Creating a Healthy Lifestyle

Chronic conflict can deeply affect your child.  It can be pervasive.  Although violence and conflict can be seen on television programs, video games, and other media, conflict in the family has a direct effect on the child.  So the less the child is exposed to violence or chronic disagreements the better it is for the child’s well-being.

In a particular case, Mary constantly hears her parents argue.  It’s not a single incident; it occurs on a frequent and almost daily basis.  At seven, she really doesn’t completely understand the reason her parents fight.  She only hears them yell and scream at each other.  The cascade of negative emotions is chronic.  Mary is perplexed and doesn’t understand what is really happening.  Fear and anxiety can ensue.

To get away from the confusion and fear, Mary goes into her room a lot.  It is a temporary reprieve from the agony of hearing her parents argue.  But it’s not an effective escape from the turmoil.  Mary still hears sounds and rumbles of disagreement.  It isn’t clear, but the arguments are still within her reach.  She can only try to think of something else, or do something to keep her mind occupied.  But these are still ineffective.

It is important, therefore, that parents become aware of their impact on the child.  The parents need to talk with each other about how they are affecting their child.  Of course, they can’t do this when they are angry at each other.  They need to talk about it when they don’t feel hostile toward each other. Within a more calm and tranquil atmosphere they would be able to sort through the problems in the family, and discern how their quarrels affect the child.

If you are in that situation, wait until you calm down and feel relaxed.  Then talk to your spouse.

As a parent, it may be difficult to understand your impact on the child.  The negative emotions take over and it’s impossible to think clearly.  Discuss your relationship problems (with your partner) in a calm and peaceful environment. Try to work on ways to resolve your own issues.  Come to some compromise with each other to resolve some of the problems.  Be opened in going to some counseling if the problems seem to be entrenched in your relationship.  Agree to make a commitment with each other to begin to work on the problems in your relationship.

After you have taken this step, agree with each other that you will no longer fight, yell, or become violent with each other within the child’s reach—physically or emotionally.

Now you are ready to carry out your plan into action.  You will be in a better position to reduce conflict in the family.  Your child will reap the benefits from your efforts.

Once you work on your own problems you are ready to attend to your child’s needs.  Be available for her.  Listen to her needs and feelings.  Reassure your child that everything is all right at home.  Let her respond with her own feelings.  This will allay some of the anxiety that she felt when the conflict was intense.  Your new approach will help your child to feel loved, safe, and secure.