Listening Begins in the Family
It is in the family that you can learn to listen to another’s thoughts and feelings. Parents need to cultivate this skill from early childhood through adolescence–and they need to be role models. Parents can’t just tell the child to listen; they need to show it in their own behavior. They need to listen to the child’s needs, according to the developmental age of the child. So it’s important that the parent understands something about human behavior and child development. Parents also need to continue to practice on their own listening skills. It won’t be perfect. But it is a challenge that can be achieved.
The Art of Listening
Jennifer never learned to listen to another person. During her childhood she was often ignored and felt worthless. She says, “My parents never really paid attention to me. I think I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family. I had to do my own thing since my parents never showed me any love. I always felt bad about myself.”
Eventually Jennifer did her ‘own thing’ and was drawn into drugs and alcohol. Of course, Jennifer’s case is extreme, but this demonstrates the importance of listening in family life–beginning with the parents. Most of us, however, can always improve our listening skills. We can always become better listeners by becoming more empathic, and learning the skills needed be be better listeners. Essentially, listening is an art that can be further nurtured and cultivated.
Therefore every person will have differing skills in listening. Some may be able to do it well. Others, partly because of what they learned in childhood and adolescence, may have some difficulties in expressing empathetic listening. Still others may have a more difficult time, like Jennifer, in learning to listen well. But no matter where you are along this scale, you can always improve your listening skills. You can always be a better listener.
The first step is to understand your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Anger and depression, for instance, prevents you from listening well to another person. When you are angry there is inner tensions of the body, inner irritation and even disgust, which eventually make you “explode” in a fit of anger. At this moment you are unable to be calm enough to listen to that individual. The emotion of anger is controlling you.
In the same way depression is upsetting you so much that you don’t want to listen to another. You are so absorbed in self-blame or worry that you are unable to pay attention to another person. The emotions of being depressed is all consuming that you can’t focus on anything else.
In essence, it is important to ‘listen’ to your own thoughts and feelings, whether you are angry, depressed, or unable to listen for other reasons. Understanding the feelings beneath your emotions is an important step in controlling your own emotions, and being able to listen to a friend, work partner, acquaintance, your partner or spouse.
Once you are able to reflect on your feelings and emotions, you will be able to develop your skills in listening. Here are some of the steps in listening and speaking:
Steps in Learning to Listen and Speak
1) Practice with a family member, or someone you know well. Let the other person express his or her feelings, while you just listen carefully, without interrupting. When the other person is done speaking, look directly into that person’s eyes with the intention of understanding the feelings that were just expressed.
2) The next step is to reflect back those feelings that were expressed. Reflect while using your own words, and with the intention of trying to understand the thoughts and feelings conveyed. Never express your own thoughts and feelings at this stage.
3) At this point, stop and wait for the person to confirm that you are correct in your reflection.
4) If you have listened to the satisfaction of the listener, it is now your turn to express your feelings to that person, doing the same thing. You are now the speaker or expresser. Express your own feelings and desires without blaming the other person (who is now the listener).
You can practice these skills as often as you want, while letting the other person do the same. You can also practice it with other people as the situation requires. But remember, the parties involved must be willing to do this as a practice session. There also has to be a mutual caring for each other.
Learning these skills in the beginning will seem artificial, but as it becomes a normal pattern of relating, listening in this way will seem as natural as a gentle breeze.
Mindfulness and the Art of Listening
If you want to be a good listener, and have healthier relationship, mindfulness practice will help you. In my book, Create a Healthy Style (www.michaelpanar.com) I discuss in two chapters the ‘secrets’ of developing healthy relationships. In the book I also discuss meditation, mindfulness, loving-kindness and self-compassion. Mindfulness and spiritual growth can further enhance your listening skills.
I believe as you become more spiritual and practice self-compassion and compassion for another you will feel at one with your partner or friend. As you do this it is more likely that the other person will want to listen to you. In the Buddhist tradition, in addition to compassion (which is not pity but caring for the other), Loving-Kindness to yourself and the other person will strengthen your bond together. It will take practice, but as it becomes a part of you and your connection to the other, your spiritual bond will grow.
It is important, therefore, to be attuned to the needs and feelings of your partner or friend, and complement it with a spiritual connection. The rays of love will flow through one another.
Conclusion
Even though you didn’t have a childhood that was loving or safe it is still possible to cultivate your listening skills, and improve your relationships. You can further enhance your connections with your partner or friend through a spiritual connection that would enrich your social bond to a more spiritual level. It may be more difficult depending on the degree of your “secure attachment” in your childhood and adolescence. But don’t give up. Practice listening and enhance your spirituality. Eventually, the light of your love will be manifested in your relationships.