SUPPORTIVE COMMUNICATION IS HEALTHY by Michael A. Panar
February 2, 2013
Jane and her husband Tim decided to work on their marital problems. They were married four years ago in a wedding where they felt they found their soulmate. Tim began to talk first, but he really was reluctant to come in and was anxious to leave. “She doesn’t care about what I think and does whatever she wants. I try to talk to her but she’s not interested in anything I have to say. I tell her about my work and all of my frustrations on my job in sales, but she’s not interested in anything I have to say.” At this point, Tim lowered his head towards the floor and seemed ready to walk out of the room.
Jane didn’t want to look at Tim, and seemed not interested in anything that he said. But then sne blurted out: “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tim, but you don’t care what I think. You never show any interest in me and you don’t pay attention to anything I say!” Jane was furious, and she wanted to continue the ‘attack.” She was waiting for him to say something. But now there was an eerie silence in the room.
The couple is drifting apart, and there is a greater emotional distance between them. It seems that they no longer have anything in common. And they didn’t want to be here. They would rather be miles apart at this moment.
After four years of marriage Jane and Tim have stopped being supportive of each other. They didn’t talk with each other in a loving and supportive way since the first year together. Jane and Tim have been going their separate ways for at least two years. They were both angry and unhappy in the relationship. They don’t share a partnership together. Intimacy is lacking. They are strangers in the same house. They could no longer provide support for each other.
The only way that this couple can resolve the problem and to be more supportive of each other, is to create a new partnership that would be supportive to both of their needs. This will require a lot of work, and working on new communication skills. But they can’t do this unless they feel a commitment toward each other. Fortunately in this case the couple decided to work on their problems and to learn to be more caring and supportive of each other. There is hope for this relationship.
Supportive Communication is Healthy
Supportive communication is the path towards mutual bonding of a couple that is responsive to the needs of the other. Both partners are attuned to the other’s needs. There is a good feeling of love between each other. Unsupportive communication engenders negative emotions in both spouses. These negative emotions can affect the health of the individuals. The immune and endocrine systems of the body get out of control and produce stress hormones, such as cortisone. The body’s health is in jeopardy, with the potential of causing physical conditions, such as arthritis, cancer, and cardiovascular disease, among others. The emotional health of the couple is also endangered with possibilities of depression or anxiety. Therefore unsupportive communication not only wrecks the relationship, but is dangerous to one’s overall health.
In essence, improving or preventing problems in the marriage will help you to feel love again. Your communication will be more supportive. Love will be expressed. You will be healthier. You will no longer just be ‘married’: You will be partners!
LIFE CAN BE WORTH LIVING by Michael A. Panar
January 21, 2013
Anna never felt good about herself. She thought that when she became thirty she would have the good life, and have a high self-esteem. She says, “I thought I would feel better about myself at this time in my life. But I feel worse.”
Ann feels it began in her childhood. She felt her mother was not there when she needed emotional support. This did not make her react and become rebellious. Instead it made her more dependent, as she unconsciously yearned for her parents’ approval.
During her teenage years she needed her mother even more. She would try to talk to her, but she would never have the opportunity to disclose her feelings. She felt rejected.
Anna never recovered from this rejection. She craved support and love from her husband. She felt inadequate in her job as a sales person. Although she was only thirty, she felt older than her years.
Fortunately Anna was interested in coming in for counseling. She worked on her problems through cognitive therapy, where she expressed her thoughts and feelings about herself, and learned how to work on changing them to more positive and rational ones. This required high motivation and effort. And she felt better about herself after four months of counseling.
Essentially, counseling can help you to understand and change the thoughts that could be destructive to your health and well-being. Complementing therapy with meditation and mindfulness can prevent you from going back to those unhealthy thoughts. You will feel happy about yourself, and more confident at home and at work. Life will be worth living!
OPTIMISM AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ENHANCE QUALITY AND LENGTH OF LIFE BY MICHAEL A. PANAR
January 10, 2013
New research reveals that laughter, optimism, and fulfilling relationships increase the chances for a longer and productive life. A positive attitude about life is a healthy approach and may increase longevity. Now, there is some evidence that a byproduct of Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives one pleasure, may have qualities that may engender longevity in humans. Dopamine, by itself, gives a person rewards that induces pleasure. Dopamine is also generated when one is on drugs or alcohol, which gives one pleasure, while at the same time harming the body. But this byproduct of Dopamine, a healthy effect on the body, is produced naturally through laughter, optimism, and satisfying, fulfilling relationships. Of course, more research is needed to understand the association between dopamine, happy relationships– and longevity, itself.
However it is comforting to know that you can have a healthier life through the type of relationships that you encourage in your personal life. I devote two chapters in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, to healthy relationships, and healthy relationships in the family. I describe the differences in toxic versus healthy relationships, and how to nurture and cultivate healthy connections with others. So, even if we don’t have all of the evidence on longevity, we know that healthy relationships will improve the quality of your life. It will positively affect health of body, mind, and spirit.
Jeannie and Dave
Jeannie wanted to have a fulfilling relationship in her marriage– and with her friends. But she was handicapped by her negative experiences in her family of origin. “My dad didn’t show any love to me and he criticised me a lot,” Jeannie said, with tears ‘flooding’ her eyes.
I tried to understand what she was going through, but all I could do was to listen empathically to her feelings. At this time, this is what she needed: Someone who really understood how she felt.
I encouraged her to have her husband come in a session with her. I felt it was important that they begin to communicate with each other, while I would try to elicit the feelings or desires that were important to work on. In two weeks, Jeannie came with Dave to the next session. He was a reclusive type of guy, not saying much, as he walked reluctantly in the session. Jeannie hurriedly said, “Dave, you can’t continue to ignore me. My dad did this all during my childhood, and now you’re doing the same to me! I can’t bear it anymore!” Again, her eyes were filled with tears, causing a stream to flow down her face. Jeannie couldn’t bear to look at Dave, as she turned her face away from him.
Dave was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what was going on in her mind, because she never expressed her feelings openly to him–and he never cared to know. She had kept everything inside for a long time, five years into her marriage. Dave gazed directly at her and said, somewhat angrily, “I never knew you were unhappy! I wish you would’ve told me.” He was a man of a few words, as an uneasy silence filled the room. Then Jeannie turned around and stared into his eyes. “I thought you knew I wasn’t happy!” She tried to hold back her tears as Dave reached out to hug her. At this moment, there was a turning point in their relationship. Of course this is only the beginning of the work they needed to do to improve their marriage. But it is the first step!
This couple needed something to jolt them into changing their way of relating to each other. Now they would need to work on constructing a partnership that will be fulfilling and satisfying for both of them. Jeannie’s past relationships with her father would have to be resolved for her, and Dave’s lack of emotional expression would need to be improved. But if they can get through this impasse, they will be well on their way to constructing a new positive, healthy narrative for a satisfying partnership.
You may not have the same problems as Dave and Jeannie, but we all can improve our relationships in the family and with others. As you nurture fulfilling relationships your overall health will improve. Longevity may increase, and your quality of live will be enhanced. Life will be truly worth living!
Jessica and Tim are having problems with their two teenage children, Mark and Lisa. Mark has been seeing his friends, and his parents don’t know where he is most of the time. And Lisa has been defiant, refusing to do her homework. Her grades have plummeted. The problems with Mark and Lisa have caused Jessica and Tim to argue a lot about the kids. The teenagers’ problems set the stage for increasing conflict between the parents– and the parents and the children. There is a cascade of conflict spiraling out-of-control in the family.
These problems have caused Tim to drink more and come home in a drunken state-of-mind. He often is angry and occasionally hits Jessica when he has some alcohol. He blames Jessica for the problems with the children. He thinks she should do more with them, and do something about their misbehavior. He is often angry and resentful towards Jessica, and it’s expressed in his drinking and anger towards his wife.
Jessica also has resentments towards Tim. She feels that Tim should take more responsibility as a parent. She sees him as deficient and incompetent as a father. Her blame and anger towards him is escalating, and becoming toxic to the relationship.
This reciprocal resentment towards each other adds further ‘reason’ to blame each other for the problems of Mark and Lisa. And each parent continues to feel that the other parent does a poor job, and should do something about the problems with their teenagers. There is an unending conflict over the children, which prevents them from doing something about the teens’ problems–and their own marital issues.
Typical Interaction Between Jessica and Tim
Jessica angrily lashed back at Tim. Jessica angrily says to Tim, “You know Mark stays out all night with his friends. When I tell him to be home early, he stays out even longer. And you don’t do anything about it, Tim!”
Frustrated, Jessica walks hastily out of the kitchen to her separate bedroom, and continues to scream relentlessly to herself.
Mark acts like he doesn’t care and takes another drink. He says in a disgruntled whisper, “She’s the reason the kids are like that.” He fell asleep on the living room couch.
Nothing is resolved. The argument in this situation focused on Mark’s problem, and the couple blaming each other for their son’s misbehavior. On other days the argument is about Lisa’s bad grades and her not caring about school or anything else.
The arguments between Tim and Jessica are “symmetrical”; that is to say, each blames the other and the quarrels become more intense until someone leaves the room, as Jessica did. But the ‘toxic’ relationship only gets worse and both parents are stressed-out to the level of distress. Nothing is resolved between the parents as they focus only on the children’s problems.
If this unhealthy problem continues, Mark will become even more defiant and cling to his friends. He will be more aloof from his family and is prone to be susceptible to unhealthy peer influences. Lisa will continue to do poorly in school and is vulnerable to depression or other mental disorders.
The parents’ unhealthy approach will not solve Mark’s or Lisa’s problems, and their own relationship is problematic.
A Search for the Underlying Problems
There is good news: Tim and Jessica can forge a new relationship that is symmetrical, but healthy. Instead of blaming each other for the children’s problems, they can re-focus on their own relationship. Mark can stop ‘stone-walling’ through alcohol abuse, and fighting with Jessica over the kid’s problems. Jessica can stop blaming Mark for the the children’s behavior, and begin to clearly express her own needs in the marriage. Both Tim and Jessica need to re-focus on the other’s needs, and communicate in a more clear and direct way with each other. As they improve their relationship, it will be easier for them to work together to resolve the problems confronting their children.
It was difficult for this couple to ‘switch gears’ and work on their own relationship. But the couple decided to work through their own issues, and try to separate the problems of the children from their own difficulties. As Tim and Jessica saw improvements in their communication, they were able to share feelings and ideas for working with Mark and Lisa.
Essentially, parents need to have a healthy relationship with each other. This will help you to be a positive role model for the children; you will be able to communicate with your children about the problems that they are experiencing at this time in their development. If this doesn’t happen the children’s problems are intensified, while the parents’ marital issues go unresolved.
There is hope at the ‘end of the rainbow’: Improving your own relationship will help you to be more loving and caring parents. You will no longer need to project your own issues onto the children. You will have a healthy family expressing healthy relationships.
Taking the Stress Out of Christmas by Michael A. Panar
December 15, 2012
Marie says, “There is so much to do in December and I feel a lot of stress. I can’t relax. I know that I should be happy before Christmas but I’m busy shopping. And my three kids, who are in second, third and fifth grade are driving me crazy. How can I relax before I go out of my mind?”
Marie is just one case example of the overwhelming stress that one can have during this time of the year. There seems to be no time to relax and the amount of stress seems to be piling up constantly. There is a feeling of a lack of control. As a person loses control, the more stress he or she will feel.
During this time of year we want to be happy and ‘jolly.’ We want to prepare for one of the greatest Holidays of the year. We expect to be happy, not only for religious reasons, but because it ia a special Holiday for the children. And we want the best for them. Children are anxious about Christmas and are expecting gifts at this time. Adults are looking forward to the holiday and the gifts for their loved ones and friends. Family rituals abound during this time. Expectations are high. It is a time of joy from year-to-year for everyone.
But because of these efforts during the holiday season, and the high expectations, there can be a lot of stress. You may not be able to do all of the things you set out to do. Thoughts and feelings may become negative. Your expectations for satisfying others may not be met. And after the holidays there may be various thoughts: “It didn’t work the way that I expected,” “I thought he’d be happy with the gift,” “I feel tired from all this effort,” “It could’ve been better.” There can be many types of feelings and thoughts before and after the holidays.
For some people, there can be a big let-down at the end of the holidays, and depression can set in. For others they may be susceptible to a type of ‘depression’ called Seasonal Affective Disorder, which usually occurs after the holidays during January and February.
The good news is: You can do something about Christmas, to make it a more joyful and fulfilling time. It doesn’t have to be a disappointment or depressing time. There are some things you can do to avoid the risk of sadness, depression, let-down, or even disappointment:
Since expectations are high during this time of the year, the first step is to lower them to more realistic levels. When you give a gift, do it from your heart. Do it out-of-love, not wondering how the person will react to your gift. Don’t shop frantically, making you anxious and stressed-out. Enjoy each experience of buying and wrapping the gifts in a spirit of mindful meditation, moment-by-moment.
Buy gifts and other things according to the realities of your budget. This will help you not to worry afterward about your financial problems.
Enjoy time with family and friends, but make some time for yourself to be alone and contemplate. You need to balance your time with others and time for yourself.
Make time to relax and meditate. You deserve some time to do relaxation techniques and mindful meditation. Do a Progressive Relaxation exercise, tensing and relaxing each muscle of the body from head-to-toe. Do this exercise while breathing deeply, in-and-out.
Focus on the religious and spiritual reason for the season, and practice on what you are comfortable with. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss spiritual health, and how it is important to your total health–of mind, body, spirit, and your social relationships. You can use this approach during Christmas and into the new year.
These are just some of the ways that you can take the stress out of Chistmas. It doesn’t have to be a let-down or make you feel that it wasn’t good enough. It can be a happy and healthy time for you, your family, and friends. It can help you to begin the New Year with satisfaction and new hope.
Toward a Healthier Life as We Age
November 28, 2012
Aging begins at birth and continues through the later years. But we don’t usually think of aging during the younger years. It is only during middle age that we are aware of our own aging, such as the unwanted changes in our skin and loss of hair. As we look into the mirror we become more cognizant of our own aging. But even as we see the changes, we deny it to ourselves by using various kinds of makeup and moisturizers. As we look for all of the changes that seem to occur quite frequently during this time, we desperately search for a ‘solution.’
Therefore, it seems that we are continuing to search for the elusive “fountain of youth.” It is a fantasy that seems to be the miraculous cure for our aging bodies. So we try a variety of ways to hopefully eliminate or at least disguise the reality of aging. At the extreme end, we may take botox or have plastic surgery. Or, at the least, we take all kinds of supplements to forestall or ‘stop’ the aging process. But no matter what we do, evidence of aging continues to haunt us. We may conceal it for awhile. However, as we look at ourselves and our reduced energies, the reality is not pleasant.
In spite of all of these fears and anxieties about aging, we can reframe our thinking about aging. As we get older we can continue to be healthy. As we become healthier, we will achieve a more positive view of aging. It doesn’t have to be an inevitable decline, but rather, a continuing growth to a healthy life. We will be more satisfied with our life and actually look forward to getting older.
There are many things we can do to age healthily, and feel better about ourselves:
Exercise
The first step is to exercise intensely for about thirty minutes a day. Make sure you combine aerobic and weight-lifting as an important part of your program. Exercise will improve the circulation of blood and give you a healthy heart and brain. You will also feel good and refreshed after exercising. Of course, consult with your physician if you have a physical condition. Do the best that you can, and increase the intensity of the exercise as you are able.
Stimulate the Mind
Stimulating the mind will make your brain healthier. Nerve cells or neurons will continue to grow, even as you grow older. You may be able to prevent or delay the onset of Alzeimer’s disease or other types of dementia. Your brain will continue to ‘grow’ as you age. You also will have a better self-image and self-esteem.
Discover New Projects
You don’t have to do the same things as you grow older. There can be new projects and possibilities. Try something new that you’ve never done before. Find a new hobby that you enjoy. Go back to school. Do a creative art project or write a book. The possibilities are limitless, but it has to be an interesting and stimulating activity that you will enjoy.
Practice Mindfulness
Although meditation and mindfulness is important at all ages, during the later years it is even more essential to practice mindfulness in all of the things that you do. Mindfulness is focusing on your experiences with acceptance and without expectations. Judgment is suspended, and you can perceive anything from moment-to-moment. You can get a more clear view of the reality around you, whether it is a relationship, object, or the beauty of nature. It is difficult at first, but with practice you will become more skillful with the ‘art’ of mindfulness.
I discuss “healthy aging” in a chapter of my latest book, “Create a Healthy Lifestyle: ‘Secrets’ of Health and Happiness.” I explain in further detail the path towards healthy aging, with some case examples. The crucial point is that you can become healthier as you grow older, beginning at Middle Age through the older years. But it’s important to begin today, no matter what your age is today. Enjoy the journey!
Resolving Distress Helps You To Enhance Your Self
November 16, 2012
Stephanie asks, “I’ve tried to meditate or relax but it’s hard for me. I have a lot of stress at work, and my two teenage kids drive me crazy. My husband works a lot and he’s not too supportive. How can I relax with all of this stress?”
Stephanie is overwhelmed with the ‘bad’ stress that she experiences every day. As she continued to talk about her problems, tears began to flow down her cheeks. “I don’t know where to start. There are too many things to worry about.”
After attending a few counseling sessions. Stephanie decided to talk with her husband, Joe. “I don’t know if you know what I’ve been going through for the last year, but I need your support, Joe. I wish you could help me with the kids, because they are getting out of control. They don’t listen to me.” Stephanie pleaded with him while tears flowed profusely from her eyes.”
Joe was taken aback, as if he didn’t know there was a problem. He had been so involved with his job at the department store where he worked that he never recognized what Stephanie was going through. But then he said, in a gentle and caring way, “I’m sorry that I didn’t know that you were having a hard time. I guess I thought you were strong and didn’t need my help. But I guess I was wrong!”
Stephanie was relieved that Joe understood her feelings and the stresses that she was going through. She was grateful that Joe cared about her feelings.
This was a new beginning for this couple. Joe was ready to take more responsibility at home. And he was able to talk to the children and set reasonable rules. This relieved a lot of stress for Stephanie. She felt more in control of her life and was now able to relax and meditate. After six months, Stephanie seemed happy with her sparkling smile. She said, happily: “I feel very relaxed today. The kids are even listening to me more than they ever did!” Now, Stephanie will be able to enhance herself in a way she’s never done before.
In one Chapter of my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I discuss the importance of self-esteem and enhancing the self. In Stephanie’s case, she needed to resolve the distress at home before she could work on herself. As she felt more in control of her life– and have a better relationship with Joe–she would be able to work on her “self.” It will be easier for her to relax and feel at peace.
Essentially, it’s important to resolve the problems and stressors around you at home or at work. Then you will be able to enhance your self. Eventually, you will be able to be mindfully aware of the experiences in your life. Meditation will be easier, and you’ll be on your way towards a “healthy lifestyle.”
Discover a New “You” and Become More Resilient
November 5, 2012
Stacie says, “I would like to have a better relationship, but every time I’m serious with a man it falls apart. How could I have a good relationship with someone?
Stacie just turned twenty-two and she doesn’t feel good about herself. She says, “I never thought much about myself. I wanted to go to college but I never tried. I’m working as a waitress, but I don’t find it satisfying. I have to work or I wouldn’t have any money to live on.” Stacie’s early experiences were also disappointing: “I always felt excluded in my family. I felt my sister had anything she wanted. And recently my last three relationships didn’t work. I always blamed myself when things didn’t work out for me.”
Stacie’s experience of failure occurred through her childhood and adolescence. She had more negative than positive experiences. These experiences affected her self-esteem and resilience. Each bad experience was devastating for her. And she blamed herself when things didn’t work out like she wanted. Each failure made it more likely that she would fail again. Each failure negatively reinforced her feelings that nothing would work. This caused her to be depressed, and she blamed herself for her failures. This set her up for further failures, and an increasing loss of resilience.
If you have similar problems, like Stacie, you would need to work on these issues that stopped you from moving on, or coping with negative experiences in life. Each failure can reinforce your feelings of hopelessness, or blaming yourself for any failures you may encounter. Even small failures may be magnified and make you feel that you will ‘fail’ again. Resilience will continue to spiral downward. It will become a vicious cycle of ‘failure,’ self-blame, and more sadness.
Stacy withdrew in a depressive state of hopelessness. This changed the chemistry of her brain–and stress hormones over-flowed in her body. She would get tired easily and couldn’t do any physical exercises. She couldn’t do anything at home, and was unable to concentrate when she tried to sit down and read. Her thoughts were replete with self-pity and helplessness.
If you are in a similar situation, it is important to confront your negative thoughts and emotions. This may be difficult to do on your own. You may need to talk with a supportive counselor who can help you sort through the negative thoughts and feelings.
Some of you may be able to tackle this problem on your own. You can read my book, “Create a Healthy Lifestyle” that helps you to be healthy and happy in a holistic way. Focus on how you feel about yourself, and the source of those inadequate feelings about self. Take care of your physical and spiritual health. And discover some of the positive and satifying things you can do today. Change will not come quickly. The negative thoughts and feelings will keep trying to intrude on your mind and perceptions. But continue to do the “baby steps” of working on each thought at a time. Gradually you will feel better about yourself and be motivated to do things you couldn’t do when you were depressed such as: getting into a new relationship, going to college, pursuing the things you always wanted to do, and enjoying the wonderful things in life.
As you become less depressed, or sad, you will discover a new “you.” You will become more resilient and able to cope with the difficult challenges that life may give you. Your resilience will continue to grow. Life will be more rewarding.
The Child Needs Love and Discipline to Feel Safe and Secure
October 22, 2012
Mary Ann states, “I’m planning to be a parent, and I heard a lot about what a good parent should be. Some people think a parent should be a strong disciplinarian. Others say you should give love and not emphasize the discipline. The different ideas of parenting are confusing to me.”
Both positions are correct if they are together. Competent parenting includes love and discipline. Family research has shown that “authoritative” parenting is the most effective approach. It involves discipline and love that complement each other.
When you discipline your child, you need to be consistent and firm–but not harsh. You should be able to explain to the child the type of discipline you are giving, and the reason for it. It should be explained and talked about, but not yelled about.
In addition, physical punishment really is not as effective as taking away some of the things the child wants—or saying “no” to an activity the child desires. Physical punishment may even cause a backlash: The child learns that violence is appropriate. So it is important to use other forms of discipline: such as withholding something the child wants, or using a more positive approach of providing appropriate rewards for good behavior.
Along with consistent and reasonable discipline, the child needs nurturing. The child needs to know that you love and accept her. The love needs to be expressed directly to the child. An example is Teddy’s father, Joe, who is a very strict disciplinarian. Joe says, “I was brought up in a strict home. My father was in control of the house and everyone had to listen to him. If I violated his rules he would be angry and hit me. He wasn’t abusive. He just wanted me to listen.”
Joe carried out this same discipline in his own family. “I’m not going to let Teddy get away with anything. He’s thirteen and starting to ‘act out.’ I’m not going to put up with that!”
Teddy’s behavior hasn’t changed, but in front of his father he seems well-behaved. When his father is not home he hits his younger brother and yells at his mother. He is also starting to misbehave in school. His school grades have plummeted and the teachers are starting to lose patience. But fear of his father has increased. When he is with his father he seems docile.
In this situation Joe believes in harsh punishment. He will resort to physical punishment when necessary. But Teddy listens to his father when he is present, but in his absence he reacts angrily. Teddy’s fear of his father is effective in controlling his behavior, as long as Joe is present.
In this example, Joe is an “authoritarian” parent, a parent who believes and enacts harsh punishments. This type of parent can’t express loving feelings to the child. The child is surrounded by rules. The parent may love the child but it’s not expressed. And the child is in constant fear. The child may suppress his “bad” behavior in front of the parent, but in other surroundings he will unleash his anger towards other
Therefore the best approach is to provide love and nurturing from the time the child is an infant through adolescence; this will cultivate a secure attachment for the child. Her self-esteem and self-confidence would be enhanced.
Essentially, providing love and discipline (authoritative parenting) is a healthy parenting stance. Love and discipline are clearly expressed to your child. Positive discipline– or providing suitable rewards for good behavior–is a crucial ingredient. You will help your child feel safe and secure–providing secure attachment. The child will reap the benefits, even into adulthood.
There is Hope for Depression
October 11, 2012
Stacey says, “When I’m depressed I can’t do anything. It makes me feel miserable. I don’t pay attention to my six and ten year old daughters, and I can’t do anything around the house. When I go to work at the department store, I can’t keep my mind on the job. I keep feeling incompetent at home and at work. Problems in my marriage also didn’t help.”
Negative Thoughts and Feelings
Depression occurs when you feel helpless and hopeless. You feel that everything is going wrong in your life, and you can only ‘see’ these hopeless thoughts in your mind. Soon, these negative thoughts and feelings take over your everyday life, and there is nothing else in your life. Eventually these negative thoughts become “automatic” and come to you anytime during the day, and are pervasive when you are trying to get some sleep. Your length of sleep is shortened, and you can become sleep deprived. The next day, it doesn’t get better and the automatic, negative thoughts continue through the day. Like Stacey, this prevents you from doing the things you want to do during the course of the day.
Changes in the Brain
Depression, of course, can be caused by any type of experiences in your life, such as: the death of a loved one, very low self-worth, accidents, a major crisis, health problems, heartbreak, and marital distress. These experiences can set off very sad and negative thoughts that don’t easily go away. They will also result in changes in the brain, such as lowering the neurotransmitter, serotonin–and triggering the hypothalamus to turn on the pituitary gland. Stress homones are produced from the pituitary gland (at the base of the brain)–which stimulate the adrenal glands to produce the stress hormone cortisol. Thus the proliferating, negative thoughts changes the brain and the chemistry of the body.
Marital Distress
If you have similar problems as Stacey, you are confronted with a lot of issues. But at the core of Stacey’s problem is the relationship. Over the years, Stacey’s connection with her husband, Tom, became increasingly distant. She felt alone and lonely in the marriage. Eventually this bothered her incessantly, and negative, automatic thoughts and feelings ran through her mind. It was so troubling that it affected her relationship with her children, and performance on her job. She had a lot of sleepless nights, which affected her overall health.
You may have different issues than Stacey, but the effect can be the same: having numerous negative feelings that affect you at home, work, or in the world.
Resolving the Problem
The first step is to resolve the primary problem: In Stacey’s situation she would need to discern whether the problems in the marriage can be resolved. You would need to look at your own life and know what has happened, such as low self-worth, death of a loved one, loneliness, a crisis, health problem, or adversity. It is helpful to recognize the initial event. After you’ve done this, ‘watch’ the negative thoughts or feelings running through your mind. ‘Look’ at them separately as they pass through the mind’s ‘eye.’ Learn from them and then ‘let go.’ Do this as a daily mindfulness practice. Then begin to breathe deeply, in and out, until you feel peaceful and relaxed. Practice this exercise any time during the day.
Sometimes it will be helpful to attend counseling sessions to work through the problem: Cognitive therapy sessions can help you to change your thoughts to positive or more rational ones. Couple counseling may help you and your partner to resolve issues in the relationship. Grief counseling may help you through the grieving process. Focusing on the initial event that precipitated the depression can be beneficial.
Mindful Meditation
Finally, you can work on your depressed throught on your own, through focusing and accepting these thoughts– and then letting them flow away. You can practice breathing exercises. There are other things you can do: walking meditation; mindfulness on an object in the house, or in nature; being mindful of the chores and tasks you do daily; and just being mindful (or meditate) on your own mind and thoughts–“with acceptance.”
Depression doesn’t have to be a hopeless condition or disorder. There is a way out of this seemingly fettered situation, and life can have a new meaning for you. A new beginning is at the other side of the ‘rainbow.’