Laura states:\u00a0 When my partner John becomes angry, I try to avoid him by\u00a0pretending to be \u00a0busy or just walking away. But then he stays angry at me longer, until I try to make amends for something I didn’t think was my fault.”<\/p>\n
John’s Anger and Laura’s Withdrawal<\/strong><\/p>\n Laura is afraid and doesn’t know how to respond to John’s anger. His anger is escalating while she tries to avoid him.\u00a0 The only way John knows how to respond is by reacting in anger. But as she leaves the room or ignores his anger, he becomes angrier. The relationship involves an escalating spiral of anger and withdrawal.<\/p>\n If this unhealthy pattern\u00a0continues, the relationship between Laura and John will be strained and both individuals will feel tension, anger and hopelessness.\u00a0But\u00a0after thinking through the problem, Laura decided to talk to John when he was reading the newspaper one day.\u00a0 She sat on the couch at a ‘safe’ distance from him, as he sipped his coffee and seemed to be focusing on the contents of the paper. Then she said, quite desperately: “John, we need to talk! I know we haven’t been talking much since Christmas, but we can’t go on like this.”<\/p>\n John was frustrated. “Look, Laura! I’m trying to read the paper and I can’t concentrate when you talk to me. Keep quiet!” Again he raised his voice that echoed\u00a0 mercilessly throughout the house.<\/p>\n “But I have to talk to you, John! We have to start talking to each other instead of being mad all the time, if we’re going to make this relationship work,” Laura\u00a0pleaded.\u00a0\u00a0She\u00a0lowered her head towards the floor as teardrops flowed endlessly from her pouring eyes.<\/p>\n John stared at her, angrily, and began to walk out of the living room. Laura was sad,\u00a0but then\u00a0she became angry herself, yelling endlessly as tears continued to flow down her wet cheeks.<\/p>\n If\u00a0the couple’s\u00a0interaction continues in this way the ‘relationship’ itself will become ‘angry.’ The couple will be in a “dance of anger” with both partners reacting to the anger of the other. When this occurs anger will characterize the relationship. Anger will spiral upward and there can be a continuous escalation of anger–or the anger can stay at a high, stable\u00a0level. When the anger stays at the same level, it is possible that the couple will continue in this angry relationship indefinitely. In this case, both partners will be stressed out or depressed.\u00a0 The health and well-being of the partners will be in jeopardy. The couple will be trapped in\u00a0a “dance of anger” that can continue for years at the detriment of the individuals in the relationship.<\/p>\n Being angry only adds more “fuel to the fire.” It’s important to focus and be aware of the thoughts and feelings that make you angry. In John and Laura’s situation, John is the angry one. But he is gradually making Laura angry,\u00a0even though she is sad and depressed. Her anger is about to explode if John continues to\u00a0be angry. There is no expression of love, and neither partner is giving or receiving love. John is expressing anger and Laura is festering with anger within. The dance-of-anger is imminent if there isn’t any change in this relationship.<\/p>\n Laura and John’s\u00a0Path to a Solution<\/strong><\/p>\n Weeks passed by,\u00a0and for\u00a0the first time John ‘noticed’ the Laura he knew five years ago when they first met. He ‘felt’ her emotions as she became silent and sad. He didn’t notice her emerging frustration that she was beginning to expressed. He only noticed her sadness and perhaps her need for his love. His anger dissipated. \u00a0John reached out to her as he gently\u00a0held\u00a0her hand.\u00a0\u00a0He looked into Laura’s eyes\u00a0as she gazed directly into his–and they made eye contact. For the first time, since they first met,\u00a0John and Laura\u00a0were able to experience the feelings of the other. Each of them ‘felt’ the empathy and compassion\u00a0of the other.\u00a0It was a new beginning in their relationship: Restoring some of the feelings that they\u00a0had forgotten,\u00a0but once shared with each other. The dance-of-anger was abated.<\/p>\n If\u00a0 this couple continues to relate in this new,\u00a0healthy\u00a0way, and don’t return to their\u00a0unhappy, dysfunctional pattern, a\u00a0loving connection with each other is possible. They will be able to grow in compassion for self and the other–and cultivate a relationship of loving-kindness.<\/p>\n Cultivating the Art of Loving-Kindness<\/strong><\/p>\n Loving-kindness comes from the Buddhist tradition of ‘Compassion for Self and Compassion for the Other,’ but it is also compatible with Christianity and other religions. \u00a0Both of these ‘compassions’ must go together in perfect harmony.\u00a0With loving commitment\u00a0you can\u00a0become kind and loving to yourself and your partner. Loving-Kindness is the\u00a0final outcome of your effort.<\/p>\n