The Child Needs Love and Discipline to Feel Safe and Secure
October 22, 2012
Mary Ann states, “I’m planning to be a parent, and I heard a lot about what a good parent should be. Some people think a parent should be a strong disciplinarian. Others say you should give love and not emphasize the discipline. The different ideas of parenting are confusing to me.”
Both positions are correct if they are together. Competent parenting includes love and discipline. Family research has shown that “authoritative” parenting is the most effective approach. It involves discipline and love that complement each other.
When you discipline your child, you need to be consistent and firm–but not harsh. You should be able to explain to the child the type of discipline you are giving, and the reason for it. It should be explained and talked about, but not yelled about.
In addition, physical punishment really is not as effective as taking away some of the things the child wants—or saying “no” to an activity the child desires. Physical punishment may even cause a backlash: The child learns that violence is appropriate. So it is important to use other forms of discipline: such as withholding something the child wants, or using a more positive approach of providing appropriate rewards for good behavior.
Along with consistent and reasonable discipline, the child needs nurturing. The child needs to know that you love and accept her. The love needs to be expressed directly to the child. An example is Teddy’s father, Joe, who is a very strict disciplinarian. Joe says, “I was brought up in a strict home. My father was in control of the house and everyone had to listen to him. If I violated his rules he would be angry and hit me. He wasn’t abusive. He just wanted me to listen.”
Joe carried out this same discipline in his own family. “I’m not going to let Teddy get away with anything. He’s thirteen and starting to ‘act out.’ I’m not going to put up with that!”
Teddy’s behavior hasn’t changed, but in front of his father he seems well-behaved. When his father is not home he hits his younger brother and yells at his mother. He is also starting to misbehave in school. His school grades have plummeted and the teachers are starting to lose patience. But fear of his father has increased. When he is with his father he seems docile.
In this situation Joe believes in harsh punishment. He will resort to physical punishment when necessary. But Teddy listens to his father when he is present, but in his absence he reacts angrily. Teddy’s fear of his father is effective in controlling his behavior, as long as Joe is present.
In this example, Joe is an “authoritarian” parent, a parent who believes and enacts harsh punishments. This type of parent can’t express loving feelings to the child. The child is surrounded by rules. The parent may love the child but it’s not expressed. And the child is in constant fear. The child may suppress his “bad” behavior in front of the parent, but in other surroundings he will unleash his anger towards other
Therefore the best approach is to provide love and nurturing from the time the child is an infant through adolescence; this will cultivate a secure attachment for the child. Her self-esteem and self-confidence would be enhanced.
Essentially, providing love and discipline (authoritative parenting) is a healthy parenting stance. Love and discipline are clearly expressed to your child. Positive discipline– or providing suitable rewards for good behavior–is a crucial ingredient. You will help your child feel safe and secure–providing secure attachment. The child will reap the benefits, even into adulthood.
There is Hope for Depression
October 11, 2012
Stacey says, “When I’m depressed I can’t do anything. It makes me feel miserable. I don’t pay attention to my six and ten year old daughters, and I can’t do anything around the house. When I go to work at the department store, I can’t keep my mind on the job. I keep feeling incompetent at home and at work. Problems in my marriage also didn’t help.”
Negative Thoughts and Feelings
Depression occurs when you feel helpless and hopeless. You feel that everything is going wrong in your life, and you can only ‘see’ these hopeless thoughts in your mind. Soon, these negative thoughts and feelings take over your everyday life, and there is nothing else in your life. Eventually these negative thoughts become “automatic” and come to you anytime during the day, and are pervasive when you are trying to get some sleep. Your length of sleep is shortened, and you can become sleep deprived. The next day, it doesn’t get better and the automatic, negative thoughts continue through the day. Like Stacey, this prevents you from doing the things you want to do during the course of the day.
Changes in the Brain
Depression, of course, can be caused by any type of experiences in your life, such as: the death of a loved one, very low self-worth, accidents, a major crisis, health problems, heartbreak, and marital distress. These experiences can set off very sad and negative thoughts that don’t easily go away. They will also result in changes in the brain, such as lowering the neurotransmitter, serotonin–and triggering the hypothalamus to turn on the pituitary gland. Stress homones are produced from the pituitary gland (at the base of the brain)–which stimulate the adrenal glands to produce the stress hormone cortisol. Thus the proliferating, negative thoughts changes the brain and the chemistry of the body.
Marital Distress
If you have similar problems as Stacey, you are confronted with a lot of issues. But at the core of Stacey’s problem is the relationship. Over the years, Stacey’s connection with her husband, Tom, became increasingly distant. She felt alone and lonely in the marriage. Eventually this bothered her incessantly, and negative, automatic thoughts and feelings ran through her mind. It was so troubling that it affected her relationship with her children, and performance on her job. She had a lot of sleepless nights, which affected her overall health.
You may have different issues than Stacey, but the effect can be the same: having numerous negative feelings that affect you at home, work, or in the world.
Resolving the Problem
The first step is to resolve the primary problem: In Stacey’s situation she would need to discern whether the problems in the marriage can be resolved. You would need to look at your own life and know what has happened, such as low self-worth, death of a loved one, loneliness, a crisis, health problem, or adversity. It is helpful to recognize the initial event. After you’ve done this, ‘watch’ the negative thoughts or feelings running through your mind. ‘Look’ at them separately as they pass through the mind’s ‘eye.’ Learn from them and then ‘let go.’ Do this as a daily mindfulness practice. Then begin to breathe deeply, in and out, until you feel peaceful and relaxed. Practice this exercise any time during the day.
Sometimes it will be helpful to attend counseling sessions to work through the problem: Cognitive therapy sessions can help you to change your thoughts to positive or more rational ones. Couple counseling may help you and your partner to resolve issues in the relationship. Grief counseling may help you through the grieving process. Focusing on the initial event that precipitated the depression can be beneficial.
Mindful Meditation
Finally, you can work on your depressed throught on your own, through focusing and accepting these thoughts– and then letting them flow away. You can practice breathing exercises. There are other things you can do: walking meditation; mindfulness on an object in the house, or in nature; being mindful of the chores and tasks you do daily; and just being mindful (or meditate) on your own mind and thoughts–“with acceptance.”
Depression doesn’t have to be a hopeless condition or disorder. There is a way out of this seemingly fettered situation, and life can have a new meaning for you. A new beginning is at the other side of the ‘rainbow.’