Jane says, “I always believed a parent should spank a child for misbehaving, but I don’t think it’s right. My husband, Jim, says I shouldn’t spank Todd, who will turn eleven in October. We always argue about this, and it’s causing me stress.”
Discuss Discipline with the Other Parent
Frequently, parents will disagree on the type of discipline that is appropriate for a child. Therefore it’s important that you and your partner talk about this even before a child is born. Listen to each other and understand how the other partner feels about it. Then both of you should look up the current research on the appropriate discipline. On another day, you and the other parent should talk and listen to each other again. Hopefully you will come to a mutually agreed decision through listening and exploring the current recommendations from your research.
The first step is to be willing to talk about this issue together, although you may disagree. Talking and listening, while looking at the current evidence, is a healthy way of relating with each other. It prevents quarrels that often get out-of-control. And hopefully it will lead to a mutually satisfying agreement. Of course, the final decision depends on the flexibility of the parents, and the willingness to change one’s point-of-view based on the evidence.
The Parents’ Own Background
Difficulties, however, can arise if one parent was abused as a child or witnessed a lot of arguments between his or her parents, especially during early and middle childhood. This traumatic experience can have a devastating effect that can linger way into adulthood. So it’s important to explore one’s own childhood experiences, and how it now affects your parenting role. In some of these situations, you may need to attend counseling sessions to resolve these unresolved problems from your childhood.
Appropriate Discipline
Now let’s explore some of the appropriate ways of disciplining your child: The first step is to be aware of the child’s developmental age, — not the child’s calendar age. To do this you would need to know and understand your child, such as: his or her abilities, understanding and intelligence, . Counseling sessions may help you understand your child’s development.
That being said, I will discuss some of the best ways to discipline the child. I go in more detail in my book, Create A Healthy Lifestyle, on relationships and the social self. But in this article, I will outline a few thoughts:
First, it’s important to perceive your child’s good qualities. When you can fully accept and love your child you will be open to more constructive ways of disciplining. You will also be more flexible with your discipline and be attuned to the child’s development. You will be able to discuss with the other parent your feelings on how you want to discipline the child. These are all positive attributes that will help you in being a more effective parent.
When you can see your child’s good qualities it is easier to express your love for the child. The child will receive the message that you love her. It will help the child to feel good, and behave well. It will reinforce your good feelings about your child. It is a positive and loving spiral. Finally, the best discipline combines love with ‘withdrawal of reward’; there are not harsh punishments, spanking, or criticism of the child. Instead, constructive discipline withdraws reward (or some of the things a child wants) for misbehavior, while at the same time expressing your love and concern for the child. The essence is: The child understands the reason for being punished while being aware of your unconditional love.
Conclusion
If you understand your child’s development, and send messages of unconditional love, you are more likely to be successful in disciplining your child. But first you need to understand your own inclinations of punishing or disciplining– and to be able to have a mutual consensus with the other parent. Both of you need to be on the same ‘page.’ Your child will reap the benefits– and feel safe and loved. Discipline will be appropriate and effective. You will have a healthy parent and child relationship.