Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Melinda feels a lot of stress in her life and it has caused her to be depressed.  She says, “I’m upset about a lot of things. I think about my unhappy childhood when I was the ‘black sheep’ in the family.  Mom and dad never paid any attention to me, and I felt rejected.  This happened during my entire childhood.  I never felt good about myself.”

Today she has problems in her relationships and doesn’t feel confident as a mother to her two teenage daughters.  Melinda says, “I try to please Sid, but he doesn’t respond.  When he does talk to me, he complains about everything.  I don’t know what to say to him, and then he gets angry at me.  And my daughters make it even more difficult for me; they don’t respect me and that makes me more depressed.”

Melinda feels overwhelmed with the problems of the past and present.  She feels out-of-control.  In the present problems in her relationship, and as a mother, she feels helpless and sees no hope for the future.  She withdraws into her depression, which only exacerbates the problem.

Melinda takes antidepressant medication, which prevents her from being suicidal.  But she still feels hopeless and helpless.  She can’t function in her everyday life as a partner and mother.  This only reinforces her feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.  Her self-esteen is shattered.

After Melinda began to realize that she wasn’t happy, and she was becoming more miserable every day, she decided to attend some counseling sessions. Melinda said, “It was hard to talk about my feelings for a while, but after I started to talk about it, I felt a great relief. And I was more elated that Sid agreed to come with me for some counseling. For the first time I felt hopeful about the future.” An unexpected smile appeared on her face.

 Causes of Melancholy

Negative Thoughts

Chronic sadness, depression, or major depression can stop you from really living a healthy and fulfilled life. If you are in a situation, like Melinda, or just feeling sad or depressed a lot, you need to get back to understanding what is causing your melancholy. It is important to ‘look’ at your negative thoughts that keep entering your mind automatically.  As these thoughts unrelentingly come into your mind, you will feel more depressed.  They will begin to put yourself down, and make you feel the people around you feel the same way about you.  You become more depressed and the depression escalates.

It is important, therefore, that you take control over your thoughts, not by resisting them but letting them go on their own. You can do this more easily through the practice of mindfulness. View your thoughts, one at a time, as they pass through your mind. Focus with attention on each thought as they pass through your mind. Imagine each thought is a leaf floating down the stream, and eventually fading away. Do this for at least five to ten minutes when you begin to feel depressed. Close your eyes during the exercise; then breathe for a while as you slowly open your eyes.

Support of Partner or Spouse

It helps if you have the support of your spouse or partner.  A supportive partner, who is empathetic and understanding, will not take away the depression– but he or she can motivate you to do something about your depression.  And if your partner is willing to come to counseling with you (like Melinda’s husband) it will help you and him to work toward a more supportive and loving relationship.  Clear communication and acceptance of the other is vital to come to the best solution.

Shared Parenting

If you have problems with your children, you and the other parent can work on issues related to parenting and appropriate discipline for the children.  This may be difficult, but if you are consistent you will get better results.  And the depressed partner will feel more confident in the parenting role.

A Healthy Lifestyle

In my latest book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle: Secrets of Health and Happiness (www.michaelpanar.com),  I discuss the importance of coping with sadness and depression.  Early childhood experiences and enhancing the self are important factors in preventing or resolving moderate to major depression.

Conclusion

In essence, depression doesn’t have to be with you all the days of your life. There is ‘life’ after depression.  And you don’t have to be sad, or even moderately depressed most of the time.  If the source of the depression came from the past in an unhappy childhood, as in Melinda’s case, you can work on these issues of the past. But you are not focusing on the past; you are trying to resolve the “ghosts of the past” in the present moment.   It is important to focus clearly on these ‘ghosts’ as you let them go.

It is vital to reconcile these issues through  “talk therapy” and  approaching your own parents (if they are available)about the past, if possible.  Then you can move on to work on your present problems within the family, and by yourself in quiet awareness.

To be sure, it’s not easy, but you can have a ‘life’ after depression: Working on your ‘self’ and self-esteem is a beginning. Resolving problems of the past and present is crucial.  Gaining mastery, and eliminating depression, can eventually take you to a more fulfilling and rewarding life.  You will no longer be a ‘slave’ to the depression.