Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Jesssica says, “I try to spend some time with Sara but it’s not easy, now that she is a teenager.  We used to do a lot things together, but now she wants to be alone or be with her friends.  I try to talk to her but she doesn’t want to confide in me anymore.  I feel I’m not doing a good job as a mother.”

Jessica is distraught and doesn’t feel competent as a parent.  She wants to be with Sara, but Sara doesn’t show any interest in being with her.  This is very disconcerting and  Jessica feels she is losing her daughter.

If you are in a similar situation, or would like to have a better relationship with your teen, you musn’t give up on her.  Instead, you should continue to show your child that you are as interested in her now, as you were when she was a younger child.  Even though she is a teenager, she still needs your love and attention– though she may not seem to want your love.  It is easy for a parent to give up and go on with his or her own interests, and gradually become more distant from the teen.  But the teen actually wants your attention and love even if it’s unexpressed.  At the same time, the teen is trying to find his or her identity.  She just left the oasis of childhood and is now face-to-face with a new ‘world.’  So she needs to find herself during this critical time.  She needs to know who she is and how she can relate to her peers–and society.

In Sara’s case, she had  good relationship with her mother during early and middle childhood.  This is a foundation for a good parent/teenager relationship.  But the parent needs to know that the teen is at a very different level of development: She is trying to find herself in relation to peers and the family.  There are different needs in adolescence compared to the early years. The parent needs to understand these different needs and relate to the child in a different way.  Thus it’s vital to sit down with the teen and discern her wants and needs. Listening to the teen’s needs is crucial. Express love and give reasonable discipline when needed.  Find things to do with the teen, while giving her autonomy.  In contrast to the early years of childhood, there are new and different challenges during the course of adolescence.

Essentially, it’s going to take time to forge a new relationship with your teen.  It will not be the same as in childhood but it can be just as rewarding for the parent and teenager.  A new, healthy connection will unfold.