New Challenges for a Parent in the Teenage Years
September 11, 2012
Jesssica says, “I try to spend some time with Sara but it’s not easy, now that she is a teenager. We used to do a lot things together, but now she wants to be alone or be with her friends. I try to talk to her but she doesn’t want to confide in me anymore. I feel I’m not doing a good job as a mother.”
Jessica is distraught and doesn’t feel competent as a parent. She wants to be with Sara, but Sara doesn’t show any interest in being with her. This is very disconcerting and Jessica feels she is losing her daughter.
If you are in a similar situation, or would like to have a better relationship with your teen, you musn’t give up on her. Instead, you should continue to show your child that you are as interested in her now, as you were when she was a younger child. Even though she is a teenager, she still needs your love and attention– though she may not seem to want your love. It is easy for a parent to give up and go on with his or her own interests, and gradually become more distant from the teen. But the teen actually wants your attention and love even if it’s unexpressed. At the same time, the teen is trying to find his or her identity. She just left the oasis of childhood and is now face-to-face with a new ‘world.’ So she needs to find herself during this critical time. She needs to know who she is and how she can relate to her peers–and society.
In Sara’s case, she had good relationship with her mother during early and middle childhood. This is a foundation for a good parent/teenager relationship. But the parent needs to know that the teen is at a very different level of development: She is trying to find herself in relation to peers and the family. There are different needs in adolescence compared to the early years. The parent needs to understand these different needs and relate to the child in a different way. Thus it’s vital to sit down with the teen and discern her wants and needs. Listening to the teen’s needs is crucial. Express love and give reasonable discipline when needed. Find things to do with the teen, while giving her autonomy. In contrast to the early years of childhood, there are new and different challenges during the course of adolescence.
Essentially, it’s going to take time to forge a new relationship with your teen. It will not be the same as in childhood but it can be just as rewarding for the parent and teenager. A new, healthy connection will unfold.
Facing Negative Thoughts in Depression
September 7, 2012
Margie states desperately, “I get depressed a lot and it makes it hard for me to relax. And I can’t put as much time with my four-year-old daughter. I’m taking medication for depression; it helps a little but then I get depressed again.”
Margie wants to feel better and not be depressed as much as she is. When she is with her daughter, Carrie, her mind drifts into negative thoughts. She worries about her life, her husband leaving her, and feels inadequate. Carrie tries to get her mother’s attention but Margie’s mind is somewhere else. Her negative feelings and thoughts take over her life. She thinks about how wonderful her married life was until her husband had an affair and left her. The loss of her spouse takes a toll on her mental health. She doesn’t feel like doing any work at home and “forgets’ about her daughter’s needs and wants. She sees herself as a failure: as a wife and mother. Margie constantly blames herself.
Negative thoughts can take over your life if you let it happen to you. The thoughts themselves become the new “reality” for the depressed person. So it’s important to see the thoughts as just thoughts: not real but only in your mind. To be sure, these negative thoughts have a basis in reality, from the negative experiences of the past or anxiety about the future. For Margie, it was her husband’s affair and him leaving her. She never expected this to happen. It came as a shock, because she thought she and her husband were happy.
If you are depressed like Margie, or have other types of problems that make you feel depressed, blaming yourself doesn’t help. It will only make you more depressed. Instead, take time for yourself in a quiet place and “look” at your thoughts mindfully: focusing on your thoughts and feelings with acceptance. Focus on these thoughts as they flow through your mind–and then let them slowly flow away like clouds in the sky. You can focus on one ‘cloud’ at a time as each one passes by.
In cognitive theray, you can practice changing these negative thoughts to more positive or rational ones.
The next thing you can do is to increase your social connections. Make new friends, and connect with your best friends and family. If you have a child, like Margie, connect with her and play with her. Read interesting stories to your child. Enjoy being with her. Social connections inside and outside of the family are therapeutic.
I discuss meditation, mindfulness, and depression in my book, Create a Healthy Lifestyle. Since depression, or even sad feelings, are pervasive in our family and society, I think it’s an important mental health issue. So it’s important to support and connect with one another.
A Pre-teen’s Search for Identity
August 25, 2012
Adolescence is a difficult time for both parents and the teenager, so it is important that communication is clear and empathic. The teen is experiencing changes, both physically and psychologically, and the parents need to be attuned to what is happening to their son or daughter. But if the parents are open to understanding their teen’s inner needs and feelings, it will be easier to have good communication with him or her.
Many changes occur at this time and it really begins before adolescence, during the pre-teen or ‘tween’ period at about 11 or 12 years old. The child begins to see ‘self’ as an individual in his or her own way. She sees herself more clearly as an individual apart from other members of her family, and different from her peers. It is a new discovery that seems to come from nowhere. This new discovery of ‘self’ can be exhilarating or depressing. If the child can perceive it as a positive discovery, self-esteem will be enhanced and she will feel good about herself. It will make her feel good and her self-worth and self-image will be resilient.
It is important at this time that family life is stable, and communication with the child continues to be positive in the home. If there is any conflict she will subjectively feel responsible for the chaos in the home. If the parents don’t talk with their tween, or talk to her in a negative way, she will perceive it as an affront on her. She will usually blame herself for the confusion in the home, since she is centered on her own self and identity.
When the tween becomes a teenager at 13 she will have more difficulty in finding herself. Identity will be affected. It will be difficult to have a clear sense of identity. She will not know who she is. She will look in the mirror and not really know who she is. But she will continue to search for an answer.
Tommy’s Aggressive Behavior
In one case example,Tommy, age 12, wants to be close to his father, John. But his dad is always busy working or associating with his peers. When he comes home from work he is in a bad mood and gets angry at Tommy for his uncontrollable behavior. Tommy wants his dad’s attention and goes to any means to get it. So he becomes defiant and misbehaves. His aggressiveness increases John’s yelling and criticism. Tommy only becomes more rebellious.
In this situation, Tommy is craving for his father’s attention. He needs John to validate his identity. But John becomes emotionally reactive, which doesn’t solve the problem, or meet Tommy’s needs.
After a while, John became aware of his handling of the problem. He discovered that he can’t take his problems at work home with him. He needs to leave these problems at work and resolve it in that situation. More importantly, John has to schedule his time with his friends and not let it interfere with time spent with his son. These problems will not easily be resolved, but with a commitment to a better relationship, there is a solution.
Essentially for a tween to have a healthy image of self, the parent’s relationship with the child is crucial. It is important for the parent to be attuned to the child’s needs while reinforcing a healthy identity.
PARENTS’ QUARRELS AFFECT CHILD’S WELL-BEING
August 21, 2012
Chronic conflict can deeply affect your child. It can be pervasive. Although violence and conflict can be seen on television programs, video games, and other media, conflict in the family has a direct effect on the child. So the less the child is exposed to violence or chronic disagreements the better it is for the child’s well-being.
In a particular case, Mary constantly hears her parents argue. It’s not a single incident; it occurs on a frequent and almost daily basis. At seven, she really doesn’t completely understand the reason her parents fight. She only hears them yell and scream at each other. The cascade of negative emotions is chronic. Mary is perplexed and doesn’t understand what is really happening. Fear and anxiety can ensue.
To get away from the confusion and fear, Mary goes into her room a lot. It is a temporary reprieve from the agony of hearing her parents argue. But it’s not an effective escape from the turmoil. Mary still hears sounds and rumbles of disagreement. It isn’t clear, but the arguments are still within her reach. She can only try to think of something else, or do something to keep her mind occupied. But these are still ineffective.
It is important, therefore, that parents become aware of their impact on the child. The parents need to talk with each other about how they are affecting their child. Of course, they can’t do this when they are angry at each other. They need to talk about it when they don’t feel hostile toward each other. Within a more calm and tranquil atmosphere they would be able to sort through the problems in the family, and discern how their quarrels affect the child.
If you are in that situation, wait until you calm down and feel relaxed. Then talk to your spouse.
As a parent, it may be difficult to understand your impact on the child. The negative emotions take over and it’s impossible to think clearly. Discuss your relationship problems (with your partner) in a calm and peaceful environment. Try to work on ways to resolve your own issues. Come to some compromise with each other to resolve some of the problems. Be opened in going to some counseling if the problems seem to be entrenched in your relationship. Agree to make a commitment with each other to begin to work on the problems in your relationship.
After you have taken this step, agree with each other that you will no longer fight, yell, or become violent with each other within the child’s reach—physically or emotionally.
Now you are ready to carry out your plan into action. You will be in a better position to reduce conflict in the family. Your child will reap the benefits from your efforts.
Once you work on your own problems you are ready to attend to your child’s needs. Be available for her. Listen to her needs and feelings. Reassure your child that everything is all right at home. Let her respond with her own feelings. This will allay some of the anxiety that she felt when the conflict was intense. Your new approach will help your child to feel loved, safe, and secure.