Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Jessica and Tim are having problems with their two teenage children, Mark and Lisa. Mark has been seeing his friends, and his parents don’t know where he is most of the time. And Lisa has been defiant, refusing to do her homework. Her grades have plummeted.  The problems with Mark and Lisa have caused Jessica and Tim to argue a lot about the kids. The teenagers’ problems set the stage for increasing conflict between the parents– and the parents and the children. There is a cascade of conflict spiraling out-of-control in the family.

These problems have caused Tim to drink more and come home in a drunken state-of-mind. He often is angry and occasionally hits Jessica when he has some alcohol. He blames Jessica for the problems with the children. He thinks she should do more with them, and do something about their misbehavior.  He is often angry and resentful towards Jessica, and it’s expressed in his drinking and anger towards his wife.

Jessica also has resentments towards Tim. She feels that Tim should take more responsibility as a parent.  She sees him as deficient and incompetent as a father. Her blame and anger towards him is escalating, and becoming toxic to the relationship.

This reciprocal resentment towards each other adds further ‘reason’ to blame each other for the problems of Mark and Lisa. And each parent continues to feel that the other parent does a poor job, and should do something about the problems with their teenagers. There is an unending conflict over the children, which prevents them from doing something about the teens’ problems–and their own marital issues.

Typical Interaction Between Jessica and Tim

Jessica angrily lashed back at Tim.  Jessica angrily says to Tim, “You know Mark stays out all night with his friends. When I tell him to be home early, he stays out even longer. And you don’t do anything about it, Tim!”

Frustrated, Jessica walks hastily out of the kitchen to her separate bedroom, and continues to scream relentlessly to herself.

Mark acts like he doesn’t care and takes another drink. He says in a disgruntled whisper, “She’s the reason the kids are like that.” He fell asleep on the living room couch.

Nothing is resolved. The argument in this situation focused on Mark’s problem, and the couple blaming each other for their son’s misbehavior. On other days the argument is about Lisa’s bad grades and her not caring about school or anything else.

The arguments between Tim and Jessica are “symmetrical”; that is to say, each blames the other and the quarrels become more intense until someone leaves the room, as Jessica did. But the ‘toxic’ relationship only gets worse and both parents are stressed-out to the level of distress.  Nothing is resolved between the parents as they focus only on the children’s problems.

If this unhealthy problem continues, Mark will become even more defiant and cling to his friends. He will be more aloof from his family and is prone to be susceptible to unhealthy peer influences. Lisa will continue to do poorly in school and is vulnerable to depression or other mental disorders.

The parents’ unhealthy approach will not solve Mark’s or Lisa’s problems, and their own relationship is problematic.

A Search for the Underlying Problems

There is good news: Tim and Jessica can forge a new relationship that is symmetrical, but healthy.  Instead of blaming each other for the children’s problems, they can re-focus on their own relationship. Mark can stop ‘stone-walling’ through  alcohol abuse, and fighting with Jessica over the kid’s problems.  Jessica can stop blaming Mark for the the children’s behavior, and begin to clearly express her own needs in the marriage. Both Tim and Jessica need to re-focus on the other’s needs, and communicate in a more clear and direct way with each other. As they improve their relationship, it will be easier for them to work together to resolve the problems confronting their children.

It was difficult for this couple to ‘switch gears’ and work on their own relationship. But the couple decided to work through their own issues, and try to separate the problems of the children from their own difficulties.  As Tim and Jessica saw improvements in their communication, they were able to share feelings and ideas for working with Mark and Lisa.

Essentially, parents need to have a healthy relationship with each other. This will help you to be a positive role model for the children; you will be able to communicate with your children about the problems that they are experiencing at this time in their development.  If this doesn’t happen the children’s problems are intensified, while the parents’ marital issues go unresolved.

There is hope at the ‘end of the rainbow’: Improving your own relationship will help you to be more loving and caring parents. You will no longer need to project your own issues onto the children. You will have a healthy family expressing healthy relationships.