Beginning of a Mindful Marriage by Social Psychologist Michael A. Panar

November 28, 2018

CHANGING THE WAY YOU LIVE

We live in a world that is busy, stressful, and in a hurry. There is really no time to think things through. There is stress and sometimes heartache. Relationships are fleeting and we rush through things without thinking things through. I will discuss a marriage that became more distant over time and how the couple came to a solution of the problem:

The Marriage of Henry and Diane

Henry and Diane had a wonderful Wedding and they were very happy on their wedding day. All the world seemed to revolve around them. They felt a mutual commitment for each other. And they looked forward to a life together with love and happiness.
Everyone has a dream of a happy life and happiness. When couples marry they look forward to a happy life together. It is a dream that all couples look forward to in their life together.

Henry and Diane had these feelings and hope for the future. Being in love was the most important thing in a relationship, Diane felt. She wanted a happy marriage that she always had dreams about. She and Henry met at their high school prom and a few years later they encountered each other. Both Diane and Henry fell in love again after not seeing each other since high school.

One night Henry asked Diane to marry him. Diane was surprised and didn’t expect him to ask her to marry him, although she really wanted him to ask her. She accepted and they both looked forward to a happy life together.

FIVE YEARS LATER–A Child is born

Five years went by and the couple was blessed with a child that they both wanted and hoped for: a baby girl who is now three-years-old. They both looked forward to this day. But the child didn’t bring the couple closer together. Instead, they felt apart from each other.

The couple’s conversations were all about the child but lacked the intimate conversations with each other. They took care of their child’s needs but neglected their partner’s needs. This brought them further apart after a few years.

The Couple are Becoming more Distant

Henry and Diane became more distant as the months passed by. Diane asked Henry to come to counseling with her because she really wanted to work on their troubled marriage. She was happy with their child but for some reason she and Henry became further apart from each other. Diane felt lonely when she was with him and they no longer shared their feelings with each other. Henry was focused only on making enough money to support Diane and the child. He didn’t think of himself or their relationship. There were a lot of periods of silence that continued until there was little communication between the couple.

The Sound of Silence

At this point in their relationship it became uncomfortable for both partners. Silence became the norm and there was no going back to the early days when the couple were very much in love with each other. Over the years the couple had many intimate conversations with each other. But after eight years together they no longer shared their feelings and desires with each other. Of course it didn’t occur over a short time: It was slowly happening over the years, especially after their child was born.

In Search for a Solution

Diane became more unhappy and depressed. One day she realized in her mind that she really didn’t want a divorce. But she did lose some of her love for Henry. This is the man that she loved very much and now she is afraid of losing those feelings for him. She thought that she can’t let him go. She really loved him but failed to tell him when they became more distant from each other.

The couple had a social bond with each other that was still there but not expressed. Diane was thinking about these things when divorce was becoming more imminent.

Couple began to Communicate

One morning Diane got breakfast ready and she was determined to talk to Henry. The couple hadn’t talked to each other for months, but only went through the motions. But Diane was determined to start the conversation: “Henry I was thinking that we should try to work on our marriage. We had so much together and I really don’t want a divorce because I love you.”
Henry didn’t expect Diane to talk to him and said, “I never expected you to say that. I thought it was over.”

The barrier was finally broken and the couple talked about their love for each other, which suffered during the time of their separation from each other. now the couple made a new commitment to save their marriage and nurture their love for each other. This is just the beginning of a new commitment together.

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Unexpected Changes in a Marriage Over Time by Michael A. Panar

August 22, 2018

Marriage in the beginning

Bob was married to Cindy for about four years and they were happy together. They shared many things together with a lot of happy times. Their love became stronger every year and they felt very much in love. It was a marriage made in Heaven, they felt.

But after four years things changed. They no loner felt the same for each other. Cindy became more distant from Bob. She would do her own thing and she was happy being by herself. She began to have other interests with women she could share her interests with. She was still faithful to her marriage and wanted children, and she did enjoy being with Bob. But each day the couple became more distant from each other. Cindy would do her own thing and Bob went to work and was very tired when he came home. When he did come home he didn’t say much to Cindy. He would eat the meal that Cindy cooked without saying a word and then would go to the Living Room to watch television. Very Little was said during that time. It was quiet but not peaceful.

Cindy was continuing to create distance between her and Bob, and this gave her some comfort. She didn’t feel the love that she once felt for him. But she wasn’t happy and became more sad and distant from Bob. She wasn’t happy at home. She would try to find comfort in her friends. But even though she liked being with her friends it wasn’t enjoyable as it used to be. But she still reached out to them for companionship. It temporarily relieved her sad mood and her loneliness in the marriage.

Bob Turns to Alcohol

Bob also changed from his feelings of love for Cindy. He no longer felt the same for her. His love for Cindy was once very strong and he wanted to be with her as much as possible. Recently When he came home from his job as a bus driver he wouldn’t say much and avoided being close to Cindy.

Cindy would just say a few words and would go to her room and read a magazine. There was silence in the room. Bob didn’t say much and would just ignore her.

Cindy often cried alone in the room and hoped that things would change in the marriage. She really loved Bob and they once had a very close relationship with each other. For some reason she never thought that their relationship would get this bad. Now she is unhappy in the marriage that she was once happy with.

Bob felt the same way. He never thought his marriage to Cindy would ever get this bad. He didn’t want this to happen to their marriage like this. But he turned to alcohol to give himself relief. He made some new friends when he went to the Bar and this gave him temporary relief from the problems at home. But when he came home from his escape from a dying marriage it was the same thing: Cindy would go to her room after she cooked dinner and Bob would go to his own room. There was silence in the night.

While Bob would escape with alcohol, Cindy would cry herself to sleep and the following day seek comfort from her women friends as much as she could.

A Closer Look at the Marriage

The couple were married for five years and it seemed to be a happy relationship in the beginning. They had dreams of a happy marriage with children in their lives. But communication between them was becoming more negative and distant. The closeness in their marriage dissipated without their awareness.

The couple began to grow further apart and there were a lot of silent times. But both Cindy
and Bob were unhappy. Bob kept a distance and soothed his mind with alcohol, which gave him only temporary relief from the unhappiness in the marriage. Cindy felt lonely at home, but only found temporary relief when she was with her women friends. The distance between the couple widened to the point that the problems between them became irreconcilable.

A marriage needs to be nurtured to prevent a problem like the marriage of Cindy and Bob. The first step is to talk with each other and disclose one’s feelings to the other. A couple would also need to talk about positive things in the relationship and share one’s desires and dreams.

It is also crucial to have full disclosure with each other to maintain the closeness with each other. And it’s important to emphasize positive communication and listen to each other’s needs and desires. Depending on friends or alcohol instead of working together as a couple only increases the emotional distance from each other.

Couple Make a New Commitment to Each Other

In conclusion, even though the marriage is in trouble it is still possible to resolve the problems in the relationship if there is a desire and a new commitment for each other. In this case the couple agreed to work on their relationship because they still love each other. Accepting therapy is the beginning of a new and positive change in the life of this couple if they make a commitment together.

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Towards more Healthy Parenting by Michael A. Panar

July 20, 2018

Jamie was a well behaved child at thirteen, and her parents had high expectations for her. Her father, Steve, was strict and expected her to make high grades in school. Her mother, Monica, was rather indifferent and didn’t express her feelings, leaving it up to the father.

Jamie was expected to do perfectly in school and her “B” grades were not enough. When she came home with a “B” grade Steve would raise his voice and told her to study more. Jamie was afraid that he would become even more angry or violent.

Jamie could not respond because she feared her father would become even more angry. She couldn’t explain why she got a “B” in her report card. In her mind she thought Steve would be satisfied with her grades.  But in her heart she felt he would only punish her and tell her to study. He was never satisfied with her efforts, she felt.

Steve said, “I’m sick of your attitude, Jamie! How do you expect to get into college with this attitude!” his face turning red.

Jamie’s mother, Monica, didn’t say anything out of fear that it would cause an argument, or end in violence. Positive communication between her parents were non-existent. But Jamie needed a more positive family life that would be more emotionally supportive. And Jamie needed her mother’s love and support more than ever.

Jamie’s parents didn’t say much to each other. When they did talk to each other it ended in a loud argument. Steve had a temper and when he was angry both Jamie and her mother were afraid to say anything. Healthy communication was impossible. The family atmosphere was negative and and in need of loving care.

If Jamie’s mother had feelings or emotions that were repressed or suppressed, and never expressed openly. It would only add to the conflict, and emotions would get out of control. Problems wouldn’t be resolved. The relationship between Monica and Steve was lacking in love and compassion.

Jamie felt she couldn’t talk about how she feels. She wanted to say how she is really trying in school and wants to have good grades. But she couldn’t express her feelings. She never disclosed her feelings and became more frustrated. She even didn’t like herself any more. She was sad afraid and kept all of her feelings inside.

Jamie wanted to talk to her father, but was afraid to express her feelings to him, fearing that he would yell or become violent. She gave up on her mother who was wrapped up in her own feelings of discontent. She had no one to talk to except her brother who was six years older,  but wasn’t interested in getting involved.

A few months went by and the family was stuck with the problem. There wasn’t any change and Steve became more frustrated and angry. Steve concluded that Jamie was not doing well in school and there wasn’t any hope for her. When Jamie’s brother talked to her he would become even more angry. He would continue to lose his temper, and Jamie shed tears that made him even more angry.

Monica became more depressed and emotionally withdrew from the family and Jamie.
This made Steve even more upset with her. But he would only turn his anger on Jamie, who was not doing better in school.

Conclusion and Assessment of the Family

Jamie is in the first year of high school and she was looking forward to making new friends during her first year. She also was beginning to like school more than ever and wanted to make good grades. But she felt alienated and distant from her father. Jamie wanted his his support and confidence. But, instead, she became afraid of him and worried that he would become violent. She wanted support from her mother but her mother was too depressed to be supportive and loving.

This family expressed dismissive behavior in their relationship with their daughter. There was also a lack of love and support. Dismissive behavior was mostly manifested by the father who never acknowledged his daughter’s feelings and her desire to succeed in school. Family therapy would be recommended to change the pathological dynamics of the family.

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Resolving Problems of a life of Anger and Alcohol by Michael A. Panar

July 12, 2017

Steve gets angry a lot and doesn’t know how to control his emotions. “I try to control my anger but there is always something that makes me mad. Recently a friend of mine didn’t call me and I was very angry. I felt like calling him and telling him how I feel. But then I was able to stop before picking up the phone. It was really hard to do.”

Steve said that he was always upset when his father never understood him.  He felt his father never loved him. “I still feel angry to this day. My dad never really cared about me. This is how I felt, and I’m still mad about it even to this day.”

When Steve felt out-of-control he would drink a bottle of beer and then another. This seemed to relieve his emotions. But it only returned and he found something else to be angry about. And then he had vivid images of his father’s ire towards him. He felt unloved and desperately needed his father’s love. But now as an adult he felt it was hopeless and he would always feel this way. His anger seemed to have control over him.

Anger affects Job

Steve has a good paying job driving a truck. He is a good worker but often loses his temper when a co-worker aggravates him. Sometimes he got into an argument that could easily get out-of-control. “I really need this job,” Steve said. “And I need the money!” But his job was in jeopardy every time he became angry.

In a fit of anger Steve raised his voice: “The only way I can solve this problem is to take a few drinks. This calms me down and I can be friendly with the other workers.”

However, Steve understood this was not the best solution. The only thing his drinking does is to suppress his emotions of anger. It doesn’t take it away. His anger is suppressed until another day. But he is still angry inside with angry thoughts running through his mind.  And when these angry thoughts come out again it becomes worse than before. Eventually he understood that the anger doesn’t just go away. It only festers until it ‘explodes.’ It becomes a “dance of anger.”

Further Insight into His Emotions

In therapy, Steve began to look at his emotions more closely. He began to understand how his thoughts and feelings affect his behavior. It all began in his family when his father expressed anger towards him. At that time he couldn’t control the situation. He was a child who felt helpless. He couldn’t express his feelings to his father because of his father’s anger. He was afraid, although he never admitted that he was fearful of his father. Steve said, “I couldn’t tell my dad how I felt. He wouldn’t listen to me anyway. And I guess I was afraid.”

As an adult he had problems in his relationships. He would often lose his temper when he disagreed with his partner. He had one relationship after another.  He became more frustrated.  He desperately wanted a satisfying relationship but it never happened.  He became angry with himself and gave up looking for a date with anyone.  His anger was more within, and became more directed towards himself.

Attachment Problem

As a consequence of his father’s chronic anger and rejection of Steve. He lacked secure attachment  in his childhood. His father was in control and never expressed any love for him.  His mother was silent and was afraid to say anything, fearful that it would cause an argument.

Steve’s father was dismissive of him. Besides not showing affection for his son, he dismissed his son’s feelings. Steve was not permitted to express how he felt. His feelings didn’t matter. As an adult, Steve never accepted other people’s feelings. This caused problems in his relationships and friendships. He tried one relationship after another.  Or he would soothe himself with alcohol which only numbed him.

 Steve Seeks Therapy

Steve was never interested in therapy. He always pictured himself as an independent person who can solve his own problems.  But he was so unhappy that he knew he had to resolve his problems in his relationships. He always hoped that he could love someone and have a relationship made in “heaven.” Eventually he decided to change his life for the better.

He called for an appointment and discussed his problems of anger– and the things that sets him off. He dealt with his problems of insecure attachment and his father’s behavior He tended to dismiss a partner’s feelings and emotions, which often caused trouble in his relationships. Often he thought he was right and the partner was wrong. His anger escalated until his partner couldn’t take it anymore.

Steve said when he became angry it tended to escalate beyond his control. This was the beginning of the end of a relationship. But he always blamed the partner for his anger. The anger became perpetual and he couldn’t turn off his emotions. It became a “dance of anger” in his relationships. After the dissolution of every relationship he felt loneliness and regret.

Emotions Behind the Anger

 As Steve discussed his feelings and emotions he began to understand his thoughts of resentment, and feelings towards his father. These emotions didn’t go away once he became an adult. It just festered within. He began misusing alcohol but it didn’t help him. His anger continued to come back to haunt him. Alcohol seemed to be the solution, but it was only covering up the pain that he felt as a child, and now as an adult. But now there is good news: Steve wants to solve his problems with his suppressed feelings of the past, and problems in his relationships. He is on the ‘road’ to recovery.

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Healthy Communication can Relieve Depression by Michael A. Panar

March 31, 2017

Causes of Depression

Everyone may experience depressive feelings, but when it begins to have a disabling effect it may be a symptom of clinical depression. Dr. Aaron Beck, a pioneer in depression research, discovered that thoughts and feelings can affect your emotions and behavior. This can occur in three ways: First, a husband or wife may conclude that the other partner doesn’t care when she or he wants to be more active in the community or isn’t responsive. The partner takes it as a personal affront and concludes that the other person really doesn’t care. Secondly, if a wife (or husband) observes that her spouse doesn’t want to talk to her one day, she may feel that he’ll always be that way. The third factor is when a spouse thinks about all of the negative things in the marriage, and minimizes any of the positive qualities in the relationship. These kinds of thoughts, therefore, has the potential to cause sad or depressive feelings; but when it is profound it can be a symptom of depression.

Negative thoughts can make you depressed. But it also can occur as a relationship pattern: Problems in the relationship cause negative thoughts, which eventually lead to depressed feelings, or at worse, clinical depression. Clinical depression can alter the brain chemistry that may require medication as well as individual or family therapy.

Marian feels Lonely and Depressed

Marian, 27, for instance, was married for five years She thought she would be happy, but soon discovered that her marriage wasn’t satisfying. Her expectations for marriage were high: She wanted a husband who would be loving and responsive to her needs. But after five years of marriage she felt alone. She focused on her loneliness. There was no connection between her and Sam as she thought it was at the beginning of the marriage.

This loneliness prompted her to talk to Sam. Marian said, pleadingly, “Sam, what is happening to us? We’re not as close as we once were. And you’re never there for me.”

Sam shrugged it off. “We’re busy and we don’t have much time to do things. That’s the way life is!” Sam turned on his sports station without looking at Marian.

This wasn’t comforting for Marian as tears flowed down her eyes. Sam’s remarks made her feel even more frustrated and hopeless. She and Sam became more distant from each other. Sam did what he wanted to do, and Marian withdrew further into her depression.

Marian felt she could not have a child under these circumstances.  She became less responsive to Sam’s needs. There was increasing conflict in the relationship. She often blamed herself for the problems in the marriage. This only exacerbated the problem and she became more depressed.

When a person is depressed there is a cascade of negative thoughts that can overwhelm you. The negative thoughts become relentless and it seems impossible to stop. Marian was having a lot of hopeless thoughts that became overwhelming for her.

Marian went to her family doctor who gave her an antidepressant. After taking the medication she felt less anxious, but she still was lonely and dissatisfied in the marriage. Every time Sam came home from work there was chronic tension. Marian couldn’t talk to Sam when he expressed anger and criticism. There seemed to be no solution to the problem.

Psychologist Wilson McDermut at William Paterson University (and other family researchers) report that there is a relationship between depression and family dysfunction. Families with a depressed member often experience family dysfunction or marital distress. For Marian, it was marital dissatisfaction and distress that caused her to feel depressed.

Criticism and Depression

Family researchers have also found that excessive criticism or emotional over-involvement in the family can induce relapse in depressed patients. Criticism and emotional over-involvement are also a part of the family environment of depressed persons. In Marian’s situation, as she became more depressed, Sam became more critical and distant from her. When he criticized her it caused an emotional over-involvement of chronic conflict and tension. Then Sam withdrew into the ‘world’ of his friends that escalated her loneliness and depression.

Couple Therapy Begins

Fortunately, Marian called for an appointment for counseling. When I first saw her she didn’t want to talk about her problems. But as she began to trust me, after several sessions, she began to express her feelings. She agreed to talk to Sam and then asked him to come in for couple counseling. The next week Sam reluctantly entered the session. At the start of counseling he blamed Marian for all of the problems in the marriage. But since both spouses were unhappy with their relationship a new narrative unfolded. Sam began to understand that Marian wanted to have a better relationship with him. He realized that his avoidance made Marian more lonely and depressed. This was the beginning of working towards a mutually satisfying  marriage. If the couple continues to work on their relationship both spouses can be happy, and ‘depression’ would no longer be needed.

 

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Depression, the Family, and Social Support

August 2, 2016

Depression in the family has a negative effect on family relationships, as well as on each person in the family. It is difficult for family members who are not depressed to cope with the depressed person who is afflicted with feelings of deep sadness. Often the depressed member is unable to function, doesn’t want to relate to anyone, and spends a lot of time away from other family members. The depressed person is also not able to participate in activities outside the home, and often doesn’t want to socialize with anyone outside of the family.

Symptoms of Depression

According to the the DSM-5 (the Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association) depression is a mood disorder with symptoms of a loss of pleasure, appetite and weight, as well as having trouble sleeping. They frequently feel sad, angry or depressed. They are always tired and can’t concentrate. Some may feel worthless, and at worse, may feel guilty. In severe cases the depressed person may have thoughts of suicide, and may even act on these suicidal thoughts.

Medication is often prescribed, but there needs to be other ways to cope with the depressed moods that don’t seem to go away. There needs to be support and love from friends and family. Above all, family members need to be patient and supportive. The patient must feel accepted by friends, family, and health professionals. The depressed mood involves a loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time.

SOCIAL SUPPORT

In essence, the depressed mood is a chronic feeling of rejection, loss of interest or pleasure that has existed for a period of time. Other symptoms may include: loss of appetite and weight. More than three-fourths of depressed people report a lack of sleep. Or patients may eat and sleep more often. They complain of fatigue or being tired frequently. Many depressed individuals keep to themselves and only want to be alone.

Therefore, family support is crucial at this time, and if there is a partner, spouse or other family member, it is vital that this person be supportive of the depressed person.  I can’t overstate the importance of support from family members that is often lacking. It is the closest people in the life of the depressed member who are vitally important at this time. Love, support and kindness is the best treatment for a family member who is not motivated or is in a depressed mood. Loving-Kindness is the quintessential prescription for depression.

SECURE ATTACHMENT

It is likely that a very sad or depressed person had an insecure childhood. This individual never received the love and support from her parents or other significant others.  Once the insecure person reaches adulthood he or she lacks the resilience to cope well with stressful situations.

Parents are crucial in providing secure attachment for the child from birth to adolescence. Parents need to be responsive to the needs of the child. They need to give unconditional love and acceptance. They need to be attuned to the needs and feelings of their child. Over the course of infancy, childhood and the teenage years the child will feel good about self, and be become an emotionally secure adult.

Case Example–Marie

In one case example, Marie was abused as a child by an uncle when she was in grade school. She wasn’t able to express her feelings or talk about the abuse to her parents. So she kept it inside even though it was bothering her. Her grades in elementary school were lower than usual, causing the teachers to complain to her parents. They yelled at Marie and blamed her for her poor grades. Marie was afraid and didn’t express her feelings to them. Her father became angry, and threatened to punish her if she continued to get poor grades. She didn’t get the support from her parents, which she really needed at that time. It affected her schoolwork and her grades continued to go down. But she continued to go to school, even though she was quiet and kept her feelings inside.

Marie’s Later Years

After Marie barely made it and graduated from high school, she began to know some of her peers who had access to drugs. She became influenced by the new peer and drug culture where many of her friends were on drugs. She first tried marijuana and then began to take more addicting and dangerous drugs. She began to have relationships with young men who were not considerate of women and only wanted casual sexual relations. Her relationships ended quickly only to go into another unstable relationship.

During Marie’s young adulthood when she was in her middle twenties and thirties she began to drink alcohol and even began to try heroin. This gave her temporary pleasure, which only ended in sad or depressed thoughts. Her depression worsened and her doctor prescribed antidepressants. Along with her depression she was addicted to alcohol. Her depression worsened and it was difficult for her to get a job or engage in a healthy social life. She lived alone but had intimate relations with a man who left her as soon as he got what they wanted.

A year later she became close to her daughter, but she wasn’t able to care for her. She placed her in the care of relatives. She went to another town and lived alone and depressed.

Depression and Life Satisfaction

Undoubtedly deep, chronic sadness or depression has serious consequences for the depressed person and the family. In Marie’s case she felt no meaning in her life and she didn’t see herself as worthwhile. Her self-esteem was chronically low and her depression worsened. She isolated herself from friends and family. She wasn’t happy with her life or herself.

Others need to be understanding and show empathy (not pity) for the depressed person. She or he needs to feel accepted by family, friends and others. Social support is important at this time in the depressed person’s life.

We can’t deny the imbalance in the brain that can affect the degree of depression. For instance, the neurotransmitter, serotonin, is in short supply–and the balance of neurons and neurotransmitters can have a devastating effect, which only increases the depressive symptoms. Some medication may be needed to make it more bearable for the patient.

However, the social and family conditions that I have mentioned play a major role in the causes, prevention, and outlook for depression.

In conclusion, parents need to be attuned to the needs of the child. They need to give love and support to the child from early childhood to the end of adolescence. This will have a positive effect on the young child’s development and prepare her for healthy development in adulthood.

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Understanding the Cause of Avoidance in Marriage by Michael A. Panar

November 9, 2015

“I feel we are drifting apart from each other,” Daniel said.

Daniel was surprised to hear Cindy admit that there was a problem in their marriage. He thought everything was all right since she never complained before. He wasn’t happy in the marriage himself. He thought about it, but when he didn’t feel close to Cindy he would go to another room and read the same newspaper that he read in the morning. This is how he dealt with the underlying marital problem. He wanted to talk to Cindy, but it was easier to avoid her.

One Sunday morning, however, Daniel felt unhappy and wondered what he is doing in such an unhappy marriage. He thought it was not about Cindy. It was about the children, Stevie, 5 and Cherry, 8.  He couldn’t imagine abandoning the children. But everything was becoming unbearable, including getting up in the morning and finding Cindy unresponsive to his needs.

Daniel said, “Our communication over the last couple of years have been nonexistent. We never said much together or even argue. I would make it worse by not talking to Cindy and avoiding her when I came  home from work. But she didn’t seem to mind me avoiding her. She didn’t talk to me much either. We both were apart from each other even when we had dinner as a family.”

Cindy responded, “I guess I was as bad as Dan. I was unhappy but I never really told him how I felt. I felt frustrated. Dan never helped out much with our kids. I had to discipline them when they were misbehaving and he never seemed to care. He never wanted to talk to me and kept to himself. I was lonely but he never tried to comfort me, even when he knew I was depressed.”

Both Cindy and Daniel acknowledged withdrawal from each other. Neither spouse was happy in the marriage. But they couldn’t talk to each other. Daniel even withdrew from the children. He couldn’t relate to them. Cherry tried to get on his father’s lap but he just pushed her aside and said he was busy.

Cindy felt she had to give some attention to the children, because she had to provide for their basic needs. But she had problems in relating to Stevie and Cherry, unless they persisted in trying to get her attention. In the meantime, Cindy did what she had to do to provide for their needs.

Cindy felt resentful of not getting any help from Daniel. This made her very angry, but she kept her feelings inside. She couldn’t express her needs or feelings to him. But this festered even more in her mind, which caused her further stress.  Daniel seemed to be unaware of Cindy’s discontent. He assumed that being a mother she could handle the problems with the children.

As these problems became more entrenched in their relationship both spouses withdrew from the relationship. Intimacy was lacking and there wasn’t any emotional support.  Daniel would do some work around the house and Cindy became depressed. Neither were happy in the relationship.

Stevie and Cherry were being fed, but their emotional needs weren’t meant. Stevie became more difficult to handle. He would have more frequent tantrums, which tested the parents’ patience. Daniel became angrier and put Stevie in a lot of time-outs. He tested his dad’s patience with even louder tantrums.

In the meantime, Cindy became more depressed and wanted to be alone. Her communication with Daniel became almost non-existent.  Daniel comforted’ himself with various projects around the house. The couple continued to avoid each other.

Avoidance and Anxious Attachment

 Daniel’s Early Years

In this case, both Daniel and Cindy had insecure attachment from their own childhood, the avoidant type. For instance, Daniel’s father did not relate to him. His father often showed no love and he would often be too busy to relate to Daniel. When his father showed some interest he was impatient with him, and didn’t want to relate to him in a loving way. He would often lose his temper and Daniel would be afraid to say anything to him. This avoidance and anger continued through his childhood and adolescence.

Daniel’s mother didn’t show love to him. He often wanted support from his mother but he couldn’t turn to her for love or support. He had no one to turn to.

Cindy’s Early Years

Cindy needed the love and support from her mother, but she was too depressed to give her daughter any attention. Her thoughts would often ruminate in negative and sad ways. She was too busy thinking of the bad things in her own life, rather than paying attention to Cindy. Cindy needed support from her mother but it wasn’t available for her.

When Cindy tried to talk to her dad, he often lose his temper and expected her to help her mother with the household tasks. Cindy felt rejected and unloved.

Marriage and Family

Both Cindy and Daniel experienced rejection and avoidance during their childhood. Although they had different experiences they both were “anxiously attached.” This anxious attachment was then carried over into their own marriage and family. They even were avoiding each other without feeling a need for support from the other. They had no one to turn to. They needed each other’s love and support. Their anxious, avoidant behavior was entrenched and seemed the ‘normal’ type of behavior.

The Solution

The solution to this couple’s problems seemed to be difficult, if not impossible. There was no desire to solve the problems since they would have to change their stance in life and overcome their avoidant behaviors. Cindy would need to overcome her depression and change her ways of approaching Daniel. Avoiding Daniel only made matters worse. Communication became impossible. And she was not happy with her life.

Daniel had to be more loving and supportive of Cindy. He also needed to resolve his “anxious-avoidant” attachment and try to reach out to Cindy. He would need to be more family oriented and show interest in the children. He and Cindy would need to be involved with the children and enjoy this experience together.

There is a lot of work to do, but this couple can overcome some of their problems of anxious, avoidant attachment, and become more involved in their relationship–and in parenting. This is not an easy task, but it is possible to solve some of their problems of the past and to move forward into the future. There is always hope.

A Summary: A followup

In couple and individual sessions, the couple was able to work through their problems. They began to speak and listen to each other. Intimacy was enhanced. In family sessions they were involved in sessions with the children. Their intimacy and connection to each other and the children became more satisfying. The problems of avoidance and anxious attachment will not completely go away, but their relationship will continue to improve.  Their love will grow more deeper and spiritually.

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Mother’s Coping with Separation and Child Rearing

July 22, 2015

Susan became depressed after her husband told her the truth of his infidelity, and decided to live with the other woman. She says, wiping the tears from her eyes, “Jack had an affair for two years and then decided to leave our two children, ages two and four. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve been depressed when he told me that he’s been having an affair for two years. How can he do this to me and the kids!” She couldn’t talk anymore as the tears began to flow from her eyes, without stopping.

She was looking for support and comfort from me as I handed her a tissue to wipe her tears away. But she still couldn’t stop crying. I reflected her feelings in my own words, as well as giving her emotional support. She felt some comfort and left the session to pick her children at the bus stop.

I continued to see Susan as often as possible in the beginning. She needed to continue to meet the children’s needs and help them through this difficult time. Susan still needed to work through her feelings and cope with the separation. Susan also had to get through her depression, which was affecting her ability to take care of her children.

The Nature of the Depression

There are many causes of depression: Sometimes it occurs from problems in early childhood when the depressed person was abused, even sexually, as a child. There may have been conflict, fighting and arguments in the childhood home. Parents may not have been loving and accepting of the young child. Secure attachment would not have been cultivated in the young child, which continued into adolescence. In other cases, depression can be a problem in the brain of the depressed person, with a deficiency of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. However, this chemistry in the brain can even happen in response to the social environment.

Susan’s Depression

Susan’s depression was not caused by childhood trauma. She had marital problems for some time up to the time when Jack decided to leave her. She was already depressed during the two years of his infidelity. Jack  was never there for her and seldom helped with the children.

Susan wasn’t happy that her husband wasn’t available for her or the children. She couldn’t express her feelings of discontent out-of-fear that Jack would react in anger. But she needed to express her feelings. Keeping it inside made her more depressed. Her depressed thoughts and feelings activated her emotional brain, which stimulated the pituitary gland to permit her adrenal gland to release the stress hormones, cortisol and adrenaline (or epinephrine and norepinephrine). Depression also lowers the level of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin, in the brain. The problem for Susan was the stress caused by her depression, which was chronic and exacerbating her symptoms.

Type of Depression

The type of depression that Susan has is not yet clinical depression, unless it worsens and fits the criteria of the DSM-5 (Diagnosis and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorder). For instance, at least five symptoms are required according to the DSM-5. These symptoms include: low mood, loss of interest, fatigue, sleeplessness, low self-esteem, loss of appetite and agitation. Susan did experience problems with sleep, low self-esteem, and low mood. These symptoms were a direct reaction to Jack’s affair, and him leaving her.

 Susan’s Therapy Experience

One day Susan was thinking about the problem and she decided to come in to see me. I was delighted to meet Susan. She really had a scintillating personality. We shook hands and she expressed gratitude that she wanted to cope with the problem better than she had. After we greeted each other she sat down and talked about all of the problems she had with Jack. Then she talked about her children, Carrie, 2 and Todd, 4. Susan said, “Carrie and Todd were always well behaved but it got worse after I learned about Jack’s affair. I lost interest in them and usually didn’t respond to their needs. Their behavior got worse and I couldn’t handle them anymore. And I got even more depressed. Jack completely ignored me until he left. I was devastated.”

Susan’s greater awareness

As Susan continued to express her thoughts she became more aware of her feelings. She got in touch with her inner self and her resistance to change. She wanted things the way they were. Change was not an option. She hoped that Jack’s affair  would never had happened. Her feelings of being a mother were no longer there.

Susan began to work on her thoughts and feelings. She wrote down her thoughts and feelings through the week. She began to become more aware of how her thoughts controlled her feelings and behavior. These were discussed in session in more depth.

She began to feel more like a loving mother and was pleased with her more positive approach to parenting. Susan agreed to bring her children into several sessions. Some of these sessions involved Play Therapy and Susan became more aware of Carrie and Todd’s feelings through their words and actions in play. She gained more insights into the children’s minds through play. This was a positive change for Susan and her children.

As Susan became more aware of the problem, and became more confident as a parent, she was ready to turn the chapter in her life.

 

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Filed in Depression, Healthy Lifestyle, Parent and Child, relationships
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Reduce Depressive feelings and Nurture a Positive Stance by Michael A. Panar

March 1, 2015

A person doesn’t have to be a “slave” to depression or having depressive feelings. If you are trapped in the throngs of depressed feelings or negative thinking it will be difficult to escape.  Depression will interfere with your life and prevent you from living moment by moment. You will be unable to make the next step towards a more satisfying life. The quality of your life will decline. Worrying about the present and future will be constant. Stress will become chronic.

When stress is chronic, the neurons in the hippocampus (learning and memory center) will continue to die, and they won’t be replaced. Your ability to learn and think clearly will be stifled. But in addition to damage in the brain’s memory center, and frontal cortex, chronic stress and depression will interfere with your social relationships. People will want to avoid and keep a distance from you. Friendships will not be as they were. Family life will be chaotic and ‘depressed.’

The Nature of Depression

Depression (or depressive feelings and emotions) is prevalent in modern society. There are many types of stressors that can lead to feeling depressed: Not being able to pursue one’s goals or cope with the everyday difficulties of life can make one feel depressed. One of the major types of stress is our relationships with others. When relationships go well there is joy and satisfaction. Too often, however, there are relationship issues or unresolved conflicts with partners, friends, and family.  Mass media and social media may also be a source of stress and discomfort. The latest news in the media may be disconcerting. The uncertainties of life may lead to discomfort and sadness. We are continuously besieged with a plethora of stressful events.

One can also feel depressed over dissatisfactions in life: Low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence can make one feel depressed. A lack of accomplishment may be a contributing factor. Our overall view of life can make one feel happy or depressed, depending on our perception and life experiences.

Furthermore, relationship problems can be devastating, causing one to feel depressed or even suicidal. There can be many types of problems in our relationships with others. Divorce, desertion, and conflict can be upsetting and discouraging, which can cause one to feel lonely or rejected. Relationship problems can also lead to extreme conflict or violence. Depression can affect the most vulnerable persons.

Clinical Depression

At the same time many people may succumb to clinical depression, where there are biochemical changes in the brain. For instance, there may be a decrease of the neurotransmitter, Serotonin,  in the brain leading to a more chronic, depressed state of mind. The healthy neurotransmitter, Oxytocin, is also at a low level. Stress may accompany this change in brain biochemistry, leading to an increased production of the stress hormones, such as epinephrine and cortisol. At the same time there is a decrease in the soothing hormone, oxytocin.

These biochemical changes in the brain accompanied with “chronic stress” can lead to the destruction of nerve cells in the brain, especially in the learning center (Hippocampus and Limbic System of the brain). The neocortex shrinks at the same time.

Therefore when depression becomes chronic, there is a lot of destructive chemical processes going on in the brain. These changes can make depression even worse as it becomes chronic over a period of time. Medication, however, can relieve (not cure) some of the unbearable symptoms of depression. Serotonin can be increased to a satisfactory level, and the individual can function as well as possible. It is likely that many individuals can have a satisfying life when taking medication.

Taking Positive Steps

There are some positive steps that you can take to prevent or lessen the impact of depression. Each individual may do it based on one’s own situation. You will have to decide how much you are willing or able to do. Of course, preventing depression would be the best approach; in most situations you may be already depressed, but not in a deeper, clinical depression. Let’s first discuss stress and the stressors that provoke it:

The Stressors

Life is filled with many things that can make you feel stress. It can be financial problems or a job loss. It can be worry about the future, or regrets about the past. It can even be winning the lottery, which could radically change one’s life. An inner feeling of inadequacy can set off stress and depression. There are many events or situations that could cause stress–and increase the likelihood of depression.

Since humans are social creatures relationship woes often provoke stress, with the possibility of causing stress or depression. Some of the problems in relationships include: escalating conflict, violence, and feeling rejected or alone. Communication becomes impossible, which prevents one from expressing feelings and desires.

Therefore, there are internal, emotional states or difficulties in relationships with others (or a partner) that may become stressful. Depressed feelings (or a major depression) can result depending on the vulnerability of the individual.

It is helpful to be cognizant of the stressors in one’s own life, so that it will be easier to cope and deal with them. Focusing your attention on what is bothering you will help you to cope with the stressors that come your way.

Positive Approaches:

There is light under the tunnel. Living a positive and mindful life will help prevent the deep impact of chronic stress. And it can even lessen the severity of even minor stressors. Meditation, as a way of life, can better prepare you for stressful events or stressors. Calming and clearing your mind of toxic thoughts is a first step to prevention. And even when stressful events come, your calming and peaceful approach will strengthen your resilience toward stress.

Multiplying your interests will offset the deep impact of a stressful event. Find something your interested in, and immerse yourself in it. It should be something that you are really interested in to make a commitment. If you don’t know what your interests are take time to reflect and consider what it may be. Don’t be discouraged. You will eventually discover it. It will buffer you in the event of a stressful event.

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Prevent the “Winter Blues” during this Time of the Year

December 16, 2014

As the holidays arrive and Winter is upon us, you, or someone you know may become depressed or feel a lot of pressure. There are many types of stressors during this time of the year: You may feel a lot of pressure shopping or in buying holiday gifts. There may be more stress from certain people during this time.

Expectations from others is at an all time high. Peoples’ moods may go up and down. Relationships may end or be in constant conflict. There are a myriad of problems that may arise such as financial problems, high expectations, deciding what to buy, and financial stress.

Stress from Others

The people that you thought were supportive and understanding become more difficult and annoying. You would like to please them but find it impossible. The stress you feel becomes exacerbated and there seems to be no solution. If you have a supportive and loving relationship at this time it will help ameliorate the problem. This person can be your main support at this time, and prevent you from going deeper and deeper in the “cage” of stress. Supportive relationships with caring and loving people can become a vital antidote for stress or depression. So it is important to cultivate these relationships, and be equally supportive to the other.

Self-Esteem

Your own self-image is important at this time. Taking care of yourself by eating healthy foods and exercising will ward off the ills of stress. Giving yourself positive affirmations is an important practice at this time. Feeling grateful for what you have in life will allay some of the stress that you may feel. Even when you don’t feel any stress at the moment it is helpful to feel good about yourself. But if your self-esteem is not where you want it to be, you can cultivate it by taking care of your body and mind.

Practice Meditation in the Midst of Stress

Taking care of children can also be stressful at this time. Be aware of your child’s needs, and be especially understanding of the child’s feelings and emotions. Don’t take misbehavior seriously and try to understand the child. Even though it may be difficult, reading and playing with your child or grandchild can be very rewarding. It can relieve your stress, even the many stresses that can occur during the Winter Blues.

There is also a tendency to spend a lot during this time. There is the stress of shopping, spending and thinking of what to buy for loved ones, family and friends. The higher your expectations, the more stress you will feel. Even gift buying can increase stress and stimulate the endocrine glands in producing more stress hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol. This is a time relax and meditate to calm your body and mind:

It is time to take a break from the busy season. You would need to spend time in silence to reflect and meditate. Practice focusing on an object of your choice. It could be a candle, a lovely picture, or a relaxing image that you visualize in your mind. Or it can be your own breath, breathing in and out: The rising and falling of each breath. All you need to do is focus your attention on your breath and letting all thoughts and feelings go. But to focus your attention on an object or your breath you would need to make the intention of doing it. Meditate at least ten to fifteen minutes a day, and when you feel tension from stress. Preventing stress through regular meditation in a quiet space is the optimal goal.

It is important to mention that meditation has positive, health effects. Besides relieving stress and anxiety it has healthy effects on the body. Healthy hormones are produced such as oxytocin. It may even slow down aging as the telomeres, the strands on the chromosomes, are prevented from shrinking. You will also feel relaxed and at ease. It is especially beneficial during the stressful season of the Winter Blues.

There is another cause of the “Winter Blues” that need to be mentioned:

 Seasonal Affective Disorder

Some people are more depressed during the Fall and Winter seasons, just because of being sensitive to the weather.  In these cases it is the weather itself that causes mood disorders, and the person usually is affected for at least two or more years. These mood disorders  can result in major depression, or rarely, even bipolar disorder. Usually depression is more prevalent, and people who live in the colder climates are more prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder. But it can occur in any area where there is a harsh Winter.

It should be remembered that there needs to be a clear seasonal cause. So we need to eliminate other causes of the “Winter Blues” before we can discern whether it is SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

Conclusion

It is important to be clearly aware of your feelings during late Autumn and through the Winter months.  It is also vital to relax and meditate during these times, and not expect a lot. Most of you will be having Holidays during this time of the year and you would want to have reasonable expectations. The more you relax and reflect, the more it will be easier to prevent the “blues.”  Enjoy time with family and friends. Relish the quiet moments during the days and reflect. Don’t let the Seasons affect you. Life doesn’t have to be hectic. You have the power to make it a positive time of the year.

 

Posted by mpanar
Filed in Healthy Lifestyle, Meditation, Quality of Life, relationships
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