Towards more Healthy Parenting by Michael A. Panar
July 20, 2018
Jamie was a well behaved child at thirteen, and her parents had high expectations for her. Her father, Steve, was strict and expected her to make high grades in school. Her mother, Monica, was rather indifferent and didn’t express her feelings, leaving it up to the father.
Jamie was expected to do perfectly in school and her “B” grades were not enough. When she came home with a “B” grade Steve would raise his voice and told her to study more. Jamie was afraid that he would become even more angry or violent.
Jamie could not respond because she feared her father would become even more angry. She couldn’t explain why she got a “B” in her report card. In her mind she thought Steve would be satisfied with her grades. But in her heart she felt he would only punish her and tell her to study. He was never satisfied with her efforts, she felt.
Steve said, “I’m sick of your attitude, Jamie! How do you expect to get into college with this attitude!” his face turning red.
Jamie’s mother, Monica, didn’t say anything out of fear that it would cause an argument, or end in violence. Positive communication between her parents were non-existent. But Jamie needed a more positive family life that would be more emotionally supportive. And Jamie needed her mother’s love and support more than ever.
Jamie’s parents didn’t say much to each other. When they did talk to each other it ended in a loud argument. Steve had a temper and when he was angry both Jamie and her mother were afraid to say anything. Healthy communication was impossible. The family atmosphere was negative and and in need of loving care.
If Jamie’s mother had feelings or emotions that were repressed or suppressed, and never expressed openly. It would only add to the conflict, and emotions would get out of control. Problems wouldn’t be resolved. The relationship between Monica and Steve was lacking in love and compassion.
Jamie felt she couldn’t talk about how she feels. She wanted to say how she is really trying in school and wants to have good grades. But she couldn’t express her feelings. She never disclosed her feelings and became more frustrated. She even didn’t like herself any more. She was sad afraid and kept all of her feelings inside.
Jamie wanted to talk to her father, but was afraid to express her feelings to him, fearing that he would yell or become violent. She gave up on her mother who was wrapped up in her own feelings of discontent. She had no one to talk to except her brother who was six years older, but wasn’t interested in getting involved.
A few months went by and the family was stuck with the problem. There wasn’t any change and Steve became more frustrated and angry. Steve concluded that Jamie was not doing well in school and there wasn’t any hope for her. When Jamie’s brother talked to her he would become even more angry. He would continue to lose his temper, and Jamie shed tears that made him even more angry.
Monica became more depressed and emotionally withdrew from the family and Jamie.
This made Steve even more upset with her. But he would only turn his anger on Jamie, who was not doing better in school.
Conclusion and Assessment of the Family
Jamie is in the first year of high school and she was looking forward to making new friends during her first year. She also was beginning to like school more than ever and wanted to make good grades. But she felt alienated and distant from her father. Jamie wanted his his support and confidence. But, instead, she became afraid of him and worried that he would become violent. She wanted support from her mother but her mother was too depressed to be supportive and loving.
This family expressed dismissive behavior in their relationship with their daughter. There was also a lack of love and support. Dismissive behavior was mostly manifested by the father who never acknowledged his daughter’s feelings and her desire to succeed in school. Family therapy would be recommended to change the pathological dynamics of the family.
Steve gets angry a lot and doesn’t know how to control his emotions. “I try to control my anger but there is always something that makes me mad. Recently a friend of mine didn’t call me and I was very angry. I felt like calling him and telling him how I feel. But then I was able to stop before picking up the phone. It was really hard to do.”
Steve said that he was always upset when his father never understood him. He felt his father never loved him. “I still feel angry to this day. My dad never really cared about me. This is how I felt, and I’m still mad about it even to this day.”
When Steve felt out-of-control he would drink a bottle of beer and then another. This seemed to relieve his emotions. But it only returned and he found something else to be angry about. And then he had vivid images of his father’s ire towards him. He felt unloved and desperately needed his father’s love. But now as an adult he felt it was hopeless and he would always feel this way. His anger seemed to have control over him.
Anger affects Job
Steve has a good paying job driving a truck. He is a good worker but often loses his temper when a co-worker aggravates him. Sometimes he got into an argument that could easily get out-of-control. “I really need this job,” Steve said. “And I need the money!” But his job was in jeopardy every time he became angry.
In a fit of anger Steve raised his voice: “The only way I can solve this problem is to take a few drinks. This calms me down and I can be friendly with the other workers.”
However, Steve understood this was not the best solution. The only thing his drinking does is to suppress his emotions of anger. It doesn’t take it away. His anger is suppressed until another day. But he is still angry inside with angry thoughts running through his mind. And when these angry thoughts come out again it becomes worse than before. Eventually he understood that the anger doesn’t just go away. It only festers until it ‘explodes.’ It becomes a “dance of anger.”
Further Insight into His Emotions
In therapy, Steve began to look at his emotions more closely. He began to understand how his thoughts and feelings affect his behavior. It all began in his family when his father expressed anger towards him. At that time he couldn’t control the situation. He was a child who felt helpless. He couldn’t express his feelings to his father because of his father’s anger. He was afraid, although he never admitted that he was fearful of his father. Steve said, “I couldn’t tell my dad how I felt. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway. And I guess I was afraid.”
As an adult he had problems in his relationships. He would often lose his temper when he disagreed with his partner. He had one relationship after another. He became more frustrated. He desperately wanted a satisfying relationship but it never happened. He became angry with himself and gave up looking for a date with anyone. His anger was more within, and became more directed towards himself.
Attachment Problem
As a consequence of his father’s chronic anger and rejection of Steve. He lacked secure attachment in his childhood. His father was in control and never expressed any love for him. His mother was silent and was afraid to say anything, fearful that it would cause an argument.
Steve’s father was dismissive of him. Besides not showing affection for his son, he dismissed his son’s feelings. Steve was not permitted to express how he felt. His feelings didn’t matter. As an adult, Steve never accepted other people’s feelings. This caused problems in his relationships and friendships. He tried one relationship after another. Or he would soothe himself with alcohol which only numbed him.
Steve Seeks Therapy
Steve was never interested in therapy. He always pictured himself as an independent person who can solve his own problems. But he was so unhappy that he knew he had to resolve his problems in his relationships. He always hoped that he could love someone and have a relationship made in “heaven.” Eventually he decided to change his life for the better.
He called for an appointment and discussed his problems of anger– and the things that sets him off. He dealt with his problems of insecure attachment and his father’s behavior He tended to dismiss a partner’s feelings and emotions, which often caused trouble in his relationships. Often he thought he was right and the partner was wrong. His anger escalated until his partner couldn’t take it anymore.
Steve said when he became angry it tended to escalate beyond his control. This was the beginning of the end of a relationship. But he always blamed the partner for his anger. The anger became perpetual and he couldn’t turn off his emotions. It became a “dance of anger” in his relationships. After the dissolution of every relationship he felt loneliness and regret.
Emotions Behind the Anger
As Steve discussed his feelings and emotions he began to understand his thoughts of resentment, and feelings towards his father. These emotions didn’t go away once he became an adult. It just festered within. He began misusing alcohol but it didn’t help him. His anger continued to come back to haunt him. Alcohol seemed to be the solution, but it was only covering up the pain that he felt as a child, and now as an adult. But now there is good news: Steve wants to solve his problems with his suppressed feelings of the past, and problems in his relationships. He is on the ‘road’ to recovery.