Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Mary Ann states, “I’m planning to be a parent, and I heard a lot about what a good parent should be.  Some people think a parent should be a strong disciplinarian. Others say you should give love and not emphasize the discipline.  The different ideas of parenting are confusing to me.”

Both positions are correct if they are together.  Competent parenting includes love and discipline. Family research has shown that “authoritative” parenting is the most effective approach.  It involves discipline and love that complement each other.

When you discipline your child, you need to be consistent and firm–but not harsh.  You should be able to explain to the child the type of discipline you are giving, and the reason for it.  It should be explained and talked about, but not yelled about.

In addition, physical punishment really is not as effective as taking away some of the things the child wants—or saying “no” to an activity the child desires.  Physical punishment may even cause a backlash: The child learns that violence is appropriate.  So it is important to use other forms of discipline: such as withholding something the child wants, or using a more positive approach of providing appropriate rewards for good behavior.

Along with consistent and reasonable discipline, the child needs nurturing.  The child needs to know that you love and accept her.  The love needs to be expressed directly to the child. An example is Teddy’s father, Joe, who is a very strict disciplinarian.  Joe says, “I was brought up in a strict home.  My father was in control of the house and everyone had to listen to him.  If I violated his rules he would be angry and hit me. He wasn’t abusive.  He just wanted me to listen.”

Joe carried out this same discipline in his own family.  “I’m not going to let Teddy get away with anything.  He’s thirteen and starting to ‘act out.’   I’m not going to put up with that!”

Teddy’s behavior hasn’t changed, but in front of his father he seems well-behaved.  When his father is not home he hits his younger brother and yells at his mother.  He is also starting to misbehave in school.  His school grades have plummeted and the teachers are starting to lose patience.  But fear of his father has increased.  When he is with his father he seems docile.

In this situation Joe believes in harsh punishment.  He will resort to physical punishment when necessary.  But Teddy  listens to his father when he is present, but in his absence he reacts angrily.  Teddy’s fear of his father is effective in controlling his behavior, as long as Joe is present.

In this example, Joe is an “authoritarian” parent, a parent who believes and enacts harsh punishments.  This type of parent can’t express loving feelings to the child.  The child is surrounded by rules.  The parent may love the child but it’s not expressed.  And the child is in constant fear.  The child may suppress his “bad” behavior in front of the parent, but in other surroundings he will unleash his anger towards other

Therefore the best approach is to provide love and nurturing from the time the child is an infant through adolescence; this will cultivate a secure attachment for the child.  Her self-esteem and self-confidence would be enhanced.

Essentially, providing love and discipline (authoritative parenting) is a healthy parenting stance. Love and discipline are clearly expressed to your child. Positive discipline– or providing suitable rewards for good behavior–is a crucial ingredient. You will help your child feel safe and secure–providing secure attachment. The child will reap the benefits, even into adulthood.