There are many problems in life that can easily make you feel stressed out and even depressed. There is also the pervasiveness of anger and frustration in everyday life. Often these realities can easily cause one to be depressed, angry, resentful, or sad. With all of these things happening you can easily feel that life isn’t worth living. Or you may just go through the motions and just do what you have to do.
These stressful situations may occur in only a part of your life: at work for instance, or be in your everyday life with family, friends, neighbors, strangers, or life itself. You may have to cope with the loss of a loved one, or feel anger toward one who betrayed you. You may have experienced a crisis in your life. Or you may have everyday problems at home, job, or with some people in your life. No matter what caused the stress it can escalate to a point of no return. You feel stuck in the stressful situation and see no way out.
Floating Thoughts
During these times of stress or crisis there is a plethora of thoughts that float through your mind. Depending on the intensity of the problem, the thoughts may continue to bombard your mind to the point of frustration. But even everyday, ordinary problems can be troublesome and continually float through your mind. These intruding thoughts can’t seem to go away. It may be frustration of something that happened to you a week ago, or a persistent anger towards a person who did something that offended you. It even may be something on the news or social media that upset you. There can be a myriad of problems in everyday life that cause you to be upset– and the thoughts continue to pass through your mind.
Pleasant Thoughts and Feelings
Pleasant thoughts will also float through your mind on many occasions: when you are having a pleasant feeling, sharing something pleasant with another, or looking forward to an enjoyable day. There are many happy, pleasant thoughts that will float through your mind during these times. Practice mindful meditation on these thoughts, as well as on any undesirable thoughts that may come to you from time-to-time. Being mindful of these pleasant thoughts will enhance your skills in mindfulness.
Practice of Mindful Meditation
Mindful meditation can help you to resolve or at least lessen these problems. You may need to attend counseling or therapy sessions to work on some of the problems. The more you are receptive to counseling, the more likely it will help you. Psychotherapy, family therapy and other types of counseling is a good resource for you to work on many of the stresses and issues that may befall you. But whether or not you attend counseling sessions, mindful meditation is something you can do any time, any day–since it can become a part of your healthy lifestyle. Better yet, mindful meditation can prevent problems from happening. It is an excellent way to have a healthy, happy, and satisfying life.
Mindful meditation or mindfulness is when you direct your attention to an experience, thought, feeling or object without expecting anything– and without judgment. For instance, when there is an unwanted thought that comes through your mind you would focus your attention on that thought. See it as a dark cloud in your mind. Then let it slowly flow away from your mind. This thought is still in your mind but you no longer can ‘see’ it. It is just away from your view. Another thought may then come in your mind. Close your eyes and see the dark cloud. Let it flow away from your view. You can practice mindful meditation on a thought, feeling or emotion. When you are not troubled by anything you can meditate on various things, such as: on your surroundings, nature, objects around you, and even other people. There are no limits to mindfulness. You can be mindful of all your experiences. It can become a way of life.
Conclusion
Mindful meditation can help you cope with the stresses in your life, the problems you may face, and unresolved relationships; this will free you from worry, anxiety and sadness. It can help you understand your mind more clearly than you ever did before. You will be able to focus on your relationships with others more clearly. You will discover new things about yourself, your mind, and your relationships. You are now on the path towards Wisdom.
Jane says, “I always believed a parent should spank a child for misbehaving, but I don’t think it’s right. My husband, Jim, says I shouldn’t spank Todd, who will turn eleven in October. We always argue about this, and it’s causing me stress.”
Discuss Discipline with the Other Parent
Frequently, parents will disagree on the type of discipline that is appropriate for a child. Therefore it’s important that you and your partner talk about this even before a child is born. Listen to each other and understand how the other partner feels about it. Then both of you should look up the current research on the appropriate discipline. On another day, you and the other parent should talk and listen to each other again. Hopefully you will come to a mutually agreed decision through listening and exploring the current recommendations from your research.
The first step is to be willing to talk about this issue together, although you may disagree. Talking and listening, while looking at the current evidence, is a healthy way of relating with each other. It prevents quarrels that often get out-of-control. And hopefully it will lead to a mutually satisfying agreement. Of course, the final decision depends on the flexibility of the parents, and the willingness to change one’s point-of-view based on the evidence.
The Parents’ Own Background
Difficulties, however, can arise if one parent was abused as a child or witnessed a lot of arguments between his or her parents, especially during early and middle childhood. This traumatic experience can have a devastating effect that can linger way into adulthood. So it’s important to explore one’s own childhood experiences, and how it now affects your parenting role. In some of these situations, you may need to attend counseling sessions to resolve these unresolved problems from your childhood.
Appropriate Discipline
Now let’s explore some of the appropriate ways of disciplining your child: The first step is to be aware of the child’s developmental age, — not the child’s calendar age. To do this you would need to know and understand your child, such as: his or her abilities, understanding and intelligence, . Counseling sessions may help you understand your child’s development.
That being said, I will discuss some of the best ways to discipline the child. I go in more detail in my book, Create A Healthy Lifestyle, on relationships and the social self. But in this article, I will outline a few thoughts:
First, it’s important to perceive your child’s good qualities. When you can fully accept and love your child you will be open to more constructive ways of disciplining. You will also be more flexible with your discipline and be attuned to the child’s development. You will be able to discuss with the other parent your feelings on how you want to discipline the child. These are all positive attributes that will help you in being a more effective parent.
When you can see your child’s good qualities it is easier to express your love for the child. The child will receive the message that you love her. It will help the child to feel good, and behave well. It will reinforce your good feelings about your child. It is a positive and loving spiral. Finally, the best discipline combines love with ‘withdrawal of reward’; there are not harsh punishments, spanking, or criticism of the child. Instead, constructive discipline withdraws reward (or some of the things a child wants) for misbehavior, while at the same time expressing your love and concern for the child. The essence is: The child understands the reason for being punished while being aware of your unconditional love.
Conclusion
If you understand your child’s development, and send messages of unconditional love, you are more likely to be successful in disciplining your child. But first you need to understand your own inclinations of punishing or disciplining– and to be able to have a mutual consensus with the other parent. Both of you need to be on the same ‘page.’ Your child will reap the benefits– and feel safe and loved. Discipline will be appropriate and effective. You will have a healthy parent and child relationship.
Create a Partnership Radiating with Love by Michael A. Panar
April 13, 2013
Jenny and Tim met on a train a while back, and they were very attracted to each other. Jenny says,” The first time we met I thought I found my soul mate, but after being together for two years I’m losing my attraction to Tim. But I feel I still love him. I don’t understand where our relationship is going.”
“I feel the same way,” Tim said, while hesitating in a few words.
Both Jenny and Tim are discovering problems early in their relationship. They are not happy with each other, and don’t feel as attracted to each other. With this revelation there is the opportunity to do something about it and try to make things more satisfying for each other.
Most couples, however, don’t discover problems until years later, or after they’ve been married for years. Then they are shocked and overwhelmed when they discover that they don’t ‘know’ each other anymore. They discover that they are ‘strangers’ in the same house, or are very angry and even hostile towards each other. This new discovery is not pleasant and is stressful. It can affect one’s health and well-being. It can end up in depression, distress, or other emotional problems. It can lead to continuous fighting, ending in separation or divorce.
Of course it’s not healthy to let conflicts fester over the years after many quarrels, or withdrawals from each other. These conflicts only escalate until they become emotional or mental problems, hurting both individuals in different ways.
Beginning a Partnership
If you are in Jenny and Tim’s situation it is still early enough to form a partnership, if there is a mutual commitment to make it happen. In this case, both Jenny and Tim still have some unexpressed feelings for each other, which gave them the incentive to do something about it. “We decided to do more things together, like going on more dates with each other. We also started to talk with each other about what’s bothering us, or what we would like in our relationship.”
Tim said happily, “I’m glad Jenny wants to give me another chance. We both still care for each other.”
For Jenny and Tim, they’ve made a commitment to make their relationship more satisfying for each other. Both partners are committed to create new ‘stories’ for their new life together. As they continue to do this, they will form a partnership that is mutually satisfying.
Creating a Partnership Later-on
It’s never too late, however, to create a partnership that can be mutually satisfying for each other. Although you may have had problems over the years in your marriage or relationship, you can still form a new partnership with each other. But it still requires a mutual commitment to want to have a partnership that is mutually satisfying. Thus communication and learning the ‘art of listening’ is important for positive change to occur.
Depending on the type of problems you are having (resentments, anger, or avoidance, for example) you both must work on these issues and try to resolve them. Once these issues are sufficiently resolved, you are ready for the next step: Talking with each other about what type of relationship you want with each other. Now you are in the process of creating new stories or narratives for your relationship, such as: the type of relationship you want, the things you like to do together, the kind of dates you want to have, and other new ‘stories’ you would like to have as a part of your ‘partnership.’
The secret of a happy relationship is being able to form new mutually satisfying ‘stories’ that you both want to share with each other. As you construct these new mutually satisfying narratives (stories), the love you have for each other will emerge, grow, radiate, and become even better than it was before.
Being a Loving and Effective Parent by Michael A. Panar
March 13, 2013
One couple says, We’re going to have our first child and we would like to be very good parents. How can we help our child? We hear so much about problems that kids have, and we don’t want to have kids with those kind of problems.
If you are like this couple, you’re well on your way of becoming good parents. The commitment to be a parent is the first step towards being effective parents. It’s also a good sign when you are both talking about it. Many parents come together, have a child, and just hope that everything will fall into place. Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that. Good parenting doesn’t come naturally.
The Model of Discipline and Love
The first step is to use an effective parenting model. You would want a model that provides discipline and love. Both of these components must always go together. Love without discipline doesn’t work, except when the child is behaving well; but discipline without love always fails. So you want to combine discipline with love, and communicate it clearly to the child. Sometimes you may want to express love, exclusively, without discipline. These are the times when everything is going well, the child is behaving, and you want to express loving messages to the child. You can express love with or without words during these times.
At other times the child may be misbehaving. Of course you will have to be aware of the child’s age, and what is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ behavior for the child’s age and development. During the times when the child is not behaving well, you need to combine discipline and love: Give the appropriate discipline while also letting your child know that he/she is still loved. However, you have to make sure the child received the ‘message’ of love along with the discipline. Don’t assume the child received this message. Note how the child responds to the discipline and make sure she/he got the message.
Use Appropriate Discipline
Always use appropriate discipline. Although many parents spank their child, this is not recommended because it only has short-term effects. In the long-run it’s very ineffective. It can also ‘teach’ a child to be violent. This is a side-effect you would want to avoid. So use techniques such as: rewarding a child for good behavior or withdrawing things the child really wants, when misbehaving.
Effects in Later Development
The effects of childhood on later development are discussed in my book, Create a Healthy lifestyle: “Secrets” of Health and Happiness. How your parents disciplined you during your own childhood still has an effect on you throughout life. But you may not always be aware of how it affected you. When you are aware of this impact on your own childhood, it will help you to be a loving and effective parent to your own child.
With all of the problems and challenges of life, as well as various issues that occur almost daily, people are not getting enough sleep. You may try to sleep in various ways: taking medication or just trying again to sleep. But you still don’t get the healthy, deep sleep that you need. Your dreams may be active and unsettling. You may experience nightmares, or a disturbing dream may wake you up. In any event, you’re not able to sleep deeply enough to feel energetic the next day.
It’s also important to sleep at least seven to eight hours every night. If you schedule about the same time each night to sleep it will be easier to get the optimal amount. Recent studies also are beginning to show that getting seven or eight hours of sleep may ward off certain diseases, such as cancer. Healthy hormones will be released through the body.
Of course you need to get a good bed and mattress, which will make you feel comfortable. But to have a healthy sleep you need to take away the distractions that work against a good sleep. You don’t want to medicate yourself unless it’s really necessary. So don’t let medication be your first choice. Medication can help you to sleep, but you will become dependent on the medecine to give you this relief. Medication also has side-effects that you may be allergic to. It is better to find other solutions to a good-night sleep the natural way, which will be healthier.
A good-night sleep is an important part of helping your body and mind to become more healthy, and you will fill better about yourself. You will look forward to the new day with more energy and vigor. I will begin to discuss healthy ways to improve your sleep. This article can supplement my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, on a holistic approach to health that explains other ways to enhance physical and mental health:
How to Sleep Well and Feel Vibrant in the Morning
The first step is to reduce, as much as possible, the stress during the day. If you have various problems during the day-time hours, you need to resolve these issues and feel satisfied with your solutions. If you can’t resolve the problems that day, set another time and day for them. Tell yourself: “These can wait for another day.” Be satisfied with your self-talk and put the problem aside.
Any other unresolved issues or disappointments need to be tabled for another time. If you continue to worry about something it will interrupt your composure, and will come into your dreams in a distorted way. This particularly occurs during your light sleep– and as you get more light sleep you will have more vivid, and sometimes more disturbing dreams. When you are dreaming, you’re not getting the deep sleep that you desperately need.
It is vital, therefore, to feel at ease during the night and not occupy yourself with the problems and issues of the day. If you have problems in your relationships, resolve these problems with the partner, spouse, friends, family members and others–or agree to work on unresolved issues on another day. This will further help you to feel relaxed before going to sleep.
Activate the Parasympathetic Nervous System
The second step is to activate the Parasympathetic Nervous System, a part of the Autonomic Nervous System, that calms your whole being, slows your heart beat, and helps produce relaxing hormones in your body. By contrast, in times of stress the Sympathetic Nervous System, also a part of the Autonomic Nervous System, needs to be de-activated before sleep. If it is still in “high gear” stress hormones are produced, the heart beat increases at a rapid pace, and your body feels stressed out.
You can easily activate the Parasympathetic Nervous System by letting go of stress and practice meditation and mindfulness. Take a moment to be in a quiet place, breathe deeply, inhaling through your belly and exhaling slowly. Repeat for a few minutes. Open your eyes and feel relaxed. Repeat this practice while focusing intentionally on your breath, breathing in and out. As you focus on your breath, all other thoughts flow away like dark clouds in the sky. Now you only have your breath to focus on. You may choose other mindfulness practices, but this is a good start.
When you are in bed do the breathing and mindfulness practice. Let distracting or disturbing thoughts flow away, and ‘watch’ them flow away in your mind. Your mind feels calm and relaxed. It is good to go to sleep about the same time each night and get up around the same time. Now you are ready to have a good night sleep, and you will look forward to the morning.
YOU CAN CREATE THE LOVE YOU WANT by Michael A. Panar
February 13, 2013
Linda says, “I don’t know what happened to us after being married five years, but Steve and I talked about our relationship; and we both feel that our feelings for each other is not there anymore. We talked about it but we don’t know what happened to us. I don’t feel we love each other anymore. And Steve said he’s doesn’t love me as he once did. I feel bad since Valentine Day is this month. I feel bad because I’m losing my soulmate! Linda began to cry as she tried hard to hold back her tears.
When One Partner Falls Out-of-Love
In most situations, like Linda’s, one spouse falls out-of-love while the other one still has feelings of love. In these cases the spouse who still loves the partner is hurt the most because the other one doesn’t care anymore. It becomes a one-sided problem: The one who loves the partner senses a deep loss–and feels rejected. The spouse who fell out-of-love doesn’t care, or is having (or had) an affair with someone else. It is important in these cases to help the spouse who has been rejected, unless the other partner is willing to work on the relationship.
Working on Commitment
There is good news: Whether both partners fell out-of-love (or just one partner) the love that was lost can be restored. But it requires a commitment to want to talk with each other and make it happen.
It is important to look in the past of the positive and loving experiences you had with your partner. At this point, don’t talk about the problems you now have. Think of all of the lovely experiences you once had. Think of what your partner did for you in a loving way. Share the specific things that you did together–that he or she did for you. Talk about it, experience it, and feel it together! Continue to do this assignment until you’re both convinced that you are satisfied with the results, and with each other.
Remember, don’t discuss the problems you now have in the present. Focus only on the wonderful experiences that you once shared together.
Discuss the Problems and Form a New Contract
Once you have discussed those past experiences, and you both agree on the mutual commitment you once shared, you are now ready to look at the things that went wrong. It is important to agree to discuss these problems without blaming each other. Discuss your desires, and express what you want from the partner; and your partner can do the same. Think of this stage in this way: Developing a new “Contract” with each other that will be mutually satisfying.
The Stage of Love
Now you are ready to talk about your feelings for each other, from the time that you first met. Share these feelings with each other. Look at your partner, and see him or her as the same person you first met. Think of the things you did together, and see the same “person” in the person you are talking to now. You are ready to express loving feeling towards each other– and express these feelings with gestures of love, hugs, kisses, and loving touches. Do these exercises until you both feel a mutual love for each other.
Conclusion
What I discussed are just the basics. Many couples will need to attend couple counseling sessions to work on difficult issues. In these cases, both partners need to be committed to want to work on the problems. Don’t let anger, blame, rejection, and a lack of trust prevent you from working on the issues in the relationship. Be open-minded and non-judgmental. Be patient, and communicate your wants, needs and desires with each other.
Fortunately, “You can create the love you want.” As we discussed, begin with some of these steps: Discuss commitment; think of the partner you once were attracted to; discuss the problems objectively without blaming each other; and focus on restoring the love that was lost. In essence, you can create a “new love” for each other that is mutually satisfying in the present–and will prepare you and your partner for the future.
SUPPORTIVE COMMUNICATION IS HEALTHY by Michael A. Panar
February 2, 2013
Jane and her husband Tim decided to work on their marital problems. They were married four years ago in a wedding where they felt they found their soulmate. Tim began to talk first, but he really was reluctant to come in and was anxious to leave. “She doesn’t care about what I think and does whatever she wants. I try to talk to her but she’s not interested in anything I have to say. I tell her about my work and all of my frustrations on my job in sales, but she’s not interested in anything I have to say.” At this point, Tim lowered his head towards the floor and seemed ready to walk out of the room.
Jane didn’t want to look at Tim, and seemed not interested in anything that he said. But then sne blurted out: “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tim, but you don’t care what I think. You never show any interest in me and you don’t pay attention to anything I say!” Jane was furious, and she wanted to continue the ‘attack.” She was waiting for him to say something. But now there was an eerie silence in the room.
The couple is drifting apart, and there is a greater emotional distance between them. It seems that they no longer have anything in common. And they didn’t want to be here. They would rather be miles apart at this moment.
After four years of marriage Jane and Tim have stopped being supportive of each other. They didn’t talk with each other in a loving and supportive way since the first year together. Jane and Tim have been going their separate ways for at least two years. They were both angry and unhappy in the relationship. They don’t share a partnership together. Intimacy is lacking. They are strangers in the same house. They could no longer provide support for each other.
The only way that this couple can resolve the problem and to be more supportive of each other, is to create a new partnership that would be supportive to both of their needs. This will require a lot of work, and working on new communication skills. But they can’t do this unless they feel a commitment toward each other. Fortunately in this case the couple decided to work on their problems and to learn to be more caring and supportive of each other. There is hope for this relationship.
Supportive Communication is Healthy
Supportive communication is the path towards mutual bonding of a couple that is responsive to the needs of the other. Both partners are attuned to the other’s needs. There is a good feeling of love between each other. Unsupportive communication engenders negative emotions in both spouses. These negative emotions can affect the health of the individuals. The immune and endocrine systems of the body get out of control and produce stress hormones, such as cortisone. The body’s health is in jeopardy, with the potential of causing physical conditions, such as arthritis, cancer, and cardiovascular disease, among others. The emotional health of the couple is also endangered with possibilities of depression or anxiety. Therefore unsupportive communication not only wrecks the relationship, but is dangerous to one’s overall health.
In essence, improving or preventing problems in the marriage will help you to feel love again. Your communication will be more supportive. Love will be expressed. You will be healthier. You will no longer just be ‘married’: You will be partners!
LIFE CAN BE WORTH LIVING by Michael A. Panar
January 21, 2013
Anna never felt good about herself. She thought that when she became thirty she would have the good life, and have a high self-esteem. She says, “I thought I would feel better about myself at this time in my life. But I feel worse.”
Ann feels it began in her childhood. She felt her mother was not there when she needed emotional support. This did not make her react and become rebellious. Instead it made her more dependent, as she unconsciously yearned for her parents’ approval.
During her teenage years she needed her mother even more. She would try to talk to her, but she would never have the opportunity to disclose her feelings. She felt rejected.
Anna never recovered from this rejection. She craved support and love from her husband. She felt inadequate in her job as a sales person. Although she was only thirty, she felt older than her years.
Fortunately Anna was interested in coming in for counseling. She worked on her problems through cognitive therapy, where she expressed her thoughts and feelings about herself, and learned how to work on changing them to more positive and rational ones. This required high motivation and effort. And she felt better about herself after four months of counseling.
Essentially, counseling can help you to understand and change the thoughts that could be destructive to your health and well-being. Complementing therapy with meditation and mindfulness can prevent you from going back to those unhealthy thoughts. You will feel happy about yourself, and more confident at home and at work. Life will be worth living!
OPTIMISM AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ENHANCE QUALITY AND LENGTH OF LIFE BY MICHAEL A. PANAR
January 10, 2013
New research reveals that laughter, optimism, and fulfilling relationships increase the chances for a longer and productive life. A positive attitude about life is a healthy approach and may increase longevity. Now, there is some evidence that a byproduct of Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives one pleasure, may have qualities that may engender longevity in humans. Dopamine, by itself, gives a person rewards that induces pleasure. Dopamine is also generated when one is on drugs or alcohol, which gives one pleasure, while at the same time harming the body. But this byproduct of Dopamine, a healthy effect on the body, is produced naturally through laughter, optimism, and satisfying, fulfilling relationships. Of course, more research is needed to understand the association between dopamine, happy relationships– and longevity, itself.
However it is comforting to know that you can have a healthier life through the type of relationships that you encourage in your personal life. I devote two chapters in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, to healthy relationships, and healthy relationships in the family. I describe the differences in toxic versus healthy relationships, and how to nurture and cultivate healthy connections with others. So, even if we don’t have all of the evidence on longevity, we know that healthy relationships will improve the quality of your life. It will positively affect health of body, mind, and spirit.
Jeannie and Dave
Jeannie wanted to have a fulfilling relationship in her marriage– and with her friends. But she was handicapped by her negative experiences in her family of origin. “My dad didn’t show any love to me and he criticised me a lot,” Jeannie said, with tears ‘flooding’ her eyes.
I tried to understand what she was going through, but all I could do was to listen empathically to her feelings. At this time, this is what she needed: Someone who really understood how she felt.
I encouraged her to have her husband come in a session with her. I felt it was important that they begin to communicate with each other, while I would try to elicit the feelings or desires that were important to work on. In two weeks, Jeannie came with Dave to the next session. He was a reclusive type of guy, not saying much, as he walked reluctantly in the session. Jeannie hurriedly said, “Dave, you can’t continue to ignore me. My dad did this all during my childhood, and now you’re doing the same to me! I can’t bear it anymore!” Again, her eyes were filled with tears, causing a stream to flow down her face. Jeannie couldn’t bear to look at Dave, as she turned her face away from him.
Dave was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what was going on in her mind, because she never expressed her feelings openly to him–and he never cared to know. She had kept everything inside for a long time, five years into her marriage. Dave gazed directly at her and said, somewhat angrily, “I never knew you were unhappy! I wish you would’ve told me.” He was a man of a few words, as an uneasy silence filled the room. Then Jeannie turned around and stared into his eyes. “I thought you knew I wasn’t happy!” She tried to hold back her tears as Dave reached out to hug her. At this moment, there was a turning point in their relationship. Of course this is only the beginning of the work they needed to do to improve their marriage. But it is the first step!
This couple needed something to jolt them into changing their way of relating to each other. Now they would need to work on constructing a partnership that will be fulfilling and satisfying for both of them. Jeannie’s past relationships with her father would have to be resolved for her, and Dave’s lack of emotional expression would need to be improved. But if they can get through this impasse, they will be well on their way to constructing a new positive, healthy narrative for a satisfying partnership.
You may not have the same problems as Dave and Jeannie, but we all can improve our relationships in the family and with others. As you nurture fulfilling relationships your overall health will improve. Longevity may increase, and your quality of live will be enhanced. Life will be truly worth living!
Jessica and Tim are having problems with their two teenage children, Mark and Lisa. Mark has been seeing his friends, and his parents don’t know where he is most of the time. And Lisa has been defiant, refusing to do her homework. Her grades have plummeted. The problems with Mark and Lisa have caused Jessica and Tim to argue a lot about the kids. The teenagers’ problems set the stage for increasing conflict between the parents– and the parents and the children. There is a cascade of conflict spiraling out-of-control in the family.
These problems have caused Tim to drink more and come home in a drunken state-of-mind. He often is angry and occasionally hits Jessica when he has some alcohol. He blames Jessica for the problems with the children. He thinks she should do more with them, and do something about their misbehavior. He is often angry and resentful towards Jessica, and it’s expressed in his drinking and anger towards his wife.
Jessica also has resentments towards Tim. She feels that Tim should take more responsibility as a parent. She sees him as deficient and incompetent as a father. Her blame and anger towards him is escalating, and becoming toxic to the relationship.
This reciprocal resentment towards each other adds further ‘reason’ to blame each other for the problems of Mark and Lisa. And each parent continues to feel that the other parent does a poor job, and should do something about the problems with their teenagers. There is an unending conflict over the children, which prevents them from doing something about the teens’ problems–and their own marital issues.
Typical Interaction Between Jessica and Tim
Jessica angrily lashed back at Tim. Jessica angrily says to Tim, “You know Mark stays out all night with his friends. When I tell him to be home early, he stays out even longer. And you don’t do anything about it, Tim!”
Frustrated, Jessica walks hastily out of the kitchen to her separate bedroom, and continues to scream relentlessly to herself.
Mark acts like he doesn’t care and takes another drink. He says in a disgruntled whisper, “She’s the reason the kids are like that.” He fell asleep on the living room couch.
Nothing is resolved. The argument in this situation focused on Mark’s problem, and the couple blaming each other for their son’s misbehavior. On other days the argument is about Lisa’s bad grades and her not caring about school or anything else.
The arguments between Tim and Jessica are “symmetrical”; that is to say, each blames the other and the quarrels become more intense until someone leaves the room, as Jessica did. But the ‘toxic’ relationship only gets worse and both parents are stressed-out to the level of distress. Nothing is resolved between the parents as they focus only on the children’s problems.
If this unhealthy problem continues, Mark will become even more defiant and cling to his friends. He will be more aloof from his family and is prone to be susceptible to unhealthy peer influences. Lisa will continue to do poorly in school and is vulnerable to depression or other mental disorders.
The parents’ unhealthy approach will not solve Mark’s or Lisa’s problems, and their own relationship is problematic.
A Search for the Underlying Problems
There is good news: Tim and Jessica can forge a new relationship that is symmetrical, but healthy. Instead of blaming each other for the children’s problems, they can re-focus on their own relationship. Mark can stop ‘stone-walling’ through alcohol abuse, and fighting with Jessica over the kid’s problems. Jessica can stop blaming Mark for the the children’s behavior, and begin to clearly express her own needs in the marriage. Both Tim and Jessica need to re-focus on the other’s needs, and communicate in a more clear and direct way with each other. As they improve their relationship, it will be easier for them to work together to resolve the problems confronting their children.
It was difficult for this couple to ‘switch gears’ and work on their own relationship. But the couple decided to work through their own issues, and try to separate the problems of the children from their own difficulties. As Tim and Jessica saw improvements in their communication, they were able to share feelings and ideas for working with Mark and Lisa.
Essentially, parents need to have a healthy relationship with each other. This will help you to be a positive role model for the children; you will be able to communicate with your children about the problems that they are experiencing at this time in their development. If this doesn’t happen the children’s problems are intensified, while the parents’ marital issues go unresolved.
There is hope at the ‘end of the rainbow’: Improving your own relationship will help you to be more loving and caring parents. You will no longer need to project your own issues onto the children. You will have a healthy family expressing healthy relationships.