Unexpected Changes in a Marriage Over Time by Michael A. Panar
August 22, 2018
Marriage in the beginning
Bob was married to Cindy for about four years and they were happy together. They shared many things together with a lot of happy times. Their love became stronger every year and they felt very much in love. It was a marriage made in Heaven, they felt.
But after four years things changed. They no loner felt the same for each other. Cindy became more distant from Bob. She would do her own thing and she was happy being by herself. She began to have other interests with women she could share her interests with. She was still faithful to her marriage and wanted children, and she did enjoy being with Bob. But each day the couple became more distant from each other. Cindy would do her own thing and Bob went to work and was very tired when he came home. When he did come home he didn’t say much to Cindy. He would eat the meal that Cindy cooked without saying a word and then would go to the Living Room to watch television. Very Little was said during that time. It was quiet but not peaceful.
Cindy was continuing to create distance between her and Bob, and this gave her some comfort. She didn’t feel the love that she once felt for him. But she wasn’t happy and became more sad and distant from Bob. She wasn’t happy at home. She would try to find comfort in her friends. But even though she liked being with her friends it wasn’t enjoyable as it used to be. But she still reached out to them for companionship. It temporarily relieved her sad mood and her loneliness in the marriage.
Bob Turns to Alcohol
Bob also changed from his feelings of love for Cindy. He no longer felt the same for her. His love for Cindy was once very strong and he wanted to be with her as much as possible. Recently When he came home from his job as a bus driver he wouldn’t say much and avoided being close to Cindy.
Cindy would just say a few words and would go to her room and read a magazine. There was silence in the room. Bob didn’t say much and would just ignore her.
Cindy often cried alone in the room and hoped that things would change in the marriage. She really loved Bob and they once had a very close relationship with each other. For some reason she never thought that their relationship would get this bad. Now she is unhappy in the marriage that she was once happy with.
Bob felt the same way. He never thought his marriage to Cindy would ever get this bad. He didn’t want this to happen to their marriage like this. But he turned to alcohol to give himself relief. He made some new friends when he went to the Bar and this gave him temporary relief from the problems at home. But when he came home from his escape from a dying marriage it was the same thing: Cindy would go to her room after she cooked dinner and Bob would go to his own room. There was silence in the night.
While Bob would escape with alcohol, Cindy would cry herself to sleep and the following day seek comfort from her women friends as much as she could.
A Closer Look at the Marriage
The couple were married for five years and it seemed to be a happy relationship in the beginning. They had dreams of a happy marriage with children in their lives. But communication between them was becoming more negative and distant. The closeness in their marriage dissipated without their awareness.
The couple began to grow further apart and there were a lot of silent times. But both Cindy
and Bob were unhappy. Bob kept a distance and soothed his mind with alcohol, which gave him only temporary relief from the unhappiness in the marriage. Cindy felt lonely at home, but only found temporary relief when she was with her women friends. The distance between the couple widened to the point that the problems between them became irreconcilable.
A marriage needs to be nurtured to prevent a problem like the marriage of Cindy and Bob. The first step is to talk with each other and disclose one’s feelings to the other. A couple would also need to talk about positive things in the relationship and share one’s desires and dreams.
It is also crucial to have full disclosure with each other to maintain the closeness with each other. And it’s important to emphasize positive communication and listen to each other’s needs and desires. Depending on friends or alcohol instead of working together as a couple only increases the emotional distance from each other.
Couple Make a New Commitment to Each Other
In conclusion, even though the marriage is in trouble it is still possible to resolve the problems in the relationship if there is a desire and a new commitment for each other. In this case the couple agreed to work on their relationship because they still love each other. Accepting therapy is the beginning of a new and positive change in the life of this couple if they make a commitment together.
Towards more Healthy Parenting by Michael A. Panar
July 20, 2018
Jamie was a well behaved child at thirteen, and her parents had high expectations for her. Her father, Steve, was strict and expected her to make high grades in school. Her mother, Monica, was rather indifferent and didn’t express her feelings, leaving it up to the father.
Jamie was expected to do perfectly in school and her “B” grades were not enough. When she came home with a “B” grade Steve would raise his voice and told her to study more. Jamie was afraid that he would become even more angry or violent.
Jamie could not respond because she feared her father would become even more angry. She couldn’t explain why she got a “B” in her report card. In her mind she thought Steve would be satisfied with her grades. But in her heart she felt he would only punish her and tell her to study. He was never satisfied with her efforts, she felt.
Steve said, “I’m sick of your attitude, Jamie! How do you expect to get into college with this attitude!” his face turning red.
Jamie’s mother, Monica, didn’t say anything out of fear that it would cause an argument, or end in violence. Positive communication between her parents were non-existent. But Jamie needed a more positive family life that would be more emotionally supportive. And Jamie needed her mother’s love and support more than ever.
Jamie’s parents didn’t say much to each other. When they did talk to each other it ended in a loud argument. Steve had a temper and when he was angry both Jamie and her mother were afraid to say anything. Healthy communication was impossible. The family atmosphere was negative and and in need of loving care.
If Jamie’s mother had feelings or emotions that were repressed or suppressed, and never expressed openly. It would only add to the conflict, and emotions would get out of control. Problems wouldn’t be resolved. The relationship between Monica and Steve was lacking in love and compassion.
Jamie felt she couldn’t talk about how she feels. She wanted to say how she is really trying in school and wants to have good grades. But she couldn’t express her feelings. She never disclosed her feelings and became more frustrated. She even didn’t like herself any more. She was sad afraid and kept all of her feelings inside.
Jamie wanted to talk to her father, but was afraid to express her feelings to him, fearing that he would yell or become violent. She gave up on her mother who was wrapped up in her own feelings of discontent. She had no one to talk to except her brother who was six years older, but wasn’t interested in getting involved.
A few months went by and the family was stuck with the problem. There wasn’t any change and Steve became more frustrated and angry. Steve concluded that Jamie was not doing well in school and there wasn’t any hope for her. When Jamie’s brother talked to her he would become even more angry. He would continue to lose his temper, and Jamie shed tears that made him even more angry.
Monica became more depressed and emotionally withdrew from the family and Jamie.
This made Steve even more upset with her. But he would only turn his anger on Jamie, who was not doing better in school.
Conclusion and Assessment of the Family
Jamie is in the first year of high school and she was looking forward to making new friends during her first year. She also was beginning to like school more than ever and wanted to make good grades. But she felt alienated and distant from her father. Jamie wanted his his support and confidence. But, instead, she became afraid of him and worried that he would become violent. She wanted support from her mother but her mother was too depressed to be supportive and loving.
This family expressed dismissive behavior in their relationship with their daughter. There was also a lack of love and support. Dismissive behavior was mostly manifested by the father who never acknowledged his daughter’s feelings and her desire to succeed in school. Family therapy would be recommended to change the pathological dynamics of the family.