Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Jack’s father, Daniel, tended to avoid relationships in the family. He always wanted attention from his father but his father never responded to his needs. He felt rejected, and didn’t feel his father really cared for him . He continued to seek his father’s attention, but his dad rarely responded to his needs.

Dan (Jack’s dad) did associate with others outside of the family. He would join his friends at night, and would try to get their attention. He usually called attention to himself, and wanted his friends to see him as a superior person. Dan would ‘enhance’ himself in front of his close friends, which usually got their attention. He was elated when he got his friends’ attention. But when he returned home he became his usual self: He never talked much and wanted to be alone in his ‘workshop.’

Jack’s mother, Diane, wanted more affection from her husband to no avail. When she approached him he would turn away and go back to his workshop. She was disappointed but never said anything. There was an eerie silence in the room. Jack was unhappy for his mother. He wanted her to be happy. But her depression worsened to the point that she became non-responsive to her son’s emotional needs.

Years Later

When Jack became an adult he had problems in his relationships and in dating women. He couldn’t relate with the opposite sex no matter how much he tried. When he met a woman whom he was a attracted to, he had trouble expressing his feelings to her. The couple dated for a year but things got worse. Barbara expressed her feelings to Jack, but he was indifferent to her feelings. It was a one-sided relationship where she tried hard to get him to talk to her, but he only said a few words. Eventually she became frustrated and told Jack she wasn’t interested in him anymore. Jack was devastated when Barbara broke up with him, but eventually he went back to his usual behavioral patterns.

Jack continued to be unsuccessful in his relationships with women. Even if he would eventually marry, he thought, the love of his life would eventually end up like his mother–an unhappy wife and mother. He didn’t want that for anyone, but he still hoped that some day he would find someone to love and be happy with.

The Dismissive, Avoidant Personality

Although Jack resented his father’s rejection of him and his mother, he wanted his father’s attention and love. He craved for his father’s love, and felt sorry for his mother. He admired his father in other ways: His dad was a hard worker and was good with his hands. He could build furniture and other things. But he didn’t get the love that he needed from his father. He felt rejected and sad about it.

Conclusion

As Jack approached adulthood he was not successful in dating women, and when he met Barbara he couldn’t express his feelings openly. Instead, he would become dismissive and not pay attention to her needs and feelings. Barbara was not happy in the relationship. She wanted a man who would listen to her needs and feelings. She wanted a man who cared for her. But Jack was unable to listen to her feelings. He tried, but couldn’t do it. Barbara had enough of this neglect and broke off with him. Jack felt rejected but seemed to be unaware of the reason for her departure. He went out with other women after his first date, but his problem of dismissiveness and avoidance continued in these relationships.

Is there hope for Jack? Yes there is hope, but Jack would have to try harder to be responsive to the feelings of another. In his childhood and adolescence he had a dismissive, avoidant father who hardly paid attention to him. He was also negatively affected by his mother’s unhappiness and eventual depression. If he doesn’t make any effort to change his avoidant stance, he will replicate his father’s behavior in his own relationship. He, too, will become a dismissive, avoidant husband. And this can be carried over into generations to come.

But there is good news: A person, like Jack, can change when one is aware of the negative effects of childhood. It will take work to change, and probably counseling or therapy, but it will be well worth it. You don’t have to be a ‘victim’ of the past. Change is possible.