Healthy Communication can Relieve Depression by Michael A. Panar

March 31, 2017

Causes of Depression

Everyone may experience depressive feelings, but when it begins to have a disabling effect it may be a symptom of clinical depression. Dr. Aaron Beck, a pioneer in depression research, discovered that thoughts and feelings can affect your emotions and behavior. This can occur in three ways: First, a husband or wife may conclude that the other partner doesn’t care when she or he wants to be more active in the community or isn’t responsive. The partner takes it as a personal affront and concludes that the other person really doesn’t care. Secondly, if a wife (or husband) observes that her spouse doesn’t want to talk to her one day, she may feel that he’ll always be that way. The third factor is when a spouse thinks about all of the negative things in the marriage, and minimizes any of the positive qualities in the relationship. These kinds of thoughts, therefore, has the potential to cause sad or depressive feelings; but when it is profound it can be a symptom of depression.

Negative thoughts can make you depressed. But it also can occur as a relationship pattern: Problems in the relationship cause negative thoughts, which eventually lead to depressed feelings, or at worse, clinical depression. Clinical depression can alter the brain chemistry that may require medication as well as individual or family therapy.

Marian feels Lonely and Depressed

Marian, 27, for instance, was married for five years She thought she would be happy, but soon discovered that her marriage wasn’t satisfying. Her expectations for marriage were high: She wanted a husband who would be loving and responsive to her needs. But after five years of marriage she felt alone. She focused on her loneliness. There was no connection between her and Sam as she thought it was at the beginning of the marriage.

This loneliness prompted her to talk to Sam. Marian said, pleadingly, “Sam, what is happening to us? We’re not as close as we once were. And you’re never there for me.”

Sam shrugged it off. “We’re busy and we don’t have much time to do things. That’s the way life is!” Sam turned on his sports station without looking at Marian.

This wasn’t comforting for Marian as tears flowed down her eyes. Sam’s remarks made her feel even more frustrated and hopeless. She and Sam became more distant from each other. Sam did what he wanted to do, and Marian withdrew further into her depression.

Marian felt she could not have a child under these circumstances.  She became less responsive to Sam’s needs. There was increasing conflict in the relationship. She often blamed herself for the problems in the marriage. This only exacerbated the problem and she became more depressed.

When a person is depressed there is a cascade of negative thoughts that can overwhelm you. The negative thoughts become relentless and it seems impossible to stop. Marian was having a lot of hopeless thoughts that became overwhelming for her.

Marian went to her family doctor who gave her an antidepressant. After taking the medication she felt less anxious, but she still was lonely and dissatisfied in the marriage. Every time Sam came home from work there was chronic tension. Marian couldn’t talk to Sam when he expressed anger and criticism. There seemed to be no solution to the problem.

Psychologist Wilson McDermut at William Paterson University (and other family researchers) report that there is a relationship between depression and family dysfunction. Families with a depressed member often experience family dysfunction or marital distress. For Marian, it was marital dissatisfaction and distress that caused her to feel depressed.

Criticism and Depression

Family researchers have also found that excessive criticism or emotional over-involvement in the family can induce relapse in depressed patients. Criticism and emotional over-involvement are also a part of the family environment of depressed persons. In Marian’s situation, as she became more depressed, Sam became more critical and distant from her. When he criticized her it caused an emotional over-involvement of chronic conflict and tension. Then Sam withdrew into the ‘world’ of his friends that escalated her loneliness and depression.

Couple Therapy Begins

Fortunately, Marian called for an appointment for counseling. When I first saw her she didn’t want to talk about her problems. But as she began to trust me, after several sessions, she began to express her feelings. She agreed to talk to Sam and then asked him to come in for couple counseling. The next week Sam reluctantly entered the session. At the start of counseling he blamed Marian for all of the problems in the marriage. But since both spouses were unhappy with their relationship a new narrative unfolded. Sam began to understand that Marian wanted to have a better relationship with him. He realized that his avoidance made Marian more lonely and depressed. This was the beginning of working towards a mutually satisfying  marriage. If the couple continues to work on their relationship both spouses can be happy, and ‘depression’ would no longer be needed.

 

Posted by mpanar
Filed in Depression, marriage and family
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Depression, the Family, and Social Support

August 2, 2016

Depression in the family has a negative effect on family relationships, as well as on each person in the family. It is difficult for family members who are not depressed to cope with the depressed person who is afflicted with feelings of deep sadness. Often the depressed member is unable to function, doesn’t want to relate to anyone, and spends a lot of time away from other family members. The depressed person is also not able to participate in activities outside the home, and often doesn’t want to socialize with anyone outside of the family.

Symptoms of Depression

According to the the DSM-5 (the Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association) depression is a mood disorder with symptoms of a loss of pleasure, appetite and weight, as well as having trouble sleeping. They frequently feel sad, angry or depressed. They are always tired and can’t concentrate. Some may feel worthless, and at worse, may feel guilty. In severe cases the depressed person may have thoughts of suicide, and may even act on these suicidal thoughts.

Medication is often prescribed, but there needs to be other ways to cope with the depressed moods that don’t seem to go away. There needs to be support and love from friends and family. Above all, family members need to be patient and supportive. The patient must feel accepted by friends, family, and health professionals. The depressed mood involves a loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time.

SOCIAL SUPPORT

In essence, the depressed mood is a chronic feeling of rejection, loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time. Other symptoms may include: loss of appetite and weight. More than three-fourths of depressed people report a lack of sleep. Or patients may eat and sleep more often. They complain of fatigue or being tired frequently. Many depressed individuals keep to themselves and only want to be alone.

Therefore, family support is crucial at this time, and if there is a partner, spouse or other family member, it is vital that this person be supportive of the depressed person.  I can’t overstate the importance of support from family members that is often lacking. It is the closest people in the life of the depressed member who are vitally important at this time. Love, support and kindness is the best treatment for a family member who is not motivated or is in a depressed mood. Loving-Kindness is the quintessential prescription for depression.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

It is likely that a very sad or depressed person had an insecure childhood. This individual never received the love and support from her parents or other significant others.  Once the insecure person reaches adulthood he or she lacks the resilience to cope well with stressful situations.

Parents are crucial in providing secure attachment for the child from birth to adolescence. Parents need to be responsive to the needs of the child. They need to give unconditional love and acceptance. They need to be attuned to the needs and feelings of their child. Over the course of infancy, childhood and the teenage years the child will feel good about self, and be become an emotionally secure adult.

Case Example–Marie

In one case example, Marie was abused as a child by an uncle when she was in grade school. She wasn’t able to express her feelings or talk about the abuse to her parents. So she kept it inside even though it was bothering her. Her grades in elementary school were lower than usual, causing the teachers to complain to her parents. They yelled at Marie and blamed her for her poor grades. Marie was afraid and didn’t express her feelings to them. Her father became angry, and threatened to punish her if she continued to get poor grades. She didn’t get the support from her parents, which she really needed at that time. It affected her schoolwork and her grades continued to go down. But she continued to go to school, even though she was quiet and kept her feelings inside.

Marie’s Later Years

After Marie barely made it and graduated from high school, she began to know some of her peers who had access to drugs. She became influenced by the new peer and drug culture where many of her friends were on drugs. She first tried marijuana and then began to take more addicting and dangerous drugs. She began to have relationships with young men who were not considerate of women and only wanted casual sexual relations. Her relationships ended quickly only to go into another unstable relationship.

During Marie’s young adulthood when she was in her middle twenties and thirties she began to drink alcohol and even began to try heroin. This gave her temporary pleasure, which only ended in sad or depressed thoughts. Her depression worsened and her doctor prescribed antidepressants. Along with her depression she was addicted to alcohol. Her depression worsened and it was difficult for her to get a job or engage in a healthy social life. She lived alone but had intimate relations with a man who left her as soon as he got what they wanted.

A year later she became close to her daughter, but she wasn’t able to care for her. She placed her in the care of relatives. She went to another town and lived alone and depressed.

Depression and Life Satisfaction

Undoubtedly deep, chronic sadness or depression has serious consequences for the depressed person and the family. In Marie’s case she felt no meaning in her life and she didn’t see herself as worthwhile. Her self-esteem was chronically low and her depression worsened. She isolated herself from friends and family. She wasn’t happy with her life or herself.

Others need to be understanding and show empathy (not pity) for the depressed person. She or he needs to feel accepted by family, friends and others. Social support is important at this time in the depressed person’s life.

We can’t deny the imbalance in the brain that can affect the degree of depression. For instance, the neurotransmitter, serotonin, is in short supply–and the balance of neurons and neurotransmitters can have a devastating effect, which only increases the depressive symptoms. Some medication may be needed to make it more bearable for the patient.

However, the social and family conditions that I have mentioned play a major role in the causes, prevention, and outlook for depression.

In conclusion, parents need to be attuned to the needs of the child. They need to give love and support to the child from early childhood to the end of adolescence. This will have a positive effect on the young child’s development and prepare her for healthy development in adulthood.

Posted by mpanar
Filed in Depression, Healthy Lifestyle, Insecure Attachment, marriage and family
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Understanding the Cause of Avoidance in Marriage by Michael A. Panar

November 9, 2015

“I feel we are drifting apart from each other,” Daniel said.

Daniel was surprised to hear Cindy admit that there was a problem in their marriage. He thought everything was all right since she never complained before. He wasn’t happy in the marriage himself. He thought about it, but when he didn’t feel close to Cindy he would go to another room and read the same newspaper that he read in the morning. This is how he dealt with the underlying marital problem. He wanted to talk to Cindy, but it was easier to avoid her.

One Sunday morning, however, Daniel felt unhappy and wondered what he is doing in such an unhappy marriage. He thought it was not about Cindy. It was about the children, Stevie, 5 and Cherry, 8.  He couldn’t imagine abandoning the children. But everything was becoming unbearable, including getting up in the morning and finding Cindy unresponsive to his needs.

Daniel said, “Our communication over the last couple of years have been nonexistent. We never said much together or even argue. I would make it worse by not talking to Cindy and avoiding her when I came  home from work. But she didn’t seem to mind me avoiding her. She didn’t talk to me much either. We both were apart from each other even when we had dinner as a family.”

Cindy responded, “I guess I was as bad as Dan. I was unhappy but I never really told him how I felt. I felt frustrated. Dan never helped out much with our kids. I had to discipline them when they were misbehaving and he never seemed to care. He never wanted to talk to me and kept to himself. I was lonely but he never tried to comfort me, even when he knew I was depressed.”

Both Cindy and Daniel acknowledged withdrawal from each other. Neither spouse was happy in the marriage. But they couldn’t talk to each other. Daniel even withdrew from the children. He couldn’t relate to them. Cherry tried to get on his father’s lap but he just pushed her aside and said he was busy.

Cindy felt she had to give some attention to the children, because she had to provide for their basic needs. But she had problems in relating to Stevie and Cherry, unless they persisted in trying to get her attention. In the meantime, Cindy did what she had to do to provide for their needs.

Cindy felt resentful of not getting any help from Daniel. This made her very angry, but she kept her feelings inside. She couldn’t express her needs or feelings to him. But this festered even more in her mind, which caused her further stress.  Daniel seemed to be unaware of Cindy’s discontent. He assumed that being a mother she could handle the problems with the children.

As these problems became more entrenched in their relationship both spouses withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy was lacking and there wasn’t any emotional support.  Daniel would do some work around the house and Cindy became depressed. Neither were happy in the relationship.

Stevie and Cherry were being fed, but their emotional needs weren’t meant. Stevie became more difficult to handle. He would have more frequent tantrums, which tested the parents’ patience. Daniel became angrier and put Stevie in a lot of time-outs. He tested his dad’s patience with even louder tantrums.

In the meantime, Cindy became more depressed and wanted to be alone. Her communication with Daniel became almost non-existent.  Daniel comforted’ himself with various projects around the house. The couple continued to avoid each other.

Avoidance and Anxious Attachment

 Daniel’s Early Years

In this case, both Daniel and Cindy had insecure attachment from their own childhood, the avoidant type. For instance, Daniel’s father did not relate to him. His father often showed no love and he would often be too busy to relate to Daniel. When his father showed some interest he was impatient with him, and didn’t want to relate to him in a loving way. He would often lose his temper and Daniel would be afraid to say anything to him. This avoidance and anger continued through his childhood and adolescence.

Daniel’s mother didn’t show love to him. He often wanted support from his mother but he couldn’t turn to her for love or support. He had no one to turn to.

Cindy’s Early Years

Cindy needed the love and support from her mother, but she was too depressed to give her daughter any attention. Her thoughts would often ruminate in negative and sad ways. She was too busy thinking of the bad things in her own life, rather than paying attention to Cindy. Cindy needed support from her mother but it wasn’t available for her.

When Cindy tried to talk to her dad, he often lose his temper and expected her to help her mother with the household tasks. Cindy felt rejected and unloved.

Marriage and Family

Both Cindy and Daniel experienced rejection and avoidance during their childhood. Although they had different experiences they both were “anxiously attached.” This anxious attachment was then carried over into their own marriage and family. They even were avoiding each other without feeling a need for support from the other. They had no one to turn to. They needed each other’s love and support. Their anxious, avoidant behavior was entrenched and seemed the ‘normal’ type of behavior.

The Solution

The solution to this couple’s problems seemed to be difficult, if not impossible. There was no desire to solve the problems since they would have to change their stance in life and overcome their avoidant behaviors. Cindy would need to overcome her depression and change her ways of approaching Daniel. Avoiding Daniel only made matters worse. Communication became impossible. And she was not happy with her life.

Daniel had to be more loving and supportive of Cindy. He also needed to resolve his “anxious-avoidant” attachment and try to reach out to Cindy. He would need to be more family oriented and show interest in the children. He and Cindy would need to be involved with the children and enjoy this experience together.

There is a lot of work to do, but this couple can overcome some of their problems of anxious, avoidant attachment, and become more involved in their relationship–and in parenting. This is not an easy task, but it is possible to solve some of their problems of the past and to move forward into the future. There is always hope.

A Summary: A followup

In couple and individual sessions, the couple was able to work through their problems. They began to speak and listen to each other. Intimacy was enhanced. In family sessions they were involved in sessions with the children. Their intimacy and connection to each other and the children became more satisfying. The problems of avoidance and anxious attachment will not completely go away, but their relationship will continue to improve.  Their love will grow more deeper and spiritually.

Posted by mpanar
Filed in Anxious-Avoidant Attachment, Insecure Attachment, marriage and family, Parent and Child, relationships
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