From Anger and Withdrawal to Loving-Kindness by Michael A. Panar
February 5, 2014
Laura states: When my partner John becomes angry, I try to avoid him by pretending to be busy or just walking away. But then he stays angry at me longer, until I try to make amends for something I didn’t think was my fault.”
John’s Anger and Laura’s Withdrawal
Laura is afraid and doesn’t know how to respond to John’s anger. His anger is escalating while she tries to avoid him. The only way John knows how to respond is by reacting in anger. But as she leaves the room or ignores his anger, he becomes angrier. The relationship involves an escalating spiral of anger and withdrawal.
If this unhealthy pattern continues, the relationship between Laura and John will be strained and both individuals will feel tension, anger and hopelessness. But after thinking through the problem, Laura decided to talk to John when he was reading the newspaper one day. She sat on the couch at a ‘safe’ distance from him, as he sipped his coffee and seemed to be focusing on the contents of the paper. Then she said, quite desperately: “John, we need to talk! I know we haven’t been talking much since Christmas, but we can’t go on like this.”
John was frustrated. “Look, Laura! I’m trying to read the paper and I can’t concentrate when you talk to me. Keep quiet!” Again he raised his voice that echoed mercilessly throughout the house.
“But I have to talk to you, John! We have to start talking to each other instead of being mad all the time, if we’re going to make this relationship work,” Laura pleaded. She lowered her head towards the floor as teardrops flowed endlessly from her pouring eyes.
John stared at her, angrily, and began to walk out of the living room. Laura was sad, but then she became angry herself, yelling endlessly as tears continued to flow down her wet cheeks.
If the couple’s interaction continues in this way the ‘relationship’ itself will become ‘angry.’ The couple will be in a “dance of anger” with both partners reacting to the anger of the other. When this occurs anger will characterize the relationship. Anger will spiral upward and there can be a continuous escalation of anger–or the anger can stay at a high, stable level. When the anger stays at the same level, it is possible that the couple will continue in this angry relationship indefinitely. In this case, both partners will be stressed out or depressed. The health and well-being of the partners will be in jeopardy. The couple will be trapped in a “dance of anger” that can continue for years at the detriment of the individuals in the relationship.
Being angry only adds more “fuel to the fire.” It’s important to focus and be aware of the thoughts and feelings that make you angry. In John and Laura’s situation, John is the angry one. But he is gradually making Laura angry, even though she is sad and depressed. Her anger is about to explode if John continues to be angry. There is no expression of love, and neither partner is giving or receiving love. John is expressing anger and Laura is festering with anger within. The dance-of-anger is imminent if there isn’t any change in this relationship.
Laura and John’s Path to a Solution
Weeks passed by, and for the first time John ‘noticed’ the Laura he knew five years ago when they first met. He ‘felt’ her emotions as she became silent and sad. He didn’t notice her emerging frustration that she was beginning to expressed. He only noticed her sadness and perhaps her need for his love. His anger dissipated. John reached out to her as he gently held her hand. He looked into Laura’s eyes as she gazed directly into his–and they made eye contact. For the first time, since they first met, John and Laura were able to experience the feelings of the other. Each of them ‘felt’ the empathy and compassion of the other. It was a new beginning in their relationship: Restoring some of the feelings that they had forgotten, but once shared with each other. The dance-of-anger was abated.
If this couple continues to relate in this new, healthy way, and don’t return to their unhappy, dysfunctional pattern, a loving connection with each other is possible. They will be able to grow in compassion for self and the other–and cultivate a relationship of loving-kindness.
Cultivating the Art of Loving-Kindness
Loving-kindness comes from the Buddhist tradition of ‘Compassion for Self and Compassion for the Other,’ but it is also compatible with Christianity and other religions. Both of these ‘compassions’ must go together in perfect harmony. With loving commitment you can become kind and loving to yourself and your partner. Loving-Kindness is the final outcome of your effort.
Empathy
Empathy is an ingredient of Loving-Kindness. It is a skill that can be learned, although it will be easier when you had a loving, safe, and secure childhood. But you can learn empathy through the practice of listening to each other. (Create a Healthy Lifestyle explains healthy and unhealthy communication patterns: www.michaelpanar.com). Loving-Kindness occurs in an empathetic relationship. Couples need to be attuned to the needs of each other and learn to listen to the needs of the partner. When both partners do this together there will be a perfect symphony in the couple relationship.
Conclusion
In relationships, like Laura and John’s, the relationship pattern was withdrawal (Laura’s stance) and John’s anger. Laura withdrew because she was afraid of John’s anger. She couldn’t trust him. She feared violence. John had continued to react in anger, although he wasn’t physically abusive. But Laura’s fear made it impossible for her to respond to his needs. He only demanded her submission to his needs. She felt she had no other choice but to withdraw. If this pattern would continue there will be further escalation of anger and withdrawal. The couple would grow further apart and be alienated from each other.
But there was good news in this case. John eventually noticed Laura’s distress in the relationship and he wasn’t happy himself. After some therapy, John began to understand the feelings behind his anger. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. He needed to sort through his resentments, bitterness and his unexpressed need for closeness and intimacy. As he became more attuned to his own feelings and needs, he began to listen to Laura’s needs. This took time but it was well worth the effort.
Loving-Kindness towards each other would not be possible unless the couple resolves the problems of anger and withdrawal. Listening to each other, and changing unhealthy patterns, will pave the way for a relationship that expresses Loving-Kindness towards the other. A relationship of Loving-Kindness will further enhance the quality of love.
Secure and loving attachment for the child can occur when parents become attuned to the needs of the child. There is a “dance of attunement” when the parent is completely in sync with the child, and they become as one. The parent is connected with the child in such a way that the child feels the parent really understands him or her.
In addition to the parent’s relationship with the child, the relationship of the parents expresses love for each other. Their communication is clear and affectionate. There are more positive and loving exchanges between the parents. There is an overt and covert expression of love for each other and for the child. The atmosphere in the home is loving and accepting–an ‘echo’ that radiates through the ‘threads’ of the family relationship.
I will begin with a case example of Melinda’s family:
Case Example: Melinda
Melinda states, “I want to have the best for my children but my husband but we are always arguing, and I think it’s bad for the kids. Tim thinks I’m spoiling the kids, but I’m the only parent who’s there for them. He always want to see his friends, instead of being home with me and the kids. I tell him how I feel but he’s always defensive, and we get into a bigger argument.” Melinda couldn’t talk any longer as tears poured unrelentingly down her cheeks.
In the family situation, Melinda says that her son,Todd, age 8, is misbehaving in school, and there are many complaints from his teachers. Todd doesn’t pay attention to them as he shows little interest in school. And he constantly teases another classmate beside him. Her daughter, Sara, often doesn’t want to go to school. She pretends she is sick but there is no clear, physical problem. Problems with the children are escalated as Melinda and her husband continue to argue about the children.
If these toxic relationships continue in Melinda’s family there will be a further psychological gap between the parents and the children. The problems will continue, and the mental, physical and spiritual health of the family will be in jeopardy.
Nurturing Secure and Loving Attachment for The Child
In this section I will discuss ways to resolve problems of attachment and preventing inadequate attachment from occurring in the first place:
Parents Need to Work Together
When two parents are in the home they need to coordinate together their approach for the children. In Melinda’s case she needs to talk to her husband about the problems and to ask him for his support. Tim was willing to work with Melinda, and they began to talk with each other about their concerns. They agreed to contact the school together, and approach their children with loving concern; they also were willing to come in for family therapy. They learned to work together and approach their children with loving concern rather than using a more punitive approach.
A single parent may have more difficulty in resolving these problems, perhaps because of the lack of support. Or having the complete burden of parenting on yourself. However, restoring a more supportive and loving connection with the child will help him or her to feel safe and secure. You may also have the support of grandparents, or a partner who is living with you. The important thing is to approach the problem in a loving and supportive way. And more importantly, restore a loving and caring relationship with the child that has been lacking for some time.
Secure Attachment begins in Early Childhood.
It is best to begin cultivating secure attachment in the child from early childhood through adolescence. It is never too late, however, to restore some degree of attachment in later childhood. But it is even better to begin from early childhood through adolescence. The child will feel secure and loved from the beginning– and it can evolve to a more emotionally healthy development later in his or her life.
Communication with the Child
Clear communication with the young child is crucial during early development. It begins with sending clear, loving messages to your child. Make sure the child receives the message of ‘love.’ You can easily do this by listening to your child’s needs and feelings, and discern whether the child feels your love. Being attuned to your child’s needs and feelings will help you to receive positive feedback. In addition, a good way of communicating is reading stories with your child. It will not only enhance reading skills, but it will enrich the child’s connection with the parents. As the child is able to read on his own, he can read the stories back to you, rather than you reading all the words.
Providing Discipline
Parents can’t escape the reality that there will be times when the child will need to be disciplined. But what is the best way to discipline. Often parents become angry or upset with the child when he or she misbehaves. Parents may become angry or even ignore the child. Of course this is not the best way to discipline the child, and will often make things worse.
So what is the best way to discipline the child. Studies have shown that combining discipline with love is the best way: “Authoritative” parenting. This type of discipline is not harsh or punitive. The parent teaches the child to listen, through providing rewards (tokens) or withdrawal of things the child has or wants. No matter what type of discipline you give, the child still ‘knows’ your love.
Playing with Your Child
Playing with your child is also important: Let your child ‘direct’ the play session using her imagination as she (or he) plays with stuffed animals, trains, cars, or dolls in the play session. As the child plays, let her be in ‘charge’ of the play while you reflect back what she is doing in the session. As the child becomes older she or he will have different ways of playing based on development. The important thing is to reflect and let the child use his or her imagination as you continue to be supportive–and play as the child ‘directs.’
Sending Messages of ‘love’
It is also important to communicate clearly to your child the love and confidence you have in him or her. Always make sure you are sending clear, loving messages verbally or in action. The child can sense your feelings and moods. It can be negative or positive. But if you send clear messages of your acceptance and love, in attunement with the child needs, it will be easier for him or her to feel loved and secure.
Loving Attachment through the Years
As I discuss in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, loving attachment needs to be consistent over the days, weeks and years. It is not enough to do it at one point in the child’s development and then change your pattern of interaction. You would need to focus your attention on what you are doing–being consistent and building an even better relationship with the child. Secure, loving attachment needs to continue, without interruption, from early childhood to late adolescence. The child will then feel loved and accepted during the course of childhood, adolescence, and eventually into young adulthood. The child’s future will be promising. Loving and secure attachment will be her legacy.
In Search for a Soul Mate: A Loving partnership by Michael A. Panar
November 15, 2013
Jane says, “I had a lot of relationships, but I never could find my soul mate. Will I ever be able to have a soul mate? I’m beginning to lose hope.
Jane is like many people who don’t feel they have ever had a ‘perfect’ relationship with a soul mate. The idea of a soul mate has always been a magical concept that can’t be explained in scientific terms. It is seen as a spiritual connection that is beyond any explanation. It is felt that finding a soul mate is a destiny that has nothing to do with the world as we know it. It is purely spiritual.
Therefore, the individual has no control of finding a soul mate. It just happens. It is not coincidental. It is a spiritual event that a person has no control of. But here is good news: You can have a relationship that will realize your dreams of having a partner who is your soul mate–through a loving partnership that you can nurture day-to-day and moment-to-moment. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I explain the importance of relationships and some of the qualities of healthy relationships. You can further refer to this book on healthy relationships and a healthy lifestyle. Now I will discuss the steps towards a loving partnership:
Change Romantic Love to a Partnership
An intimate relationship usually begins with an emotional attachment to the other. You feel strongly attached to that person and can’t imagine ever separating. There is a mutual tendency to want to be with each other. Your attachment is purely emotional and you feel a deep love for that person. The attraction is strong and you want to be with him or her most of the time.
Other Reasons for getting into a Relationship
Of course, there are practical reasons that a person may get into a relationship with someone, such as: money, convenience. isolation or desperation. A person may want to get into an intimate relationship to exert control, or subconsciously wants a person to abuse or dominate.
There may be mental health problems, such as a need for a person to have control of another. For instance, the narcissist doesn’t really ‘love’ himself or herself, but needs to control someone to love him or her. Or a person with a ‘borderline personality disorder’ needs someone to vent his or her emotions. The dependent persons needs someone to be dominant. The angry person needs someone to control. There are many mental health problems and a lot of dysfunctional reasons to enter an intimate relationship. But these are not healthy reasons for entering an intimate connection with another.
From Romantic Love to a Partnership
Since an intimate relationship begins with romantic love and passion the couple becomes quickly attuned to each other. There are strong emotions that attract them to each other. The “romantic love complex” is the feelings of love and sex that encompasses passionate love. Therefore during the beginning of a relationship the couple experiences a very ‘close’ connection. But it is based on an emotional and sexual attraction. It is a passionate love based on the “romantic love complex.”
It is important to begin a relationship with such intensity, but it is short-lived– and passionate love doesn’t last too long. But for some couples it may last longer than others. It depends on how long you can keep the passion alive.
Commitment
In view of the short ‘life span’ of romantic love, it is vital that you begin to develop a love for each other that is more enduring. In doing so, you need to convert passion and romance to a loving partnership. But to do this, you need to have a commitment to that person and the relationship. A commitment is a strong desire to want to be with that person. You need to be clear about it, and feel that this is the person you want to be with.
The Path to a Partnership
With this commitment you will be able to begin a path towards a partnership. It will not be easy. There are many things you and your partner will have to do to develop your partnership. And you need to continue to sustain your desire to be with each other through good times and bad. Here are just a few basic steps to nurture your loving partnership:
1) Disclosure
Trust is important for your relationship. You need to be comfortable with that person, and be able to trust him or her. You need to ‘know’ each other in an intimate way that other people will never know. Only you and your partner will know each other emotionally and physically.
The partner will know the most personal things about you, but at the same time you will continue to be an individual. You will always be a unique person in the fullest sense, and your partner will love you more for that. Therefore, being able to be a unique person and still be able to disclose your intimate needs and feelings to the other will be in synchrony.
2) Empathy and Compassion
You and your partner need to learn communication skills. This involves being able to express your feelings with each other without projecting blame onto the other. At the same time you need to show understanding of the other’s feelings and needs with empathy and compassion. Expressing your own feelings and listening to the partner need to be a mutual undertaking by both partners.
3) Develop the Narratives
Once you and your partner have completed these two steps, you are now ready to work together to develop ‘stories’ in your connection with each other. “Stories” or narratives are the things you want to share with each other for a more enduring relationship. You will already be attuned to the needs and feelings of each other, which will be the foundation for a loving and satisfying connection with the other. But you also need to keep your communication open with each other as new needs or situations arise. As time goes on you may have to revise some of these narratives so that both of you will be satisfied. It is an ongoing process through time, although you will be doing it moment-to-moment in time.
Conclusion
As you nurture and cultivate a partnership with each other, you are creating an enduring love for each other that goes beyond the “romantic love complex” of ‘passionate love.’ You will feel the love for each other more deeply, and your relationship will continue to grow through the cycle of life. And you may have found your ‘Soul mate.’
A Holistic Approach to Prevent Dementia by Michael A. Panar
November 1, 2013
Joan is worried that she may end up with dementia as she gets older. She says, in a worrisome tone, “I know I’m only fifty, but my parents had Alzheimer’s when they were in their seventies. I’m afraid I might end up just like them.
The Genes and Alzheimer’s
Joan has a reason to be concerned about having the gene for Alzheimer’s. But even when your parents haven’t had Alzheimer’s you may be uncertain whether you will be the victim of this disease as you reach age seventy or beyond. There is still no guarantee that anyone will not have Alzheimer’s in their lifetime. There is, of course, a gene for Alzheimer’s (Apolipoprotein E (ApoE) that may predispose a person to this disease. Inheriting E4/E4 alleles (one from each parent) is a major risk factor. But who will get Alzheimer’s in later life is not clear. We do know that about half of those over seventy-five will have the disease sometime during the later years. But it’s uncertain whether you or one of your loved ones will have this terrible disease in their sixties and beyond. You may not know even if you have the test for the gene.
Therefore, it is better to have a positive goal of preventing Alzheimer’s, than to worry about it. For instance ApoE is usually involved in lipid (fat) metabolism and the transportation of cholesterol through the body. So it seems reasonable to keep your bad cholesterol (LDL) down to a normal level. Also be sure your weight is close to the normal range.
There are other types of dementia, such as vascular dementia, that results from blood clots in the brain. But some of the things that you can do to prevent or delay Alzheimer’s could prevent these other dementias. No matter where you are in life, or how old you are, it is worth the effort to work on preventing this terrible disease.
Therefore I will discuss how you can prevent Alzheimer’s, or other types of dementia, based on a holistic perspective. In my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, I further explain a holistic path to health and happiness, through cultivating the four dimensions of the human condition: Mind, Body, Spirit, and the Social Self.
The Holistic Approach to Prevention of Dementia
First Step–The Physical Body
The physical self needs to be taken care of to get rid of the toxic effects that can harm the body. This simply means eating plenty of fruits and vegetables (the ‘greens’) and not eating an excessive amount of fatty meats such as red meat. Omega-3 fats found in cold water fish like salmon is healthy. Drinking fruit and vegetable juice, as well as teas rich in antioxidants is recommended. Eat a balanced diet, which will provide all of the necessary vitamins and minerals that you need. Vitamin E is also an efficient free radical that can remove the excess copper and iron in the brain, which make up the plaques in Alzheimer’s that tangle the neurons in the brain.
Alcohol and Smoking
It is also important to refrain from alcohol and tobacco. One glass of alcohol may not harm you, but avoid regular consumption of this drug. Alcohol can do damage to the body: It can deprive you of essential nutrients and is toxic to the brain. It can discourage eating healthy foods since alcohol can become addicting. It has an effect on your ’emotional brain’ that will have devastating effects on the nerves that carry messages in the brain and to the body. It increases the level of dopamine in the brain that is a ‘pleasure’ factor in any type of addiction.
Smoking is just as destructive, and also has addicting effects on the body. Prolonged exposure to second-hand smoke is also problematic, and should be avoided. Smoking constricts the arteries in the body and the brain, allowing blood clots to form. These effects can eventually lead to heart attacks or strokes. It is a major cause of other dementias, such as vascular dementia, but it also may contribute to Alzheimer’s.
Exercise
Exercise at a minimum of four times a week, especially brisk walking or other fast movement exercises. You may add weightlifting, push-ups, and sit-ups to your exercise program. Make sure you do this regularly. Exercise has beneficial effects on the circulation, which helps bring oxygen and glucose (sugar is changed to glucose) to the brain. Blood flow will be circulating through the body, nourishing the body and the brain. It keeps blood vessels healthy and well.
Recent studies also show that exercise promotes the generation of new nerve cells in the hippocampus, the memory and learning center of the brain.
Exercise may help you to lower your blood pressure. It is important to bring your blood pressure down, since high blood pressure increases your risk of developing dementia. Normal blood pressure is 120/70 but if it’s excessively higher than that it is risky. For instance, a systolic pressure (the heart at work) of over 140 is risky and you should keep it lower than that– ideally, close to the normal range. It is also important to know that a healthy heart is good for the brain.
Second Step–The Mind and the Emotions
Stimulate your mind with something challenging, like learning a new language. Read something that is interesting and challenging. Learn something that you pursued in the past, and seek new interests. As you learn new things your nerve cells or neurons continue to grow in the frontal cortex of the brain, and new neural pathways add-on to the pathways that you already have. Your upper part of your brain, the cortex, grows along with the growth in the neural pathways. Strengthening your mind can help prevent, or at least delay the onset of Alzheimer’s because of the increase of neural pathways in the brain.
Avoid Toxic Emotions
In addition to stimulating the mind, you need to control your ‘bad’ emotions and prevent them from taking over your mind. These toxic emotions include: anger, rage, resentments, worry and jealousy. Change your negative thoughts to more positive thoughts and refrain from toxic relationships. When you feel anger or other negative thoughts and feelings, work at changing them to more positive ones. These negative emotions can wreak havoc to your body and brain, sending stress hormones throughout, and causing damage to the brain. It is important to be calm and relaxed so the stress hormones, such as cortisone, will do no harm to your body or brain.
Third Step–The Social Self
Avoid Toxic Relationships
It is vital to cultivate positive, healthy, and loving relationships that are supportive and rewarding. Avoid those toxic relationships that can harm the brain and the body. It will engender chronic stress that can produce stress hormones for a long period of time; this can have an overwhelming, negative effect on the body and mind. Chronic stress on the brain can be devastating. The emotional brain, the amygdala (a part of the Limbic System) is on ‘high gear’ that causes neurons in the brain to become strained and vulnerable. The neural networks in the brain are compromised.
In essence, create healthy, loving connections with family, friends and others. You will not only be happy and content. You will be healthier than you were before, which makes you less vulnerable to dementia.
Fourth Step–The Spiritual Self
Spiritual growth will prevent the emotional part of the brain from leaping into ‘high gear’. As the mind/brain calms down and you live in the moment, healthy hormones are produced, such as oxytocin, which has a calming effect and reduces stress. Meditation and mindfulness are the recommended practices to make this come about, but you can also do this in a religious/spiritual way. The practice of mindfulness can become a way-of-life; and meditation can eventually come naturally.
The Nun Study
An interesting study (the Nun Study) which has been conducted for over 20 years, revealed that these Catholic nuns lived into their hundreds and had little evidence of cognitive decline. They were able to learn new things, such as a foreign language, even into their nineties. They exercised, ate healthily, prayed and lived spiritually. The findings showed low incidences of cognitive decline and dementia.
The Breath, Meditation and Prayer
The breath is basic to mindfulness: Make time to focus your attention on the breath as you breathe in and out for ten to twenty minutes at least twice a week. Meditate or pray in silence as a part of your daily life. The frontal cortex will begin to grow as shown in brain scans of subjects in various studies. Your brain will reap the benefits as you cultivate spiritual growth.
Conclusion
I discussed four steps to prevent dementia, based on the four dimensions of the human being: body, mind, spirit, and the social self. Epigenesis tells us that our experiences can affect our genes, and even change them. When you make all of these dimensions a part of your healthy lifestyle, you will be able to delay– or even prevent the onset of dementia.
Create a Partnership Radiating with Love by Michael A. Panar
April 13, 2013
Jenny and Tim met on a train a while back, and they were very attracted to each other. Jenny says,” The first time we met I thought I found my soul mate, but after being together for two years I’m losing my attraction to Tim. But I feel I still love him. I don’t understand where our relationship is going.”
“I feel the same way,” Tim said, while hesitating in a few words.
Both Jenny and Tim are discovering problems early in their relationship. They are not happy with each other, and don’t feel as attracted to each other. With this revelation there is the opportunity to do something about it and try to make things more satisfying for each other.
Most couples, however, don’t discover problems until years later, or after they’ve been married for years. Then they are shocked and overwhelmed when they discover that they don’t ‘know’ each other anymore. They discover that they are ‘strangers’ in the same house, or are very angry and even hostile towards each other. This new discovery is not pleasant and is stressful. It can affect one’s health and well-being. It can end up in depression, distress, or other emotional problems. It can lead to continuous fighting, ending in separation or divorce.
Of course it’s not healthy to let conflicts fester over the years after many quarrels, or withdrawals from each other. These conflicts only escalate until they become emotional or mental problems, hurting both individuals in different ways.
Beginning a Partnership
If you are in Jenny and Tim’s situation it is still early enough to form a partnership, if there is a mutual commitment to make it happen. In this case, both Jenny and Tim still have some unexpressed feelings for each other, which gave them the incentive to do something about it. “We decided to do more things together, like going on more dates with each other. We also started to talk with each other about what’s bothering us, or what we would like in our relationship.”
Tim said happily, “I’m glad Jenny wants to give me another chance. We both still care for each other.”
For Jenny and Tim, they’ve made a commitment to make their relationship more satisfying for each other. Both partners are committed to create new ‘stories’ for their new life together. As they continue to do this, they will form a partnership that is mutually satisfying.
Creating a Partnership Later-on
It’s never too late, however, to create a partnership that can be mutually satisfying for each other. Although you may have had problems over the years in your marriage or relationship, you can still form a new partnership with each other. But it still requires a mutual commitment to want to have a partnership that is mutually satisfying. Thus communication and learning the ‘art of listening’ is important for positive change to occur.
Depending on the type of problems you are having (resentments, anger, or avoidance, for example) you both must work on these issues and try to resolve them. Once these issues are sufficiently resolved, you are ready for the next step: Talking with each other about what type of relationship you want with each other. Now you are in the process of creating new stories or narratives for your relationship, such as: the type of relationship you want, the things you like to do together, the kind of dates you want to have, and other new ‘stories’ you would like to have as a part of your ‘partnership.’
The secret of a happy relationship is being able to form new mutually satisfying ‘stories’ that you both want to share with each other. As you construct these new mutually satisfying narratives (stories), the love you have for each other will emerge, grow, radiate, and become even better than it was before.
YOU CAN CREATE THE LOVE YOU WANT by Michael A. Panar
February 13, 2013
Linda says, “I don’t know what happened to us after being married five years, but Steve and I talked about our relationship; and we both feel that our feelings for each other is not there anymore. We talked about it but we don’t know what happened to us. I don’t feel we love each other anymore. And Steve said he’s doesn’t love me as he once did. I feel bad since Valentine Day is this month. I feel bad because I’m losing my soulmate! Linda began to cry as she tried hard to hold back her tears.
When One Partner Falls Out-of-Love
In most situations, like Linda’s, one spouse falls out-of-love while the other one still has feelings of love. In these cases the spouse who still loves the partner is hurt the most because the other one doesn’t care anymore. It becomes a one-sided problem: The one who loves the partner senses a deep loss–and feels rejected. The spouse who fell out-of-love doesn’t care, or is having (or had) an affair with someone else. It is important in these cases to help the spouse who has been rejected, unless the other partner is willing to work on the relationship.
Working on Commitment
There is good news: Whether both partners fell out-of-love (or just one partner) the love that was lost can be restored. But it requires a commitment to want to talk with each other and make it happen.
It is important to look in the past of the positive and loving experiences you had with your partner. At this point, don’t talk about the problems you now have. Think of all of the lovely experiences you once had. Think of what your partner did for you in a loving way. Share the specific things that you did together–that he or she did for you. Talk about it, experience it, and feel it together! Continue to do this assignment until you’re both convinced that you are satisfied with the results, and with each other.
Remember, don’t discuss the problems you now have in the present. Focus only on the wonderful experiences that you once shared together.
Discuss the Problems and Form a New Contract
Once you have discussed those past experiences, and you both agree on the mutual commitment you once shared, you are now ready to look at the things that went wrong. It is important to agree to discuss these problems without blaming each other. Discuss your desires, and express what you want from the partner; and your partner can do the same. Think of this stage in this way: Developing a new “Contract” with each other that will be mutually satisfying.
The Stage of Love
Now you are ready to talk about your feelings for each other, from the time that you first met. Share these feelings with each other. Look at your partner, and see him or her as the same person you first met. Think of the things you did together, and see the same “person” in the person you are talking to now. You are ready to express loving feeling towards each other– and express these feelings with gestures of love, hugs, kisses, and loving touches. Do these exercises until you both feel a mutual love for each other.
Conclusion
What I discussed are just the basics. Many couples will need to attend couple counseling sessions to work on difficult issues. In these cases, both partners need to be committed to want to work on the problems. Don’t let anger, blame, rejection, and a lack of trust prevent you from working on the issues in the relationship. Be open-minded and non-judgmental. Be patient, and communicate your wants, needs and desires with each other.
Fortunately, “You can create the love you want.” As we discussed, begin with some of these steps: Discuss commitment; think of the partner you once were attracted to; discuss the problems objectively without blaming each other; and focus on restoring the love that was lost. In essence, you can create a “new love” for each other that is mutually satisfying in the present–and will prepare you and your partner for the future.
SUPPORTIVE COMMUNICATION IS HEALTHY by Michael A. Panar
February 2, 2013
Jane and her husband Tim decided to work on their marital problems. They were married four years ago in a wedding where they felt they found their soulmate. Tim began to talk first, but he really was reluctant to come in and was anxious to leave. “She doesn’t care about what I think and does whatever she wants. I try to talk to her but she’s not interested in anything I have to say. I tell her about my work and all of my frustrations on my job in sales, but she’s not interested in anything I have to say.” At this point, Tim lowered his head towards the floor and seemed ready to walk out of the room.
Jane didn’t want to look at Tim, and seemed not interested in anything that he said. But then sne blurted out: “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tim, but you don’t care what I think. You never show any interest in me and you don’t pay attention to anything I say!” Jane was furious, and she wanted to continue the ‘attack.” She was waiting for him to say something. But now there was an eerie silence in the room.
The couple is drifting apart, and there is a greater emotional distance between them. It seems that they no longer have anything in common. And they didn’t want to be here. They would rather be miles apart at this moment.
After four years of marriage Jane and Tim have stopped being supportive of each other. They didn’t talk with each other in a loving and supportive way since the first year together. Jane and Tim have been going their separate ways for at least two years. They were both angry and unhappy in the relationship. They don’t share a partnership together. Intimacy is lacking. They are strangers in the same house. They could no longer provide support for each other.
The only way that this couple can resolve the problem and to be more supportive of each other, is to create a new partnership that would be supportive to both of their needs. This will require a lot of work, and working on new communication skills. But they can’t do this unless they feel a commitment toward each other. Fortunately in this case the couple decided to work on their problems and to learn to be more caring and supportive of each other. There is hope for this relationship.
Supportive Communication is Healthy
Supportive communication is the path towards mutual bonding of a couple that is responsive to the needs of the other. Both partners are attuned to the other’s needs. There is a good feeling of love between each other. Unsupportive communication engenders negative emotions in both spouses. These negative emotions can affect the health of the individuals. The immune and endocrine systems of the body get out of control and produce stress hormones, such as cortisone. The body’s health is in jeopardy, with the potential of causing physical conditions, such as arthritis, cancer, and cardiovascular disease, among others. The emotional health of the couple is also endangered with possibilities of depression or anxiety. Therefore unsupportive communication not only wrecks the relationship, but is dangerous to one’s overall health.
In essence, improving or preventing problems in the marriage will help you to feel love again. Your communication will be more supportive. Love will be expressed. You will be healthier. You will no longer just be ‘married’: You will be partners!
OPTIMISM AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ENHANCE QUALITY AND LENGTH OF LIFE BY MICHAEL A. PANAR
January 10, 2013
New research reveals that laughter, optimism, and fulfilling relationships increase the chances for a longer and productive life. A positive attitude about life is a healthy approach and may increase longevity. Now, there is some evidence that a byproduct of Dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives one pleasure, may have qualities that may engender longevity in humans. Dopamine, by itself, gives a person rewards that induces pleasure. Dopamine is also generated when one is on drugs or alcohol, which gives one pleasure, while at the same time harming the body. But this byproduct of Dopamine, a healthy effect on the body, is produced naturally through laughter, optimism, and satisfying, fulfilling relationships. Of course, more research is needed to understand the association between dopamine, happy relationships– and longevity, itself.
However it is comforting to know that you can have a healthier life through the type of relationships that you encourage in your personal life. I devote two chapters in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle, to healthy relationships, and healthy relationships in the family. I describe the differences in toxic versus healthy relationships, and how to nurture and cultivate healthy connections with others. So, even if we don’t have all of the evidence on longevity, we know that healthy relationships will improve the quality of your life. It will positively affect health of body, mind, and spirit.
Jeannie and Dave
Jeannie wanted to have a fulfilling relationship in her marriage– and with her friends. But she was handicapped by her negative experiences in her family of origin. “My dad didn’t show any love to me and he criticised me a lot,” Jeannie said, with tears ‘flooding’ her eyes.
I tried to understand what she was going through, but all I could do was to listen empathically to her feelings. At this time, this is what she needed: Someone who really understood how she felt.
I encouraged her to have her husband come in a session with her. I felt it was important that they begin to communicate with each other, while I would try to elicit the feelings or desires that were important to work on. In two weeks, Jeannie came with Dave to the next session. He was a reclusive type of guy, not saying much, as he walked reluctantly in the session. Jeannie hurriedly said, “Dave, you can’t continue to ignore me. My dad did this all during my childhood, and now you’re doing the same to me! I can’t bear it anymore!” Again, her eyes were filled with tears, causing a stream to flow down her face. Jeannie couldn’t bear to look at Dave, as she turned her face away from him.
Dave was dumbfounded. He didn’t know what was going on in her mind, because she never expressed her feelings openly to him–and he never cared to know. She had kept everything inside for a long time, five years into her marriage. Dave gazed directly at her and said, somewhat angrily, “I never knew you were unhappy! I wish you would’ve told me.” He was a man of a few words, as an uneasy silence filled the room. Then Jeannie turned around and stared into his eyes. “I thought you knew I wasn’t happy!” She tried to hold back her tears as Dave reached out to hug her. At this moment, there was a turning point in their relationship. Of course this is only the beginning of the work they needed to do to improve their marriage. But it is the first step!
This couple needed something to jolt them into changing their way of relating to each other. Now they would need to work on constructing a partnership that will be fulfilling and satisfying for both of them. Jeannie’s past relationships with her father would have to be resolved for her, and Dave’s lack of emotional expression would need to be improved. But if they can get through this impasse, they will be well on their way to constructing a new positive, healthy narrative for a satisfying partnership.
You may not have the same problems as Dave and Jeannie, but we all can improve our relationships in the family and with others. As you nurture fulfilling relationships your overall health will improve. Longevity may increase, and your quality of live will be enhanced. Life will be truly worth living!
Jessica and Tim are having problems with their two teenage children, Mark and Lisa. Mark has been seeing his friends, and his parents don’t know where he is most of the time. And Lisa has been defiant, refusing to do her homework. Her grades have plummeted. The problems with Mark and Lisa have caused Jessica and Tim to argue a lot about the kids. The teenagers’ problems set the stage for increasing conflict between the parents– and the parents and the children. There is a cascade of conflict spiraling out-of-control in the family.
These problems have caused Tim to drink more and come home in a drunken state-of-mind. He often is angry and occasionally hits Jessica when he has some alcohol. He blames Jessica for the problems with the children. He thinks she should do more with them, and do something about their misbehavior. He is often angry and resentful towards Jessica, and it’s expressed in his drinking and anger towards his wife.
Jessica also has resentments towards Tim. She feels that Tim should take more responsibility as a parent. She sees him as deficient and incompetent as a father. Her blame and anger towards him is escalating, and becoming toxic to the relationship.
This reciprocal resentment towards each other adds further ‘reason’ to blame each other for the problems of Mark and Lisa. And each parent continues to feel that the other parent does a poor job, and should do something about the problems with their teenagers. There is an unending conflict over the children, which prevents them from doing something about the teens’ problems–and their own marital issues.
Typical Interaction Between Jessica and Tim
Jessica angrily lashed back at Tim. Jessica angrily says to Tim, “You know Mark stays out all night with his friends. When I tell him to be home early, he stays out even longer. And you don’t do anything about it, Tim!”
Frustrated, Jessica walks hastily out of the kitchen to her separate bedroom, and continues to scream relentlessly to herself.
Mark acts like he doesn’t care and takes another drink. He says in a disgruntled whisper, “She’s the reason the kids are like that.” He fell asleep on the living room couch.
Nothing is resolved. The argument in this situation focused on Mark’s problem, and the couple blaming each other for their son’s misbehavior. On other days the argument is about Lisa’s bad grades and her not caring about school or anything else.
The arguments between Tim and Jessica are “symmetrical”; that is to say, each blames the other and the quarrels become more intense until someone leaves the room, as Jessica did. But the ‘toxic’ relationship only gets worse and both parents are stressed-out to the level of distress. Nothing is resolved between the parents as they focus only on the children’s problems.
If this unhealthy problem continues, Mark will become even more defiant and cling to his friends. He will be more aloof from his family and is prone to be susceptible to unhealthy peer influences. Lisa will continue to do poorly in school and is vulnerable to depression or other mental disorders.
The parents’ unhealthy approach will not solve Mark’s or Lisa’s problems, and their own relationship is problematic.
A Search for the Underlying Problems
There is good news: Tim and Jessica can forge a new relationship that is symmetrical, but healthy. Instead of blaming each other for the children’s problems, they can re-focus on their own relationship. Mark can stop ‘stone-walling’ through alcohol abuse, and fighting with Jessica over the kid’s problems. Jessica can stop blaming Mark for the the children’s behavior, and begin to clearly express her own needs in the marriage. Both Tim and Jessica need to re-focus on the other’s needs, and communicate in a more clear and direct way with each other. As they improve their relationship, it will be easier for them to work together to resolve the problems confronting their children.
It was difficult for this couple to ‘switch gears’ and work on their own relationship. But the couple decided to work through their own issues, and try to separate the problems of the children from their own difficulties. As Tim and Jessica saw improvements in their communication, they were able to share feelings and ideas for working with Mark and Lisa.
Essentially, parents need to have a healthy relationship with each other. This will help you to be a positive role model for the children; you will be able to communicate with your children about the problems that they are experiencing at this time in their development. If this doesn’t happen the children’s problems are intensified, while the parents’ marital issues go unresolved.
There is hope at the ‘end of the rainbow’: Improving your own relationship will help you to be more loving and caring parents. You will no longer need to project your own issues onto the children. You will have a healthy family expressing healthy relationships.
Discover a New “You” and Become More Resilient
November 5, 2012
Stacie says, “I would like to have a better relationship, but every time I’m serious with a man it falls apart. How could I have a good relationship with someone?
Stacie just turned twenty-two and she doesn’t feel good about herself. She says, “I never thought much about myself. I wanted to go to college but I never tried. I’m working as a waitress, but I don’t find it satisfying. I have to work or I wouldn’t have any money to live on.” Stacie’s early experiences were also disappointing: “I always felt excluded in my family. I felt my sister had anything she wanted. And recently my last three relationships didn’t work. I always blamed myself when things didn’t work out for me.”
Stacie’s experience of failure occurred through her childhood and adolescence. She had more negative than positive experiences. These experiences affected her self-esteem and resilience. Each bad experience was devastating for her. And she blamed herself when things didn’t work out like she wanted. Each failure made it more likely that she would fail again. Each failure negatively reinforced her feelings that nothing would work. This caused her to be depressed, and she blamed herself for her failures. This set her up for further failures, and an increasing loss of resilience.
If you have similar problems, like Stacie, you would need to work on these issues that stopped you from moving on, or coping with negative experiences in life. Each failure can reinforce your feelings of hopelessness, or blaming yourself for any failures you may encounter. Even small failures may be magnified and make you feel that you will ‘fail’ again. Resilience will continue to spiral downward. It will become a vicious cycle of ‘failure,’ self-blame, and more sadness.
Stacy withdrew in a depressive state of hopelessness. This changed the chemistry of her brain–and stress hormones over-flowed in her body. She would get tired easily and couldn’t do any physical exercises. She couldn’t do anything at home, and was unable to concentrate when she tried to sit down and read. Her thoughts were replete with self-pity and helplessness.
If you are in a similar situation, it is important to confront your negative thoughts and emotions. This may be difficult to do on your own. You may need to talk with a supportive counselor who can help you sort through the negative thoughts and feelings.
Some of you may be able to tackle this problem on your own. You can read my book, “Create a Healthy Lifestyle” that helps you to be healthy and happy in a holistic way. Focus on how you feel about yourself, and the source of those inadequate feelings about self. Take care of your physical and spiritual health. And discover some of the positive and satifying things you can do today. Change will not come quickly. The negative thoughts and feelings will keep trying to intrude on your mind and perceptions. But continue to do the “baby steps” of working on each thought at a time. Gradually you will feel better about yourself and be motivated to do things you couldn’t do when you were depressed such as: getting into a new relationship, going to college, pursuing the things you always wanted to do, and enjoying the wonderful things in life.
As you become less depressed, or sad, you will discover a new “you.” You will become more resilient and able to cope with the difficult challenges that life may give you. Your resilience will continue to grow. Life will be more rewarding.