Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Jane says, “I had a lot of relationships, but I never could find my soul mate. Will I ever be able to have a soul mate? I’m beginning to lose hope.

Jane is like many people who don’t feel they have ever had a ‘perfect’ relationship with a soul mate. The idea of a soul mate has always been a magical concept that can’t be explained in scientific terms. It is seen as a spiritual connection that is beyond any explanation. It is felt that finding a soul mate is a destiny that has nothing to do with the world as we know it. It is purely spiritual.

Therefore, the individual has no control of finding a soul mate. It just happens. It is not coincidental. It is a spiritual event that a person has no control of.  But here is good news: You can have a relationship that will realize your dreams of  having a partner who is your soul mate–through a loving partnership that you can nurture day-to-day and moment-to-moment.  In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I explain the importance of relationships and some of the qualities of healthy relationships. You can further refer to this book on healthy relationships and a healthy lifestyle. Now I will discuss the steps towards a loving partnership:

Change Romantic Love to a Partnership

An intimate relationship usually begins with an emotional attachment to the other. You feel strongly attached to that person and can’t imagine ever separating. There is a mutual tendency to want to be with each other. Your attachment is purely emotional and you feel a deep love for that person. The attraction is strong and you want to be with him or her most of the time.

Other Reasons for getting into a Relationship

Of course, there are practical reasons that a person may get into a relationship with someone, such as: money, convenience. isolation or desperation. A person may want to get into an intimate relationship to exert control, or subconsciously wants a person to abuse or dominate.

There may be mental health problems, such as a need for a person to have control of another. For instance, the narcissist doesn’t really ‘love’ himself or herself, but needs to control someone to love him or her.  Or a person with a ‘borderline personality disorder’ needs someone to vent his or her emotions. The dependent persons needs someone to be dominant. The angry person needs someone to control. There are many mental health problems and a lot of dysfunctional reasons to enter an intimate relationship. But these are not healthy reasons for entering an intimate connection with another.

From Romantic Love to a Partnership

Since an intimate relationship begins with romantic love and passion the couple becomes quickly attuned to each other. There are strong emotions that attract them to each other. The “romantic love complex” is the feelings of love and sex that encompasses passionate love. Therefore during the beginning of a relationship the couple experiences a very ‘close’ connection. But it is based on an emotional and sexual attraction.  It is a passionate love based on the “romantic love complex.”

It is important to begin a relationship with such intensity, but it is short-lived– and passionate love doesn’t last too long. But for some couples it may last longer than others. It depends on how long you can keep the passion alive.

Commitment

In view of the short ‘life span’ of romantic love, it is vital that you begin to develop a love for each other that is more enduring. In doing so, you need to convert passion and romance to a loving partnership. But to do this, you need to have a commitment to that person and the relationship. A commitment is a strong desire to want to be with that person. You need to be clear about it, and feel that this is the person you want to be with.

The Path to a Partnership

With this commitment you will be able to begin a path towards a partnership. It will not be easy. There are many things you and your partner will have to do to develop your partnership. And you need to continue to sustain your desire to be with each other through good times and bad. Here are just a few basic steps to nurture your loving partnership:

1) Disclosure

Trust is important for your relationship. You need to be comfortable with that person, and be able to trust him or her. You need to ‘know’ each other in an intimate way that other people will never know. Only you and your partner will know each other emotionally and physically.

The partner will know the most personal things about you, but at the same time you will continue to be an individual. You will always be a unique person in the fullest sense, and your partner will love you more for that. Therefore, being able to be a unique person and still be able to disclose your intimate needs and feelings to the other will be in synchrony.

2) Empathy and Compassion

You and your partner need to learn communication skills. This involves being able to express your feelings with each other without projecting blame onto the other. At the same time you need to show understanding of the other’s feelings and needs with empathy and compassion. Expressing your own feelings and listening to the partner need to be a mutual undertaking by both partners.

3) Develop the Narratives

Once you and your partner have completed these two steps, you are now ready to work together to develop ‘stories’ in your connection with each other. “Stories” or narratives are the things you want to share with each other for a more enduring relationship. You will already be attuned to the needs and feelings of each other, which will be the foundation for a loving and satisfying connection with the other. But you also need to keep your communication open with each other as new needs or situations arise. As time goes on you may have to revise some of these narratives so that both of you will be satisfied. It is an ongoing process through time, although you will be doing it moment-to-moment in time.

Conclusion

As you nurture and cultivate a partnership with each other, you are creating an enduring love for each other that goes beyond the “romantic love complex” of ‘passionate love.’ You will feel the love for each other more deeply, and your relationship will continue to grow through the cycle of life. And you may have found your ‘Soul mate.’