LIFE CAN BE WORTH LIVING by Michael A. Panar
January 21, 2013
Anna never felt good about herself. She thought that when she became thirty she would have the good life, and have a high self-esteem. She says, “I thought I would feel better about myself at this time in my life. But I feel worse.”
Ann feels it began in her childhood. She felt her mother was not there when she needed emotional support. This did not make her react and become rebellious. Instead it made her more dependent, as she unconsciously yearned for her parents’ approval.
During her teenage years she needed her mother even more. She would try to talk to her, but she would never have the opportunity to disclose her feelings. She felt rejected.
Anna never recovered from this rejection. She craved support and love from her husband. She felt inadequate in her job as a sales person. Although she was only thirty, she felt older than her years.
Fortunately Anna was interested in coming in for counseling. She worked on her problems through cognitive therapy, where she expressed her thoughts and feelings about herself, and learned how to work on changing them to more positive and rational ones. This required high motivation and effort. And she felt better about herself after four months of counseling.
Essentially, counseling can help you to understand and change the thoughts that could be destructive to your health and well-being. Complementing therapy with meditation and mindfulness can prevent you from going back to those unhealthy thoughts. You will feel happy about yourself, and more confident at home and at work. Life will be worth living!
OPTIMISM AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ENHANCE QUALITY AND LENGTH OF LIFE BY MICHAEL A. PANAR
January 10, 2013
New research reveals that laughter, optimism, and fulfilling relationships increase the chances for a longer and productive life. A positive attitude about life is a healthy approach and may increase longevity. Now, there is some evidence that a byproduct of Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives one pleasure, may have qualities that may engender longevity in humans. Dopamine, by itself, gives a person rewards that induces pleasure. Dopamine is also generated when one is on drugs or alcohol, which gives one pleasure, while at the same time harming the body. But this byproduct of Dopamine, a healthy effect on the body, is produced naturally through laughter, optimism, and satisfying, fulfilling relationships. Of course, more research is needed to understand the association between dopamine, happy relationships– and longevity, itself.
However it is comforting to know that you can have a healthier life through the type of relationships that you encourage in your personal life. I devote two chapters in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, to healthy relationships, and healthy relationships in the family. I describe the differences in toxic versus healthy relationships, and how to nurture and cultivate healthy connections with others. So, even if we don’t have all of the evidence on longevity, we know that healthy relationships will improve the quality of your life. It will positively affect health of body, mind, and spirit.
Jeannie and Dave
Jeannie wanted to have a fulfilling relationship in her marriage– and with her friends. But she was handicapped by her negative experiences in her family of origin. “My dad didn’t show any love to me and he criticised me a lot,” Jeannie said, with tears ‘flooding’ her eyes.
I tried to understand what she was going through, but all I could do was to listen empathically to her feelings. At this time, this is what she needed: Someone who really understood how she felt.
I encouraged her to have her husband come in a session with her. I felt it was important that they begin to communicate with each other, while I would try to elicit the feelings or desires that were important to work on. In two weeks, Jeannie came with Dave to the next session. He was a reclusive type of guy, not saying much, as he walked reluctantly in the session. Jeannie hurriedly said, “Dave, you can’t continue to ignore me. My dad did this all during my childhood, and now you’re doing the same to me! I can’t bear it anymore!” Again, her eyes were filled with tears, causing a stream to flow down her face. Jeannie couldn’t bear to look at Dave, as she turned her face away from him.
Dave was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what was going on in her mind, because she never expressed her feelings openly to him–and he never cared to know. She had kept everything inside for a long time, five years into her marriage. Dave gazed directly at her and said, somewhat angrily, “I never knew you were unhappy! I wish you would’ve told me.” He was a man of a few words, as an uneasy silence filled the room. Then Jeannie turned around and stared into his eyes. “I thought you knew I wasn’t happy!” She tried to hold back her tears as Dave reached out to hug her. At this moment, there was a turning point in their relationship. Of course this is only the beginning of the work they needed to do to improve their marriage. But it is the first step!
This couple needed something to jolt them into changing their way of relating to each other. Now they would need to work on constructing a partnership that will be fulfilling and satisfying for both of them. Jeannie’s past relationships with her father would have to be resolved for her, and Dave’s lack of emotional expression would need to be improved. But if they can get through this impasse, they will be well on their way to constructing a new positive, healthy narrative for a satisfying partnership.
You may not have the same problems as Dave and Jeannie, but we all can improve our relationships in the family and with others. As you nurture fulfilling relationships your overall health will improve. Longevity may increase, and your quality of live will be enhanced. Life will be truly worth living!
Jessica and Tim are having problems with their two teenage children, Mark and Lisa. Mark has been seeing his friends, and his parents don’t know where he is most of the time. And Lisa has been defiant, refusing to do her homework. Her grades have plummeted. The problems with Mark and Lisa have caused Jessica and Tim to argue a lot about the kids. The teenagers’ problems set the stage for increasing conflict between the parents– and the parents and the children. There is a cascade of conflict spiraling out-of-control in the family.
These problems have caused Tim to drink more and come home in a drunken state-of-mind. He often is angry and occasionally hits Jessica when he has some alcohol. He blames Jessica for the problems with the children. He thinks she should do more with them, and do something about their misbehavior. He is often angry and resentful towards Jessica, and it’s expressed in his drinking and anger towards his wife.
Jessica also has resentments towards Tim. She feels that Tim should take more responsibility as a parent. She sees him as deficient and incompetent as a father. Her blame and anger towards him is escalating, and becoming toxic to the relationship.
This reciprocal resentment towards each other adds further ‘reason’ to blame each other for the problems of Mark and Lisa. And each parent continues to feel that the other parent does a poor job, and should do something about the problems with their teenagers. There is an unending conflict over the children, which prevents them from doing something about the teens’ problems–and their own marital issues.
Typical Interaction Between Jessica and Tim
Jessica angrily lashed back at Tim. Jessica angrily says to Tim, “You know Mark stays out all night with his friends. When I tell him to be home early, he stays out even longer. And you don’t do anything about it, Tim!”
Frustrated, Jessica walks hastily out of the kitchen to her separate bedroom, and continues to scream relentlessly to herself.
Mark acts like he doesn’t care and takes another drink. He says in a disgruntled whisper, “She’s the reason the kids are like that.” He fell asleep on the living room couch.
Nothing is resolved. The argument in this situation focused on Mark’s problem, and the couple blaming each other for their son’s misbehavior. On other days the argument is about Lisa’s bad grades and her not caring about school or anything else.
The arguments between Tim and Jessica are “symmetrical”; that is to say, each blames the other and the quarrels become more intense until someone leaves the room, as Jessica did. But the ‘toxic’ relationship only gets worse and both parents are stressed-out to the level of distress. Nothing is resolved between the parents as they focus only on the children’s problems.
If this unhealthy problem continues, Mark will become even more defiant and cling to his friends. He will be more aloof from his family and is prone to be susceptible to unhealthy peer influences. Lisa will continue to do poorly in school and is vulnerable to depression or other mental disorders.
The parents’ unhealthy approach will not solve Mark’s or Lisa’s problems, and their own relationship is problematic.
A Search for the Underlying Problems
There is good news: Tim and Jessica can forge a new relationship that is symmetrical, but healthy. Instead of blaming each other for the children’s problems, they can re-focus on their own relationship. Mark can stop ‘stone-walling’ through alcohol abuse, and fighting with Jessica over the kid’s problems. Jessica can stop blaming Mark for the the children’s behavior, and begin to clearly express her own needs in the marriage. Both Tim and Jessica need to re-focus on the other’s needs, and communicate in a more clear and direct way with each other. As they improve their relationship, it will be easier for them to work together to resolve the problems confronting their children.
It was difficult for this couple to ‘switch gears’ and work on their own relationship. But the couple decided to work through their own issues, and try to separate the problems of the children from their own difficulties. As Tim and Jessica saw improvements in their communication, they were able to share feelings and ideas for working with Mark and Lisa.
Essentially, parents need to have a healthy relationship with each other. This will help you to be a positive role model for the children; you will be able to communicate with your children about the problems that they are experiencing at this time in their development. If this doesn’t happen the children’s problems are intensified, while the parents’ marital issues go unresolved.
There is hope at the ‘end of the rainbow’: Improving your own relationship will help you to be more loving and caring parents. You will no longer need to project your own issues onto the children. You will have a healthy family expressing healthy relationships.