Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Laura states:  When my partner John becomes angry, I try to avoid him by pretending to be  busy or just walking away. But then he stays angry at me longer, until I try to make amends for something I didn’t think was my fault.”

John’s Anger and Laura’s Withdrawal

Laura is afraid and doesn’t know how to respond to John’s anger. His anger is escalating while she tries to avoid him.  The only way John knows how to respond is by reacting in anger. But as she leaves the room or ignores his anger, he becomes angrier. The relationship involves an escalating spiral of anger and withdrawal.

If this unhealthy pattern continues, the relationship between Laura and John will be strained and both individuals will feel tension, anger and hopelessness. But after thinking through the problem, Laura decided to talk to John when he was reading the newspaper one day.  She sat on the couch at a ‘safe’ distance from him, as he sipped his coffee and seemed to be focusing on the contents of the paper. Then she said, quite desperately: “John, we need to talk! I know we haven’t been talking much since Christmas, but we can’t go on like this.”

John was frustrated. “Look, Laura! I’m trying to read the paper and I can’t concentrate when you talk to me. Keep quiet!” Again he raised his voice that echoed  mercilessly throughout the house.

“But I have to talk to you, John! We have to start talking to each other instead of being mad all the time, if we’re going to make this relationship work,” Laura pleaded.  She lowered her head towards the floor as teardrops flowed endlessly from her pouring eyes.

John stared at her, angrily, and began to walk out of the living room. Laura was sad, but then she became angry herself, yelling endlessly as tears continued to flow down her wet cheeks.

If the couple’s interaction continues in this way the ‘relationship’ itself will become ‘angry.’ The couple will be in a “dance of anger” with both partners reacting to the anger of the other. When this occurs anger will characterize the relationship. Anger will spiral upward and there can be a continuous escalation of anger–or the anger can stay at a high, stable level. When the anger stays at the same level, it is possible that the couple will continue in this angry relationship indefinitely. In this case, both partners will be stressed out or depressed.  The health and well-being of the partners will be in jeopardy. The couple will be trapped in a “dance of anger” that can continue for years at the detriment of the individuals in the relationship.

Being angry only adds more “fuel to the fire.” It’s important to focus and be aware of the thoughts and feelings that make you angry. In John and Laura’s situation, John is the angry one. But he is gradually making Laura angry, even though she is sad and depressed. Her anger is about to explode if John continues to be angry. There is no expression of love, and neither partner is giving or receiving love. John is expressing anger and Laura is festering with anger within. The dance-of-anger is imminent if there isn’t any change in this relationship.

Laura and John’s Path to a Solution

Weeks passed by, and for the first time John ‘noticed’ the Laura he knew five years ago when they first met. He ‘felt’ her emotions as she became silent and sad. He didn’t notice her emerging frustration that she was beginning to expressed. He only noticed her sadness and perhaps her need for his love. His anger dissipated.  John reached out to her as he gently held her hand.  He looked into Laura’s eyes as she gazed directly into his–and they made eye contact. For the first time, since they first met, John and Laura were able to experience the feelings of the other. Each of them ‘felt’ the empathy and compassion of the other. It was a new beginning in their relationship: Restoring some of the feelings that they had forgotten, but once shared with each other. The dance-of-anger was abated.

If  this couple continues to relate in this new, healthy way, and don’t return to their unhappy, dysfunctional pattern, a loving connection with each other is possible. They will be able to grow in compassion for self and the other–and cultivate a relationship of loving-kindness.

Cultivating the Art of Loving-Kindness

Loving-kindness comes from the Buddhist tradition of ‘Compassion for Self and Compassion for the Other,’ but it is also compatible with Christianity and other religions.  Both of these ‘compassions’ must go together in perfect harmony. With loving commitment you can become kind and loving to yourself and your partner. Loving-Kindness is the final outcome of your effort.

Empathy

Empathy is an ingredient of Loving-Kindness. It is a skill that can be learned, although it will be easier when you had a loving, safe, and secure childhood. But you can learn empathy through the practice of listening to each other. (Create a Healthy Lifestyle explains healthy and unhealthy communication patterns: www.michaelpanar.com). Loving-Kindness occurs in an empathetic relationship. Couples need to be attuned to the needs of each other and learn to listen to the needs of the partner. When both partners do this together there will be a perfect symphony in the couple relationship.

Conclusion

In relationships, like Laura and John’s, the relationship pattern was withdrawal (Laura’s stance) and John’s anger. Laura withdrew because she was afraid of John’s anger. She couldn’t trust him. She feared violence. John had continued to react in anger, although he wasn’t physically abusive. But Laura’s fear made it impossible for her to respond to his needs. He only demanded her submission to his needs. She felt she had no other choice but to withdraw. If this pattern would continue there will be further escalation of anger and withdrawal. The couple would grow further apart and be alienated from each other.

But there was good news in this case. John eventually noticed Laura’s distress in the relationship and he wasn’t happy himself. After some therapy, John began to understand the feelings behind his anger. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. He needed to sort through his resentments, bitterness and his unexpressed need for closeness and intimacy. As he became more attuned to his own feelings and needs, he began to listen to Laura’s needs. This took time but it was well worth the effort.

Loving-Kindness towards each other would not be possible unless the couple resolves the problems of anger and withdrawal. Listening to each other, and changing unhealthy patterns, will pave the way for a relationship that expresses Loving-Kindness towards the other. A relationship of Loving-Kindness will further enhance the quality of love.