Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Linda says, “I don’t know what happened to us after being married five years, but Steve and I talked about our relationship; and we both feel that our feelings for each other is not there anymore.  We talked about it but we don’t know what happened to us. I don’t feel we love each other anymore. And Steve said he’s doesn’t love me as he once did.  I feel bad since Valentine Day is this month.  I feel bad because I’m losing my soulmate!  Linda began to cry as she tried hard to hold back her tears.

When One Partner Falls Out-of-Love

In most situations, like Linda’s, one spouse falls out-of-love while the other one still has feelings of love.  In these cases the spouse who still loves the partner is hurt the most because the other one doesn’t care anymore.  It becomes a one-sided problem: The one who loves the partner senses a deep loss–and feels rejected.  The spouse who fell out-of-love doesn’t care, or is having (or had) an affair with someone else.  It is important in these cases to help the spouse who has been rejected, unless the other partner is willing to work on the relationship.

Working on Commitment

There is good news: Whether both partners fell out-of-love (or just one partner) the love that was lost can be restored.  But it requires a commitment to want to talk with each other and make it happen.

It is important to look in the past of the positive and loving experiences you had with your partner.  At this point, don’t talk about the problems you now have.  Think of all of the lovely experiences you once had.  Think of what your partner did for you in a loving way. Share the specific things that you did together–that he or she did for you.  Talk about it, experience it,  and feel it together!  Continue to do this assignment until you’re both convinced that you are satisfied with the results, and with each other.

Remember, don’t discuss the problems you now have in the present.  Focus only on the wonderful experiences that you once shared together.

Discuss the Problems and Form a New Contract

Once you have discussed those past experiences, and you both agree on the mutual commitment you once shared, you are now ready to look at the things that went wrong. It is important to agree to discuss these problems without blaming each other.  Discuss your desires, and express what you want from the partner; and your partner can do the same.  Think of this stage in this way:  Developing a new “Contract” with each other that will be mutually  satisfying.

The Stage of Love

Now you are ready to talk about your feelings for each other, from the time that you first met. Share these feelings with each other.  Look at your partner, and see him or her as the same person you first met.  Think of the things you did together, and see the same “person” in the person you are talking to now.  You are ready to express loving feeling towards each other– and express these feelings with gestures of love, hugs, kisses, and loving touches.  Do these exercises until you both feel a mutual love for each other.

Conclusion

What I discussed are just the basics. Many couples will need to attend couple counseling sessions to work on difficult issues.  In these cases, both partners need to be committed to want to work on the problems.  Don’t let anger, blame, rejection, and a lack of trust prevent you from working on the issues in the relationship.  Be open-minded and non-judgmental. Be patient, and communicate your wants, needs and desires with each other.

Fortunately,  “You can create the love you want.”  As we discussed, begin with some of these steps: Discuss commitment; think of the partner you once were attracted to; discuss the problems objectively without blaming each other; and focus on restoring the love that was lost.  In essence, you can create a “new love” for each other that is mutually satisfying in the present–and will prepare you and your partner for the future.

Jane and her husband Tim decided to work on their marital problems. They were married four years ago in a wedding where they felt they found their soulmate.  Tim began to talk first, but he really was reluctant to come in and was anxious to leave. “She doesn’t care about what I think and does whatever she wants. I try to talk to her but she’s not interested in anything I have to say. I tell her about my work and all of my frustrations on my job in sales, but she’s not interested in anything I have to say.” At this point, Tim lowered his head towards the floor and seemed ready to walk out of the room.

Jane didn’t want to look at Tim, and seemed not interested in anything that he said.  But then sne blurted out: “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tim, but you don’t care what I think.  You never show any interest in me and you don’t pay attention to anything I say!” Jane was furious, and she wanted to continue the ‘attack.” She was waiting for him to say something. But now there was an eerie silence in the room.

The couple is drifting apart, and there is a greater emotional distance between them.  It seems that they no longer have anything in common.  And they didn’t want to be here.  They would rather be miles apart at this moment.

After four years of marriage Jane and Tim have stopped being supportive of each other.  They didn’t talk with each other in a loving and supportive way since the first year together.  Jane  and Tim have been going their separate ways for at least two years.  They were both angry and unhappy in the relationship.  They don’t share a partnership together.  Intimacy is lacking.  They are strangers in the same house.  They could no longer provide support for each other.

The only way that this couple can resolve the problem and to be more supportive of each other, is to create a new partnership that would be supportive to both of their needs.  This will require a lot of work, and working on new communication skills.  But they can’t do this unless they feel a commitment toward each other.  Fortunately in this case the couple decided to work on their problems and to learn to be more caring and supportive of each other.  There is hope for this relationship.

Supportive Communication is Healthy

Supportive communication is the path towards mutual bonding of a couple that is responsive to the needs of the other.  Both partners are attuned to the other’s needs.  There is a good feeling of love between each other.  Unsupportive communication engenders negative emotions in both spouses.  These negative emotions can affect the health of the individuals. The immune and endocrine systems of the body get out of control  and produce stress hormones, such as cortisone.  The body’s health is in jeopardy, with the potential of causing physical conditions, such as arthritis, cancer, and cardiovascular disease, among others.  The emotional health of the couple is also endangered with possibilities of depression or anxiety.  Therefore unsupportive communication not only wrecks the relationship, but is dangerous to one’s overall health.

In essence, improving or preventing problems in the marriage will help you to feel love again.  Your communication will be more supportive.  Love will be expressed. You will be healthier.  You will no longer just be ‘married’:  You will be partners!