Secure and loving attachment for the child can occur when parents become attuned to the needs of the child. There is a “dance of attunement” when the parent is completely in sync with the child, and they become as one. The parent is connected with the child in such a way that the child feels the parent really understands him or her.
In addition to the parent’s relationship with the child, the relationship of the parents expresses love for each other. Their communication is clear and affectionate. There are more positive and loving exchanges between the parents. There is an overt and covert expression of love for each other and for the child. The atmosphere in the home is loving and accepting–an ‘echo’ that radiates through the ‘threads’ of the family relationship.
I will begin with a case example of Melinda’s family:
Case Example: Melinda
Melinda states, “I want to have the best for my children but my husband but we are always arguing, and I think it’s bad for the kids. Tim thinks I’m spoiling the kids, but I’m the only parent who’s there for them. He always want to see his friends, instead of being home with me and the kids. I tell him how I feel but he’s always defensive, and we get into a bigger argument.” Melinda couldn’t talk any longer as tears poured unrelentingly down her cheeks.
In the family situation, Melinda says that her son,Todd, age 8, is misbehaving in school, and there are many complaints from his teachers. Todd doesn’t pay attention to them as he shows little interest in school. And he constantly teases another classmate beside him. Her daughter, Sara, often doesn’t want to go to school. She pretends she is sick but there is no clear, physical problem. Problems with the children are escalated as Melinda and her husband continue to argue about the children.
If these toxic relationships continue in Melinda’s family there will be a further psychological gap between the parents and the children. The problems will continue, and the mental, physical and spiritual health of the family will be in jeopardy.
Nurturing Secure and Loving Attachment for The Child
In this section I will discuss ways to resolve problems of attachment and preventing inadequate attachment from occurring in the first place:
Parents Need to Work Together
When two parents are in the home they need to coordinate together their approach for the children. In Melinda’s case she needs to talk to her husband about the problems and to ask him for his support. Tim was willing to work with Melinda, and they began to talk with each other about their concerns. They agreed to contact the school together, and approach their children with loving concern; they also were willing to come in for family therapy. They learned to work together and approach their children with loving concern rather than using a more punitive approach.
A single parent may have more difficulty in resolving these problems, perhaps because of the lack of support. Or having the complete burden of parenting on yourself. However, restoring a more supportive and loving connection with the child will help him or her to feel safe and secure. You may also have the support of grandparents, or a partner who is living with you. The important thing is to approach the problem in a loving and supportive way. And more importantly, restore a loving and caring relationship with the child that has been lacking for some time.
Secure Attachment begins in Early Childhood.
It is best to begin cultivating secure attachment in the child from early childhood through adolescence. It is never too late, however, to restore some degree of attachment in later childhood. But it is even better to begin from early childhood through adolescence. The child will feel secure and loved from the beginning– and it can evolve to a more emotionally healthy development later in his or her life.
Communication with the Child
Clear communication with the young child is crucial during early development. It begins with sending clear, loving messages to your child. Make sure the child receives the message of ‘love.’ You can easily do this by listening to your child’s needs and feelings, and discern whether the child feels your love. Being attuned to your child’s needs and feelings will help you to receive positive feedback. In addition, a good way of communicating is reading stories with your child. It will not only enhance reading skills, but it will enrich the child’s connection with the parents. As the child is able to read on his own, he can read the stories back to you, rather than you reading all the words.
Providing Discipline
Parents can’t escape the reality that there will be times when the child will need to be disciplined. But what is the best way to discipline. Often parents become angry or upset with the child when he or she misbehaves. Parents may become angry or even ignore the child. Of course this is not the best way to discipline the child, and will often make things worse.
So what is the best way to discipline the child. Studies have shown that combining discipline with love is the best way: “Authoritative” parenting. This type of discipline is not harsh or punitive. The parent teaches the child to listen, through providing rewards (tokens) or withdrawal of things the child has or wants. No matter what type of discipline you give, the child still ‘knows’ your love.
Playing with Your Child
Playing with your child is also important: Let your child ‘direct’ the play session using her imagination as she (or he) plays with stuffed animals, trains, cars, or dolls in the play session. As the child plays, let her be in ‘charge’ of the play while you reflect back what she is doing in the session. As the child becomes older she or he will have different ways of playing based on development. The important thing is to reflect and let the child use his or her imagination as you continue to be supportive–and play as the child ‘directs.’
Sending Messages of ‘love’
It is also important to communicate clearly to your child the love and confidence you have in him or her. Always make sure you are sending clear, loving messages verbally or in action. The child can sense your feelings and moods. It can be negative or positive. But if you send clear messages of your acceptance and love, in attunement with the child needs, it will be easier for him or her to feel loved and secure.
Loving Attachment through the Years
As I discuss in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, loving attachment needs to be consistent over the days, weeks and years. It is not enough to do it at one point in the child’s development and then change your pattern of interaction. You would need to focus your attention on what you are doing–being consistent and building an even better relationship with the child. Secure, loving attachment needs to continue, without interruption, from early childhood to late adolescence. The child will then feel loved and accepted during the course of childhood, adolescence, and eventually into young adulthood. The child’s future will be promising. Loving and secure attachment will be her legacy.