There is an implicit desire to find a loving partner and soul mate, whether you are presently dating, engaged, living together, or married for many years. There seems to be an innate desire to have a soul mate who will be your faithful companion for life. Even in this technological age, where spirituality is not the centerpiece of the culture, there is a spiritual longing for a soul mate.
It usually begins when you fall in love with the partner. Romantic love enchants you to feel emotionally attached to the other. The emotions of romantic love are captivating and intense. These feelings engender the perception of an enduring happiness. But it is a fanciful creation.
During steady dating and courtship the romantic feelings “tell” you that this is the “right” person for you. The intense feelings of romantic love seem real. The idealization of romantic love emotionally enmeshes you with your partner.
For instance, Jennifer was dating Tim for the past two years. From the beginning she fell madly in love with him. The feelings she had confirmed in her mind that Tim was the right man for her. “We did everything together, and we were very attracted to each other. I felt one with Tim. Without him I was lonely.”
“I felt the same way,” Tim said. “Without Jenny, I felt incomplete.”
Romantic feelings make you feel you found the right person. And you would be “incomplete” without the partner. Indeed, some sociologists call these feelings the “romantic love complex.” The feelings of romantic love are the basis of staying in a relationship. Being in love is the reason to get married or deciding to live together.
Social scientists have found that romantic love replaces kinship and family as a way to find your partner. In the past, parents had more control in the mate selection process. But as the parents’ authority declined the partners were free to choose their own partners. Romantic love became the “reason” to marry.
Jennifer and Tim had these feelings for each other. After three years of marriage, Jennifer could not imagine that the love she had for Tim would ever dissipate. “I loved Tim very much. There was never a doubt in my mind that he was the one for me.”
Tim felt the same way: “I still love her, but everything changed after three years of marriage. Jenny changed. She doesn’t respond to my needs anymore.”
“I still love Tim,” Jennifer says, “but I don’t feel the same way. He avoids me all the time, and I’m alone most of the time. The close communication we had is no longer there.”
For Jennifer and Tim, romantic love had waned, and the feelings they had for each other had evanesced after three years of marriage.
Indeed, a recent study reported that the “seven year itch” is no longer true. Instead, even after three years of marriage the feelings of romantic love seem to wane for many couples.
In short, romantic love is not enough to sustain a relationship, or to find your soul mate. But the emotions of romantic love are intense and mesmerizing. It’s easy to depend on it. “Falling in love” seems to be a natural process with biochemical effects. And it is an integral part of modern culture.
However, if you want to find a loving partner, or your soul mate, you need to go through six steps to accomplish this goal. Romantic love would still be a crucial part of your relationship. But to find your soul mate you need to do more. If you go through these steps you will increase your chances of finding your soul mate. These steps are consistent with sociologist Ira Reiss’s “Wheel Theory of Love.” Reiss elaborated on the stages of love that include rapport, mutual disclosure, fulfillment of each other’s needs, mutual dependency, and fulfillment of personality needs. It is really more than “stages”; it is like a “wheel” where there is a mutual interaction; and it continues to move in a circular motion as long as the partners communicate with each other.
The Six Steps
Nurture a Friendship
Become friends: As you enter steady dating or courtship you need to become friends, apart from the romantic feelings. Positive communication is the beginning of a friendship. Talk to each other about your interests and activities. Share feelings with each other. Feel comfortable with the other person as you talk about your feelings and desires. Emphasize the positive in your communication with each other.
Susan and Steve started their courtship in this way. Susan, for instance, felt comfortable in talking with Steve. “We worked at the same place and always looked forward to having coffee breaks together. And when we sat down together we could easily talk to each other about anything. It was all positive.”
Steve felt the same way: “I decided to talk to her about my dreams and desires. And she would listen to me. We were tuned into each other.”
Talk About Worries and Concerns
In addition to communicating positive feelings and desires (and forming a friendship) you need to feel that you can easily talk to each other about worries and concerns. You would be able to share these feelings.
Susan said, “I could easily talk to Steve about my fears. When I had a health problem I could talk to him and he showed compassion”
“She listened to my anxieties about my job,” Steve said. “I felt insecure in my job and I could easily talk to Susan about it. She understood my feelings.”
Communicate Without Blame or Criticism
When you talk with each other, don’t criticize or blame, but listen empathically to the other person. This is one of the qualities of Susan and Steve’s relationship: They were able to understand what the partner was saying, and were able to put themselves in the other’s place.
Empathy is the quality of really putting yourself in the other’s position: to really “experience” the partner’s feelings and emotions. At the same time, you are a ‘separate’ individual from the partner. Empathic listening would be a pivotal part of your communication with each other.
Cultivate Trust in the Relationship
It is also vital to cultivate trust in your relationship When there is trust you can easily confide in the other. Of course when you trust the partner you make yourself vulnerable. But this is not a problem for couples who have a mutual trust in the other. When you trust the partner, you feel more comfortable in disclosing your deepest feelings.
In another case, Kim and Dan’s marriage expressed an illusion of trust, since there wasn’t a mutual understanding. It was assumed that the partners would be faithful to each other. But Dan didn’t really accept the importance of trust in the relationship.
Nurture Intimacy
Once you have accomplished these initial steps you will be well on your way of becoming intimate.
Susan and Steve were successful in achieving intimacy in their marriage. Steve says, “I always felt comfortable in sharing my thoughts with Susan. She always understands, even if it’s something she doesn’t agree on.”
“I feel the same way,” Susan says. “I think the longer we are together the more intimate we are. I feel very close to Steve, and I hope it’ll always be that way.”
Intimacy is the disclosure of feelings in the relationship. Both partners are able to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. Intimacy includes sexual feelings and satisfaction, but it is much more than the physical dimension. It involves thoughts, feelings and emotions. There is a complete understanding and desire to know the partner. Yet there is always a mystery about the other person and the desire to know more about him or her. The “mystery” will always be there through years into the relationship.
Conclusion: The Spiritual Connection
As you ‘work’ on the five steps in your quest to build a loving partnership it is important to always focus on the spiritual connection. The spiritual connection is the sixth step, but it envelops the first five steps. At the same time you need to accomplish the five steps before you can achieve a more complete, spiritual connection.
Spirituality in the relationship expresses an all-giving love that is completely unselfish. It is not the romantic love of passion, but a love that is mature and compassionate. It is understanding and empathic. It is the mutual feeling of a genuine connection with each other. It is not an unrequited love It is a genuine love.
Passion and romantic love can still be a part of your marriage or relationship, but romantic love needs to be complemented with genuine love. The latter is the love you need to cultivate for life. It is an enduring love. It is the love that will bring you closer to finding your soul mate.
Once you and your partner master the ‘six’ steps you will avoid the pitfalls in your relationship. Therapist John Gottman described the pitfalls as destructive patterns in relationships. These destructive patterns are the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Distressed and unhappy couples express these patterns in their relationships. But after the six steps became a part of your relationship you will not have an “apocalypse.” You will have a loving partner and soul mate.