Mother’s Coping with Separation and Child Rearing
July 22, 2015
Susan became depressed after her husband told her the truth of his infidelity, and decided to live with the other woman. She says, wiping the tears from her eyes, “Jack had an affair for two years and then decided to leave our two children, ages two and four. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve been depressed when he told me that he’s been having an affair for two years. How can he do this to me and the kids!” She couldn’t talk anymore as the tears began to flow from her eyes, without stopping.
She was looking for support and comfort from me as I handed her a tissue to wipe her tears away. But she still couldn’t stop crying. I reflected her feelings in my own words, as well as giving her emotional support. She felt some comfort and left the session to pick her children at the bus stop.
I continued to see Susan as often as possible in the beginning. She needed to continue to meet the children’s needs and help them through this difficult time. Susan still needed to work through her feelings and cope with the separation. Susan also had to get through her depression, which was affecting her ability to take care of her children.
The Nature of the Depression
There are many causes of depression: Sometimes it occurs from problems in early childhood when the depressed person was abused, even sexually, as a child. There may have been conflict, fighting and arguments in the childhood home. Parents may not have been loving and accepting of the young child. Secure attachment would not have been cultivated in the young child, which continued into adolescence. In other cases, depression can be a problem in the brain of the depressed person, with a deficiency of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. However, this chemistry in the brain can even happen in response to the social environment.
Susan’s Depression
Susan’s depression was not caused by childhood trauma. She had marital problems for some time up to the time when Jack decided to leave her. She was already depressed during the two years of his infidelity. Jack was never there for her and seldom helped with the children.
Susan wasn’t happy that her husband wasn’t available for her or the children. She couldn’t express her feelings of discontent out-of-fear that Jack would react in anger. But she needed to express her feelings. Keeping it inside made her more depressed. Her depressed thoughts and feelings activated her emotional brain, which stimulated the pituitary gland to permit her adrenal gland to release the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline (or epinephrine and norepinephrine). Depression also lowers the level of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. The problem for Susan was the stress caused by her depression, which was chronic and exacerbating her symptoms.
Type of Depression
The type of depression that Susan has is not yet clinical depression, unless it worsens and fits the criteria of the DSM-5 (Diagnosis and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder). For instance, at least five symptoms are required according to the DSM-5. These symptoms include: low mood, loss of interest, fatigue, sleeplessness, low self-esteem, loss of appetite and agitation. Susan did experience problems with sleep, low self-esteem, and low mood. These symptoms were a direct reaction to Jack’s affair, and him leaving her.
Susan’s Therapy Experience
One day Susan was thinking about the problem and she decided to come in to see me. I was delighted to meet Susan. She really had a scintillating personality. We shook hands and she expressed gratitude that she wanted to cope with the problem better than she had. After we greeted each other she sat down and talked about all of the problems she had with Jack. Then she talked about her children, Carrie, 2 and Todd, 4. Susan said, “Carrie and Todd were always well behaved but it got worse after I learned about Jack’s affair. I lost interest in them and usually didn’t respond to their needs. Their behavior got worse and I couldn’t handle them anymore. And I got even more depressed. Jack completely ignored me until he left. I was devastated.”
Susan’s greater awareness
As Susan continued to express her thoughts she became more aware of her feelings. She got in touch with her inner self and her resistance to change. She wanted things the way they were. Change was not an option. She hoped that Jack’s affair would never had happened. Her feelings of being a mother were no longer there.
Susan began to work on her thoughts and feelings. She wrote down her thoughts and feelings through the week. She began to become more aware of how her thoughts controlled her feelings and behavior. These were discussed in session in more depth.
She began to feel more like a loving mother and was pleased with her more positive approach to parenting. Susan agreed to bring her children into several sessions. Some of these sessions involved Play Therapy and Susan became more aware of Carrie and Todd’s feelings through their words and actions in play. She gained more insights into the children’s minds through play. This was a positive change for Susan and her children.
As Susan became more aware of the problem, and became more confident as a parent, she was ready to turn the chapter in her life.
A person doesn’t have to be a “slave” to depression or having depressive feelings. If you are trapped in the throngs of depressed feelings or negative thinking it will be difficult to escape. Depression will interfere with your life and prevent you from living moment by moment. You will be unable to make the next step towards a more satisfying life. The quality of your life will decline. Worrying about the present and future will be constant. Stress will become chronic.
When stress is chronic, the neurons in the hippocampus (learning and memory center) will continue to die, and they won’t be replaced. Your ability to learn and think clearly will be stifled. But in addition to damage in the brain’s memory center, and frontal cortex, chronic stress and depression will interfere with your social relationships. People will want to avoid and keep a distance from you. Friendships will not be as they were. Family life will be chaotic and ‘depressed.’
The Nature of Depression
Depression (or depressive feelings and emotions) is prevalent in modern society. There are many types of stressors that can lead to feeling depressed: Not being able to pursue one’s goals or cope with the everyday difficulties of life can make one feel depressed. One of the major types of stress is our relationships with others. When relationships go well there is joy and satisfaction. Too often, however, there are relationship issues or unresolved conflicts with partners, friends, and family. Mass media and social media may also be a source of stress and discomfort. The latest news in the media may be disconcerting. The uncertainties of life may lead to discomfort and sadness. We are continuously besieged with a plethora of stressful events.
One can also feel depressed over dissatisfactions in life: Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence can make one feel depressed. A lack of accomplishment may be a contributing factor. Our overall view of life can make one feel happy or depressed, depending on our perception and life experiences.
Furthermore, relationship problems can be devastating, causing one to feel depressed or even suicidal. There can be many types of problems in our relationships with others. Divorce, desertion, and conflict can be upsetting and discouraging, which can cause one to feel lonely or rejected. Relationship problems can also lead to extreme conflict or violence. Depression can affect the most vulnerable persons.
Clinical Depression
At the same time many people may succumb to clinical depression, where there are biochemical changes in the brain. For instance, there may be a decrease of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain leading to a more chronic, depressed state of mind. The healthy neurotransmitter, Oxytocin, is also at a low level. Stress may accompany this change in brain biochemistry, leading to an increased production of the stress hormones, such as epinephrine and cortisol. At the same time there is a decrease in the soothing hormone, oxytocin.
These biochemical changes in the brain accompanied with “chronic stress” can lead to the destruction of nerve cells in the brain, especially in the learning center (Hippocampus and Limbic System of the brain). The neocortex shrinks at the same time.
Therefore when depression becomes chronic, there is a lot of destructive chemical processes going on in the brain. These changes can make depression even worse as it becomes chronic over a period of time. Medication, however, can relieve (not cure) some of the unbearable symptoms of depression. Serotonin can be increased to a satisfactory level, and the individual can function as well as possible. It is likely that many individuals can have a satisfying life when taking medication.
Taking Positive Steps
There are some positive steps that you can take to prevent or lessen the impact of depression. Each individual may do it based on one’s own situation. You will have to decide how much you are willing or able to do. Of course, preventing depression would be the best approach; in most situations you may be already depressed, but not in a deeper, clinical depression. Let’s first discuss stress and the stressors that provoke it:
The Stressors
Life is filled with many things that can make you feel stress. It can be financial problems or a job loss. It can be worry about the future, or regrets about the past. It can even be winning the lottery, which could radically change one’s life. An inner feeling of inadequacy can set off stress and depression. There are many events or situations that could cause stress–and increase the likelihood of depression.
Since humans are social creatures relationship woes often provoke stress, with the possibility of causing stress or depression. Some of the problems in relationships include: escalating conflict, violence, and feeling rejected or alone. Communication becomes impossible, which prevents one from expressing feelings and desires.
Therefore, there are internal, emotional states or difficulties in relationships with others (or a partner) that may become stressful. Depressed feelings (or a major depression) can result depending on the vulnerability of the individual.
It is helpful to be cognizant of the stressors in one’s own life, so that it will be easier to cope and deal with them. Focusing your attention on what is bothering you will help you to cope with the stressors that come your way.
Positive Approaches:
There is light under the tunnel. Living a positive and mindful life will help prevent the deep impact of chronic stress. And it can even lessen the severity of even minor stressors. Meditation, as a way of life, can better prepare you for stressful events or stressors. Calming and clearing your mind of toxic thoughts is a first step to prevention. And even when stressful events come, your calming and peaceful approach will strengthen your resilience toward stress.
Multiplying your interests will offset the deep impact of a stressful event. Find something your interested in, and immerse yourself in it. It should be something that you are really interested in to make a commitment. If you don’t know what your interests are take time to reflect and consider what it may be. Don’t be discouraged. You will eventually discover it. It will buffer you in the event of a stressful event.
Prevent the “Winter Blues” during this Time of the Year
December 16, 2014
As the holidays arrive and Winter is upon us, you, or someone you know may become depressed or feel a lot of pressure. There are many types of stressors during this time of the year: You may feel a lot of pressure shopping or in buying holiday gifts. There may be more stress from certain people during this time.
Expectations from others is at an all time high. Peoples’ moods may go up and down. Relationships may end or be in constant conflict. There are a myriad of problems that may arise such as financial problems, high expectations, deciding what to buy, and financial stress.
Stress from Others
The people that you thought were supportive and understanding become more difficult and annoying. You would like to please them but find it impossible. The stress you feel becomes exacerbated and there seems to be no solution. If you have a supportive and loving relationship at this time it will help ameliorate the problem. This person can be your main support at this time, and prevent you from going deeper and deeper in the “cage” of stress. Supportive relationships with caring and loving people can become a vital antidote for stress or depression. So it is important to cultivate these relationships, and be equally supportive to the other.
Self-Esteem
Your own self-image is important at this time. Taking care of yourself by eating healthy foods and exercising will ward off the ills of stress. Giving yourself positive affirmations is an important practice at this time. Feeling grateful for what you have in life will allay some of the stress that you may feel. Even when you don’t feel any stress at the moment it is helpful to feel good about yourself. But if your self-esteem is not where you want it to be, you can cultivate it by taking care of your body and mind.
Practice Meditation in the Midst of Stress
Taking care of children can also be stressful at this time. Be aware of your child’s needs, and be especially understanding of the child’s feelings and emotions. Don’t take misbehavior seriously and try to understand the child. Even though it may be difficult, reading and playing with your child or grandchild can be very rewarding. It can relieve your stress, even the many stresses that can occur during the Winter Blues.
There is also a tendency to spend a lot during this time. There is the stress of shopping, spending and thinking of what to buy for loved ones, family and friends. The higher your expectations, the more stress you will feel. Even gift buying can increase stress and stimulate the endocrine glands in producing more stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. This is a time relax and meditate to calm your body and mind:
It is time to take a break from the busy season. You would need to spend time in silence to reflect and meditate. Practice focusing on an object of your choice. It could be a candle, a lovely picture, or a relaxing image that you visualize in your mind. Or it can be your own breath, breathing in and out: The rising and falling of each breath. All you need to do is focus your attention on your breath and letting all thoughts and feelings go. But to focus your attention on an object or your breath you would need to make the intention of doing it. Meditate at least ten to fifteen minutes a day, and when you feel tension from stress. Preventing stress through regular meditation in a quiet space is the optimal goal.
It is important to mention that meditation has positive, health effects. Besides relieving stress and anxiety it has healthy effects on the body. Healthy hormones are produced such as oxytocin. It may even slow down aging as the telomeres, the strands on the chromosomes, are prevented from shrinking. You will also feel relaxed and at ease. It is especially beneficial during the stressful season of the Winter Blues.
There is another cause of the “Winter Blues” that need to be mentioned:
Seasonal Affective Disorder
Some people are more depressed during the Fall and Winter seasons, just because of being sensitive to the weather. In these cases it is the weather itself that causes mood disorders, and the person usually is affected for at least two or more years. These mood disorders can result in major depression, or rarely, even bipolar disorder. Usually depression is more prevalent, and people who live in the colder climates are more prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder. But it can occur in any area where there is a harsh Winter.
It should be remembered that there needs to be a clear seasonal cause. So we need to eliminate other causes of the “Winter Blues” before we can discern whether it is SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).
Conclusion
It is important to be clearly aware of your feelings during late Autumn and through the Winter months. It is also vital to relax and meditate during these times, and not expect a lot. Most of you will be having Holidays during this time of the year and you would want to have reasonable expectations. The more you relax and reflect, the more it will be easier to prevent the “blues.” Enjoy time with family and friends. Relish the quiet moments during the days and reflect. Don’t let the Seasons affect you. Life doesn’t have to be hectic. You have the power to make it a positive time of the year.
Avoidance is harmful to the Relationship by Michael A. Panar
December 2, 2014
Jack’s father, Daniel, tended to avoid relationships in the family. He always wanted attention from his father but his father never responded to his needs. He felt rejected, and didn’t feel his father really cared for him . He continued to seek his father’s attention, but his dad rarely responded to his needs.
Dan (Jack’s dad) did associate with others outside of the family. He would join his friends at night, and would try to get their attention. He usually called attention to himself, and wanted his friends to see him as a superior person. Dan would ‘enhance’ himself in front of his close friends, which usually got their attention. He was elated when he got his friends’ attention. But when he returned home he became his usual self: He never talked much and wanted to be alone in his ‘workshop.’
Jack’s mother, Diane, wanted more affection from her husband to no avail. When she approached him he would turn away and go back to his workshop. She was disappointed but never said anything. There was an eerie silence in the room. Jack was unhappy for his mother. He wanted her to be happy. But her depression worsened to the point that she became non-responsive to her son’s emotional needs.
Years Later
When Jack became an adult he had problems in his relationships and in dating women. He couldn’t relate with the opposite sex no matter how much he tried. When he met a woman whom he was a attracted to, he had trouble expressing his feelings to her. The couple dated for a year but things got worse. Barbara expressed her feelings to Jack, but he was indifferent to her feelings. It was a one-sided relationship where she tried hard to get him to talk to her, but he only said a few words. Eventually she became frustrated and told Jack she wasn’t interested in him anymore. Jack was devastated when Barbara broke up with him, but eventually he went back to his usual behavioral patterns.
Jack continued to be unsuccessful in his relationships with women. Even if he would eventually marry, he thought, the love of his life would eventually end up like his mother–an unhappy wife and mother. He didn’t want that for anyone, but he still hoped that some day he would find someone to love and be happy with.
The Dismissive, Avoidant Personality
Although Jack resented his father’s rejection of him and his mother, he wanted his father’s attention and love. He craved for his father’s love, and felt sorry for his mother. He admired his father in other ways: His dad was a hard worker and was good with his hands. He could build furniture and other things. But he didn’t get the love that he needed from his father. He felt rejected and sad about it.
Conclusion
As Jack approached adulthood he was not successful in dating women, and when he met Barbara he couldn’t express his feelings openly. Instead, he would become dismissive and not pay attention to her needs and feelings. Barbara was not happy in the relationship. She wanted a man who would listen to her needs and feelings. She wanted a man who cared for her. But Jack was unable to listen to her feelings. He tried, but couldn’t do it. Barbara had enough of this neglect and broke off with him. Jack felt rejected but seemed to be unaware of the reason for her departure. He went out with other women after his first date, but his problem of dismissiveness and avoidance continued in these relationships.
Is there hope for Jack? Yes there is hope, but Jack would have to try harder to be responsive to the feelings of another. In his childhood and adolescence he had a dismissive, avoidant father who hardly paid attention to him. He was also negatively affected by his mother’s unhappiness and eventual depression. If he doesn’t make any effort to change his avoidant stance, he will replicate his father’s behavior in his own relationship. He, too, will become a dismissive, avoidant husband. And this can be carried over into generations to come.
But there is good news: A person, like Jack, can change when one is aware of the negative effects of childhood. It will take work to change, and probably counseling or therapy, but it will be well worth it. You don’t have to be a ‘victim’ of the past. Change is possible.
A child’s need for love and security
October 17, 2014
The child needs to trust a parent or a primary caretaker from birth to about one-years-old. But it’s not met unless the parent is consistent in loving and taking taking care of the child’s needs. This love the parent gives to the infant needs to be an unconditional love. Essentially the need for secure attachment begins in infancy.
As the parent provides for the physical needs of the child (breast feeding and providing for other needs) the parent provides love in various ways: loving gestures, touch, smiles, and singing to the child.
Touch is a basic way of providing love in tangible ways. Embracing the infant, and gently touching her (him) is a salient expression of love:
When the infant experiences these loving expressions, she begins to feel free to explore the world around her. When she feels the need to have loving contact she readily comes back to the parent. Receiving love becomes a part of the child’s self and feelings of acceptance.
Developing basic trust is only the beginning of a child’s inner security. Social psychologist, Erik Erickson, set this first development from birth to about two years of age. But the individual, through adulthood, struggles with this basic need. Therefore the benefits of trust and the need for it continues through the development of the individual. As the individual feels that he or she can trust, there is the mastery of hope. Hope is a positive feeling that helps the individual to continue to explore and then to come back to a loving relationship.
Trust when School Begins
As the child reaches other developmental milestones, she still needs to know that she is loved. During the preschool years, she needs the assurance that the parent will never falter in the rendering of trust.
When the child begins school, she needs the reassurance of a loving, accepting parent even more. The child meets other children and needs to be able to communicate with peers. The trust that she feels will carry over into her peer relationships and she will be able to take risks and accept friendship from others. Her inner confidence will be apparent and she will be able to be friendly and open to new friendships. She will be sociable and be willing to explore new friendships. She will feel confident in herself and in other’s.
The school-age child needs to be able to trust in all of the areas of his or her life. This includes being able to be aware of the parents continuing, unconditional love. She will be confident that she can always return to her parents for love and support. Even during difficult times she will be able to trust the parents–that they will always be there for her. These positive feelings will give the child trust and hope.
Trust in Adolescence
The need to trust is carried over into adolescence, when the teen needs to further explore the ‘outside’ world. Peer groups become even more important for the teen. The need to be accepted by others is paramount and close friendships help to build self-esteem. It is important at this time to bond with at least one or two close friends. Feeling accepted by others is salient at this time. Acceptance will enhance the teen’s self-image and self-worth. Basic trust needs to be crystalized before the teen can form a more ‘solid’ identity.
The teen still needs the love and support from his or her parents. Secure attachment must continue through adolescence. Parents are still important. The teen will always feel confident that the parents will always be there when needed–and at the same time being comfortable in going back to his or her friends and other peers. There is a ‘back-and-forth’ movement from home to peers, and peers to home. As long as the teen has this basic trust there will be optimal development. The teen will feel a sense of hope and confidence, and will more easily find a healthy identity.
Entering Young Adulthood
Beginning around eighteen-years-old the teenager is ready to enter into a new stage of life: adulthood. It may begin with college or entering the job market. Young adulthood is in the twenties and thirties, until the middle years of the forties and fifties. But each person may perceive the stage of their life in different way.
If all goes well, and the individual achieved a sense of trust and hope, he or she will be ready for the daunting tasks of adulthood: Establishing a family, which may include children coming into the home; getting a good job; financial security; and having a successful marriage and family relationship.
TRUST IN ADULTHOOD
Jane and Allen had a beautiful wedding and now were planning their life together, but the couple couldn’t trust each other. Their relationship began with love and passion, and they were happy during the first year of their marriage. However, beginning in the second year of their marriage they became distant from each other. The romance and passion seemed to be gone. They didn’t have those romantic feelings anymore. Jane was pregnant with their first child, but Allen wasn’t excited about it. Jane seemed to distance herself from him and there was an unpleasant silence in the home.
Jane and Allen didn’t argue with each other, but the “trust’ that they did have for each other wasn’t there. In other cases the lack of trust expresses anger, bitterness and jealousy. Distrust can express itself in various ways. In these situations there is a lot of anger, jealousy, and even violence.
In still other cases the individual may have problems in trusting another. The person may have difficulty in forming friendships. He or she may feel insecure and not confident in pursuing goals, assertiveness, and getting into intimate relationships.
In essence, the adult needs to continue to have healthy relationships through adulthood. The basic trust that was formed in the earlier years of life needs to be reinforce through adulthood and older age. It doesn’t stop in infancy, childhood or adolescence. Trust needs to be nurtured through a lifetime.
I begin this discussion with case examples of stress or distress with the goal of increasing your happiness and quality of life. All things can change for the better if we live in the moments of life, with the goal of reducing the problems that can occur from moment-to-moment.
Once you have clearly and objectively Identified the source of your distress, the next step is to pave the way towards a better quality of life and happiness. Think of this as a journey that may take time and patience to achieve. Let’s begin:
Examples of Stressful Situations
Sally is under a lot of stress. She and Jerry had a good relationship six years ago when they married. But now she’s not happy andcan’t talk to Jerry about anything. When she expresses her feelings he doesn’t want to listen, which is frustrating for her. She says things are getting worse and feels like giving up.
In another case, Tim recently lost his job and can’t find a job that he enjoys. He has to find something just to survive. He worries constantly about his self-worth and the fear of not surviving the loss.
In a third case, Ben and his wife, Beth, argue a lot and it seems never-ending. The conflict is escalating and things don’t seem to be getting better. They seem to be trapped in their conflict and there isn’t a way out.
In an individual case, Marie is often depressed and her thoughts wander in hopelessness. It is difficult for Marie to be in a healthy relationship because of her chronic depression, which prevents her from meeting anyone who can give her love and comfort. In Finally, Joan is bipolar and isn’t happy with her life. She becomes over-excited and at other time depressed. Relationships are a problem since no one knows what to expect from her. Her relationships usually breakup or are in constant turmoil.
These are just a few examples of the unhappiness and discontent that occur in the daily life of many people. It almost seems like a ‘normal’ part of life. One can’t imagine life without problems or even turmoil. You can probably think about many things that occur daily that doesn’t make you happy– or even are frustrating or upsetting. It also may be problems in your relationships. In either case, it can cause you stress or discontent. It can affect your inner contentment and peace.
The Path to Inner Contentment and Happiness.
Be aware of your discontent
The first step is to look within yourself and discern what is bothering you. What are you unhappy about? Is it your thoughts or feelings? Or does it come from the outside, in your relationships with others– or with some unfortunate event in your life? Or it may be both from the inside and outside. Whatever it may be, it’s important to identify the source of your discontent.
To understand what is really bothering you it is important to be in a quiet place without distractions. Allow your mind to focus on these thoughts, with calmness. Prioritize the three most important things that you feel are causing your distress or unhappiness.
Once you have identified the cause of your discontent or unhappiness, it is important to focus your attention and awareness on those things that bothered you or were stressful. You need to see them clearly in your mind’s eye. Focus on all of the reasons for your discontent, with acceptance and without judgment of them. Observe them in the mind’s eye until you are completely aware of them. Then let them go, gently.
After you’ve done that, turn to the thoughts in your mind that made you ‘see’ these things as stressful, troublesome, or terrible. Focus on these thoughts clearly and with complete acceptance. Watch them float in your mind and look at them clearly. Turn these thoughts into a metaphor of a leaf or bubble. Let them float away or fade away as you watch them pass through your mind’s ‘eye.’ Focus your attention on these thoughts as they come and go, and then eventually dissipate into oblivion.
Watch the rising and falling of your breath after your mind is clear of the unhealthy clutter that you just witnessed. Now focus on only the breath for ten minutes with no thoughts present, but only your breath.
Nurture Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships help create inner contentment and happiness. Indeed, healthy relationships and happiness often go together: To be completely content and happy you need to be in healthy relationships. Healthy relationships also bring contentment. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss healthy relationships as crucial to a healthy “social self” and how the self needs to be in balance with mind, body and spirit. www.michaelpanar.com
Furthermore, Michael B. Frisch states in his book, “Quality of Life Therapy,” that happiness may be like a salad or a stew with different ingredients for different people. But life satisfaction is a key to happiness, and a healthy relationship is an important ingredient.
But what is a healthy relationship? This is a relationship that grows and matures. It consists of a couple (or friend) who really listens to the other. The partners always listen to the feelings and needs of the other. Love continues to grow in the relationship. Empathy and compassion for self and the other are cornerstones of this relationship. Partners are able to change for the better through the years, and they are resilient enough to strengthen their connection with each other even after struggles, crises or challenges. Partners in a healthy relationship are spiritual, and focus on the ‘possibilities’ in life and in their relationship
Conclusion
Quality of Life
It isn’t easy to have a “quality of life” that is satisfying and intrinsically rewarding. There will always be problems in life. Things won’t always go the way you would like. There will be problems in relationships over time. And there will be frustrations and disappointments over the course of life. There will be disabilities, or problems with you or your loved one’s health. We will all face losses over the course of time. But in spite of the uncertainties or difficulties in life, cultivating a “quality of life” will be rewarding and satisfying; it will make it easier to go through the challenges that will come your way. Begin today to reduce stress and enhance the quality of your life.
There is an implicit desire to find a loving partner and soul mate, whether you are presently dating, engaged, living together, or married for many years. There seems to be an innate desire to have a soul mate who will be your faithful companion for life. Even in this technological age, where spirituality is not the centerpiece of the culture, there is a spiritual longing for a soul mate.
It usually begins when you fall in love with the partner. Romantic love enchants you to feel emotionally attached to the other. The emotions of romantic love are captivating and intense. These feelings engender the perception of an enduring happiness. But it is a fanciful creation.
During steady dating and courtship the romantic feelings “tell” you that this is the “right” person for you. The intense feelings of romantic love seem real. The idealization of romantic love emotionally enmeshes you with your partner.
For instance, Jennifer was dating Tim for the past two years. From the beginning she fell madly in love with him. The feelings she had confirmed in her mind that Tim was the right man for her. “We did everything together, and we were very attracted to each other. I felt one with Tim. Without him I was lonely.”
“I felt the same way,” Tim said. “Without Jenny, I felt incomplete.”
Romantic feelings make you feel you found the right person. And you would be “incomplete” without the partner. Indeed, some sociologists call these feelings the “romantic love complex.” The feelings of romantic love are the basis of staying in a relationship. Being in love is the reason to get married or deciding to live together.
Social scientists have found that romantic love replaces kinship and family as a way to find your partner. In the past, parents had more control in the mate selection process. But as the parents’ authority declined the partners were free to choose their own partners. Romantic love became the “reason” to marry.
Jennifer and Tim had these feelings for each other. After three years of marriage, Jennifer could not imagine that the love she had for Tim would ever dissipate. “I loved Tim very much. There was never a doubt in my mind that he was the one for me.”
Tim felt the same way: “I still love her, but everything changed after three years of marriage. Jenny changed. She doesn’t respond to my needs anymore.”
“I still love Tim,” Jennifer says, “but I don’t feel the same way. He avoids me all the time, and I’m alone most of the time. The close communication we had is no longer there.”
For Jennifer and Tim, romantic love had waned, and the feelings they had for each other had evanesced after three years of marriage.
Indeed, a recent study reported that the “seven year itch” is no longer true. Instead, even after three years of marriage the feelings of romantic love seem to wane for many couples.
In short, romantic love is not enough to sustain a relationship, or to find your soul mate. But the emotions of romantic love are intense and mesmerizing. It’s easy to depend on it. “Falling in love” seems to be a natural process with biochemical effects. And it is an integral part of modern culture.
However, if you want to find a loving partner, or your soul mate, you need to go through six steps to accomplish this goal. Romantic love would still be a crucial part of your relationship. But to find your soul mate you need to do more. If you go through these steps you will increase your chances of finding your soul mate. These steps are consistent with sociologist Ira Reiss’s “Wheel Theory of Love.” Reiss elaborated on the stages of love that include rapport, mutual disclosure, fulfillment of each other’s needs, mutual dependency, and fulfillment of personality needs. It is really more than “stages”; it is like a “wheel” where there is a mutual interaction; and it continues to move in a circular motion as long as the partners communicate with each other.
The Six Steps
Nurture a Friendship
Become friends: As you enter steady dating or courtship you need to become friends, apart from the romantic feelings. Positive communication is the beginning of a friendship. Talk to each other about your interests and activities. Share feelings with each other. Feel comfortable with the other person as you talk about your feelings and desires. Emphasize the positive in your communication with each other.
Susan and Steve started their courtship in this way. Susan, for instance, felt comfortable in talking with Steve. “We worked at the same place and always looked forward to having coffee breaks together. And when we sat down together we could easily talk to each other about anything. It was all positive.”
Steve felt the same way: “I decided to talk to her about my dreams and desires. And she would listen to me. We were tuned into each other.”
Talk About Worries and Concerns
In addition to communicating positive feelings and desires (and forming a friendship) you need to feel that you can easily talk to each other about worries and concerns. You would be able to share these feelings.
Susan said, “I could easily talk to Steve about my fears. When I had a health problem I could talk to him and he showed compassion”
“She listened to my anxieties about my job,” Steve said. “I felt insecure in my job and I could easily talk to Susan about it. She understood my feelings.”
Communicate Without Blame or Criticism
When you talk with each other, don’t criticize or blame, but listen empathically to the other person. This is one of the qualities of Susan and Steve’s relationship: They were able to understand what the partner was saying, and were able to put themselves in the other’s place.
Empathy is the quality of really putting yourself in the other’s position: to really “experience” the partner’s feelings and emotions. At the same time, you are a ‘separate’ individual from the partner. Empathic listening would be a pivotal part of your communication with each other.
Cultivate Trust in the Relationship
It is also vital to cultivate trust in your relationship When there is trust you can easily confide in the other. Of course when you trust the partner you make yourself vulnerable. But this is not a problem for couples who have a mutual trust in the other. When you trust the partner, you feel more comfortable in disclosing your deepest feelings.
In another case, Kim and Dan’s marriage expressed an illusion of trust, since there wasn’t a mutual understanding. It was assumed that the partners would be faithful to each other. But Dan didn’t really accept the importance of trust in the relationship.
Nurture Intimacy
Once you have accomplished these initial steps you will be well on your way of becoming intimate.
Susan and Steve were successful in achieving intimacy in their marriage. Steve says, “I always felt comfortable in sharing my thoughts with Susan. She always understands, even if it’s something she doesn’t agree on.”
“I feel the same way,” Susan says. “I think the longer we are together the more intimate we are. I feel very close to Steve, and I hope it’ll always be that way.”
Intimacy is the disclosure of feelings in the relationship. Both partners are able to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. Intimacy includes sexual feelings and satisfaction, but it is much more than the physical dimension. It involves thoughts, feelings and emotions. There is a complete understanding and desire to know the partner. Yet there is always a mystery about the other person and the desire to know more about him or her. The “mystery” will always be there through years into the relationship.
Conclusion: The Spiritual Connection
As you ‘work’ on the five steps in your quest to build a loving partnership it is important to always focus on the spiritual connection. The spiritual connection is the sixth step, but it envelops the first five steps. At the same time you need to accomplish the five steps before you can achieve a more complete, spiritual connection.
Spirituality in the relationship expresses an all-giving love that is completely unselfish. It is not the romantic love of passion, but a love that is mature and compassionate. It is understanding and empathic. It is the mutual feeling of a genuine connection with each other. It is not an unrequited love It is a genuine love.
Passion and romantic love can still be a part of your marriage or relationship, but romantic love needs to be complemented with genuine love. The latter is the love you need to cultivate for life. It is an enduring love. It is the love that will bring you closer to finding your soul mate.
Once you and your partner master the ‘six’ steps you will avoid the pitfalls in your relationship. Therapist John Gottman described the pitfalls as destructive patterns in relationships. These destructive patterns are the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Distressed and unhappy couples express these patterns in their relationships. But after the six steps became a part of your relationship you will not have an “apocalypse.” You will have a loving partner and soul mate.
THERE IS ‘LIFE’ AFTER DEPRESSION by Michael A. Panar
April 14, 2014
Melinda feels a lot of stress in her life and it has caused her to be depressed. She says, “I’m upset about a lot of things. I think about my unhappy childhood when I was the ‘black sheep’ in the family. Mom and dad never paid any attention to me, and I felt rejected. This happened during my entire childhood. I never felt good about myself.”
Today she has problems in her relationships and doesn’t feel confident as a mother to her two teenage daughters. Melinda says, “I try to please Sid, but he doesn’t respond. When he does talk to me, he complains about everything. I don’t know what to say to him, and then he gets angry at me. And my daughters make it even more difficult for me; they don’t respect me and that makes me more depressed.”
Melinda feels overwhelmed with the problems of the past and present. She feels out-of-control. In the present problems in her relationship, and as a mother, she feels helpless and sees no hope for the future. She withdraws into her depression, which only exacerbates the problem.
Melinda takes antidepressant medication, which prevents her from being suicidal. But she still feels hopeless and helpless. She can’t function in her everyday life as a partner and mother. This only reinforces her feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Her self-esteen is shattered.
After Melinda began to realize that she wasn’t happy, and she was becoming more miserable every day, she decided to attend some counseling sessions. Melinda said, “It was hard to talk about my feelings for a while, but after I started to talk about it, I felt a great relief. And I was more elated that Sid agreed to come with me for some counseling. For the first time I felt hopeful about the future.” An unexpected smile appeared on her face.
Causes of Melancholy
Negative Thoughts
Chronic sadness, depression, or major depression can stop you from really living a healthy and fulfilled life. If you are in a situation, like Melinda, or just feeling sad or depressed a lot, you need to get back to understanding what is causing your melancholy. It is important to ‘look’ at your negative thoughts that keep entering your mind automatically. As these thoughts unrelentingly come into your mind, you will feel more depressed. They will begin to put yourself down, and make you feel the people around you feel the same way about you. You become more depressed and the depression escalates.
It is important, therefore, that you take control over your thoughts, not by resisting them but letting them go on their own. You can do this more easily through the practice of mindfulness. View your thoughts, one at a time, as they pass through your mind. Focus with attention on each thought as they pass through your mind. Imagine each thought is a leaf floating down the stream, and eventually fading away. Do this for at least five to ten minutes when you begin to feel depressed. Close your eyes during the exercise; then breathe for a while as you slowly open your eyes.
Support of Partner or Spouse
It helps if you have the support of your spouse or partner. A supportive partner, who is empathetic and understanding, will not take away the depression– but he or she can motivate you to do something about your depression. And if your partner is willing to come to counseling with you (like Melinda’s husband) it will help you and him to work toward a more supportive and loving relationship. Clear communication and acceptance of the other is vital to come to the best solution.
Shared Parenting
If you have problems with your children, you and the other parent can work on issues related to parenting and appropriate discipline for the children. This may be difficult, but if you are consistent you will get better results. And the depressed partner will feel more confident in the parenting role.
A Healthy Lifestyle
In my latest book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle: Secrets of Health and Happiness (www.michaelpanar.com), I discuss the importance of coping with sadness and depression. Early childhood experiences and enhancing the self are important factors in preventing or resolving moderate to major depression.
Conclusion
In essence, depression doesn’t have to be with you all the days of your life. There is ‘life’ after depression. And you don’t have to be sad, or even moderately depressed most of the time. If the source of the depression came from the past in an unhappy childhood, as in Melinda’s case, you can work on these issues of the past. But you are not focusing on the past; you are trying to resolve the “ghosts of the past” in the present moment. It is important to focus clearly on these ‘ghosts’ as you let them go.
It is vital to reconcile these issues through “talk therapy” and approaching your own parents (if they are available)about the past, if possible. Then you can move on to work on your present problems within the family, and by yourself in quiet awareness.
To be sure, it’s not easy, but you can have a ‘life’ after depression: Working on your ‘self’ and self-esteem is a beginning. Resolving problems of the past and present is crucial. Gaining mastery, and eliminating depression, can eventually take you to a more fulfilling and rewarding life. You will no longer be a ‘slave’ to the depression.
Listening Begins in the Family
It is in the family that you can learn to listen to another’s thoughts and feelings. Parents need to cultivate this skill from early childhood through adolescence–and they need to be role models. Parents can’t just tell the child to listen; they need to show it in their own behavior. They need to listen to the child’s needs, according to the developmental age of the child. So it’s important that the parent understands something about human behavior and child development. Parents also need to continue to practice on their own listening skills. It won’t be perfect. But it is a challenge that can be achieved.
The Art of Listening
Jennifer never learned to listen to another person. During her childhood she was often ignored and felt worthless. She says, “My parents never really paid attention to me. I think I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family. I had to do my own thing since my parents never showed me any love. I always felt bad about myself.”
Eventually Jennifer did her ‘own thing’ and was drawn into drugs and alcohol. Of course, Jennifer’s case is extreme, but this demonstrates the importance of listening in family life–beginning with the parents. Most of us, however, can always improve our listening skills. We can always become better listeners by becoming more empathic, and learning the skills needed be be better listeners. Essentially, listening is an art that can be further nurtured and cultivated.
Therefore every person will have differing skills in listening. Some may be able to do it well. Others, partly because of what they learned in childhood and adolescence, may have some difficulties in expressing empathetic listening. Still others may have a more difficult time, like Jennifer, in learning to listen well. But no matter where you are along this scale, you can always improve your listening skills. You can always be a better listener.
The first step is to understand your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Anger and depression, for instance, prevents you from listening well to another person. When you are angry there is inner tensions of the body, inner irritation and even disgust, which eventually make you “explode” in a fit of anger. At this moment you are unable to be calm enough to listen to that individual. The emotion of anger is controlling you.
In the same way depression is upsetting you so much that you don’t want to listen to another. You are so absorbed in self-blame or worry that you are unable to pay attention to another person. The emotions of being depressed is all consuming that you can’t focus on anything else.
In essence, it is important to ‘listen’ to your own thoughts and feelings, whether you are angry, depressed, or unable to listen for other reasons. Understanding the feelings beneath your emotions is an important step in controlling your own emotions, and being able to listen to a friend, work partner, acquaintance, your partner or spouse.
Once you are able to reflect on your feelings and emotions, you will be able to develop your skills in listening. Here are some of the steps in listening and speaking:
Steps in Learning to Listen and Speak
1) Practice with a family member, or someone you know well. Let the other person express his or her feelings, while you just listen carefully, without interrupting. When the other person is done speaking, look directly into that person’s eyes with the intention of understanding the feelings that were just expressed.
2) The next step is to reflect back those feelings that were expressed. Reflect while using your own words, and with the intention of trying to understand the thoughts and feelings conveyed. Never express your own thoughts and feelings at this stage.
3) At this point, stop and wait for the person to confirm that you are correct in your reflection.
4) If you have listened to the satisfaction of the listener, it is now your turn to express your feelings to that person, doing the same thing. You are now the speaker or expresser. Express your own feelings and desires without blaming the other person (who is now the listener).
You can practice these skills as often as you want, while letting the other person do the same. You can also practice it with other people as the situation requires. But remember, the parties involved must be willing to do this as a practice session. There also has to be a mutual caring for each other.
Learning these skills in the beginning will seem artificial, but as it becomes a normal pattern of relating, listening in this way will seem as natural as a gentle breeze.
Mindfulness and the Art of Listening
If you want to be a good listener, and have healthier relationship, mindfulness practice will help you. In my book, Create a Healthy Style (www.michaelpanar.com) I discuss in two chapters the ‘secrets’ of developing healthy relationships. In the book I also discuss meditation, mindfulness, loving-kindness and self-compassion. Mindfulness and spiritual growth can further enhance your listening skills.
I believe as you become more spiritual and practice self-compassion and compassion for another you will feel at one with your partner or friend. As you do this it is more likely that the other person will want to listen to you. In the Buddhist tradition, in addition to compassion (which is not pity but caring for the other), Loving-Kindness to yourself and the other person will strengthen your bond together. It will take practice, but as it becomes a part of you and your connection to the other, your spiritual bond will grow.
It is important, therefore, to be attuned to the needs and feelings of your partner or friend, and complement it with a spiritual connection. The rays of love will flow through one another.
Conclusion
Even though you didn’t have a childhood that was loving or safe it is still possible to cultivate your listening skills, and improve your relationships. You can further enhance your connections with your partner or friend through a spiritual connection that would enrich your social bond to a more spiritual level. It may be more difficult depending on the degree of your “secure attachment” in your childhood and adolescence. But don’t give up. Practice listening and enhance your spirituality. Eventually, the light of your love will be manifested in your relationships.