Avoidance is harmful to the Relationship by Michael A. Panar
December 2, 2014
Jack’s father, Daniel, tended to avoid relationships in the family. He always wanted attention from his father but his father never responded to his needs. He felt rejected, and didn’t feel his father really cared for him . He continued to seek his father’s attention, but his dad rarely responded to his needs.
Dan (Jack’s dad) did associate with others outside of the family. He would join his friends at night, and would try to get their attention. He usually called attention to himself, and wanted his friends to see him as a superior person. Dan would ‘enhance’ himself in front of his close friends, which usually got their attention. He was elated when he got his friends’ attention. But when he returned home he became his usual self: He never talked much and wanted to be alone in his ‘workshop.’
Jack’s mother, Diane, wanted more affection from her husband to no avail. When she approached him he would turn away and go back to his workshop. She was disappointed but never said anything. There was an eerie silence in the room. Jack was unhappy for his mother. He wanted her to be happy. But her depression worsened to the point that she became non-responsive to her son’s emotional needs.
Years Later
When Jack became an adult he had problems in his relationships and in dating women. He couldn’t relate with the opposite sex no matter how much he tried. When he met a woman whom he was a attracted to, he had trouble expressing his feelings to her. The couple dated for a year but things got worse. Barbara expressed her feelings to Jack, but he was indifferent to her feelings. It was a one-sided relationship where she tried hard to get him to talk to her, but he only said a few words. Eventually she became frustrated and told Jack she wasn’t interested in him anymore. Jack was devastated when Barbara broke up with him, but eventually he went back to his usual behavioral patterns.
Jack continued to be unsuccessful in his relationships with women. Even if he would eventually marry, he thought, the love of his life would eventually end up like his mother–an unhappy wife and mother. He didn’t want that for anyone, but he still hoped that some day he would find someone to love and be happy with.
The Dismissive, Avoidant Personality
Although Jack resented his father’s rejection of him and his mother, he wanted his father’s attention and love. He craved for his father’s love, and felt sorry for his mother. He admired his father in other ways: His dad was a hard worker and was good with his hands. He could build furniture and other things. But he didn’t get the love that he needed from his father. He felt rejected and sad about it.
Conclusion
As Jack approached adulthood he was not successful in dating women, and when he met Barbara he couldn’t express his feelings openly. Instead, he would become dismissive and not pay attention to her needs and feelings. Barbara was not happy in the relationship. She wanted a man who would listen to her needs and feelings. She wanted a man who cared for her. But Jack was unable to listen to her feelings. He tried, but couldn’t do it. Barbara had enough of this neglect and broke off with him. Jack felt rejected but seemed to be unaware of the reason for her departure. He went out with other women after his first date, but his problem of dismissiveness and avoidance continued in these relationships.
Is there hope for Jack? Yes there is hope, but Jack would have to try harder to be responsive to the feelings of another. In his childhood and adolescence he had a dismissive, avoidant father who hardly paid attention to him. He was also negatively affected by his mother’s unhappiness and eventual depression. If he doesn’t make any effort to change his avoidant stance, he will replicate his father’s behavior in his own relationship. He, too, will become a dismissive, avoidant husband. And this can be carried over into generations to come.
But there is good news: A person, like Jack, can change when one is aware of the negative effects of childhood. It will take work to change, and probably counseling or therapy, but it will be well worth it. You don’t have to be a ‘victim’ of the past. Change is possible.
A child’s need for love and security
October 17, 2014
The child needs to trust a parent or a primary caretaker from birth to about one-years-old. But it’s not met unless the parent is consistent in loving and taking taking care of the child’s needs. This love the parent gives to the infant needs to be an unconditional love. Essentially the need for secure attachment begins in infancy.
As the parent provides for the physical needs of the child (breast feeding and providing for other needs) the parent provides love in various ways: loving gestures, touch, smiles, and singing to the child.
Touch is a basic way of providing love in tangible ways. Embracing the infant, and gently touching her (him) is a salient expression of love:
When the infant experiences these loving expressions, she begins to feel free to explore the world around her. When she feels the need to have loving contact she readily comes back to the parent. Receiving love becomes a part of the child’s self and feelings of acceptance.
Developing basic trust is only the beginning of a child’s inner security. Social psychologist, Erik Erickson, set this first development from birth to about two years of age. But the individual, through adulthood, struggles with this basic need. Therefore the benefits of trust and the need for it continues through the development of the individual. As the individual feels that he or she can trust, there is the mastery of hope. Hope is a positive feeling that helps the individual to continue to explore and then to come back to a loving relationship.
Trust when School Begins
As the child reaches other developmental milestones, she still needs to know that she is loved. During the preschool years, she needs the assurance that the parent will never falter in the rendering of trust.
When the child begins school, she needs the reassurance of a loving, accepting parent even more. The child meets other children and needs to be able to communicate with peers. The trust that she feels will carry over into her peer relationships and she will be able to take risks and accept friendship from others. Her inner confidence will be apparent and she will be able to be friendly and open to new friendships. She will be sociable and be willing to explore new friendships. She will feel confident in herself and in other’s.
The school-age child needs to be able to trust in all of the areas of his or her life. This includes being able to be aware of the parents continuing, unconditional love. She will be confident that she can always return to her parents for love and support. Even during difficult times she will be able to trust the parents–that they will always be there for her. These positive feelings will give the child trust and hope.
Trust in Adolescence
The need to trust is carried over into adolescence, when the teen needs to further explore the ‘outside’ world. Peer groups become even more important for the teen. The need to be accepted by others is paramount and close friendships help to build self-esteem. It is important at this time to bond with at least one or two close friends. Feeling accepted by others is salient at this time. Acceptance will enhance the teen’s self-image and self-worth. Basic trust needs to be crystalized before the teen can form a more ‘solid’ identity.
The teen still needs the love and support from his or her parents. Secure attachment must continue through adolescence. Parents are still important. The teen will always feel confident that the parents will always be there when needed–and at the same time being comfortable in going back to his or her friends and other peers. There is a ‘back-and-forth’ movement from home to peers, and peers to home. As long as the teen has this basic trust there will be optimal development. The teen will feel a sense of hope and confidence, and will more easily find a healthy identity.
Entering Young Adulthood
Beginning around eighteen-years-old the teenager is ready to enter into a new stage of life: adulthood. It may begin with college or entering the job market. Young adulthood is in the twenties and thirties, until the middle years of the forties and fifties. But each person may perceive the stage of their life in different way.
If all goes well, and the individual achieved a sense of trust and hope, he or she will be ready for the daunting tasks of adulthood: Establishing a family, which may include children coming into the home; getting a good job; financial security; and having a successful marriage and family relationship.
TRUST IN ADULTHOOD
Jane and Allen had a beautiful wedding and now were planning their life together, but the couple couldn’t trust each other. Their relationship began with love and passion, and they were happy during the first year of their marriage. However, beginning in the second year of their marriage they became distant from each other. The romance and passion seemed to be gone. They didn’t have those romantic feelings anymore. Jane was pregnant with their first child, but Allen wasn’t excited about it. Jane seemed to distance herself from him and there was an unpleasant silence in the home.
Jane and Allen didn’t argue with each other, but the “trust’ that they did have for each other wasn’t there. In other cases the lack of trust expresses anger, bitterness and jealousy. Distrust can express itself in various ways. In these situations there is a lot of anger, jealousy, and even violence.
In still other cases the individual may have problems in trusting another. The person may have difficulty in forming friendships. He or she may feel insecure and not confident in pursuing goals, assertiveness, and getting into intimate relationships.
In essence, the adult needs to continue to have healthy relationships through adulthood. The basic trust that was formed in the earlier years of life needs to be reinforce through adulthood and older age. It doesn’t stop in infancy, childhood or adolescence. Trust needs to be nurtured through a lifetime.
I begin this discussion with case examples of stress or distress with the goal of increasing your happiness and quality of life. All things can change for the better if we live in the moments of life, with the goal of reducing the problems that can occur from moment-to-moment.
Once you have clearly and objectively Identified the source of your distress, the next step is to pave the way towards a better quality of life and happiness. Think of this as a journey that may take time and patience to achieve. Let’s begin:
Examples of Stressful Situations
Sally is under a lot of stress. She and Jerry had a good relationship six years ago when they married. But now she’s not happy andcan’t talk to Jerry about anything. When she expresses her feelings he doesn’t want to listen, which is frustrating for her. She says things are getting worse and feels like giving up.
In another case, Tim recently lost his job and can’t find a job that he enjoys. He has to find something just to survive. He worries constantly about his self-worth and the fear of not surviving the loss.
In a third case, Ben and his wife, Beth, argue a lot and it seems never-ending. The conflict is escalating and things don’t seem to be getting better. They seem to be trapped in their conflict and there isn’t a way out.
In an individual case, Marie is often depressed and her thoughts wander in hopelessness. It is difficult for Marie to be in a healthy relationship because of her chronic depression, which prevents her from meeting anyone who can give her love and comfort. In Finally, Joan is bipolar and isn’t happy with her life. She becomes over-excited and at other time depressed. Relationships are a problem since no one knows what to expect from her. Her relationships usually breakup or are in constant turmoil.
These are just a few examples of the unhappiness and discontent that occur in the daily life of many people. It almost seems like a ‘normal’ part of life. One can’t imagine life without problems or even turmoil. You can probably think about many things that occur daily that doesn’t make you happy– or even are frustrating or upsetting. It also may be problems in your relationships. In either case, it can cause you stress or discontent. It can affect your inner contentment and peace.
The Path to Inner Contentment and Happiness.
Be aware of your discontent
The first step is to look within yourself and discern what is bothering you. What are you unhappy about? Is it your thoughts or feelings? Or does it come from the outside, in your relationships with others– or with some unfortunate event in your life? Or it may be both from the inside and outside. Whatever it may be, it’s important to identify the source of your discontent.
To understand what is really bothering you it is important to be in a quiet place without distractions. Allow your mind to focus on these thoughts, with calmness. Prioritize the three most important things that you feel are causing your distress or unhappiness.
Once you have identified the cause of your discontent or unhappiness, it is important to focus your attention and awareness on those things that bothered you or were stressful. You need to see them clearly in your mind’s eye. Focus on all of the reasons for your discontent, with acceptance and without judgment of them. Observe them in the mind’s eye until you are completely aware of them. Then let them go, gently.
After you’ve done that, turn to the thoughts in your mind that made you ‘see’ these things as stressful, troublesome, or terrible. Focus on these thoughts clearly and with complete acceptance. Watch them float in your mind and look at them clearly. Turn these thoughts into a metaphor of a leaf or bubble. Let them float away or fade away as you watch them pass through your mind’s ‘eye.’ Focus your attention on these thoughts as they come and go, and then eventually dissipate into oblivion.
Watch the rising and falling of your breath after your mind is clear of the unhealthy clutter that you just witnessed. Now focus on only the breath for ten minutes with no thoughts present, but only your breath.
Nurture Healthy Relationships
Healthy relationships help create inner contentment and happiness. Indeed, healthy relationships and happiness often go together: To be completely content and happy you need to be in healthy relationships. Healthy relationships also bring contentment. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss healthy relationships as crucial to a healthy “social self” and how the self needs to be in balance with mind, body and spirit. www.michaelpanar.com
Furthermore, Michael B. Frisch states in his book, “Quality of Life Therapy,” that happiness may be like a salad or a stew with different ingredients for different people. But life satisfaction is a key to happiness, and a healthy relationship is an important ingredient.
But what is a healthy relationship? This is a relationship that grows and matures. It consists of a couple (or friend) who really listens to the other. The partners always listen to the feelings and needs of the other. Love continues to grow in the relationship. Empathy and compassion for self and the other are cornerstones of this relationship. Partners are able to change for the better through the years, and they are resilient enough to strengthen their connection with each other even after struggles, crises or challenges. Partners in a healthy relationship are spiritual, and focus on the ‘possibilities’ in life and in their relationship
Conclusion
Quality of Life
It isn’t easy to have a “quality of life” that is satisfying and intrinsically rewarding. There will always be problems in life. Things won’t always go the way you would like. There will be problems in relationships over time. And there will be frustrations and disappointments over the course of life. There will be disabilities, or problems with you or your loved one’s health. We will all face losses over the course of time. But in spite of the uncertainties or difficulties in life, cultivating a “quality of life” will be rewarding and satisfying; it will make it easier to go through the challenges that will come your way. Begin today to reduce stress and enhance the quality of your life.
There is an implicit desire to find a loving partner and soul mate, whether you are presently dating, engaged, living together, or married for many years. There seems to be an innate desire to have a soul mate who will be your faithful companion for life. Even in this technological age, where spirituality is not the centerpiece of the culture, there is a spiritual longing for a soul mate.
It usually begins when you fall in love with the partner. Romantic love enchants you to feel emotionally attached to the other. The emotions of romantic love are captivating and intense. These feelings engender the perception of an enduring happiness. But it is a fanciful creation.
During steady dating and courtship the romantic feelings “tell” you that this is the “right” person for you. The intense feelings of romantic love seem real. The idealization of romantic love emotionally enmeshes you with your partner.
For instance, Jennifer was dating Tim for the past two years. From the beginning she fell madly in love with him. The feelings she had confirmed in her mind that Tim was the right man for her. “We did everything together, and we were very attracted to each other. I felt one with Tim. Without him I was lonely.”
“I felt the same way,” Tim said. “Without Jenny, I felt incomplete.”
Romantic feelings make you feel you found the right person. And you would be “incomplete” without the partner. Indeed, some sociologists call these feelings the “romantic love complex.” The feelings of romantic love are the basis of staying in a relationship. Being in love is the reason to get married or deciding to live together.
Social scientists have found that romantic love replaces kinship and family as a way to find your partner. In the past, parents had more control in the mate selection process. But as the parents’ authority declined the partners were free to choose their own partners. Romantic love became the “reason” to marry.
Jennifer and Tim had these feelings for each other. After three years of marriage, Jennifer could not imagine that the love she had for Tim would ever dissipate. “I loved Tim very much. There was never a doubt in my mind that he was the one for me.”
Tim felt the same way: “I still love her, but everything changed after three years of marriage. Jenny changed. She doesn’t respond to my needs anymore.”
“I still love Tim,” Jennifer says, “but I don’t feel the same way. He avoids me all the time, and I’m alone most of the time. The close communication we had is no longer there.”
For Jennifer and Tim, romantic love had waned, and the feelings they had for each other had evanesced after three years of marriage.
Indeed, a recent study reported that the “seven year itch” is no longer true. Instead, even after three years of marriage the feelings of romantic love seem to wane for many couples.
In short, romantic love is not enough to sustain a relationship, or to find your soul mate. But the emotions of romantic love are intense and mesmerizing. It’s easy to depend on it. “Falling in love” seems to be a natural process with biochemical effects. And it is an integral part of modern culture.
However, if you want to find a loving partner, or your soul mate, you need to go through six steps to accomplish this goal. Romantic love would still be a crucial part of your relationship. But to find your soul mate you need to do more. If you go through these steps you will increase your chances of finding your soul mate. These steps are consistent with sociologist Ira Reiss’s “Wheel Theory of Love.” Reiss elaborated on the stages of love that include rapport, mutual disclosure, fulfillment of each other’s needs, mutual dependency, and fulfillment of personality needs. It is really more than “stages”; it is like a “wheel” where there is a mutual interaction; and it continues to move in a circular motion as long as the partners communicate with each other.
The Six Steps
Nurture a Friendship
Become friends: As you enter steady dating or courtship you need to become friends, apart from the romantic feelings. Positive communication is the beginning of a friendship. Talk to each other about your interests and activities. Share feelings with each other. Feel comfortable with the other person as you talk about your feelings and desires. Emphasize the positive in your communication with each other.
Susan and Steve started their courtship in this way. Susan, for instance, felt comfortable in talking with Steve. “We worked at the same place and always looked forward to having coffee breaks together. And when we sat down together we could easily talk to each other about anything. It was all positive.”
Steve felt the same way: “I decided to talk to her about my dreams and desires. And she would listen to me. We were tuned into each other.”
Talk About Worries and Concerns
In addition to communicating positive feelings and desires (and forming a friendship) you need to feel that you can easily talk to each other about worries and concerns. You would be able to share these feelings.
Susan said, “I could easily talk to Steve about my fears. When I had a health problem I could talk to him and he showed compassion”
“She listened to my anxieties about my job,” Steve said. “I felt insecure in my job and I could easily talk to Susan about it. She understood my feelings.”
Communicate Without Blame or Criticism
When you talk with each other, don’t criticize or blame, but listen empathically to the other person. This is one of the qualities of Susan and Steve’s relationship: They were able to understand what the partner was saying, and were able to put themselves in the other’s place.
Empathy is the quality of really putting yourself in the other’s position: to really “experience” the partner’s feelings and emotions. At the same time, you are a ‘separate’ individual from the partner. Empathic listening would be a pivotal part of your communication with each other.
Cultivate Trust in the Relationship
It is also vital to cultivate trust in your relationship When there is trust you can easily confide in the other. Of course when you trust the partner you make yourself vulnerable. But this is not a problem for couples who have a mutual trust in the other. When you trust the partner, you feel more comfortable in disclosing your deepest feelings.
In another case, Kim and Dan’s marriage expressed an illusion of trust, since there wasn’t a mutual understanding. It was assumed that the partners would be faithful to each other. But Dan didn’t really accept the importance of trust in the relationship.
Nurture Intimacy
Once you have accomplished these initial steps you will be well on your way of becoming intimate.
Susan and Steve were successful in achieving intimacy in their marriage. Steve says, “I always felt comfortable in sharing my thoughts with Susan. She always understands, even if it’s something she doesn’t agree on.”
“I feel the same way,” Susan says. “I think the longer we are together the more intimate we are. I feel very close to Steve, and I hope it’ll always be that way.”
Intimacy is the disclosure of feelings in the relationship. Both partners are able to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. Intimacy includes sexual feelings and satisfaction, but it is much more than the physical dimension. It involves thoughts, feelings and emotions. There is a complete understanding and desire to know the partner. Yet there is always a mystery about the other person and the desire to know more about him or her. The “mystery” will always be there through years into the relationship.
Conclusion: The Spiritual Connection
As you ‘work’ on the five steps in your quest to build a loving partnership it is important to always focus on the spiritual connection. The spiritual connection is the sixth step, but it envelops the first five steps. At the same time you need to accomplish the five steps before you can achieve a more complete, spiritual connection.
Spirituality in the relationship expresses an all-giving love that is completely unselfish. It is not the romantic love of passion, but a love that is mature and compassionate. It is understanding and empathic. It is the mutual feeling of a genuine connection with each other. It is not an unrequited love It is a genuine love.
Passion and romantic love can still be a part of your marriage or relationship, but romantic love needs to be complemented with genuine love. The latter is the love you need to cultivate for life. It is an enduring love. It is the love that will bring you closer to finding your soul mate.
Once you and your partner master the ‘six’ steps you will avoid the pitfalls in your relationship. Therapist John Gottman described the pitfalls as destructive patterns in relationships. These destructive patterns are the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Distressed and unhappy couples express these patterns in their relationships. But after the six steps became a part of your relationship you will not have an “apocalypse.” You will have a loving partner and soul mate.
THERE IS ‘LIFE’ AFTER DEPRESSION by Michael A. Panar
April 14, 2014
Melinda feels a lot of stress in her life and it has caused her to be depressed. She says, “I’m upset about a lot of things. I think about my unhappy childhood when I was the ‘black sheep’ in the family. Mom and dad never paid any attention to me, and I felt rejected. This happened during my entire childhood. I never felt good about myself.”
Today she has problems in her relationships and doesn’t feel confident as a mother to her two teenage daughters. Melinda says, “I try to please Sid, but he doesn’t respond. When he does talk to me, he complains about everything. I don’t know what to say to him, and then he gets angry at me. And my daughters make it even more difficult for me; they don’t respect me and that makes me more depressed.”
Melinda feels overwhelmed with the problems of the past and present. She feels out-of-control. In the present problems in her relationship, and as a mother, she feels helpless and sees no hope for the future. She withdraws into her depression, which only exacerbates the problem.
Melinda takes antidepressant medication, which prevents her from being suicidal. But she still feels hopeless and helpless. She can’t function in her everyday life as a partner and mother. This only reinforces her feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Her self-esteen is shattered.
After Melinda began to realize that she wasn’t happy, and she was becoming more miserable every day, she decided to attend some counseling sessions. Melinda said, “It was hard to talk about my feelings for a while, but after I started to talk about it, I felt a great relief. And I was more elated that Sid agreed to come with me for some counseling. For the first time I felt hopeful about the future.” An unexpected smile appeared on her face.
Causes of Melancholy
Negative Thoughts
Chronic sadness, depression, or major depression can stop you from really living a healthy and fulfilled life. If you are in a situation, like Melinda, or just feeling sad or depressed a lot, you need to get back to understanding what is causing your melancholy. It is important to ‘look’ at your negative thoughts that keep entering your mind automatically. As these thoughts unrelentingly come into your mind, you will feel more depressed. They will begin to put yourself down, and make you feel the people around you feel the same way about you. You become more depressed and the depression escalates.
It is important, therefore, that you take control over your thoughts, not by resisting them but letting them go on their own. You can do this more easily through the practice of mindfulness. View your thoughts, one at a time, as they pass through your mind. Focus with attention on each thought as they pass through your mind. Imagine each thought is a leaf floating down the stream, and eventually fading away. Do this for at least five to ten minutes when you begin to feel depressed. Close your eyes during the exercise; then breathe for a while as you slowly open your eyes.
Support of Partner or Spouse
It helps if you have the support of your spouse or partner. A supportive partner, who is empathetic and understanding, will not take away the depression– but he or she can motivate you to do something about your depression. And if your partner is willing to come to counseling with you (like Melinda’s husband) it will help you and him to work toward a more supportive and loving relationship. Clear communication and acceptance of the other is vital to come to the best solution.
Shared Parenting
If you have problems with your children, you and the other parent can work on issues related to parenting and appropriate discipline for the children. This may be difficult, but if you are consistent you will get better results. And the depressed partner will feel more confident in the parenting role.
A Healthy Lifestyle
In my latest book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle: Secrets of Health and Happiness (www.michaelpanar.com), I discuss the importance of coping with sadness and depression. Early childhood experiences and enhancing the self are important factors in preventing or resolving moderate to major depression.
Conclusion
In essence, depression doesn’t have to be with you all the days of your life. There is ‘life’ after depression. And you don’t have to be sad, or even moderately depressed most of the time. If the source of the depression came from the past in an unhappy childhood, as in Melinda’s case, you can work on these issues of the past. But you are not focusing on the past; you are trying to resolve the “ghosts of the past” in the present moment. It is important to focus clearly on these ‘ghosts’ as you let them go.
It is vital to reconcile these issues through “talk therapy” and approaching your own parents (if they are available)about the past, if possible. Then you can move on to work on your present problems within the family, and by yourself in quiet awareness.
To be sure, it’s not easy, but you can have a ‘life’ after depression: Working on your ‘self’ and self-esteem is a beginning. Resolving problems of the past and present is crucial. Gaining mastery, and eliminating depression, can eventually take you to a more fulfilling and rewarding life. You will no longer be a ‘slave’ to the depression.
Listening Begins in the Family
It is in the family that you can learn to listen to another’s thoughts and feelings. Parents need to cultivate this skill from early childhood through adolescence–and they need to be role models. Parents can’t just tell the child to listen; they need to show it in their own behavior. They need to listen to the child’s needs, according to the developmental age of the child. So it’s important that the parent understands something about human behavior and child development. Parents also need to continue to practice on their own listening skills. It won’t be perfect. But it is a challenge that can be achieved.
The Art of Listening
Jennifer never learned to listen to another person. During her childhood she was often ignored and felt worthless. She says, “My parents never really paid attention to me. I think I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family. I had to do my own thing since my parents never showed me any love. I always felt bad about myself.”
Eventually Jennifer did her ‘own thing’ and was drawn into drugs and alcohol. Of course, Jennifer’s case is extreme, but this demonstrates the importance of listening in family life–beginning with the parents. Most of us, however, can always improve our listening skills. We can always become better listeners by becoming more empathic, and learning the skills needed be be better listeners. Essentially, listening is an art that can be further nurtured and cultivated.
Therefore every person will have differing skills in listening. Some may be able to do it well. Others, partly because of what they learned in childhood and adolescence, may have some difficulties in expressing empathetic listening. Still others may have a more difficult time, like Jennifer, in learning to listen well. But no matter where you are along this scale, you can always improve your listening skills. You can always be a better listener.
The first step is to understand your thoughts, feelings and emotions. Anger and depression, for instance, prevents you from listening well to another person. When you are angry there is inner tensions of the body, inner irritation and even disgust, which eventually make you “explode” in a fit of anger. At this moment you are unable to be calm enough to listen to that individual. The emotion of anger is controlling you.
In the same way depression is upsetting you so much that you don’t want to listen to another. You are so absorbed in self-blame or worry that you are unable to pay attention to another person. The emotions of being depressed is all consuming that you can’t focus on anything else.
In essence, it is important to ‘listen’ to your own thoughts and feelings, whether you are angry, depressed, or unable to listen for other reasons. Understanding the feelings beneath your emotions is an important step in controlling your own emotions, and being able to listen to a friend, work partner, acquaintance, your partner or spouse.
Once you are able to reflect on your feelings and emotions, you will be able to develop your skills in listening. Here are some of the steps in listening and speaking:
Steps in Learning to Listen and Speak
1) Practice with a family member, or someone you know well. Let the other person express his or her feelings, while you just listen carefully, without interrupting. When the other person is done speaking, look directly into that person’s eyes with the intention of understanding the feelings that were just expressed.
2) The next step is to reflect back those feelings that were expressed. Reflect while using your own words, and with the intention of trying to understand the thoughts and feelings conveyed. Never express your own thoughts and feelings at this stage.
3) At this point, stop and wait for the person to confirm that you are correct in your reflection.
4) If you have listened to the satisfaction of the listener, it is now your turn to express your feelings to that person, doing the same thing. You are now the speaker or expresser. Express your own feelings and desires without blaming the other person (who is now the listener).
You can practice these skills as often as you want, while letting the other person do the same. You can also practice it with other people as the situation requires. But remember, the parties involved must be willing to do this as a practice session. There also has to be a mutual caring for each other.
Learning these skills in the beginning will seem artificial, but as it becomes a normal pattern of relating, listening in this way will seem as natural as a gentle breeze.
Mindfulness and the Art of Listening
If you want to be a good listener, and have healthier relationship, mindfulness practice will help you. In my book, Create a Healthy Style (www.michaelpanar.com) I discuss in two chapters the ‘secrets’ of developing healthy relationships. In the book I also discuss meditation, mindfulness, loving-kindness and self-compassion. Mindfulness and spiritual growth can further enhance your listening skills.
I believe as you become more spiritual and practice self-compassion and compassion for another you will feel at one with your partner or friend. As you do this it is more likely that the other person will want to listen to you. In the Buddhist tradition, in addition to compassion (which is not pity but caring for the other), Loving-Kindness to yourself and the other person will strengthen your bond together. It will take practice, but as it becomes a part of you and your connection to the other, your spiritual bond will grow.
It is important, therefore, to be attuned to the needs and feelings of your partner or friend, and complement it with a spiritual connection. The rays of love will flow through one another.
Conclusion
Even though you didn’t have a childhood that was loving or safe it is still possible to cultivate your listening skills, and improve your relationships. You can further enhance your connections with your partner or friend through a spiritual connection that would enrich your social bond to a more spiritual level. It may be more difficult depending on the degree of your “secure attachment” in your childhood and adolescence. But don’t give up. Practice listening and enhance your spirituality. Eventually, the light of your love will be manifested in your relationships.
From Anger and Withdrawal to Loving-Kindness by Michael A. Panar
February 5, 2014
Laura states: When my partner John becomes angry, I try to avoid him by pretending to be busy or just walking away. But then he stays angry at me longer, until I try to make amends for something I didn’t think was my fault.”
John’s Anger and Laura’s Withdrawal
Laura is afraid and doesn’t know how to respond to John’s anger. His anger is escalating while she tries to avoid him. The only way John knows how to respond is by reacting in anger. But as she leaves the room or ignores his anger, he becomes angrier. The relationship involves an escalating spiral of anger and withdrawal.
If this unhealthy pattern continues, the relationship between Laura and John will be strained and both individuals will feel tension, anger and hopelessness. But after thinking through the problem, Laura decided to talk to John when he was reading the newspaper one day. She sat on the couch at a ‘safe’ distance from him, as he sipped his coffee and seemed to be focusing on the contents of the paper. Then she said, quite desperately: “John, we need to talk! I know we haven’t been talking much since Christmas, but we can’t go on like this.”
John was frustrated. “Look, Laura! I’m trying to read the paper and I can’t concentrate when you talk to me. Keep quiet!” Again he raised his voice that echoed mercilessly throughout the house.
“But I have to talk to you, John! We have to start talking to each other instead of being mad all the time, if we’re going to make this relationship work,” Laura pleaded. She lowered her head towards the floor as teardrops flowed endlessly from her pouring eyes.
John stared at her, angrily, and began to walk out of the living room. Laura was sad, but then she became angry herself, yelling endlessly as tears continued to flow down her wet cheeks.
If the couple’s interaction continues in this way the ‘relationship’ itself will become ‘angry.’ The couple will be in a “dance of anger” with both partners reacting to the anger of the other. When this occurs anger will characterize the relationship. Anger will spiral upward and there can be a continuous escalation of anger–or the anger can stay at a high, stable level. When the anger stays at the same level, it is possible that the couple will continue in this angry relationship indefinitely. In this case, both partners will be stressed out or depressed. The health and well-being of the partners will be in jeopardy. The couple will be trapped in a “dance of anger” that can continue for years at the detriment of the individuals in the relationship.
Being angry only adds more “fuel to the fire.” It’s important to focus and be aware of the thoughts and feelings that make you angry. In John and Laura’s situation, John is the angry one. But he is gradually making Laura angry, even though she is sad and depressed. Her anger is about to explode if John continues to be angry. There is no expression of love, and neither partner is giving or receiving love. John is expressing anger and Laura is festering with anger within. The dance-of-anger is imminent if there isn’t any change in this relationship.
Laura and John’s Path to a Solution
Weeks passed by, and for the first time John ‘noticed’ the Laura he knew five years ago when they first met. He ‘felt’ her emotions as she became silent and sad. He didn’t notice her emerging frustration that she was beginning to expressed. He only noticed her sadness and perhaps her need for his love. His anger dissipated. John reached out to her as he gently held her hand. He looked into Laura’s eyes as she gazed directly into his–and they made eye contact. For the first time, since they first met, John and Laura were able to experience the feelings of the other. Each of them ‘felt’ the empathy and compassion of the other. It was a new beginning in their relationship: Restoring some of the feelings that they had forgotten, but once shared with each other. The dance-of-anger was abated.
If this couple continues to relate in this new, healthy way, and don’t return to their unhappy, dysfunctional pattern, a loving connection with each other is possible. They will be able to grow in compassion for self and the other–and cultivate a relationship of loving-kindness.
Cultivating the Art of Loving-Kindness
Loving-kindness comes from the Buddhist tradition of ‘Compassion for Self and Compassion for the Other,’ but it is also compatible with Christianity and other religions. Both of these ‘compassions’ must go together in perfect harmony. With loving commitment you can become kind and loving to yourself and your partner. Loving-Kindness is the final outcome of your effort.
Empathy
Empathy is an ingredient of Loving-Kindness. It is a skill that can be learned, although it will be easier when you had a loving, safe, and secure childhood. But you can learn empathy through the practice of listening to each other. (Create a Healthy Lifestyle explains healthy and unhealthy communication patterns: www.michaelpanar.com). Loving-Kindness occurs in an empathetic relationship. Couples need to be attuned to the needs of each other and learn to listen to the needs of the partner. When both partners do this together there will be a perfect symphony in the couple relationship.
Conclusion
In relationships, like Laura and John’s, the relationship pattern was withdrawal (Laura’s stance) and John’s anger. Laura withdrew because she was afraid of John’s anger. She couldn’t trust him. She feared violence. John had continued to react in anger, although he wasn’t physically abusive. But Laura’s fear made it impossible for her to respond to his needs. He only demanded her submission to his needs. She felt she had no other choice but to withdraw. If this pattern would continue there will be further escalation of anger and withdrawal. The couple would grow further apart and be alienated from each other.
But there was good news in this case. John eventually noticed Laura’s distress in the relationship and he wasn’t happy himself. After some therapy, John began to understand the feelings behind his anger. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. He needed to sort through his resentments, bitterness and his unexpressed need for closeness and intimacy. As he became more attuned to his own feelings and needs, he began to listen to Laura’s needs. This took time but it was well worth the effort.
Loving-Kindness towards each other would not be possible unless the couple resolves the problems of anger and withdrawal. Listening to each other, and changing unhealthy patterns, will pave the way for a relationship that expresses Loving-Kindness towards the other. A relationship of Loving-Kindness will further enhance the quality of love.
Secure and loving attachment for the child can occur when parents become attuned to the needs of the child. There is a “dance of attunement” when the parent is completely in sync with the child, and they become as one. The parent is connected with the child in such a way that the child feels the parent really understands him or her.
In addition to the parent’s relationship with the child, the relationship of the parents expresses love for each other. Their communication is clear and affectionate. There are more positive and loving exchanges between the parents. There is an overt and covert expression of love for each other and for the child. The atmosphere in the home is loving and accepting–an ‘echo’ that radiates through the ‘threads’ of the family relationship.
I will begin with a case example of Melinda’s family:
Case Example: Melinda
Melinda states, “I want to have the best for my children but my husband but we are always arguing, and I think it’s bad for the kids. Tim thinks I’m spoiling the kids, but I’m the only parent who’s there for them. He always want to see his friends, instead of being home with me and the kids. I tell him how I feel but he’s always defensive, and we get into a bigger argument.” Melinda couldn’t talk any longer as tears poured unrelentingly down her cheeks.
In the family situation, Melinda says that her son,Todd, age 8, is misbehaving in school, and there are many complaints from his teachers. Todd doesn’t pay attention to them as he shows little interest in school. And he constantly teases another classmate beside him. Her daughter, Sara, often doesn’t want to go to school. She pretends she is sick but there is no clear, physical problem. Problems with the children are escalated as Melinda and her husband continue to argue about the children.
If these toxic relationships continue in Melinda’s family there will be a further psychological gap between the parents and the children. The problems will continue, and the mental, physical and spiritual health of the family will be in jeopardy.
Nurturing Secure and Loving Attachment for The Child
In this section I will discuss ways to resolve problems of attachment and preventing inadequate attachment from occurring in the first place:
Parents Need to Work Together
When two parents are in the home they need to coordinate together their approach for the children. In Melinda’s case she needs to talk to her husband about the problems and to ask him for his support. Tim was willing to work with Melinda, and they began to talk with each other about their concerns. They agreed to contact the school together, and approach their children with loving concern; they also were willing to come in for family therapy. They learned to work together and approach their children with loving concern rather than using a more punitive approach.
A single parent may have more difficulty in resolving these problems, perhaps because of the lack of support. Or having the complete burden of parenting on yourself. However, restoring a more supportive and loving connection with the child will help him or her to feel safe and secure. You may also have the support of grandparents, or a partner who is living with you. The important thing is to approach the problem in a loving and supportive way. And more importantly, restore a loving and caring relationship with the child that has been lacking for some time.
Secure Attachment begins in Early Childhood.
It is best to begin cultivating secure attachment in the child from early childhood through adolescence. It is never too late, however, to restore some degree of attachment in later childhood. But it is even better to begin from early childhood through adolescence. The child will feel secure and loved from the beginning– and it can evolve to a more emotionally healthy development later in his or her life.
Communication with the Child
Clear communication with the young child is crucial during early development. It begins with sending clear, loving messages to your child. Make sure the child receives the message of ‘love.’ You can easily do this by listening to your child’s needs and feelings, and discern whether the child feels your love. Being attuned to your child’s needs and feelings will help you to receive positive feedback. In addition, a good way of communicating is reading stories with your child. It will not only enhance reading skills, but it will enrich the child’s connection with the parents. As the child is able to read on his own, he can read the stories back to you, rather than you reading all the words.
Providing Discipline
Parents can’t escape the reality that there will be times when the child will need to be disciplined. But what is the best way to discipline. Often parents become angry or upset with the child when he or she misbehaves. Parents may become angry or even ignore the child. Of course this is not the best way to discipline the child, and will often make things worse.
So what is the best way to discipline the child. Studies have shown that combining discipline with love is the best way: “Authoritative” parenting. This type of discipline is not harsh or punitive. The parent teaches the child to listen, through providing rewards (tokens) or withdrawal of things the child has or wants. No matter what type of discipline you give, the child still ‘knows’ your love.
Playing with Your Child
Playing with your child is also important: Let your child ‘direct’ the play session using her imagination as she (or he) plays with stuffed animals, trains, cars, or dolls in the play session. As the child plays, let her be in ‘charge’ of the play while you reflect back what she is doing in the session. As the child becomes older she or he will have different ways of playing based on development. The important thing is to reflect and let the child use his or her imagination as you continue to be supportive–and play as the child ‘directs.’
Sending Messages of ‘love’
It is also important to communicate clearly to your child the love and confidence you have in him or her. Always make sure you are sending clear, loving messages verbally or in action. The child can sense your feelings and moods. It can be negative or positive. But if you send clear messages of your acceptance and love, in attunement with the child needs, it will be easier for him or her to feel loved and secure.
Loving Attachment through the Years
As I discuss in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, loving attachment needs to be consistent over the days, weeks and years. It is not enough to do it at one point in the child’s development and then change your pattern of interaction. You would need to focus your attention on what you are doing–being consistent and building an even better relationship with the child. Secure, loving attachment needs to continue, without interruption, from early childhood to late adolescence. The child will then feel loved and accepted during the course of childhood, adolescence, and eventually into young adulthood. The child’s future will be promising. Loving and secure attachment will be her legacy.
In Search for a Soul Mate: A Loving partnership by Michael A. Panar
November 15, 2013
Jane says, “I had a lot of relationships, but I never could find my soul mate. Will I ever be able to have a soul mate? I’m beginning to lose hope.
Jane is like many people who don’t feel they have ever had a ‘perfect’ relationship with a soul mate. The idea of a soul mate has always been a magical concept that can’t be explained in scientific terms. It is seen as a spiritual connection that is beyond any explanation. It is felt that finding a soul mate is a destiny that has nothing to do with the world as we know it. It is purely spiritual.
Therefore, the individual has no control of finding a soul mate. It just happens. It is not coincidental. It is a spiritual event that a person has no control of. But here is good news: You can have a relationship that will realize your dreams of having a partner who is your soul mate–through a loving partnership that you can nurture day-to-day and moment-to-moment. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I explain the importance of relationships and some of the qualities of healthy relationships. You can further refer to this book on healthy relationships and a healthy lifestyle. Now I will discuss the steps towards a loving partnership:
Change Romantic Love to a Partnership
An intimate relationship usually begins with an emotional attachment to the other. You feel strongly attached to that person and can’t imagine ever separating. There is a mutual tendency to want to be with each other. Your attachment is purely emotional and you feel a deep love for that person. The attraction is strong and you want to be with him or her most of the time.
Other Reasons for getting into a Relationship
Of course, there are practical reasons that a person may get into a relationship with someone, such as: money, convenience. isolation or desperation. A person may want to get into an intimate relationship to exert control, or subconsciously wants a person to abuse or dominate.
There may be mental health problems, such as a need for a person to have control of another. For instance, the narcissist doesn’t really ‘love’ himself or herself, but needs to control someone to love him or her. Or a person with a ‘borderline personality disorder’ needs someone to vent his or her emotions. The dependent persons needs someone to be dominant. The angry person needs someone to control. There are many mental health problems and a lot of dysfunctional reasons to enter an intimate relationship. But these are not healthy reasons for entering an intimate connection with another.
From Romantic Love to a Partnership
Since an intimate relationship begins with romantic love and passion the couple becomes quickly attuned to each other. There are strong emotions that attract them to each other. The “romantic love complex” is the feelings of love and sex that encompasses passionate love. Therefore during the beginning of a relationship the couple experiences a very ‘close’ connection. But it is based on an emotional and sexual attraction. It is a passionate love based on the “romantic love complex.”
It is important to begin a relationship with such intensity, but it is short-lived– and passionate love doesn’t last too long. But for some couples it may last longer than others. It depends on how long you can keep the passion alive.
Commitment
In view of the short ‘life span’ of romantic love, it is vital that you begin to develop a love for each other that is more enduring. In doing so, you need to convert passion and romance to a loving partnership. But to do this, you need to have a commitment to that person and the relationship. A commitment is a strong desire to want to be with that person. You need to be clear about it, and feel that this is the person you want to be with.
The Path to a Partnership
With this commitment you will be able to begin a path towards a partnership. It will not be easy. There are many things you and your partner will have to do to develop your partnership. And you need to continue to sustain your desire to be with each other through good times and bad. Here are just a few basic steps to nurture your loving partnership:
1) Disclosure
Trust is important for your relationship. You need to be comfortable with that person, and be able to trust him or her. You need to ‘know’ each other in an intimate way that other people will never know. Only you and your partner will know each other emotionally and physically.
The partner will know the most personal things about you, but at the same time you will continue to be an individual. You will always be a unique person in the fullest sense, and your partner will love you more for that. Therefore, being able to be a unique person and still be able to disclose your intimate needs and feelings to the other will be in synchrony.
2) Empathy and Compassion
You and your partner need to learn communication skills. This involves being able to express your feelings with each other without projecting blame onto the other. At the same time you need to show understanding of the other’s feelings and needs with empathy and compassion. Expressing your own feelings and listening to the partner need to be a mutual undertaking by both partners.
3) Develop the Narratives
Once you and your partner have completed these two steps, you are now ready to work together to develop ‘stories’ in your connection with each other. “Stories” or narratives are the things you want to share with each other for a more enduring relationship. You will already be attuned to the needs and feelings of each other, which will be the foundation for a loving and satisfying connection with the other. But you also need to keep your communication open with each other as new needs or situations arise. As time goes on you may have to revise some of these narratives so that both of you will be satisfied. It is an ongoing process through time, although you will be doing it moment-to-moment in time.
Conclusion
As you nurture and cultivate a partnership with each other, you are creating an enduring love for each other that goes beyond the “romantic love complex” of ‘passionate love.’ You will feel the love for each other more deeply, and your relationship will continue to grow through the cycle of life. And you may have found your ‘Soul mate.’
A Holistic Approach to Prevent Dementia by Michael A. Panar
November 1, 2013
Joan is worried that she may end up with dementia as she gets older. She says, in a worrisome tone, “I know I’m only fifty, but my parents had Alzheimer’s when they were in their seventies. I’m afraid I might end up just like them.
The Genes and Alzheimer’s
Joan has a reason to be concerned about having the gene for Alzheimer’s. But even when your parents haven’t had Alzheimer’s you may be uncertain whether you will be the victim of this disease as you reach age seventy or beyond. There is still no guarantee that anyone will not have Alzheimer’s in their lifetime. There is, of course, a gene for Alzheimer’s (Apolipoprotein E (ApoE) that may predispose a person to this disease. Inheriting E4/E4 alleles (one from each parent) is a major risk factor. But who will get Alzheimer’s in later life is not clear. We do know that about half of those over seventy-five will have the disease sometime during the later years. But it’s uncertain whether you or one of your loved ones will have this terrible disease in their sixties and beyond. You may not know even if you have the test for the gene.
Therefore, it is better to have a positive goal of preventing Alzheimer’s, than to worry about it. For instance ApoE is usually involved in lipid (fat) metabolism and the transportation of cholesterol through the body. So it seems reasonable to keep your bad cholesterol (LDL) down to a normal level. Also be sure your weight is close to the normal range.
There are other types of dementia, such as vascular dementia, that results from blood clots in the brain. But some of the things that you can do to prevent or delay Alzheimer’s could prevent these other dementias. No matter where you are in life, or how old you are, it is worth the effort to work on preventing this terrible disease.
Therefore I will discuss how you can prevent Alzheimer’s, or other types of dementia, based on a holistic perspective. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I further explain a holistic path to health and happiness, through cultivating the four dimensions of the human condition: Mind, Body, Spirit, and the Social Self.
The Holistic Approach to Prevention of Dementia
First Step–The Physical Body
The physical self needs to be taken care of to get rid of the toxic effects that can harm the body. This simply means eating plenty of fruits and vegetables (the ‘greens’) and not eating an excessive amount of fatty meats such as red meat. Omega-3 fats found in cold water fish like salmon is healthy. Drinking fruit and vegetable juice, as well as teas rich in antioxidants is recommended. Eat a balanced diet, which will provide all of the necessary vitamins and minerals that you need. Vitamin E is also an efficient free radical that can remove the excess copper and iron in the brain, which make up the plaques in Alzheimer’s that tangle the neurons in the brain.
Alcohol and Smoking
It is also important to refrain from alcohol and tobacco. One glass of alcohol may not harm you, but avoid regular consumption of this drug. Alcohol can do damage to the body: It can deprive you of essential nutrients and is toxic to the brain. It can discourage eating healthy foods since alcohol can become addicting. It has an effect on your ’emotional brain’ that will have devastating effects on the nerves that carry messages in the brain and to the body. It increases the level of dopamine in the brain that is a ‘pleasure’ factor in any type of addiction.
Smoking is just as destructive, and also has addicting effects on the body. Prolonged exposure to second-hand smoke is also problematic, and should be avoided. Smoking constricts the arteries in the body and the brain, allowing blood clots to form. These effects can eventually lead to heart attacks or strokes. It is a major cause of other dementias, such as vascular dementia, but it also may contribute to Alzheimer’s.
Exercise
Exercise at a minimum of four times a week, especially brisk walking or other fast movement exercises. You may add weightlifting, push-ups, and sit-ups to your exercise program. Make sure you do this regularly. Exercise has beneficial effects on the circulation, which helps bring oxygen and glucose (sugar is changed to glucose) to the brain. Blood flow will be circulating through the body, nourishing the body and the brain. It keeps blood vessels healthy and well.
Recent studies also show that exercise promotes the generation of new nerve cells in the hippocampus, the memory and learning center of the brain.
Exercise may help you to lower your blood pressure. It is important to bring your blood pressure down, since high blood pressure increases your risk of developing dementia. Normal blood pressure is 120/70 but if it’s excessively higher than that it is risky. For instance, a systolic pressure (the heart at work) of over 140 is risky and you should keep it lower than that– ideally, close to the normal range. It is also important to know that a healthy heart is good for the brain.
Second Step–The Mind and the Emotions
Stimulate your mind with something challenging, like learning a new language. Read something that is interesting and challenging. Learn something that you pursued in the past, and seek new interests. As you learn new things your nerve cells or neurons continue to grow in the frontal cortex of the brain, and new neural pathways add-on to the pathways that you already have. Your upper part of your brain, the cortex, grows along with the growth in the neural pathways. Strengthening your mind can help prevent, or at least delay the onset of Alzheimer’s because of the increase of neural pathways in the brain.
Avoid Toxic Emotions
In addition to stimulating the mind, you need to control your ‘bad’ emotions and prevent them from taking over your mind. These toxic emotions include: anger, rage, resentments, worry and jealousy. Change your negative thoughts to more positive thoughts and refrain from toxic relationships. When you feel anger or other negative thoughts and feelings, work at changing them to more positive ones. These negative emotions can wreak havoc to your body and brain, sending stress hormones throughout, and causing damage to the brain. It is important to be calm and relaxed so the stress hormones, such as cortisone, will do no harm to your body or brain.
Third Step–The Social Self
Avoid Toxic Relationships
It is vital to cultivate positive, healthy, and loving relationships that are supportive and rewarding. Avoid those toxic relationships that can harm the brain and the body. It will engender chronic stress that can produce stress hormones for a long period of time; this can have an overwhelming, negative effect on the body and mind. Chronic stress on the brain can be devastating. The emotional brain, the amygdala (a part of the Limbic System) is on ‘high gear’ that causes neurons in the brain to become strained and vulnerable. The neural networks in the brain are compromised.
In essence, create healthy, loving connections with family, friends and others. You will not only be happy and content. You will be healthier than you were before, which makes you less vulnerable to dementia.
Fourth Step–The Spiritual Self
Spiritual growth will prevent the emotional part of the brain from leaping into ‘high gear’. As the mind/brain calms down and you live in the moment, healthy hormones are produced, such as oxytocin, which has a calming effect and reduces stress. Meditation and mindfulness are the recommended practices to make this come about, but you can also do this in a religious/spiritual way. The practice of mindfulness can become a way-of-life; and meditation can eventually come naturally.
The Nun Study
An interesting study (the Nun Study) which has been conducted for over 20 years, revealed that these Catholic nuns lived into their hundreds and had little evidence of cognitive decline. They were able to learn new things, such as a foreign language, even into their nineties. They exercised, ate healthily, prayed and lived spiritually. The findings showed low incidences of cognitive decline and dementia.
The Breath, Meditation and Prayer
The breath is basic to mindfulness: Make time to focus your attention on the breath as you breathe in and out for ten to twenty minutes at least twice a week. Meditate or pray in silence as a part of your daily life. The frontal cortex will begin to grow as shown in brain scans of subjects in various studies. Your brain will reap the benefits as you cultivate spiritual growth.
Conclusion
I discussed four steps to prevent dementia, based on the four dimensions of the human being: body, mind, spirit, and the social self. Epigenesis tells us that our experiences can affect our genes, and even change them. When you make all of these dimensions a part of your healthy lifestyle, you will be able to delay– or even prevent the onset of dementia.