Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Adolescence is a difficult time for both parents and the teenager, so it is important that communication is clear and empathic.  The teen is experiencing changes, both physically and psychologically, and the parents need to be attuned to what is happening to their son or daughter.  But if the parents are open to understanding their teen’s inner needs and feelings, it will be easier to have good communication with him or her.

Many changes occur at this time and it really begins before adolescence, during the pre-teen or ‘tween’ period at about 11 or 12 years old.  The child begins to see ‘self’ as an individual in his or her own way.  She sees herself more clearly as an individual apart from other members of her family, and different from her peers.  It is a new discovery that seems to come from nowhere. This new discovery of ‘self’ can be exhilarating or depressing.  If the child can perceive it as a positive discovery, self-esteem will be enhanced and she will feel good about herself.  It will make her feel good and her self-worth and self-image will be resilient.

It is important at this time that family life is stable, and communication with the child continues to be positive in the home.  If there is any conflict she will subjectively feel responsible for the chaos in the home.  If the parents don’t talk with their tween, or talk to her in a negative way, she will perceive it as an affront on her.  She will usually blame herself for the confusion in the home, since she is centered on her own self and identity.

When the tween becomes a teenager at 13 she will have more difficulty in finding herself.  Identity will be affected.  It will be difficult to have a clear sense of identity.  She will not know who she is.  She will look in the mirror and not really know who she is.  But she will continue to search for an answer.

Tommy’s Aggressive Behavior

In one case example,Tommy, age 12, wants to be close to his father, John.  But his dad is always busy working or associating with his peers.  When he comes home from work he is in a bad mood and gets angry at Tommy for his uncontrollable behavior.  Tommy wants his dad’s attention and goes to any means to get it.  So he becomes defiant and misbehaves.  His aggressiveness increases John’s yelling and criticism.  Tommy only becomes more rebellious.

In this situation, Tommy is craving for his father’s attention.  He needs John to validate his identity.  But John becomes emotionally reactive, which doesn’t solve the problem, or meet Tommy’s needs.

After a while, John became aware of his handling of the problem.  He discovered that he can’t take his problems at work home with him.  He needs to leave these problems at work and resolve it in that situation.  More importantly, John has to schedule his time with his friends and not let it interfere with time spent with his son.  These problems will not easily be resolved, but with a commitment to a better relationship, there is a solution.

Essentially for a tween to have a healthy image of self, the parent’s relationship with the child is crucial.  It is important for the parent to be attuned to the child’s needs while reinforcing a healthy identity.