Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Lucy is in seventh grade and has been failing in school.  Recently she brought home a poor report card that she didn’t want to show her parents. So she kept it in her room in a drawer. Not until the school contacted the parents, did the parents discover that their daughter was doing poorly in school.

Lucy has an older brother, Jimmy, who does his school work, but is only an average student.  The parents are not too concerned about him.  They really don’t expect him to do well in school.  “He’s doing the best he can,” said his father.  Marie, the mother, doesn’t expect any more than what Jimmy is now doing.

After attending several counseling sessions, it was discovered that Lucy’s mother Marie had high expectations for herself.  Even though she had a good career in the business world, she was really not satisfied with her achievements.  She wanted more, but now, doesn’t feel that she will get any further than she is.  Semi-consciously, she transferred her frustrations to Lucy.  She expects a lot from Lucy but it never was enough. Consequently, Marie’s relationship with Lucy was non-emotional. Her love for her daughter was not expressed–but only her expectations, which was only her dissatisfaction with herself.  The father, Joe, usually always acquiesced and let Marie handle any problems with Lucy.  But he had a satisfying connection with Jimmy.

All the while, Lucy was reluctant to respond to her mother.  She showed little interest in her mother’s expectations of her.  So she didn’t make any effort in school.  Her grades continued to plummet.  She wasn’t doing well, but she had no desire to do better.  She was an average student.  But Marie couldn’t accept it.  She wanted Lucy to excel, where she couldn’t.  She saw herself as not accomplishing all of the things she wanted to do.  She was hoping that perhaps Lucy could make up for her own shortcomings.  So Marie continued to put pressure on her daughter, but Lucy just ignored her mother.  It was an unhealthy pattern between mother and daughter.

After a few more months of counseling, Marie had a better understanding of herself and the need to change her relationship with Lucy.  She decided not to pressure Lucy anymore.  She started to find other ways to relate to her daughter.  She also worked at expressing love and affection for Lucy.  It was not easy to change the way she relates to her daughter, but she forced herself to be more responsive and quit pressuring her to be like her.  If  Marie continues to have a better relationship with her daughter, Lucy will feel free to be herself–which she will need to do when she becomes a teenager.

It is not always easy to change the way you relate to your child, but if you discern your own parenting behaviors, you may discover hidden emotions and feelings that may be at the ‘root’ of the problems.  In Marie’s case it was her own deep feelings of failure and lack of accomplishment in her career. Talking and working on the problem can resolve the problem–and the child will reap the benefits.