Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

“I feel we are drifting apart from each other,” Daniel said.

Daniel was surprised to hear Cindy admit that there was a problem in their marriage. He thought everything was all right since she never complained before. He wasn’t happy in the marriage himself. He thought about it, but when he didn’t feel close to Cindy he would go to another room and read the same newspaper that he read in the morning. This is how he dealt with the underlying marital problem. He wanted to talk to Cindy, but it was easier to avoid her.

One Sunday morning, however, Daniel felt unhappy and wondered what he is doing in such an unhappy marriage. He thought it was not about Cindy. It was about the children, Stevie, 5 and Cherry, 8.  He couldn’t imagine abandoning the children. But everything was becoming unbearable, including getting up in the morning and finding Cindy unresponsive to his needs.

Daniel said, “Our communication over the last couple of years have been nonexistent. We never said much together or even argue. I would make it worse by not talking to Cindy and avoiding her when I came  home from work. But she didn’t seem to mind me avoiding her. She didn’t talk to me much either. We both were apart from each other even when we had dinner as a family.”

Cindy responded, “I guess I was as bad as Dan. I was unhappy but I never really told him how I felt. I felt frustrated. Dan never helped out much with our kids. I had to discipline them when they were misbehaving and he never seemed to care. He never wanted to talk to me and kept to himself. I was lonely but he never tried to comfort me, even when he knew I was depressed.”

Both Cindy and Daniel acknowledged withdrawal from each other. Neither spouse was happy in the marriage. But they couldn’t talk to each other. Daniel even withdrew from the children. He couldn’t relate to them. Cherry tried to get on his father’s lap but he just pushed her aside and said he was busy.

Cindy felt she had to give some attention to the children, because she had to provide for their basic needs. But she had problems in relating to Stevie and Cherry, unless they persisted in trying to get her attention. In the meantime, Cindy did what she had to do to provide for their needs.

Cindy felt resentful of not getting any help from Daniel. This made her very angry, but she kept her feelings inside. She couldn’t express her needs or feelings to him. But this festered even more in her mind, which caused her further stress.  Daniel seemed to be unaware of Cindy’s discontent. He assumed that being a mother she could handle the problems with the children.

As these problems became more entrenched in their relationship both spouses withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy was lacking and there wasn’t any emotional support.  Daniel would do some work around the house and Cindy became depressed. Neither were happy in the relationship.

Stevie and Cherry were being fed, but their emotional needs weren’t meant. Stevie became more difficult to handle. He would have more frequent tantrums, which tested the parents’ patience. Daniel became angrier and put Stevie in a lot of time-outs. He tested his dad’s patience with even louder tantrums.

In the meantime, Cindy became more depressed and wanted to be alone. Her communication with Daniel became almost non-existent.  Daniel comforted’ himself with various projects around the house. The couple continued to avoid each other.

Avoidance and Anxious Attachment

 Daniel’s Early Years

In this case, both Daniel and Cindy had insecure attachment from their own childhood, the avoidant type. For instance, Daniel’s father did not relate to him. His father often showed no love and he would often be too busy to relate to Daniel. When his father showed some interest he was impatient with him, and didn’t want to relate to him in a loving way. He would often lose his temper and Daniel would be afraid to say anything to him. This avoidance and anger continued through his childhood and adolescence.

Daniel’s mother didn’t show love to him. He often wanted support from his mother but he couldn’t turn to her for love or support. He had no one to turn to.

Cindy’s Early Years

Cindy needed the love and support from her mother, but she was too depressed to give her daughter any attention. Her thoughts would often ruminate in negative and sad ways. She was too busy thinking of the bad things in her own life, rather than paying attention to Cindy. Cindy needed support from her mother but it wasn’t available for her.

When Cindy tried to talk to her dad, he often lose his temper and expected her to help her mother with the household tasks. Cindy felt rejected and unloved.

Marriage and Family

Both Cindy and Daniel experienced rejection and avoidance during their childhood. Although they had different experiences they both were “anxiously attached.” This anxious attachment was then carried over into their own marriage and family. They even were avoiding each other without feeling a need for support from the other. They had no one to turn to. They needed each other’s love and support. Their anxious, avoidant behavior was entrenched and seemed the ‘normal’ type of behavior.

The Solution

The solution to this couple’s problems seemed to be difficult, if not impossible. There was no desire to solve the problems since they would have to change their stance in life and overcome their avoidant behaviors. Cindy would need to overcome her depression and change her ways of approaching Daniel. Avoiding Daniel only made matters worse. Communication became impossible. And she was not happy with her life.

Daniel had to be more loving and supportive of Cindy. He also needed to resolve his “anxious-avoidant” attachment and try to reach out to Cindy. He would need to be more family oriented and show interest in the children. He and Cindy would need to be involved with the children and enjoy this experience together.

There is a lot of work to do, but this couple can overcome some of their problems of anxious, avoidant attachment, and become more involved in their relationship–and in parenting. This is not an easy task, but it is possible to solve some of their problems of the past and to move forward into the future. There is always hope.

A Summary: A followup

In couple and individual sessions, the couple was able to work through their problems. They began to speak and listen to each other. Intimacy was enhanced. In family sessions they were involved in sessions with the children. Their intimacy and connection to each other and the children became more satisfying. The problems of avoidance and anxious attachment will not completely go away, but their relationship will continue to improve.  Their love will grow more deeper and spiritually.