during early and middle childhood. This traumatic experience can have a devastating effect that can linger way into adulthood. So it’s important to explore one’s own childhood experiences, and how it now affects your parenting role. In some of these situations, you may need to attend counseling sessions to resolve these unresolved problems from your childhood.
Appropriate Discipline
Now let’s explore some of the appropriate ways of disciplining your child: The first step is to be aware of the child’s developmental age, — not the child’s calendar age. To do this you would need to know and understand your child, such as: his or her abilities, understanding and intelligence, . Counseling sessions may help you understand your child’s development.
That being said, I will discuss some of the best ways to discipline the child. I go in more detail in my book, Create A Healthy Lifestyle, on relationships and the social self. But in this article, I will outline a few thoughts:
First, it’s important to perceive your child’s good qualities. When you can fully accept and love your child you will be open to more constructive ways of disciplining. You will also be more flexible with your discipline and be attuned to the child’s development. You will be able to discuss with the other parent your feelings on how you want to discipline the child. These are all positive attributes that will help you in being a more effective parent.
When you can see your child’s good qualities it is easier to express your love for the child. The child will receive the message that you love her. It will help the child to feel good, and behave well. It will reinforce your good feelings about your child. It is a positive and loving spiral. Finally, the best discipline combines love with ‘withdrawal of reward’; there are not harsh punishments, spanking, or criticism of the child. Instead, constructive discipline withdraws reward (or some of the things a child wants) for misbehavior, while at the same time expressing your love and concern for the child. The essence is: The child understands the reason for being punished while being aware of your unconditional love.
Conclusion
If you understand your child’s development, and send messages of unconditional love, you are more likely to be successful in disciplining your child. But first you need to understand your own inclinations of punishing or disciplining– and to be able to have a mutual consensus with the other parent. Both of you need to be on the same ‘page.’ Your child will reap the benefits– and feel safe and loved. Discipline will be appropriate and effective. You will have a healthy parent and child relationship.
Being a Loving and Effective Parent by Michael A. Panar
March 13, 2013
One couple says, We’re going to have our first child and we would like to be very good parents. How can we help our child? We hear so much about problems that kids have, and we don’t want to have kids with those kind of problems.
If you are like this couple, you’re well on your way of becoming good parents. The commitment to be a parent is the first step towards being effective parents. It’s also a good sign when you are both talking about it. Many parents come together, have a child, and just hope that everything will fall into place. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that. Good parenting doesn’t come naturally.
The Model of Discipline and Love
The first step is to use an effective parenting model. You would want a model that provides discipline and love. Both of these components must always go together. Love without discipline doesn’t work, except when the child is behaving well; but discipline without love always fails. So you want to combine discipline with love, and communicate it clearly to the child. Sometimes you may want to express love, exclusively, without discipline. These are the times when everything is going well, the child is behaving, and you want to express loving messages to the child. You can express love with or without words during these times.
At other times the child may be misbehaving. Of course you will have to be aware of the child’s age, and what is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ behavior for the child’s age and development. During the times when the child is not behaving well, you need to combine discipline and love: Give the appropriate discipline while also letting your child know that he/she is still loved. However, you have to make sure the child received the ‘message’ of love along with the discipline. Don’t assume the child received this message. Note how the child responds to the discipline and make sure she/he got the message.
Use Appropriate Discipline
Always use appropriate discipline. Although many parents spank their child, this is not recommended because it only has short-term effects. In the long-run it’s very ineffective. It can also ‘teach’ a child to be violent. This is a side-effect you would want to avoid. So use techniques such as: rewarding a child for good behavior or withdrawing things the child really wants, when misbehaving.
Effects in Later Development
The effects of childhood on later development are discussed in my book, Create a Healthy lifestyle: “Secrets” of Health and Happiness. How your parents disciplined you during your own childhood still has an effect on you throughout life. But you may not always be aware of how it affected you. When you are aware of this impact on your own childhood, it will help you to be a loving and effective parent to your own child.
Jessica and Tim are having problems with their two teenage children, Mark and Lisa. Mark has been seeing his friends, and his parents don’t know where he is most of the time. And Lisa has been defiant, refusing to do her homework. Her grades have plummeted. The problems with Mark and Lisa have caused Jessica and Tim to argue a lot about the kids. The teenagers’ problems set the stage for increasing conflict between the parents– and the parents and the children. There is a cascade of conflict spiraling out-of-control in the family.
These problems have caused Tim to drink more and come home in a drunken state-of-mind. He often is angry and occasionally hits Jessica when he has some alcohol. He blames Jessica for the problems with the children. He thinks she should do more with them, and do something about their misbehavior. He is often angry and resentful towards Jessica, and it’s expressed in his drinking and anger towards his wife.
Jessica also has resentments towards Tim. She feels that Tim should take more responsibility as a parent. She sees him as deficient and incompetent as a father. Her blame and anger towards him is escalating, and becoming toxic to the relationship.
This reciprocal resentment towards each other adds further ‘reason’ to blame each other for the problems of Mark and Lisa. And each parent continues to feel that the other parent does a poor job, and should do something about the problems with their teenagers. There is an unending conflict over the children, which prevents them from doing something about the teens’ problems–and their own marital issues.
Typical Interaction Between Jessica and Tim
Jessica angrily lashed back at Tim. Jessica angrily says to Tim, “You know Mark stays out all night with his friends. When I tell him to be home early, he stays out even longer. And you don’t do anything about it, Tim!”
Frustrated, Jessica walks hastily out of the kitchen to her separate bedroom, and continues to scream relentlessly to herself.
Mark acts like he doesn’t care and takes another drink. He says in a disgruntled whisper, “She’s the reason the kids are like that.” He fell asleep on the living room couch.
Nothing is resolved. The argument in this situation focused on Mark’s problem, and the couple blaming each other for their son’s misbehavior. On other days the argument is about Lisa’s bad grades and her not caring about school or anything else.
The arguments between Tim and Jessica are “symmetrical”; that is to say, each blames the other and the quarrels become more intense until someone leaves the room, as Jessica did. But the ‘toxic’ relationship only gets worse and both parents are stressed-out to the level of distress. Nothing is resolved between the parents as they focus only on the children’s problems.
If this unhealthy problem continues, Mark will become even more defiant and cling to his friends. He will be more aloof from his family and is prone to be susceptible to unhealthy peer influences. Lisa will continue to do poorly in school and is vulnerable to depression or other mental disorders.
The parents’ unhealthy approach will not solve Mark’s or Lisa’s problems, and their own relationship is problematic.
A Search for the Underlying Problems
There is good news: Tim and Jessica can forge a new relationship that is symmetrical, but healthy. Instead of blaming each other for the children’s problems, they can re-focus on their own relationship. Mark can stop ‘stone-walling’ through alcohol abuse, and fighting with Jessica over the kid’s problems. Jessica can stop blaming Mark for the the children’s behavior, and begin to clearly express her own needs in the marriage. Both Tim and Jessica need to re-focus on the other’s needs, and communicate in a more clear and direct way with each other. As they improve their relationship, it will be easier for them to work together to resolve the problems confronting their children.
It was difficult for this couple to ‘switch gears’ and work on their own relationship. But the couple decided to work through their own issues, and try to separate the problems of the children from their own difficulties. As Tim and Jessica saw improvements in their communication, they were able to share feelings and ideas for working with Mark and Lisa.
Essentially, parents need to have a healthy relationship with each other. This will help you to be a positive role model for the children; you will be able to communicate with your children about the problems that they are experiencing at this time in their development. If this doesn’t happen the children’s problems are intensified, while the parents’ marital issues go unresolved.
There is hope at the ‘end of the rainbow’: Improving your own relationship will help you to be more loving and caring parents. You will no longer need to project your own issues onto the children. You will have a healthy family expressing healthy relationships.
The Child Needs Love and Discipline to Feel Safe and Secure
October 22, 2012
Mary Ann states, “I’m planning to be a parent, and I heard a lot about what a good parent should be. Some people think a parent should be a strong disciplinarian. Others say you should give love and not emphasize the discipline. The different ideas of parenting are confusing to me.”
Both positions are correct if they are together. Competent parenting includes love and discipline. Family research has shown that “authoritative” parenting is the most effective approach. It involves discipline and love that complement each other.
When you discipline your child, you need to be consistent and firm–but not harsh. You should be able to explain to the child the type of discipline you are giving, and the reason for it. It should be explained and talked about, but not yelled about.
In addition, physical punishment really is not as effective as taking away some of the things the child wants—or saying “no” to an activity the child desires. Physical punishment may even cause a backlash: The child learns that violence is appropriate. So it is important to use other forms of discipline: such as withholding something the child wants, or using a more positive approach of providing appropriate rewards for good behavior.
Along with consistent and reasonable discipline, the child needs nurturing. The child needs to know that you love and accept her. The love needs to be expressed directly to the child. An example is Teddy’s father, Joe, who is a very strict disciplinarian. Joe says, “I was brought up in a strict home. My father was in control of the house and everyone had to listen to him. If I violated his rules he would be angry and hit me. He wasn’t abusive. He just wanted me to listen.”
Joe carried out this same discipline in his own family. “I’m not going to let Teddy get away with anything. He’s thirteen and starting to ‘act out.’ I’m not going to put up with that!”
Teddy’s behavior hasn’t changed, but in front of his father he seems well-behaved. When his father is not home he hits his younger brother and yells at his mother. He is also starting to misbehave in school. His school grades have plummeted and the teachers are starting to lose patience. But fear of his father has increased. When he is with his father he seems docile.
In this situation Joe believes in harsh punishment. He will resort to physical punishment when necessary. But Teddy listens to his father when he is present, but in his absence he reacts angrily. Teddy’s fear of his father is effective in controlling his behavior, as long as Joe is present.
In this example, Joe is an “authoritarian” parent, a parent who believes and enacts harsh punishments. This type of parent can’t express loving feelings to the child. The child is surrounded by rules. The parent may love the child but it’s not expressed. And the child is in constant fear. The child may suppress his “bad” behavior in front of the parent, but in other surroundings he will unleash his anger towards other
Therefore the best approach is to provide love and nurturing from the time the child is an infant through adolescence; this will cultivate a secure attachment for the child. Her self-esteem and self-confidence would be enhanced.
Essentially, providing love and discipline (authoritative parenting) is a healthy parenting stance. Love and discipline are clearly expressed to your child. Positive discipline– or providing suitable rewards for good behavior–is a crucial ingredient. You will help your child feel safe and secure–providing secure attachment. The child will reap the benefits, even into adulthood.
Parent’s Quality Time with Child is Invaluable
September 28, 2012
As a parent, you may be working away from home during the day. When you arrive home at the end of the day there is still work to be done. You may be thinking of what you have to do the next day. The time you have with a child may be minimal, compared with all of the other activities on any particular day.
It is vital, therefore, to focus on the moments that you can spend with your child. Each moment of “quality” will enhance his or her well-being. Lois, for instance, is a working mother, who spends a lot of time as a nurse in a community hospital. But she feels guilty that she doesn’t spend enough time with her four-year-old daughter, Jennifer. Lois says, regretfully, “I wish I could spend more time with Jennifer, but there isn’t lots of time left after I’m done with my housework.”
If you are like Lois, there is a feeling of “guilt” and inadequacy because you want to spend more time with your child. But it seems that it never happens. The feelings of guilt, and the desire to be with your child, make you feel you’re neglecting the child. You don’t want to continue to feel this way. It doesn’t help the child, and it is not even good for your own health and well-being. Therefore, the first step is to set a goal of spending “quality” time with your child. You can start today
Since you don’t have a lot of time, you want to do the best you can to make “quality” time: giving your child full attention in the moment, and letting the child express his or her own feelings and desires. You can begin with reading stories to the child. When you read a story, it is pivotal to get her input after you are finished. When she is about three to six, you may even want her to read the story to you in her own words, even if she can’t read all the words. Give her the chance to “read” the same story back to you. Reinforce her creative expressions.
Reading stories can be at bedtime, but it can be any time of the day that you have available. As you continue to read stories, the child will begin to love to read. This is a pleasant effect of your quality time with the child.
There are, of course, other things you can do with the child. You can play with her as time permits. There are many ways to play: make-up games, letting the child choose what she wants to play, and various games, such as Pictionary, playing with dolls, or cars. It should be fun. If the child can make choices and express herself, it can stimulate her imagination as she creates roles and characters in the play. You can guide her. But let your child “direct” the play activity.
In addition to play, you can color with your child, or use an “activity” book to do more interesting projects. There are a number of other activities that you may suggest to your child. The possibilities are endless. The important thing is that it evokes pleasure for you and your child. You will feel good about spending time with your child that has quality.
Lois discovered that she could spend more time with Jennifer—quality time. Lois felt more relaxed: “I thought I couldn’t do anything with Jennifer, but then I decided to make the time to spend with her. I started to read The Cat in the Hat and encouraged Jennifer to talk about the story.”
As a working parent, it is not easy to spend enough time with your child. There are many things you’re doing to provide the necessary resources for your family. But if you are attuned to the needs of the child and want to spend quality time with him, he will feel loved and secure.
Parent Needs to Ease Pressure on Child
September 17, 2012
Lucy is in seventh grade and has been failing in school. Recently she brought home a poor report card that she didn’t want to show her parents. So she kept it in her room in a drawer. Not until the school contacted the parents, did the parents discover that their daughter was doing poorly in school.
Lucy has an older brother, Jimmy, who does his school work, but is only an average student. The parents are not too concerned about him. They really don’t expect him to do well in school. “He’s doing the best he can,” said his father. Marie, the mother, doesn’t expect any more than what Jimmy is now doing.
After attending several counseling sessions, it was discovered that Lucy’s mother Marie had high expectations for herself. Even though she had a good career in the business world, she was really not satisfied with her achievements. She wanted more, but now, doesn’t feel that she will get any further than she is. Semi-consciously, she transferred her frustrations to Lucy. She expects a lot from Lucy but it never was enough. Consequently, Marie’s relationship with Lucy was non-emotional. Her love for her daughter was not expressed–but only her expectations, which was only her dissatisfaction with herself. The father, Joe, usually always acquiesced and let Marie handle any problems with Lucy. But he had a satisfying connection with Jimmy.
All the while, Lucy was reluctant to respond to her mother. She showed little interest in her mother’s expectations of her. So she didn’t make any effort in school. Her grades continued to plummet. She wasn’t doing well, but she had no desire to do better. She was an average student. But Marie couldn’t accept it. She wanted Lucy to excel, where she couldn’t. She saw herself as not accomplishing all of the things she wanted to do. She was hoping that perhaps Lucy could make up for her own shortcomings. So Marie continued to put pressure on her daughter, but Lucy just ignored her mother. It was an unhealthy pattern between mother and daughter.
After a few more months of counseling, Marie had a better understanding of herself and the need to change her relationship with Lucy. She decided not to pressure Lucy anymore. She started to find other ways to relate to her daughter. She also worked at expressing love and affection for Lucy. It was not easy to change the way she relates to her daughter, but she forced herself to be more responsive and quit pressuring her to be like her. If Marie continues to have a better relationship with her daughter, Lucy will feel free to be herself–which she will need to do when she becomes a teenager.
It is not always easy to change the way you relate to your child, but if you discern your own parenting behaviors, you may discover hidden emotions and feelings that may be at the ‘root’ of the problems. In Marie’s case it was her own deep feelings of failure and lack of accomplishment in her career. Talking and working on the problem can resolve the problem–and the child will reap the benefits.